Tuesday, November 17, 2015

A Case of the Mundays

Let's face it, Monday's are really just a huge pile of crap. Nobody likes Mondays. And if you do like Mondays, then there is seriously something wrong with you and probably deserve a good old-fashioned wedgie. Recently, I had the pleasure of having a horrible "Case of the Mundays" and this is how it all went down.  

I'm getting ready to leave for work and I go to grab my wallet. The only problem is that my wallet is nowhere to be seen in the drawer I always leave it in. I start to panic a little bit, but then figure its maybe in the cargo shorts I wore the previous night. I check all four of the pockets and there's no wallet. Now its time for me to officially freak out. 

For those that care to remember, losing my wallet is one of my biggest fears. Actually it's probably more in my top five 

1. Death
2. Car Accident 
3. Any scary movie
4. McDonalds running out of Chicken McNuggets.  
5. Losing my wallet 

The reason for number five is because when I was in college my dad accidentally took my wallet and blamed me for losing it. It pretty much scarred for me life. (You can read about it here.) 

Back to the story... I then try to retrace my streps and recall the last time I had my wallet. (Similar to the episode of "The Cosby Show" when Vanessa left her homework in the fridge.) The previous night I was doing some work at Coffee Bean. Okay to be honest, I was probably doing everything I could to avoid doing work and instead staring awkwardly at other patrons.

Me at the coffee shop. 

I remember using my wallet to purchase something online (I promise it wasn't porn) which meant there's a good chance I indeed left it there. So I call Coffee Bean to see if the kindness of humanity came through and found my wallet. 

ME: Hi, by any chance did someone find a wallet last night? 


ME: Oh great! Is it black? 

(Out of nowhere my wife decides to interject.)

THE WIFE (O.S): It's not black, it's navy!  

ME: Sorry, I mean is it navy? 

COFEE BEAN BARISTA: No, it's black. 

Rather than argue back and forth the color, I figured it was mine and told them I would be right there to pick it up. I waddle into Coffee Bean and the wallet is indeed mine! Thank you God! Someone is indeed watching over me! 

Now I have to figure out what to give them in return. $10? Send pizzas over for lunch? Is that too much money? Is that not enough? What is the etiquette for situations like this? At least with tipping, we know to give 20 percent. Even though they refuse to take any money, I toss $20 on the counter and thank them again. Folks, just refer to me as Jonno WarBucks from now on. 

I assume at this point, all the crazy chaos was over and I could just get to work and start my week. Right? Not so fast big guy! 

Somebody has a "Case of the Mundays."

At my lovely job, we don't have parking. So I have to scour the sketchy streets of Hollywood to find a parking spot. Usually when I'm running late or can't find parking I just park in the Denny's parking lot across the street. Right as I pull into Denny's, I see that its blocked off and under construction for two weeks. Are you friggin kidding me? I then drive around for another 10 minutes looking for parking. Only half of the spots are available because there is street cleaning on Monday. And what the hell does street cleaning actually do? Can you seriously ever say the streets look clean to you?  

I finally come across what appears to be enough of a "gray" area for me to park. But of course there is some Hipster dude sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. Out of all those places to sit and smoke, is the one available parking spot in Hollywood the best place? 

I give him a slight wave to gesture that I would like to park where he is sitting. He sees me and gets up. Whew. Okay. That's a positive start. Then the Hipster Dude starts taking his time and doesn't move of the way. I'm literally sitting there for a few minutes, waiting for him to gather his Hipster belongings. I thought about honking, but didn't really have the energy or chutzpah for any type of confrontation.  

Finally the Hipster Dude moves out of the way and I'm able to park my car. Out of nowhere, I hear someone trying to get into my car. I turn around and it's the Hipster Dude. I don't know what the hell was going on. I mean was I actually getting carjacked? Is this seriously happening right now? Maybe it was shock, but I do my best to hold my composure. Fortunately, my doors are locked and the Hipster Dude isn't trying to break in overly aggressively. So maybe he was just high on something or really out of it. 

I then brainstorm other ideas what this guy could be thinking. I considered driving away, but I really did not want to lose this fabulous parking spot. I slightly roll down my window just enough to talk to him, but not enough so he could stab me... 

JONNO: Hey, what are you doing?

HIPSTER DUDE: What do you mean?

JONNO: Why are you trying to get in my car? 

HIPSTER DUDE: Wait, you're not my Uber driver? 

JONNO: What? No. 

HIPSTER DUDE: Oh, my bad. My Uber driver drives a Prius too. 

We share a chuckle about what just happened and I am just completely relieved that I'm not being robbed. Heck, we even shared a hug and made out a little bit. It's true you really don't know where you will find love these days. Also, all of you should be receiving a SAVE THE DATE in the mail very soon. #Blessed 

I'll tell you one thing that would help cure a Case of the Mundays... And that's a juicy and succulent 6-piece Chicken McNugget. 

1. I was taking a pleasant weekend nap and my wife suddenly wakes me up to tell me that Chrissy Teigen likes a Pho restaurant down the street from us. #PerksOfBeingMarried 

2. My favorite part of going to parties, is when I get to leave them. 

3. Speaking of being a big party guy... Considering starting a music career and calling myself "The Weekday." 

4. I recently saw the "Steve Jobs" movie and I couldn't understand why a guy who looks like Michael Fassbender would lock himself in a garage with a chubby nerd to build computers. 

5. Hey kids, if you want to know Victoria's Secret its that you'll never get a girl who likes that.

6. Developing a new game show: "Is this person trying to carjack me OR do they think I'm their Uber driver? 


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