Saturday, January 31, 2009

Playing Footsie, Fat Jessica, and the Po-lice.

-I had the pleasure of going to an in-door water park this past weekend. I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Why would you go to an in-door water park?" Let me get back to you on that one, I'm still not exactly sure. Moving on, while I was in the hot tub, this heavy-set, burly, tattooed man kept on playing footsie with me. I believe it was unintentional, but at the same time I still felt used and violated. But I guess that is the price you have to pay, when you have hot, sexy feet. In other news, my left foot now has crabs.

-After a two year hiatus, I started watching "Lost" again. I don't understand why a TV show has to be so confusing. Enough with the time change and everything. I barely know what day it is and the date in my own life. Remember the birthday party game, "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"? You would get spun around a few times, while being blind-folded. Well, that's exactly how I feel after watching each episode. One word please for the "Lost" writers, SIMPLIFY.

-I've overheard all these rumblings that Jessica Simpson has gotten fat. So I took time out of my busy schedule to see what all the hub bub was about... Okay, she looks like she might of put on 5-7 pounds. But I still wouldn't call her fat. If that's fat, then please call me for now on, Mumbo Jumbo Jonno. Fat is somebody like Rosie O'Donnell. (I apologize Rosie, for using you as an example) or that James Gandolfini Sopranos guy. That's fat. I think we've all forgotten the definition of what it means. Jessica, I know you are reading this because you are one of my biggest (Not physically big) fans... Feel free to come over to my place and I will console with my hot, sexy feet during these tough times.

-I went to go see "Taken" the other night. Good fast-paced movie and Liam Neeson gave me a heterosexual hard on. Anyways, I'm sitting there with my GF shoveling popcorn into my mouth and I noticed all these kids at the theater. I'm not talking high school kids, these are kids who looked like they were in the 3rd grade. If I was in 3rd grade, why the hell would I want to see a movie about an ex CIA Spook whose daughter gets taken away by Albanians for sex trafficking? When I was that age I was watching Alf and Ninja Turtles, while I picked my nose. (Actually, I still do that) And who are these parents accompanying them that have no idea what the movie is about? I just don't get it! Anyways, as I was saying... I'm sitting at the theater and five more kids coming running in. They looked like they were probably in the 6th grade. They run up the stairs like annoying bastards and of course they sit right behind me. Crap! So we got up and moved somewhere else. Now I've never done this before, but I saw some of the handicapped seats open. And in most of my movie viewing experiences I hardly ever see a handicapped person sit in those seats. I've seen some elderly people, but that's about it. So we sit in the "special" seats. I'm content with myself that I made the right seating decision. A few minutes later I look to the left and I see a female in a wheel chair. She looks at me and I feel like the biggest douche in the world. We get up and offer her our seats and she politely accepts them. Now the theater is pretty much full, so we have nowhere to sit. The female in the wheel chair ends sitting in a different seat. So then my GF and I move back to the original seats. I still felt bad about what had happened, but I was glad to see she had found a better option. The lights go down and the movie is about to start and in walks this large and in charge dude, who sits right next to us. Okay, not the worst thing. But then he starts eating the most foul smelling fast food I've ever experienced. It smelled like White Castle meets Lean Cuisine Dinners. So I have now come to the conclusion that I will boycott going to the movies for the rest of my life. Good God!

-This is something that has been on my mind for a while now, but I keep on forgetting to discuss it, What is the deal with the Police in Chicago? Why is it that I never see any policeman downtown? Where are they? What are they doing all day? I don't even see them drive by. I'm beginning to wonder that maybe those "Police Academy" movies weren't so far-fetched. If I was deranged enough to want to rob somebody, I would have a field day in Chicago. There is no way, you would get caught with any repercussions. The few times I do see cops is when they are going to go get food, or if they're shopping. And just recently I hear a story that totally validates my thoughts on the Chicago police. Apparently a 14-year-old boy posed as a Chicago cop and rode in a police car last Saturday, After 5 hours of patrolling and protecting our streets, they finally realized he was not a cop because he was missing a star on his uniform. Are you friggin kidding me? Who is the dumbass officer at the police station that allowed the pimply faced, voice cracking kid to go the assignment? Who is the other buffoon that rode with him in the car for 5 hours and didn't realize it was weird that he wanted to listen to the Jonas Brothers on the radio? All I'm waiting to hear next is that Rod Blagojevich has entered the Chicago Police Academy Training Program.

-Since the Super Bowl is today, I will give my two cents if anybody gives a crap. First of all, I have to say it's one of the most overrated events. All these people watch the game that have no interest in football. They watch the commercials, see the half-time show, eat lots of food, and socialize at some friend of a friend's party. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I would just like to make that observation. And usually the game itself is boring and not that all compelling. Except for last year's game, that was one of the best I've ever seen. This year's game, I predict won't be that enjoyable. You have the Steelers, who are one of the most boring teams to watch vs. Cardinals, who are one of the worse teams to ever make the Super Bowl. You have an outstanding defense (Steelers) vs. a very high octane offense (Cardinals). I would like the Cardinals to win, mainly because they are the underdogs and there's nothing really to like about the Steelers. Unfortunately a great defense will always beat a great offense. Plus, nobody talks about the Steelers offense, which isn't too shabby. Steelers 27 Cardinals 14.

I'm Out!

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