Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The World's Greatest Husband

As you may know from previous entries, my wife has to travel a lot for work. For her most recent trip she was heading to St. Lucia and was taking a red eye flight. Being the gracious husband that I am, I drove her to the airport at 10pm on a Wednesday night. This was not a weekend folks, it was a school night and I was feeling pretty good about the brownie points I would be getting for this.  

(Conversation between my wife and mother-in-law)   

Wife: So Jonno drove me to the airport.

Mother-In-Law: At 10 o’clock on a weeknight? 

Wife: Yes, on a weeknight.

Mother-In-Law: Wow. You sure got a good one there. 

Wife: I know. I'm lucky.

Okay maybe that conversation did not really take place, but at least I had some leverage on my side. 

I arrive home, text good night to the wife and get some much needed beauty sleep. Let's face it people, these dashing and stunning good looks don't happen overnight. It takes a lot of work. 

Before Sleep
After Sleep

A few hours later, I am woken up by some sort of noise. I'm still half asleep and can't really figure out where the noise is coming from. Once my brain wakes up, I realize someone is knocking at the front door. I look over at the clock and its four in the morning. I'm a bit perplexed who could be knocking at this hour. Given my wussy nature, I became a little frightened and was concerned about a possible dangerous intruder. As I stumble closer to the door, I hear my wife yell out “Jonno, it’s me!”

The wife? What the heck is she doing here? What about her flight? I open the door and she’s practically in tears and explains to me that her flight had been cancelled. There was some mechanical issue and they weren't able to get it fixed in time. And here's the kicker, she had been waiting outside the front of our building for over two hours because she couldn't get a hold of me. She didn't have any keys and was locked out like Dino from opening credits of "The Flintstones." Fortunately, the newspaper guy came by and finally let her in at four in the morning.    

Apparently, she tried calling and texting me multiple times, but my phone was in the other room charging and on silent. She even called our landline phone and yelled out my name from outside, but I was too far away in Jonno sleepy land. And let me explain, I am one of the lightest sleepers in the world. Even if I hear the wind blow, I usually wake up. Given this tendency, I sleep with a sound machine to help block out any unwanted noise. And the sound machine was unfortunately blocking all of her phone calls.

I felt horrible about this, but what could I do? It’s not like I was purposely avoiding her phone calls. And let’s be honest here, had she brought a house key with her all of this could have been avoided. The next morning, I check out Facebook and see a post from the wife that she had tagged me in… 

Wife's FB Post: “My flight got canceled and now I’m stuck outside my apartment building. I keep on trying to call Jonno, but he is sleeping and won’t answer the phone.” 

I then look down at the comments and the first one is of course from my mother-in-law. 

Mother-In-Law FB Post: “How can he not hear you calling? Why don't you call the police?” 

This comment starts a domino effect of negative responses of what the hell is wrong with your husband and why doesn't he care about your well-being? For a moment there, I felt like the most hated person on social media. I was like Kanye West, but without the fame or talent. 

(Conversation between my wife and mother-in-law after the incident)

Mother-in-Law: "Have you thought about going back on JDate?" 

Wife: Yep, I already signed up for a one-year subscription."

Mother-in-Law: "Great. We'll reimburse you."  

I'll tell you one thing I'll wake up for... A juicy and scrumptious 6-Piece McNugget! 

1. Speaking of McNuggets... I heard a news story where a Florida woman called 911 because McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets. I think I'm in love... 

2. One of the benefits to not having many friends, is not being nominated to the ALS Bucket      Challenge. 

3. I recently went to see the Counting Crows perform and I'm not sure if it was Adam Duritz singing or the Today Show's Gene Shalit. 

Guess who's who?

4.  I will make a dangerous U-Turn and risk death just for a good parking spot in front of a  Yogurtland.

5. Pitching a new reality TV Show called "Dating Clothed." 

6. First Wayne Gretzky's daughter blocks me on Twitter and now Zach Braff. I don't mean to brag, but it looks like someone is moving up in the world.

(Follow me @awkwardjonno) 

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