Sunday, October 08, 2006

Hands Across America

Sorry for the hiatus everybody. Just like how network television takes summer vacations and premiere new shows in the fall. I did the same. So let's go!

I am sure everybody is aware of Netflix. Netflix is a internet DVD delivery service, that deliver DVDs to your home. So you don't have to get off your ass and waddle over to the video store. My P's (I mean Parents, sorry I like to be hip.) have their own netflix account. About seven or eight months ago I was at their house just chillin'. My mother approaches me with a smile and shows me a netflix DVD they got. Normally, the netflix DVD comes in a Red envelope. The one she handed me was in a netflix light blue envelope. She explains to me that they got this DVD by mistake. On the envelope was the name Ron Hughes and it was some address near my P's house. Anyways, I open up the DVD and the title of the movie is "Hand Jobs Across America Vol.2" This is no joke people. First of all, I was not aware that netflix has a porn section of DVD's. Secondly, how awkward is that my mother is showing me the DVD. And she is laughing in addition. Does this mean that my parents watched this video together? Or did my Dad happen to watch this when my mom was not around? Or vice versa? And who is this Ron Hughes guy? He sure seems like some horn dog pervert. Given that the movie he selected was "Hand Jobs Across America Vol. 2." This must mean he has seen the first volume of Hand Jobs Across of America and was pleased with the results.

After coming back to earth by seeing what movie was in this blue netflix envelope. My mom then utters the words "Why don't you take it home." I'm like what? What are you talking about? Take it home? You mean take it home and burn it? Because that is the only thing to do with that DVD because it contaminated. I mean don't get me wrong, there was curiosity about what this Hand Jobs Across America Vol. 2 was all about. I mean what geographic area is the best? East Coast, West Coast, or Midwesterners? Even with this perverted curiosity, there was no way I could take this DVD home with me. Knowing in the back of my head that my mother gave it to me. I could just picture myself watching the DVD in my own privacy, somewhat being intrigued by the DVD, and then picturing my mother with her distinct voice saying . . . "Oh you like that? Enjoying the movie? Need some help with that?" Okay, now I'm am grossing myself about by writing this. Geez, what I do to entertain you people. Going back to the story. I adamantly say no to taking the DVD. Instead of seeing my discomfort she then asks why I don't want to take it. I was like because I don't want it. And then she insists again for me to take it. So we go back and forth with her offering the movie and me saying no. And I didn't understand why she wanted me to take this movie so badly. Because very easily, she could of just mailed back the DVD to netflix so Mr. Ron Hughes could enjoy enjoy his second tour of America.

Now, lets go back to a few weeks ago. I was home again for a holiday. And my mother hands me a netflix DVD in a light blue envelope. I open it up and again I see Ron Hughes's name and the movie is of course the critically acclaimed "Hand Jobs Across America Vol.2" Apparently Mr. Hughes is determined to get this DVD. Shocked by how this mistake could happen twice, my mother tells me again to take it home. I again say no, go ahead and mail it back. Just like before she refuses to take no as an answer. And its not like my parents are these openly sexual, wild people. My parents are quite the opposite, to be honest I don't even know how me or my sister were conceived. It's very possible that I was somehow adopted and they just refused to tell me. In summary. it makes no sense for my mother to be so adamant about me taking this DVD home. Assuming, I put this DVD debacle to rest. I start packing up some laundry that I did at their house and in the laundry bag at the bottom I see the DVD. I friggin give up!

P.S. North Dakota is an amazing state.

I'm Out!

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