Monday, July 16, 2012

A 25-Piece McNugget

I think it's about time we did some McNuggets!

1.After sitting through the movie “That’s My Boy”, the only fair retaliation would be for me to kidnap Adam Sandler and give him a dutch oven for 90 minutes.

2. My mom's description of HBO's "Girls" pilot. "I couldn't believe what I saw. She was having sex from behind and everything!"

3. Lena Dunham is a heck of a talent, but I find it troubling my breasts are bigger than hers.

4. Speaking of breasts, Kate Upton please make some despicable anti-Semitic remark or do something horribly gross that will make me stop obsessing over you.

  I can never stop sharting.

 5. To all the people that attend Farmers Markets... The sliced-up strawberries in the plastic bag are not samples, they are the eaten samples. I unfortunately had to find this out the hard way.

6. After reading about the dangers of bath salt, I took a bath with pepper instead and felt a lot safer.

7. Whenever I walk by a women's work-out class, there is always one out-of-shape guy in the back of the room that looks horribly out of place. The unfortunate part is that I'll probably be that guy in a few years.  

8. I would like to apologize to all the people who invested in my kids toy idea called the “Tickle Monster.” Just bad timing.

9. I appreciate the respectful communication I'm receiving from strangers, but if you're significantly older than me there's no reason to call me "Sir."    

10. One of the many reasons I hate the Facebook Timeline feature, is that now everyone knows I was fly girl for "In Living Color" in 1991.

11. I'm beginning to think my Mohel made a mistake during my circumcision. I must hunt him down and have a few words with him.

12. Dear band named FUN, give me one more good single and I'm buying your album.  I have to be cautious because I'm still scarred by the purchase of my Crash Test Dummies CD in 1994.

13. Not sure why John Travolta, just didn’t swap faces with Nicolas Cage before he attempted any sexual assaults.

14. And I'm totally shocked that the star of "Grease" and the person who dressed up in drag in "Hairspray" could be a homosexual.

15. Speaking of homosexuals and Scientology... I have a feeling Katie Holmes and Suri had to escape Tom Cruise like Tim Robbin's character escaped prison in "The Shawshank Redemption."    

16.If there is a job out there that requires you to intentionally avoid people you know when you see them in public, please tell me where I can send my resume. 

17. Memo to all drivers and pedestrians in Los Angeles and across America... Yes, I drive a Prius and I'm fully aware it doesn't make any noise. No need to inform me.

18. Does anybody else get this message when they connect their car bluetooth to their cell? Or is it just me? "Hands-Free connection a Success. You are Not"

19. I’ve come to the realization it's nearly impossible for a man to not fart when he is urinating at an airport urinal.

20. Why does the number of plastic bags a person carries, increase exponentially as they get older?

21. After seeing the size of Dan Akyroyd recently, I'm beginning to think he ate John Belushi.  

22. When I went to see "Magic Mike" my disguise did not work and I got noticed.
Any better disguise ideas when I go see the Katy Perry 3D movie?

 23. I think Matthew McConaughey feels just as uncomfortable wearing a t-shirt, as I feel going shirtless.

24. Also, thank you Channing Tatum for putting an end to the stereotype that white guys can't dance. That kid can bust a move.

25. I realize I'm not helping the stereotype by saying "bust a move" in the previous nugget.


1 comment:

Adam Rowe said...

You are a talented young man!