Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Drunken Nacho Whore

Any time I'm able to go to a Bulls game, it's usually a very enjoyable experience for me. I love watching the game live and also eating the food. My favorite thing to get are the nachos. There's just something about eating nachos at a live sporting event that makes the taste extra scrumptious. I don't know if it's something in the air, but I salivate when I dip that tortilla chip in the gooey, fattening, artificial cheese. I have run into a few problems with the jalapeno peppers. Problems, which I rather not disclose if you catch my drift. So I've learned to eat the peppers in moderation, because you gotta at least have some.

So I'm sitting down, inhaling a slice of pizza(the appetizer before the nachos), and watching the game with my buddy. I realized that about 5 minutes into the 1st quarter, all the seats around me were pretty much vacant. Even though I was sitting in the balcony, you still would think the first 3 rows would be occupied. But I wasn't complaining, because I've had enough idiots sit by me and ruin games in my life. So I began to wonder, maybe miracles can really happen. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy the game and more importantly my nachos in peace. Right then, in comes a friggin bus load of these yuppies. There had to be around 30 of them, a mixture of guys and girls. I had no idea where the heck they came from and why there were so many of them, but boy did they look annoying. The majority of them were carrying alcoholic beverages and seemed like they had been boozing for a while. You could tell they had absolutely no interest in the game and were just going for the social experience. Kind of like going to a Cubs game. After about 3o minutes of trying to figure out where their seats where, the yuppie train finally sat down. I turned to my buddy and just shook my head. I knew we would be in for a long night.

The yuppie train eventually settled down and I was able to somewhat enjoy the game. On my mind now, was when to get the nachos. I thought about getting them during the 2nd Quarter, it was too soon. I thought about getting them during halftime, just did not feel right. 5 minutes into the 3rd Quarter, the inner fat kid was crying and it was time to make the move. I get the nachos and sit down. They look as beautiful as ever. I look to my right and most of the yuppies were gone. I assume they all went for some more booze. Life could not be better. Out of nowhere, this drunken girl walks 10 seats down and plops right next to my buddy. He was eating his nachos periodically throughout the game. So he was near the last stage of the nacho eating. So this drunk girl sits next to my buddy and digs her hand into his nachos and starts eating them. I couldn't believe the nerve of that girl! I've been in plenty of intoxicated states before, but never have I stooped to the level of eating somebody's nachos. Fortunately for my buddy, he was almost done so it wasn't the biggest deal. The drunken moocher, takes a chip and spills cheese all over herself. I then thought to myself, who is the lucky man that is going to marry this wonderful bride? Even though it was a bit annoying, I kind of laughed it off. What did I care? My nachos weren't being abducted.

Then out of nowhere with supernatural strength, the drunken nacho whore ripped my box of nachos out of my hands. I was in shock. Here I am, just trying to enjoy the game and eat this heavenly treat and I got some idiot taking them away from me. So I kind of just lost it. I refused to be defeated by this individual. If you want to harm anything, take me before you take my nachos. So I got up out of my seat and I guess just started yelling at her. I don't remember exactly what I said because it was in the heat of the moment, but I believed I had called her a f-in retard. I apologize to my loyal readers, for my classless language, but I was infuriated. So after I've called her a retard and gotten my nachos back, this yuppie douche in the row in front of me turns around and starts yelling at me. "Don't call my friend a retard! She's my friend!" Well if she's your friend, then control her because she's out of control! So we say a few things back and forth. The drunken nacho whore calls me a f-in asshole. Because let's face it people, I am one horrible human being. I really couldn't believe I was involved in this mess. I pretty much didn't even want eat the nachos anymore. Then another one of the yuppie girls, says to me "Umm are you in the right seats?" What? Hello! We've only been sitting here for two hours you dimwit! I wondered what's next? Is somebody going to whack me in the head with a frying pan?

A minute or two later, the drunken nacho theif takes a box of nachos(not mine) and throws them over the balcony. This shows you how out of control she was. Of course security doesn't see it nor do anything about it. And I wasn't going to rat her out and have 30 of her yuppie friends ready to cut my throat. After she threw the nachos over the balcony, the yuppie douche who was yelling at me just a few moments ago, turns around and says "Sorry, you're right. She really is retarded." Well no shit, Sherlock! I appreciate your apology, but you're a little too late. I tried to go back to my nachos and it just wasn't the same. The emotion, the love, the passion, just wasn't there. To make matters worse, every so often the drunken nacho whore would stick her hand out near me and I would have to feed her a nacho. I felt like I was feeding a baby monkey. It was almost like a horror movie, where you keep on thinking the killer is dead, but they keep on coming back. It seemed like this creature had like 9 lives or something. Why couldn't of she fallen over the balcony, rather than that box of nachos?

I refuse to let this incident, alter my devotion and feelings for nachos. They are still the apple in my eye, the thing that makes my stomach drop when I see it, and more importantly the thing that completes me. Just like in any relationship, you are going to have your highs and lows. And this was definitely a low-point for my nacho relationship. But as I've learned through my wise awkward years, this will only make us stronger. And I truly believe that my next nacho experience, will be the best ever.

I'm Out!

1 comment:

Robyn said...

I can't believe you continued to feed her nachos after that! Her friends should have bought you a new box. Seriously.
I will forever be wary of who is sitting around me at a game from now on!