Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A New Year 20-Piece McNugget

I can't think of a better way to kick-off the New Year than a juicy, delicious and scrumptious 20-Piece McNugget. Enjoy. (Or at least fake it)
1. The other day I waddled into work and sat down at my desk. For some reason there was a vile stench that smelled like a filthy animal. The smell would go away and then come back every 20 minutes or so. I couldn't figure out what the cause was and why no one else was talking about it. A few hours go by and I look down and see a big glob of dog crap on the bottom of my shoe. Just lovely.     

2. I can't wait for the sequel to the film “Her” called “His” starring the voice of Gilbert Gottfried.

3. Speaking of dating your phone... I finally hooked up with my rotary phone and it took her 18 hours to orgasm.

Can you say 69?

4. It's really getting frustrating how darn expensive movies are these days!
New pair of pants-$50 (From watching a scary trailer and soiling myself)

5. Speaking of underwear... It is becoming increasingly difficult to find matching a pair of underwear for my man bras. Any suggestions? 

6. Trader Joe's frozen appetizers taste so good, I would consider buying mini gerbil turd quiches if they sold it.

7. If someone were to look at my iTunes music library, they would think I was a 16-year-old, suicidal girl from 1999.

8. In 2014, my hope is that another band besides the Lumineers or Monster of Men, will get to have their music in movie trailers.

9. My wife works in the travel industry and went to Jamaica for 10 days. I'm so glad she chose to take her emotional friend, Rico, to go with her! He is such a great guy and makes her happy. 

Rico, my wife's emotional friend

10. I don’t think anyone has actually read the book “Outliers.” It is just used to sit on bookshelves to impress people at dinner parties. 

11. If I was an African-American actress and saw Nia Long at an audition, I would give up and walk out immediately.

12. As you are reading this blog, a Golden Globes television winner is still making their way to the stage.

13. Should I be questioning my sexuality given that I cannot turn the channel whenever “Behind the Candelabra” is on HBO? 

14. Speaking of anal pleasures, I finally got to use a bidet for the first time and it was quite magical. I felt like a newborn baby back there.  

Me after using a bidet

15. Hey folks, I wanted to let you know that I recently knit my very own sweater for the first time and I owe it all to this fantastic instructional video! Enjoy!
16. In the new season of "The Real World" cast members get reunited with their exes. So MTV, I’ve guess we’ve given up on the whole 7 strangers picked to live in a house idea? (P.S., I'm fully aware it is pathetic I still watch "The Real World")

17. Hey there “Modern Family”, you might want to consider changing the name of your show to “Modern Cleavage.” Am I right fellas?

18. Unless you are looking to get defriended on Facebook, than please don’t share a story about the world’s ugliest woman becoming an inspirational motivation speaker.

19. From seeing comments on other people's photos, apparently "gorgeous" on Facebook means "average looking" in real life.

20. If I could take a second... I would like to talk about a very serious matter that is very dear to my heart. Not only is this matter ruining our society, but it is putting our future in danger. Please do what you can to spread the word and put a stop to POSM: Parents on Social Media.  

Thank you for your time and God Bless.


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