Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Return of Air Douche

After a little under a three year hiatus, I made my triumphant return to the basketball court. My return wasn't necessarily horrible, but it wasn't good. I should mention that the league I joined is a co-ed league. My rational for the co-ed league, was so that I could have a better chance at competing. I'm not trying to be sexist by any means, because I'm a huge Sheryl Swoopes and Cynthia Cooper fan. But let's call a spade a spade here, there's a bit of a difference. Plus, it always fun to throw a few elbows at some butchy broads.

The game is about to start and I meet my teammates. One of my teammates, is my brother-in-law, who hasn't played basketball in 6 years. So as you can see, not a great start to the roster. The basketball jersey, was a little tight fitting on him and he looked like he was ready to burst out like "The Hulk". I was worried the jersey was going to cut off his circulation. We have four girls on our roster, but only one showed up because of the weather. The problem with that, is that league rules say you have to have two girls on the court at all times. Fortunately, the other team felt sorry for us and allowed us to play with four guys.

My plan was to come off the bench and provide instant offense like Steve Kerr, but since "The Hulk" (Brother-In-Law) wasn't budging, I had to start. Right away, I could tell our opposing team was going to be a tough match-up. They appeared to all know each other and took the shoot-around very seriously. My shoot-around didn't go very well. I think I hit like 1 out of the 20 shots I took. My talent in basketball, is shooting... I really don't offer that much else, besides maybe a decent basketball IQ. I knew it was going to be difficult to get back in a shooting rhythm after being away for a few years. So it didn't seem like I had prayer of hitting a shot in the game.

The ball gets tipped off and as "The Joker" says... "And here we go!" My defense is usually horrible. The main problem is that I'm not quick enough to guard a lot of people. So I usually try to guard, smaller/ slower people. The problem with that strategy, is usually the smaller they are, the faster they are. Unless, you are guarding Danny Devito. Right off the bat, the opposing team takes off and whips our ass. I think they got to like a 20 point lead, before we even scored. They were a talented squad, who unfortunately enjoyed to run. Which did not bode well for my stamina five minutes into the game.

I don't know what it is about basketball, but it's a hell of a work-out for your body. I don't run a lot, but I do about 2 1/2 miles 4-5 times a week. So you would think, I could handle a basketball game, but that was unfortunately not the case. At the ten minute mark, I was sweating so much, you would of thought my hair was flooding like Katrina. So at that point I figured to grab some bench. We ended up getting demolished by the other team. And the girls on the their team, we're awfully feisty. Man, here I thought I was going to be schooling them and they were knocking me around like a punching bag. You would think being 6'3/200 pounds, I would be able to use my size to my advantage. But instead I stand on the perimeter and use my size like Mugsy Bouges. And I even got blocked by some 5'7 Indian kid. Too bad they didn't get that on Sportscenter.

In the 2nd half of the game, I actually shot decently well. I hit a few jumpers, including a three pointer and ended up with 9 points. Definitely not outstanding, but I'll take it for being out of the game so long. By the end of the game, I was wiped out and couldn't even make a coherent sentence. But then again, I always have trouble making coherent sentences. Three days later, today, my legs are still aching. And in other news, "The Hulk" is still wearing the same jersey because he can't get it off. We shall see what happens next week. Maybe I can get blocked by a 4-foot Dutch midget?

I'm Out!

No comments: