Monday, April 06, 2015

Directionally Challenged

I have never been someone with a good sense of direction. Before GPS, I once had to pick-up a co-worker who lived 5 minutes away from me and it took me over an hour because I got lost. I get spun around so easily, every time I exit a parking garage I feel like I'm playing a game of the pin the tail on the donkey. 

Me exiting a parking garage

Despite being directionally challenged, people always seem to come up to me and ask me for directions. I’m not exactly sure why, but apparently I have a very trustworthy face. 

Not only do adults trust me, but ethnic babies as well.

For example, the other day I was waddling down the hall at work and I pass by the one and only Katie Couric. I can sense she’s in a hurry and Katie says to me…

Katie Couric: Excuse me, do you know where the elevator is? I need to get to Suite 300.

Jonno: Sure thing. Follow me.

Katie Couric: Thanks! 

Jonno: No problem!

I bring Katie to what I think is the elevator and all we see is a large construction wall. Unbeknownst to me the nearest elevator was being renovated. She turns to me with somewhat of a disappointed look.

Jonno: (Stammering) Sorry, didn’t realize it was under construction. Let’s go to the other one.

We then have a long, silent and awkward walk to the opposite side of the building and part ways. Now this would not be the biggest deal if a similar situation did not occur a few weeks earlier. I was waddling down the hallway once again, but this time on the 2nd floor. Oscar winning screenwriter, John Ridley (“12 Years a Slave”) was walking with a group of people and he asks me…

Oscar Screenwriter: Excuse me, do you know how to get back to the parking garage?

Jonno: Sure thing. Follow me.

I walk them to the closest elevator and it’s blocked off because this elevator was also under construction. I have no idea how I could forget this, since I have not been able to use that elevator for the previous two months. I turn to the Oscar Screenwriter and his entourage…

Jonno: Sorry, I’m a little out of it today. 

I laugh nervously, but instead of laughing back they just stare blankly at me. We then do the long awkward walk of shame to the other elevator. I try to make a little small talk, but it’s not really working. As we approach the elevator, I press the “down” button for them since they are trying to get to the parking garage. The elevator takes a while and this woman from his entourage gives me a dirty look and presses the button again. She apparently didn’t trust me and figured I was too much of a doofus to know how to operate an elevator. Finally the doors open, we go down to the parking garage and I send them on their merry way. 

Moving forward, I would like all of you to know I am working diligently to improve my sense of direction. I genuinely want to help celebrities (and some regular people if I'm in the mood) get to where they need to go, so I'm studying compasses, maps and learning constellations. And if you would like to continue reading this blog, please scroll "UP" to read more. 

I may not be good with directions, but I am good with a juicy, delectable and scrumptious 10-Piece McNugget.

  1. Speaking of elevators... How come every time I'm by myself in an elevator and decide to pass gas, someone gets on a second later?  
  2. Netflix will be doing a “Full House” reboot. So when Uncle Jesse says “Have Mercy,” he’ll actually be referring to his arthritis this time.
  3. Kevin Hart's next movie will be about training a white guy how to act like Kevin Hart in a movie. 
  4. If I wrote an episode for “Modern Family” it would be about the family urging the middle daughter to get a breast reduction.
  5.  My version of networking is lurking by a successful TV Showrunner/Writer as he is having a conversation.
  6. Speaking of networking, I just realized I have never met anyone I am connected with on LinkedIn.
  7. Looking forward to the time on "Ryan's Roses" when a married man wants to send his flowers to Ryan Seacrest because he is having an affair with him.
  8. Hey there Flatbread, let's just cut the bullshit and call yourself Pizza already. We all know there is no difference.  
  9. The moment I can't recognize one single cast member from MTV's “The Challenge,” is the moment I have fully matured as an individual. 
  10. When the most exciting part of your weekend is eating samples at Costco and buying an XL drying mat at Bed Bath and Beyond, it might be time to reassess your life.

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