Sunday, September 13, 2009

Wet Cement, Gerald Butler, and BBWs

A few blogs ago(Yellow Tape, A Smiley Haitian, and Jennifer Anniston), I had mentioned that I had an incident where I stepped into wet cement. It was a horribly idiotic and embarrassing moment in my life. A moment that I assumed would never happen ever again. If you wanted to bet on it in Vegas, the odds would be set at 100 to 1. So in other words, a long shot. The other day I was walking down the street after a doctor's appointment. I was a bit distorted from the appointment and I had to make another phone call to set up an appointment with another doctor. Okay the secret is out people... I'm getting a sex change. Chaz Bono and I are swapping body parts. Is it just me or does Chaz Bono share a resemblance to Uncle Kracker? Anyway... I'm walking down the street, trying to make a phone call... And all of the sudden my foot feels stuck. I look down to see what the issue was and it happened again. I had stepped in wet cement that apparently had not dried. But this one was way worse. First of all, I had both feet in the cement. The previous time, I only had one foot. And this cement was way deeper and wetter. It was almost like this cement was the big angry mother of the previous one and was getting payback on me for stepping on her child. The closest thing I can compare to stepping in wet cement is when you get depantsed by somebody. You kind of just stand there for a few moments in shock. When the shock went away, the next thing to look for... Did anybody see this? Immediately, I see three younger dudes laughing their asses off. They are having a friggin ball at my expense. And rightfully so I must say. If I saw some bumbling, fumbling idiot step in wet cement, it would truly make my day too. I look to the right and the construction guys are furious at me. They look like they are ready to beat my ass. I mean who knows how long it took for them to put this cement down that I had ruined.

My next step was to get out of the cement. At this point, both of my shoes are demolished. And the ironic thing is that I was wearing the same jeans when it happened before. I swear I always have an article of clothing that is cursed and bad things always happen whenever I wear it. I had this one zip-up Abercrombie Tan sweater, where the worse shit would happen to me whenever I wore it. So I had to give it away because I couldn't take it anymore. So if I have another incident like this, the Seven Jeans are going to a nice young man named Ogbay in Ethiopia. So as I was saying, I'm trying to get out of the cement and I take my left foot out. My foot comes out of my shoe and the shoe is stuck by itself in the cement. I look to see if the three young guys have left, unfortunately they haven't. They are practically on the ground laughing hysterically. Oddly enough, my right foot made it out okay. So here I am standing with one shoe on, while the other one is stuck in the cement. A very angry, Hispanic construction worker approaches me and gets my shoe out from the cement. He stares at me with complete and utter disgust. I didn't know what to say to him. I knew an apology wasn't enough, but I still said sorry regardless. The construction worker begins to yell at me in broken English. "You and Phone! Bad! No phone and walk! Bad! It was as if my father was yelling at me after something stupid I did. Even though I couldn't understand a word he was saying, I knew he was right. So I didn't know what to say to him. I was like, "You're right. Okay?" As I exit and do the walk of shame, I notice on the other side of the wet cement, a friendly construction worker is guiding people as they walk by to prevent them from walking into it. Why in the hell was there no construction worker guiding me on the side I entered? It was like night and day between the two sides. On the other side, the construction worker was smiling, giving back massages, and handing out snow cones. While on the side I enter on, I get my shoe stuck in cement, 3 dudes laugh their asses off at me, and a Hispanic construction worker yelling at me in broken English. Not fair!

Other McNuggets(Honey Mustard Dipping sauce... Mmmmmm...)

-I was going down the elevator from the 20th floor at work. My stomach started rumbling a little bit. So I thought it would be a good time for me to let one go. A second later the elevator stops at the 19th floor. Five people barrel into the elevator and into my gas. Let's just say, I got a lot of uncomfortable looks. Note to self: It's never safe to fart in an elevator.

-You know you are in a highly emotional state, when you start crying during HBO's "Hard Knocks". What can I say? It got me when the mother started crying, after she saw her son on the NFL field for the first time. This pathetic event made me wonder to myself, when was the last time I cried during a movie/TV show? And it was when I was about six or seven and I would cry whenever I watched "Karate Kid". I hated the part when that douche Johnny dude beat the crap out Ralph Macchio towards the final fight and it looked liked he had no chance to win. Man, that always got me.

-What's going on with Gerald Butler these days? Is he the male counterpart to Elizabeth Banks? When I saw "Inglorious Bastards", the dude was in three of the previews that I saw. Hollywood, can we have a little more variation here instead of shoving the same damn actor down our throats? And who does this Gerald Butler guy think he is? Has he ever been a good movie? I know he was in that 300 Spartan crap, but I never saw that. The only movie I've ever seen him in was "P.S. I Love You." And that movie sucked more than stepping in wet cement for the second time. I'm really not looking very masculine right now, between the crying and admitting that I saw "P.S. I Love You."
(P.S. I Love Jonno)

-I was in Best Buy paroozing DVD's. And let me tell you, they were some very manly, masculine DVD's. So this Best Buy representative walks by me and says "Are you okay boss?" Now I have to say, I'm not a fan of the being called boss. I'm not saying I should be this well respected individual because I don't even respect myself. But boss? Come on! Who says that? And what does it mean? Does it mean that I look like the total opposite of a real boss, so that's the irony in calling me that? Is it kind of like how you would walk up to a hideous ugly looking person and say to them, "How's it going good looking?" To make a long story short, I purchased "P.S. I Love You" and got the hell out of there.

-When you're sitting on airplane, waiting to see which passengers are sitting next to you. It's almost comparable to your first day of school, when you are curious to see which people are in your classes. I feel the same way when I'm on airplane, trying to scout out which people I will be stuck with for the next few hours. So I was fortunate enough to get an aisle seat in an Emergency exit row. So at this point, I'm thinking life is good. A bit of an older, bigger man comes into my row and has the window seat. No biggie, I still got the buffer middle seat. Then a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) sits directly across from me. BBW is putting it nicely, let's just say she asked for a belt extension. But again, not a big deal because she was across from me. Finally another BBW approaches me and of course she is in the middle seat next to me. So in a way, I was in this BBW sandwich. Which is much better for a porn site, then on a plane.

(Can I sit next to you?)

She was nice enough lady, but I'm surprised given her stature why she would select a middle seat. Because her body overlapped into my seat, so my arm was pressed up against her. Am I turning you on? Because I am! To make matters worse, she's starting yacking it up with the guy sitting by the window. Then the BBW sitting across from me opens up her Diet 7-Up bottle and it sprays all over me. Not a good flight for the boss.

I'm Out!

1 comment:

Food Girl said...

The boss comment is funny, but hey Big Man or Little Brother is a good one too! I cannot believe that you stepped in cement a 2nd time OR that you were wearing the same jeans. You are a funny man, but I am always surprised that these odd circumstances tend to find you!