Sunday, August 16, 2015


The other weekend I had the distinct pleasure of going to the Ventura County Fair. We were going with another couple to see Huey Lewis and the News perform. (Younger Peeps: They are a band that had several hit songs in the 80s, mainly from the movie “Back To the Future.”) (Even Younger Peeps: “Back to the Future” is an iconic movie from 1985.) (Note to myself: God, am I getting old.) 

Moving On... I enter the fair, look around and I'm immediately slapped in the face with culture shock. 

Me at the Country Fair

I feel like I'm part of "The Jerry Springer Show" meets "COPS" reunion. It's a bit overwhelming and I start freaking out at the wife about wanting to leave. She tries to calm me down by telling me that we'll get something to eat. Typically this tactic of distracting me with food works effectively. However, since my "free smoothie" incident (previous blog entry) I've been tracking my calories by using the delightful "MyFitnessPal" app. (More like "MyFitnessAnnoyingEnemy!" LOL! Okay, I'll stop and go back to crying inside.)

Also, trying to eat healthy at a fair is near impossible. It’s like trying to avoid having sex at an orgy. (Sorry that was the best analogy I could think of) Everywhere you turn there is a booth offering some delectable deep-fried goodie. Heck, even one of the fellow fair-goers tried to take a bite out of my ass because they thought it was deep-fried. (Which is quite juicy if I might add) 

I then stumble upon a booth that was selling chicken kabobs. I thought to myself, "How bad could grilled chicken and veggies be for you?" I considered asking them how many calories were in the kabobs, but I stopped myself because I know a question like that can get you stabbed at a county fair. So I order the kabobs, but the concession employee has a look of concern.

Concession Employee: Sorry, but we’re still cooking the kabobs.

Jonno: Oh, do you know how long that will take?

Concession Employee: Uhh… A little over an hour.

Are you friggin kidding me? What the heck are they grilling here?

This might explain why

Unfortunately, it was back to the drawing board. I notice a Mexican food stand with some sort of healthy sign and give it a shot. The line is literally taking forever and barely moving. And to make matters worse, I have this older woman behind me yacking it up and practically stepping on the back of my heels. I mean what’s the deal with people? Doesn’t anyone have a sense of space anymore? On top of all this, the cash register gal is repeatedly yelling for everyone to get in two lines when there is only one register. 

After 10-15 minutes of waiting, it’s finally time for me to order. For whatever reason, something comes over me and I’m just not getting a good vibe. I don’t know if it was the older yapper, the annoying cash register gal, or just my insanity… But I decide to walk away. And I'm sure you are wondering, "Why couldn't I have made that decision 10 minutes prior?" Good question. I'll ask my therapist at the next session and get back to you. 

Meanwhile, the wife and the other couple are eating together at a table wondering if I got abducted or ran away. At this point, I knew I had to make a decision and make it fast. I see a seafood stand and decide to waddle over. They of course have a bunch of fried fish and shrimp, but then I notice at the bottom of the menu a Salmon Burger.  Bingo! I order the sandwich and am already getting a much better vibe than the Mexican food joint. Just like how Kate Beckinsale was always meant for John Cusack in the extremely underrated movie "Serendipity," the salmon burger was always meant for Jonno. 

The sandwich is finally ready and I'm absolutely starving. I take a big bite, but can sense something tastes a little off. I look at the sandwich to find that the salmon burger is... Not barbecued... Not baked... Not sautĂ©ed... But instead it was... 

(Drum Roll please) 


I'll tell you one thing I'll eat that's deep-fried... A scrumptious and succulent 6-piece McNugget.  

1. The other day I was replying to an email chain at work, where I made a little joke about my former company. I then look at the email and see that I accidentally copied a former co-worker from that same company on the email. Yeah... Umm... I think it's time I just stick with sending messages via telegram or carrier pigeon. (P.S. I hate myself) 

2. Dreamt that I attended a Donald Trump magic show, but this woman sitting next to me kept touching my forehead and bothering me. It was extremely irritating because I paid good money to see Donald Trump's magic show.

3. Note to all wealthy men: Follow the George Costanza rule of only hiring nannies/secretaries that you don't find attractive.

That's right Ben Affleck, I'm talking to you! 

4. Speaking of younger gals... I was extremely sad to hear that Alex from "Modern Family" opted for breast reduction surgery. She really had a bright future ahead of her. 

5. I was jogging and some random older man yells at me, "It's too hot to run!" It's situations like these that make me more flexible on gun laws. 

6. I'm a little late on this, but was extremely saddened about the passing of Rowdy Roddy Piper. Not only did I grow up watching him wrestle, but also had the pleasure of working with him as well. I'll of course never forget the time he accidentally locked himself in the janitor's closet, when he was trying to find the restroom. But the thing that will always stick with me was when he told everyone at our office that if we knew of any sick children, he would go out of his way to visit them at the hospital. Truly one of the most talented and nicest people you will ever meet. 


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