Friday, March 21, 2014

The Awkward Email

We have all had that moment where we send an email to a person that we did not intend for it to go to. Recently at work I had the pleasure of experiencing this and feeling like a complete and utter dumbass. This is how it went down...   

I had a phone call with a female that works on a high profile national sports radio/podcast show. This is someone we definitely want to have a good relationship and keep happy. The phone call went very well and I was excited to report it to my co-workers.  

The girl I spoke to on the phone was probably in her late 20's and didn't have the most feminine voice. For some unknown reason, I decided to comment on this observation. (And for the sake of anonymity, let's call her Adele). Here's what I wrote... "Despite Adele's butchy voice, I had a great conversation with her. We discussed A, B and C..." 

About a minute after I send the email, my co-worker turns to me and says "Did you mean to send the email to Adele?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about, since there was no way in hell I would sent an email like that to her. I immediately look at my sent folder and there I see that I indeed sent the email to Adele and copied my co-workers. HOLY SH*T!!!

I literally froze. I seriously did not want to live any longer. I mean how could I go on? A very important relationship for our company could be ruined here. I needed to think of some sort of recovery as soon as possible. I could not explain the awkwardness I felt.    

And by the way, what the hell is wrong with me? Why did I feel compelled to even comment on her voice? There was seriously no point to it. It wasn't funny or insightful, it was just downright stupid. And who even uses the word "butchy?" Why not spin it a positive light and say she had a "sultry" voice. Like in a late 80's Kathleen Turner sort of way.


And if the next Steve Jobs is reading this, (which is highly doubtful) can you please invent some sort of app that can prevent moronic sent emails from being opened? I guarantee you will become a multi-millionaire. Because honestly, the whole recall function that Outlook offers does absolutely nothing and just makes you look like more of an imbecile. 

As I mentioned, I desperately needed to think of some sort of rebound. I racked my brain for ideas... The longer I waited the worse it was getting. I remembered during our phone conversation that Adele said she was from the Northern suburbs of Chicago and I told her that I was from the south side. A light bulb went off in my head. I had an idea! And I'm not saying this was a great idea, but it was at least something. 

I reply-to-all to the email and write... "P.S. I'm just giving Adele a hard time because I found out she went to my rival high school." To be honest, our high schools weren't rivals, but it was worth a shot. I needed to make some sort of save, even if the follow-up email drew more attention to my stupidity. 

Fortunately, Adele never commented on my email and to my knowledge our company's relationship was not ruined with their show. I was of course reprimanded internally and told to stop acting like a jackass over email. (Totally understandable) 

Cut to a few weeks later, I get an automatic reply to her email, saying that Adele is going to be out of the country for two weeks. Then I come to find out that Adele was not just leaving the country, she was leaving her job as well. All I could wonder was this all because of me? Was she heading to Thailand to get some sort of vocal chord surgery?

Adele, if you're reading this somewhere riding an Elephant in Phuket... I just want to tell you that I am deeply sorry for referring to your voice as butchy. If anything your voice was powerful and lovely in its own unique way. I have my own self-esteem issues and for whatever reason decided to project my feelings onto you. You also helped me learn a valuable lesson... If you're going to talk behind someone's back make sure you do it in-person and not over email. Best of luck on your future endeavors. 

I'll tell you one thing that's awfully sultry and not butchy... A 6-Piece Chicken McNugget!

1. Recently Nia Vardalos (the actress from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding") came into my office at work. I was taken aback by how great she looked and for whatever reason decided to inform her of this. 

Me: Wow you look great! 

Nia: Thank you!  

Me: No, you really look great. 

(Nia uncomfortably smiles at me. Awkward silence for a few moments.)

Me: It was nice meeting you. 

(I run back to my desk)    

2. I don't mean to brag, but I'm pitching a spin-off to "Rich Kids of Beverly Hills" called "30-year-olds who can't afford to live in Beverly Hills."     

3. Being on the toilet during an earthquake, gave me a glimpse of what it would be like to have my own personal bidet.  

4. My casting suggestion for Season 2 of "True Detective"... Both of Woody Harrelson's mistresses. 

Great Acting

5. Not looking forward to seeing Iran's version of "How I Met Your Mother" called "How I Stoned Your Mother." 

6. Two signs that I should maybe go on a diet...
     A.) I decide to buy boxers with different pictures of doughnuts on them
     B.) I cannot fit in to those boxers 

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