Saturday, September 26, 2015

Excuse Me, Can You Help Me?

Not sure if it's my baby blue eyes, boyish smile, softish/average figure, or my constant dandruff, but strangers seem to always ask me for help. The other day I am waddling into my office building, which is right off of Sunset in a sketchy part of Hollywood (then again every part of Hollywood is sketchy.) Right as I'm about to press the code to enter a gated door, I hear someone behind me yell out "Excuse me, can you help me?" 

I turn around to see a middle-aged man getting out of his car and walking aggressively towards me. Feel free to call me a wuss if you want, but the fact that he was getting out of his car weirded me out. I mean, if the guy wanted directions or something wouldn't he just stay in his car and roll down his window like a sane person? And why did he have to approach me with such an aggressive manor? I'm not saying he needed to skip or gallop, but let's just say he didn't make the best first impression.  

The man was probably in his mid-to-late 40s. average height/weight and looked like the comedic actor Matt Walsh from "Veep," but with hipster glasses. He kind of looked like someone who you would hear about in the news going postal and murdering everyone at a coffee shop. (Where I am currently as a write this. And why is some random man staring at me? Maybe I should go home.)  


In the split-second, two quick scenarios popped in my head about what this guy was going to do to me. 

1) Immediately punch me in the face and take my wallet. 
2) Somehow manage to chloroform me, put me in his car and live in his basement for the rest of my life. 

Also, if this guy was going to indeed attack me. Why me? I get that internally I'm a wuss, but you think most people would choose other targets than a 6'3/200lb male (rounding down) in his 30's with decently broad shoulders. (My mom told me once they looked broad) 

I respond to him and say, "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm late to work," and frantically try to open up the gated door. In an extremely irritated tone, the man says "Fine!" gets in his car and drives off. It puzzled me as to why he would drive off, if he was in such desperate need of help. I mean why not wait for the next, klutzy, tall, awkward Jew to walk by and ask for help? I probably will never know what that man actually wanted, but at least I am alive to write about it. For now... (The guy at the coffee shop is still staring at me) 

A few days later, I was put in a similar predicament. I was heading out for a jog at around 7am (I'll wait for your shock to ware off) and am stopped by a random gentleman trying to prop open the door of my apartment building. He says, "Excuse me, can you help me?"  

All I could think is here we go again... And how about the timing of this? If I just would have been 15 seconds earlier or later I probably could have avoided this. Why God? Why????
This gentleman was also in mid-to-late 40s, but had a British accent, which made it even more suspicious. He kind of looked like that Desmond character from "LOST."


Desmond explains that he was moving in and something was not working correctly with his keys. I told him I can't help him and to contact the Apartment Manager. (Like any other human would do when they first move into an apartment building) Plus, why the hell should I believe him? It wasn't too long ago that the car parked next to us in our parking garage was broken into and stolen. I will also admit I wasn't the most pleasant, since I am not a morning person and not extremely excited about my upcoming physical activity. 

Desmond rejects my reluctance to help him and continues to show me his keys. I tell him again that he needs to contact the apartment manger, like every single tenant in apartment living history. Desmond glares at me and says sarcastically "Great to meet you neighbor." 

Later that morning, I call the apartment manager to let them know about Desmond. And of course the husband (of the apartment manager) answers who is elderly, South-African, and not the easiest to understand. I explain to him what happened...

Jonno: Do you know of a British Man that is supposed to be moving?

Elderly/South African Apt. Manager: What did you say? 

Jonno: Is there a British Man moving in?  

Elderly/South African Apt. Manager: No, I don't believe so.  

Ah-Ha! I was right that Desmond was a phony and up to no good! In that moment, I felt like a hero and that I saved the apartment building and the tenants from a dangerous individual. Until...

Elderly/South African Apt. Manager: Oh wait! Did you say a British Man? Yeah, he's moving in to the unit right next to the elevator. 

Jonno: Lovely. Wonderful. Thanks for your help. 

CUT TO: Me being attacked by the Matt Walsh look-alike (from story #1) and the only person that can help me is Desmond. Instead of helping, Desmond jumps in and beats my ass as well. 

I'll tell you one thing, I would be willing to help in any situation and that's a juicy and delectable 6-piece Chicken McNugget

1. Pitching a new game show: "How in the hell do I know that person on my Facebook news feed?" 

2. I was so moved by "A Football Life" about Doug Flutie that I'm going to reduce my height to 5'9.   

3. Is it just me or does the latest winner of HBO's "Project Greenlight" look kind of like another famous TV personality?  

4.  After attending the LA Podcast Festival and meeting podcast fans, I think there needs to be more podcasts about the importance of grooming and good hygiene. 

5. Spoiler Alert: In "The Intern" Robert DeNiro teaches Anne Hathaway life lessons that will help her grow and become a better all-around individual.  

6. My biggest disappointment from the Emmys is that I did not win for best supporting chin in a dramatic series. 



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