Sunday, August 23, 2009

Possum Haircuts, Gawking, and Katy Perry

The other day I went to get a haircut. I did not make an appointment, so I was hoping to get a walk-in. The first place I went to, there were four of five people sitting down waiting. So that was not going to work. I then went into another barbershop and they told me they had nothing available until 11am. Apparently, I did not get the memo that it was get your haircut day. With the mindset the third time is the charm, I saw a sign for "Michael's Barbershop". So I waddled inside and there were no customers. Finally! There was a middle-aged man in a barber's uniform and some younger suave looking guy sitting in the barber's chair. I couldn't tell if he worked there or was a customer. Because he didn't look like a guy who worked at a barbershop. I usually prefer older, ugly men to cut my hair. So I was hoping the barber looking guy would approach me, but instead the suave looking dude did. Immediately I thought to myself, "Shit!"

So right away I got the impression that this suave guy reeked of doucheness. I sat down in the chair and I told him I wanted my usual fade. He had trouble understanding how I wanted my hair to be cut. And he also talked in this low, quiet, mumbling voice where it was near impossible to hear him. So he starts making small talk with me. He asks me where I was from and then I asked him where he was from. He replied, "Michigan". So being the great conversationalist that I am, I asked why did he move to Chicago. He replies, "Why do you think? For the chicks man." Right then I debated if I should take the blow dryer and clobber him in the face with. "For the chicks man"? Have you ever heard a more douchey comment in your life? Who the hell talks like that? I think the last person who talked like that was the Fonze. I did my best to compose myself and let him finish my haircut. So he asked how I want my hair cut on the sides. And I usually like it fairly short. So he asks, if I usually have my sides cut with clippers. I really hate when they ask me these questions because I never know the answer. Especially the question of what number to set the razor on. I can never remember for the life of me. Not knowing the answer, I said yes to using the clippers.

So he starts shaving the sides of my head and it looks EXTREMELY short. I mean it looks like he's giving me a Mohawk or one of these 90's skater boy cuts. It was that short people! I didn't know what to do. Could I stop him? Was it too late? Was there enough time to salvage this disaster? In a freaked out panic, I practically leaped out of my chair and yelled out "Stop!" He looks at me quizzically. I'm like, "Don't you think you're going a little too short on the sides. It looks really short". He replies, you said you wanted clippers. Well hello Mr. Douche McGee! Had I known clippers meant Mohwak/Skateboard kid shaved sides, then I would've said no! So he looks at me like, "What the hell do you want me to do?" There wasn't really much he could do since he had already started this mess. So he tells me that he's going to blend it on the sides. But it was too late. It was literally the worse haircut I have gotten in my life. On top of that, he sucked at life and it cost $30! When he was done with me, I looked like a mentally challenged possum. It was horrible. I was embarrassed to even walk outside. It was so bad homeless men couldn't even look at me in the eye. They actually gave me money. Who knows? Maybe the retarded possum haircut can become the new George Clooney?

(Do I turn you on?)

Other McNuggets....

-I really think the gawking that men do has gotten out of control. Don't get me wrong, when an attractive female walks by, I'll take a look, but quickly look away. But these gawker dudes I see on the streets don't really hide it that well. It's almost like they become hypnotized when they are intrigued by a woman and start walking backwards uncontrollably like a zombie. To add to that, what has happened to the gawker standards? Maybe it's the economy, but lately if a girl is 200 pounds or under and can breathe she will most likely be gawked at. What we need are some mentally challenged possum haircuts for women, which will help reduce the amount of uncomfortable gawking. Who's with me?

-I was driving in my car the other day... And I got caught picking my nose by a female in the car next to me. It was a very awkward situation. There really is no good way to bounce back from getting caught during a pick. The best way to explain the feeling, is when a fat kid gets caught taking a cookie from the cookie jar. It sucks, but it was totally worth it.

-It is it just me or are pigeons flying lower and lower these days? Yesterday, I was waddling down the street and a pigeon literally grazed by head. I don't believe it defecated on me or anything, but I definitely felt like my personal space was violated. I wonder if there is a correlation between the pigeon grazing my head and the mentally challenged possum hairdo?

-I'm not gonna lie, I see some weird shit on my daily walk to work. I was walking in this alley and I see some guy wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses hunched over a garbage dumpster. There was another man standing next to him reading a newspaper. I had no idea what was going on, so I kept looking over at him. It looked like he was smelling the garbage. Then I look back again and I thought he was snorting coke or something. So I turn back and look again and out of nowhere a waterfall of a Mountain Dew looking vomit shoots out his mouth like no other. I guess really nothing good can from gawking. Even if it's same sex gawking.

-Speaking of gawking, I really gotta thing for this Katy Perry gal. Not only are her songs not too bad, but she's pretty easy on the eyes. She looks my friend Zooey Deschanel, but with some curves added. I just thought I would share that with you.
(Do I turn you on?)

-I was flipping channels on the Tele and I came across the Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian reality show. What the hell? Why is this show on my TV? So let me get this straight... First we have a girl named Kim Kardashian on TV because her father was O.J.'s lawyer, her mom got re-married to Bruce Jenner, and she did a sex tape with Brandy's brother. Neither of those things warrant a TV show or fame. So now, we have her sisters with their own show, who are even less revelant. So what's next? A show on Kim Kardashian's underwear skid marks? Actually, I probably would watch that.

-And finally, I have joined the twitter craze. So feel free to follow me at And right now we have a special campaign, where every person that follows me gets a complimentary mentally challenged possum haircut.

I'm Out!

1 comment:

Food Girl said...

That is some pretty funny stuff Jonno! The possum picture was hilarious, but I think I'd like to see a picture of this crazy haircut. Bonus points if you post a picture of you picking your shnaz!