Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Free Smoothie

The other day my co-worker comes back from lunch with great excitement to tell me that a woman is handing out free smoothie coupons a few blocks away from our office. He urges me to get one right away. He had a point, not only are smoothies quite scrumptious, but we all love free stuff. (Especially people with my DNA) Heck, just re-watch any episode of "Oprah" when she gives away free stuff, the audience goes absolutely bonkers.

This is also how I act when I enter Costco

So I venture outside and waddle down the street to claim my free prize. It was a hot, humid day so I was a bit parched and in much need of a cool beverage. At a busy intersection I could see a large tent that said the “The Body Factory” and a gal was standing there with a stack of coupons. I walk towards her with a giant grin on my face and we make eye contact. 

Rule #1 for getting free stuff: Always fake being extra polite. 
Rule #2 for getting free stuff: Act surprised
Rule #3 for getting free stuff: Bring funny glasses in case you want seconds. 

I slyly stick out my hand for the coupon and come away with absolutely nothing. Zippo. Zilch.  What the heck? I knew she saw me. I considered asking her for a coupon, but of course my wussy nature stopped me. I also didn’t want to be "that guy" begging for free stuff. However, at Costco I'm much more aggressive with the free samples because I feel more at home there. 
Then a light bulb went off in my head... Maybe this smoothie gal is being selective with who she gives out the coupons to? Given that the place is called “Body Factory” maybe she was only looking for prospective customers that are fit and athletic. Similar to my co-worker.
I then stand back in a corner for a little private investigation. A few people walk by, that are a bit on the portly side, and she doesn’t even flinch. A few moments later, this slender, stylish dude in a pink button-down shirt walks over… And BINGO! The smoothie gal goes out of her way to give him a coupon!

I couldn't believe it! I mean who does this gal think she is? I wanted to run (or waddle) and report her discrimination, but who could I tell? Lena Dunham? Kelly Clarkson? Or whichever celebrity is currently fighting for the chunksters? I remember Tyra Banks went on that tirade a few years ago where she yelled "Kiss my big, fat, black ass!” But unfortunately Tyra has been MIA and I don't believe anyone really wants to find her. 
The other thing is that I wouldn't classify myself as someone in horrific shape. I'm totally aware I'm no Channing Tatum. (Side Note: Didn't love Magic Mike XXL" but did enjoy his sick dance moves) However, I do make a decent effort to take care of myself. Most of you don't even realize that I have to work out four times a week just to maintain average.  

This is how I would look if I didn't exercise

So I do my walk of shame back to the office and my co-worker takes notice that I'm empty-handed. 

Co-Worker: Where's your smoothie? You saw her right?
I had two choices here: Do I be honorable/ethical and tell the truth? Or do I lie and risk any future extra embarrassment/humiliation? You better believe I f'in lied my tuckus off!
Jonno: Nah, I just decided to go the other direction to Starbucks.
This weak attempt at a lie wasn't apparently enough for my nosy co-worker.
Co-Worker: But why? It's free! 
He had a point. What would make me turn down such a delicious and scrumptious treat? I needed to think of something good and fast. I had no other choice, but to steal from the very best. My inspiration. And that individual is Tyra Banks. So I replied...

I'll tell you one thing that will never discriminate me for how I look... And that's a mouth-watering 6-Piece Chicken McNugget!

1. I was getting ready to use the restroom at work, but then I suddenly get a phone call. I check my phone and it's an LA number. Given that I don't get many phone calls, I was excited and decided to answer it. I hadn't officially started my "business" yet and was standing up, fully clothed. It turns out it's a female client from one of the agencies we work with.
Female Client: Hi Jonno, how are you doing?
Jonno: Oh hi! I'm doing--
Suddenly the automatic flush on the toilet goes off. I am completely flabbergasted and frozen. There is literally 8 seconds of awkward silence. Until...
Female Client: Do you want me to call you back?
Jonno: That's probably a good idea.

2. My in-laws were in town and staying at a nice hotel. They invited me over to the hotel pool and I suddenly became an extra in a Schmitt's Gay SNL commercial. 
Not that there's anything wrong with that

3. Speaking of sexy men, but I'm currently in talks to star in the prequel to Magic Mike: "Magic Mike XS." 

4. Because my side profile is way more attractive than my front profile, I'm going to start walking sideways from now on. 
5. Hosting a new game show where contestants have to guess if I have... "Sunburn or Rosacea" (Chances are it's the latter.) 
6. You know you are getting old when you ask your wife to explain how Periscope works and she replies, "Isn't that what pirates use to see things that are out of sight?" 

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