Saturday, September 12, 2015

The Karate Kid

The 80s was a fascinating decade that had plenty of Ups and Downs. For example, some of the "Ups" were Michael Jordan, Capri Suns and Alf, while some of the "Downs" were the Cold War, AIDS and my entrance into this world. Recently, I was reminded of one of the "Ups," which was the movie "Karate Kid." Seeing this movie again proved it is truly one of the best all-around movies in history. And if you have nothing else better to do with your life (like me) check out 8 reasons why.  

1. Emotion: I rarely ever cry during a movie, but as a kid I recall weeping my chubby little heart out during the tournament when it appeared Daniel had no hope as Johnny was intentionally injuring him. Even watching that scene recently, I wanted to jump into the screen and help save Daniel. (Spoiler Alert: Daniel ends up winning and is able to fully heal from his injuries.) And if you care to know, I almost cried in the underrated movie “About Time” when the main character goes back in time one last time to hang with his dad on the beach before he dies. (Excuse me… I'm a bit Ver Clempt and need to step away.)

2. Bad Guy: Come on. Is there really a better bad guy in movie history than Johnny? The guy truly oozes douchebaggery and cockiness. How the hell could you not friggin hate this him? He’s good-looking, athletic, rich, embarrasses Daniel in public, and treats his girl like crap. And where is this dude's Oscar? His karate moves and choreography are off the hook. (Working on my hipness) Plus, to make this movie even more believable the actor said in a recent interview that he is still best friends with the guys who were part of the Kobra Kais! (Villain Shout-out: Also goes to the teacher, Kreese. Man, was that guy a manipulative piece of crap!) 

3. Iconic Quotes: "The Karate Kid" has some of the most memorable quotes that we still obnoxiously repeat 30 years later.

"Wax on, wax off." 
Not only did this scene teach me how to wash a car, but also how to masturbate.

"Sweep the leg." 

This is also what my mom would say to me when the deli guy didn't give us enough lean corned beef.

    4. Daniel LaRusso: We really don't see many characters like Daniel LaRusso anymore. Typically the protagonists in these type of movies are geeky, lack confidence, schlubby, awkward... (Woah, just realized I'm pretty much describing myself here.) But Daniel is the complete opposite. He's cool, calm, athletic, tough as nails and has a way with the ladies.  

   5. Elizabeth Shue: Speaking of ladies... (Segue!) Even at the ripe age of 21, Alli with an "I", stole every young boy's hearts and made us desperately want her to be our babysitter. (Sorry for the creepiness factor)

"Adventures in my Pants" Am I right?

6. Improv Scene: In my 20s I attempted to do improv for a few years in Chicago. (I'll wait for your applause.) I was an extremely average improviser because as my mother kindly described during one performance, "I looked like I was constipated." My best performance came during one of my final shows at IO (A.K.A. Improv Olympic.) Every show the audience would give some sort of suggestion and for this particular show it was "the 80s." So I came into the scene and said "Mom, Dad, Sis... I saw the best movie ever! And I have to take karate."

I fully realize that line is not overly humorous, but because everyone grew up with "The Karate Kid" they erupted with laughter. During the middle of the scene, I get interrupted by some random dance music. I didn't know what the hell was going on, or what to do. So I just decided to beat the crap out of my improv family with Karate Kid moves and the audience went nuts. #humblebrag #StillBadAtImprov

P.S. After the show, the DJ told me he hit some button by mistake and did not intend for the music to play. #NotSureIfIShouldHaveToldThisStory #StopWithTheHashTags

 7. Cameos: Not only did this film feature great character and actors, but there were also stellar cameos that you may have missed. 

-Frances Bay was Daniel's crazy, older neighbor with dog. You know her best from "Seinfeld" as the lady that Jerry steals the marble rye from and of course Adam Sandler's grandmother in "Happy Gilmore."

-Larry B. Scott was one of the fellow karate contestants that Daniel beats the crap out of in the tournament. We know him best as the flamboyant Lamar in "Revenge of the Nerds" and also from the highly underrated "Space Camp." 

        (Rumor has it, these two had a steamy romance on set)

  8. Music: Believe it or not some of the music from the movie still holds up with such gems  as "Cruel Summer" by Banarama and of course the chilling, but ultra-motivating "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito. And if you have never danced to this song in the confides of your home in just your underwear... Then frankly you haven't lived. 

Just try to block-out that this is the actual singer of the song

There's really one thing that's more satisfying than watching "The Karate Kid" and that's a delicious and mouth-watering 6-Piece Chicken McNugget. 

1. Every time I see a skateboarder practice their moves, I really just want to to say to them.... "You realize, nothing will come from this, right?" (Some may think the same thing about this blog entry as well)  

2. I might not have any role models in sports, but I do have a ROLL Model thanks to Penn State's Freshman Kicker.  

It's probably the Freshman 75

3. Staying on the sports subject...  If Aaron Rodgers and Olivia Munn have a child together, it's going to have a great arm with nice tits.

4. My biggest takeaway from the film "No Escape" is to NOT take your wife and kids to Thailand when there are riots going on and they want to kill you. 

5. From my parents, I've learned that older people not only suffer from memory loss, but also from severe butt-dialing.  

6. Some people have resting bitch face, but I suffer from resting double-chin face. 



Anonymous said...

Great post. I guess you don't subscribe to the theory that Daniel was the real bully in that movie.


Jonno said...

I've heard about this theory and its complete and utter horseshit! (Thank you for reading my blog though)