Jonno says "I Do"

Recently the unthinkable happened…A lovely, vivacious and wonderful woman agreed to marry me without bribery, drugs, or physical force. (Wait a second, does a taser gun count as physical force? I think it's debatable.) Even though the wedding was one of the best moments of my life, there were of course some uncomfortable Jonno moments to share with you. 

Wednesday

6am: On my Southwest flight to Nashville, sitting a few rows behind me was the one and only Al Gore. I walk up to him and say, “Is it our rugged good looks or global warming because it’s getting hot on this plane!” Understandably, I didn’t get a response from him.

Noon: After we land in Nashville, Al Gore runs away from me and I find out the delightful news that my connecting flight to Cleveland has been cancelled because of a mechanical issue. I’m now stuck at the Nashville airport for 8 hours until the next flight to Cleveland. So what do I do to kill time? Throw a hissy fit on the phone to my poor fiancée, eat crap at the airport, bother friends and call them, eat more crap at the airport, speak to a Time Warner representative for over two hours and stare at travelers. I finally arrive in Cleveland at 11pm.

Thursday

10am: The lady and I have numerous errands… I decide to wait in the car, while she returns an item at Macys. We had just picked up my fancy white gold wedding ring from the jeweler and I begin to play with it. Being the coordinated gent that I am, I drop the ring and it falls in between my seat and the middle console. Can someone explain to me why is there that space in between the seat and the middle console? Does it serve a purpose other than to break your hand as you try to retrieve your keys, phone or money? As I struggle to get the ring, I quickly see my life flash before my eyes and having to explain why I lost the ring . After ten minutes of frantically searching, I somehow find the ring. The fiancée returns to the car to see me drenched in sweat and disheveled. I tried to blame it on global warming, but Al Gore wasn’t around to back me up. (Get it? That’s what we call in the business a callback joke.)  

For the love of God, just leave me alone.

Friday

7pm: My family and friends attend a scrumptious rehearsal dinner hosted by my parents. Twenty minutes into the dinner, I try to pour my lady some red wine and I spill it all over my khaki pants. For the duration of the dinner, I have to explain to everyone why there is a big wet spot on my pants.

Saturday  (Wedding Day)

9am: Because my soon to be wife is crazy when it comes to races, she drags me into the doing a 5K race the morning of the wedding. After the race, a local news station wants to interview us. Because I'm grumpy for having to wake up early, I decline the interview and for the rest of the wedding all I hear is "How could you pass up a TV interview?"
 
5pm: I’m putting on my tux and having some issues with the bow tie and cufflinks. The only person available to ask for help is my future father-in-law since he was giving me a ride to the wedding. He is gracious enough to assist me and we have a lovely private and intimate moment together. I also have a feeling he's concerned that the man who is supposed to take care of his daughter for the rest of her life can't put on clothes by himself. 

7:30pm: The weather for the ceremony is absolutely gorgeous and I’m about to walk down the aisle with my parents. Walking right before me is the ring bearer. (Fiancee’s 6-year-old nephew) For some unexplained reason, he delivers the ring and decides to walk back and blocks us from walking down the aisle. Under my breath and grinding my teeth, I yell for him to sit down. Instead of sitting in his seat, he plops down right in the middle of the aisle. Lovely.

8pm: The ceremony wraps up and it’s time for me to perform the Jewish tradition of breaking the glass. I’m concerned that I’ll stupidly miss the glass, it won’t break, or that I’ll pull a Larry David and step on the cantor’s hand. God and the Jewish Jesus must have been watching over me because I break the glass (light bulb) in one swoop.   

9pm: During the reception we dance to “The Hora” where my wife and I get lifted up on chairs. For some reason I get lifted up for a few moments early, while my wife doesn’t. Finally she gets lifted up, but the guys that were picking me up are too tired to raise me again. If you’re ever looking to be humbled, then I highly suggest experiencing several men struggling to lift you up in front of 150 people.    

This must be like how every fat kid feels like on a seesaw.

Midnight: After the band finishes, we surprise our guests with some karaoke. I do a horrible rendition of the Foo Fighters "Best of You" that causes complete silence, blank stares and one of my wife's friends to fall asleep. In other words, a typical day for me.     

Sunday

Noon: After a spectacular wedding weekend we say goodbye to everyone at brunch. Before we leave for our honeymoon, we get some words of advice from my mother-in-law. (With a concerned look on her face) “Please be safe. You always hear about those honeymoon murder stories on "Dateline.”  And I don't want you to be one of them."

My mother-in-law is an extremely sweet and intelligent woman, but I don't see a future career for her in motivational speaking. 

     

Excuse me, do you know what time it is?  I do know because it's McNugget time!  

1. After seeing how easy it was to make the locals in St. Lucia laugh during my honeymoon... I'm looking to create a comedy career in St. Lucia, similar to David Hasselhoff's music career in Germany.    

2. My favorite part of jogging is having the opportunity to knock over small children and the elderly.

3. The only torpedoes I cared about in Star Trek into Darkness, were the ones possessed by Alice Eve. Am I right?

4. I recently heard they are going to remake the movie "Weird Science", but unfortunately I have a bad feeling about it. 

It might work better as a horror film.

5. What a fabulous career for Brian Urlacher.  Now he has time to focus on his other career... Getting women pregnant.
 

6. I would be a happy man if my penis and testicles decided to swap sizes.

H.A.K.A.S.

Man Soup

The other weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating my bachelor party in Vegas. Surprisingly, the highlight of the weekend was not the strip clubs, the partying, nor the gambling... It was the hot tub. A.K.A "Man Soup."

To help understand the story a little bit more, here’s a breakdown of some of the key players in the bachelor party crew.

“The Bear”: big and broad, married, very reserved, but can be become more animated when he drinks. 

 BJ: Tall, preppy, married, and not afraid to be cocky.

 Ben: A little goofy, single, laid back, likes to have a good time. (BJ referred to him as a slimmer and better looking version of me. Thanks BJ!) 

It was Saturday morning and we were all recuperating from a night out at some sketchy strip clubs. (One of them had a metal detector at the entrance) The plan was to hang out in the room and make our own screwdrivers. Even though it was 60 degrees outside and fairly chilly, Ben would not stop talking about going to the hot tub. In order to get him to shut the hell up, we waddled down to the hotel hot tub.

As we approached the tub we saw to our chagrin that it was overfilled with about 10 dudes. There was no way this was going to work, so our hot tub dreams and aspirations were over. As we headed back to our room, we encountered Joseph, one of the hotel’s pool staff, who was maybe 18. Joseph saw our despondent expressions and we explained the horrific hot tub situation. With absolutely no hesitation, Joseph empathized with us and nodded, “I gotcha. It was a man soup in there.”

A Man Soup

“Man soup?” Joseph had officially coined one of the greatest phrases I've ever heard. On top of that, he gave us the news that there were indeed more hot tubs on the tenth floor of the hotel. It was at this point we realized Joseph was probably the coolest person in history.

We got to the tenth floor and were relieved to see two ladies around our age in a hot tub. One of the girls wore a bikini top that was a little too small for her chest and the other one had some sort of babushka covering her head. I was curious about the babushka, but I didn't ask because I was concerned she might have some sort of serious illness. Regardless, the four of us hopped into the tub to enjoy a little friendly banter.  

The chesty gal was yapping away with “The Bear” because they both worked in a similar industry. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that her areola popped out of her top. I tried to give my buddies some type of signal, but I didn’t want to get caught by the babushka gal. I also wasn’t sure what the etiquette was for a situation like this. Should I let her know? Or would it just make it more awkward if I said something? And why didn’t the babushka girl say something to help her friend? Was the babushka covering her eyes? For some reason I like saying the word babushka.

Because I didn’t want to get caught looking at the areola or burn a hole through it, I turned my attention to the babushka gal. For some reason BJ and her were in deep conversation about first names. She mentioned her name is Louise and BJ explained he was actually considering that name for his second child. Not even a minute later, the babushka says she has to get going and abruptly leaves the hot tub. Apparently discussing baby names is not the best conversation to have with single girls in a Vegas hot tub. After the babushka gal left, the areola girl promptly followed and our man soup was back into full effect. 

Even though there was a 10 minute limit warning sign for the hot tub, we stayed in there for about 4 hours. We were having an absolute blast getting bombed off of screwdrivers, while having idiotic arguments and completely inane conversations in a hot tub. As time went on, we had different people rotating in and out of our tub as if it were a talk show. Here were some of the highlights...

•          “The Bear” flexing his muscles multiple times for no apparent reason
•          Three soccer girls; one looked liked she had herpes around her mouth and of course I couldn’t keep myself from staring at it
•          The four of us talking about how much fun we were having
•          Two different older dads joining us; one of them sat in the corner silently while he  creepily smiled (Maybe at "The Bear’s" muscles)  
•          Talking again about how much fun we were having
•          “The Bear” falling asleep in the hot tub and me kindly holding him up so he wouldn’t drown
•         Me urinating in the hot tub because I was too drunk/lazy to get out and walk to the bathroom

After the hot tub, we all stumbled back to the hotel room and passed out  for a couple of hours. "The Bear" ended up sleeping even longer because he is a bear and needed to hibernate. My buddies Mikey and Oleg joined us later that evening for another night of sketchy strip clubs. It was a great weekend overall and now that I have fully experienced a "Man Soup," I feel more ready than ever to marry Joseph. Excuse me... I mean Robyn.   

Strap on your seat belt ladies and gentleman! Because it’s time for a 6-Piece McNugget!

1.During the bachelor party, I was getting a friendly dance from a stripper. I wasn't exactly sure where to put my hands since I'm a happily engaged man, so I lightly touched her back. The stripper turns around and yells at me. "Who the hell are you? The Karate Kid?" 

2. Speaking of classic movies, the scene in "Jurassic Park" where Newman gets killed by the spitting dinosaur still frightens me.  

3.Whenever I see someone with a tattoo I assume they can beat my ass. (Actually, most people can)

4. Let’s be honest with each other… I know I'm not the only one dancing at home in my underwear to Justin Timberlake’s song “Mirrors.” Or am I?

I think it's time I bought some new underwear and a better fan.

5. Speaking of portly people, I'm beginning to think Rebel Wilson is really Taylor Swift in a fat suit. The Australian accent is just a cover. 

        6. The bragging and self-promotion on Facebook is really getting out of hand. Folks, can we try to limit it a little bit? (P.S. When you have a chance please like this blog post, like my new hand modeling FB page and please RSVP on FB to my one man show "My Life is So Good!")  

H.A.K.A.S  

Jonno the Cable Guy

Don't you just love those Saturday nights when you’re curled up on the couch and relaxing with your significant other? I do too and thanks for asking. But during a recent Saturday night, I found myself a little distracted when I heard my elderly neighbors yelling outside of their home. 
 

Being the caring and courageousness neighbor that I am, I went outside to make sure everything was okay. They divulge to me the disastrous news that their TV isn't working and that they need assistance. Seriously? This is the reason why you're screaming at the top of your lungs just outside my door? And another thing... Why am I the only neighbor that seems to care about the elderly couple's well-being? As always, too many questions and too few answers.

To help you get a better idea of this lovely elderly couple, here are a few nuggets about them… (Please note: Do not confuse these with my scrumptious McNugget section)

• They’re Greek and speak very little English
• The husband is in his 90’s and his wife in his 80s
• They have a care taker, but she leaves around dinner time
• And for the big whammy… They are Holocaust Survivors 

(I'll wait a few moments for the awkward silence to die down.)

As I entered their home I could hear the TV, but the picture was not working properly. I tried several tactics with the remote and I couldn’t get it to work. I was out of ideas. I turned to the elderly couple and broke the news to them that there was nothing else I could do. They looked devastated and I felt like I had let them down.

The elderly woman asked me if I would call the cable company. All I could think was “Oh no.” I immediately pictured myself spending my whole Saturday night on the phone with the cable company while the elderly couple yelled at me in Greek. I didn’t know how to respond, so I apologized for not being able to help them. She then asked again, but fortunately her husband intervened and thanked me for trying.

I waddled back to my apartment with this horrible and unsettling feeling. All I could think was how could I let down Holocaust Survivors? These people suffered hundreds of times more than I ever will in my lifetime. So why couldn’t I suffer one Saturday night away? In a way, I felt like Liam Neeson during his climatic scene in “Schindler’s List”... 

I could have done more!

I went back to the elderly couple’s home and this time I brought my fiancee with me for moral support. When I walked in their faces lit up as if I were some type of super hero. I looked them deep in their eyes and told them “I’m not leaving until this friggin TV gets fixed.”

I got on the phone and called their cable company. Within a few minutes into the call, the TV suddenly worked. Apparently, my fiancee had the bright idea to push the power button on the digital box. I’m not sure why exactly I never thought to do that, but nonetheless the elderly couple enjoyed "Jeopardy" at a very high volume level.

Even though the mission was accomplished, I still felt like I could have done more. Did they need help with their dial-up internet? Or how about changing any light bulbs? What about opening a jar of kosher pickles?

Did you hear that delicious sound? It’s six juicy McNuggets coming your way…

1. Is there anyway I can see the new “Die Hard” movie with just the scenes involving the hot chick on the motorcycle?     
 

2. You’re probably not making a good impression at your new job, when someone asks you to remove programs from an old computer and you then attempt to physically open the computer “Zoolander” style.
 
3. Since it was recently Doppelganger week, I’ve decided to join in the fun and share the one celebrity I constantly get compared to… 
   

Okay, maybe I have a few more freckles, but do you see the resemblance?

4. To help solve the table clogging issue at coffee establishments, they should hire someone to yell out every hour... "Your screenplay stinks! Move on with your life already!"

5. You know you're moving up in the world, when Wayne Gretzky's daughter blocks you on Twitter.
 
6. Very excited for my audition tomorrow for the role of Mr. Small in "The Carrie Diaries." Keep your fingers crossed for for me! 

H.A.K.A.S

The Mysterious Valet Idiot

The lady and I were staying at a hotel in LA for a night and the only option for parking was to valet. I got out of my car and handed my keys over to a gentleman. I did not see his face nor did I get his name, but I trusted that he would handle my Prius with good care. Little did I know, I was dealing with the mysterious valet idiot.

The next morning I gave my ticket stub to the valet attendant to retrieve my car. There were two people in front of me and they received their cars. Conventional wisdom would have me think I was next. Not so fast big mama… The person behind me got their car… Then the person after them… And then a third person… At this point I began to worry that the lady and I had somehow transformed into invisible people.  

We strolled up to the valet attendant to inquire about the car. The valet attendant said he can't find our ticket stub, despite the fact that I gave it to him ten minutes ago. He then asked what kind of car it was and I described my car. The valet attendant looked through his book and told us they have no record of that car. What the heck is going on here? Either I'm on an episode of "The Twilight Zone" or one of the valet dudes pulled a “Ferris Bueller” and is having a joy ride in my car all over LA. 

If you're having this much fun driving a Prius, something is seriously wrong.

The valet attendant goes to the garage to look for my car. He came back to reveal the delightful news that my car won’t start. Is every valet person at this hotel mentally challenged? I mean how long was he planning to wait to tell me this information? Maybe he was hoping I had some form of amnesia or was going to drop dead in the next hour. Then everything would work out absolutely fine and he would never have to return the car back to me.  

I couldn’t understand why the car wouldn’t start. The only other time this happened was when I didn’t close my trunk all the way and the battery died. I then went to go see my car and figure out what the issue was. As I approached the car, I saw the hood open with an Asian valet dude watching an instructional video on his iPhone on how to jump-start a Prius. Just great, he’s probably going to do something wrong and mess up the car even more. It also didn’t help that I’m a complete moron when it comes to cars and couldn't offer any assistance. 

I now had a tough decision to make... Do I have the Asian valet dude try to jump-start himself and risk further damage? Or do I call Triple AAA and wait another 30 minutes to an hour to have them do it? I felt like I was dealing with a “Sophie’s Choice” dilemma… Okay maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I’m a horribly indecisive person. Fortunately, my lady stepped in and suggested to have the valet guy try to do it. The Asian valet dude does his thang and miraculously the car starts. Thank the heavens!

I asked for his opinion as to why my car didn’t start. He responds with, “Probably from the cold weather. It's been happening all the time.” Cold weather? It’s 50 degrees outside and my car was in Chicago for two years! For a second there I actually believed him, until my retardo detective skills kicked in and I realized the mysterious valet idiot from the night before left my keys in the ignition and drained the battery.  

Why in the world would he do that? The Prius has been around for over ten years and everyone in LA drives one. Was I the first Prius customer for the mysterious valet idiot? Was the mysterious valet idiot even an actual valet employee? So many questions, so little answers!

Despite the unpleasant experience and 45 minute wait, I at least got out of the $20 to pay for valet parking. And do you know what Jewish people like myself call that? A victory. So in your face mysterious valet idiot! (Do people still even say "In your face?") 

Do you smell that? No, I didn't footsie. It’s a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I'm convinced Brian Austin Green has hypnotized Megan Fox to make her think we are actually in the year 1992. Somebody needs to rescue her. 

2. I really enjoyed everyone getting off work for the holidays. It felt like the whole world was being lazy with me. We should all do that more often. Call me. 

3. "Jack Reacher" was such a bad movie, I would have rather gotten a reach around from Tom Cruise.

4. Speaking of movies... Thank you trailer for "Mama" for scaring me so much that I accidentally hit myself in the face with my remote while trying to quickly change the channel. 

I can't wait for the sequel "Dadda."

5. If the point of Twitter is to get porn star spam accounts to follow you then consider me Miles Davis. ("Billy Madsion" reference) P.S. you call follow me @awkwardjonno

6. My 2013 New Years resolution was to increase my penis size and decrease my bra size... So far I'm off to a rough start. 

H.A.K.A.S.

Harold, Kumar and Jonno go to Subway

It was a Friday afternoon at 2:30pm and I was starving. I had barely eaten breakfast and was too busy with appointments/errands to have eaten lunch. I was determined to get Subway because the previous night I saw a Subway commercial about celebrating customer appreciation month. During this special month, Subway was offering their 6-inch meatball and a cold cut combo subs for $2 a piece. Even though I have no idea if they use actual meatballs or what a cold cut combo is, a $4 meal was too good to pass up for a cheap fat kid such as myself.

Because I live in LA I drove around for a good 15-20 minutes tying to find a parking spot. I finally found a spot that was a bit of a hike from Subway, but I was too hungry to care. As I waddled over to Subway, I could see the glorious sign with the mustard yellow colors. (Hmm… Mustard…) Right as I approach the door, I hear somebody yell out to me “Are you Jewish?”

I turned around to see two young Jewish Orthodox men in their early 20s. Now this question is bit of a tough dilemma here. I mean, yes I am Jewish and more than willing to admit it as long as I’m not surrounded by Mel Gibson and the Aryan Nation.

At the same time, I knew if I answered "yes" there was going to be follow-up questions that would lead to prolonging my Subway consumption. A part of me wanted to say no, but then of course the Jewish guilt kicked in and all I could think was the bad karma that comes from denying your own religion. As most of you know from reading this blog, I already have enough bad luck as it is and can’t really handle anymore.

I then reply “yes” to the young Jewish Orthodox male. He asks, "Have you ever done Tefillin before?” What the heck is going on here? Are we playing a game of 20 Questions: Jewish annoying edition?

Jewish lesson of the day: Tefillin are a set of small black leather boxes containing scrolls of parchment inscribed with verses from the Torah and are worn by observant Jews during weekday morning prayers. (Source: Wikipedia because I also have no idea what it is.)  

I answer truthfully and tell them “no”, but before I can even explain to them I’m in a bit of rush and desperately hungry… The two young Orthodox men practically tackle me, place a yarmulke on my head and wrap this leather strap on my arm. They then have me repeat a Jewish prayer as all of this is going on. 

Let me remind you this is taking place on Beverly Dr., one of the busiest streets in Beverly Hills. So I am getting several stares and odd looks from people. I’m not exactly sure why the two Orthodox young men couldn’t have found a more secluded place like where most rapes and muggings occur.

They then place the Tefillin on my head (small leather box) and have me recite another prayer. At this point, I’m ready scream and convert to becoming a Muslim. I mean how much longer was this going to take? Subway was calling my name and it was customer appreciation month! And it was about God damn time I got appreciated! 

Finally the Tefillin prayer comes to an end and the Orthodox young men were filled with joy to share this religious experience with me. I also could not be happier because I finally have a chance to sink my teeth into a meatball sub. Not so fast… The Orthodox young men wanted to take a picture with me. At this point, I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher or some lame ass celebrity to tell me I’ve been “Punked.”  

The two of us will be naked and just wearing Tefillin on the cover of next month's issue of "PlayJew"

I must say I was extremely moved from my first Tefillin experience and felt closer to God. Unfortunately, I was not moved enough because 30 seconds later I inhaled a meatball and cold cut combo sub which are both non-kosher according to Jewish dietary rules. Sorry God, but food comes first. 

Speaking of more delicious non-kosher food, how about a 6-piece McNugget?

1. Whoever created the scrumptious Trader Joes guacamole made out of Greek yogurt (50% less fat) deserves to be put on Jonno’s Mount Rushmore with Jim Henson, the first pair of large breasts and Dave Grohl. 

2. To the person that stole my North Face jacket at the bowling alley, I hope you enjoy the 10 years of very little career success and lack of women I had from wearing it.

3. When the highlight of your week is watching "The Real Word Challenge", you might have taken some wrong turns in your life.  

4. Somehow the movie “Face-Off” was the best movie when I was 16 years old, but has now turned into the worst movie at 31 years old.

If they ever made a sequel, "Toupee/Off" would be an appropriate title.

 5. My top three distractions to writing…

•  Facebook/Twitter
•  Masturbation
•  Guilt of masturbation

6. Remember this day in history because it is this many days after 12/12/12. I seriously think all of us need to get a life. Including me.   

H.A.K.A.S.  

Home Improvement

Look people, I’m aware I have many flaws. One of my most frustrating weaknesses is that I’m the least handy person in the world. Maybe I’m too dumb? Too uncoordinated? Too Jewish? Whatever the case is, I just don’t have a brain for it. 

Whenever a small thing goes wrong in my apartment, I have to call my landlord’s son, Mario, to fix it. He’s in his early 50s, a good guy and appreciates me as a loyal tenant. But I can tell he’s starting to get annoyed that I’m bothering him for the most mundane issues. For example, a few weeks ago my towel rack fell off in the bathroom and I had to call him to fix it. After that incident I was hoping nothing else would fall apart in the next few months to save whatever dignity I had left.

Unfortunately, my wish did not come true and the the light went out in the kitchen. Now this would normally not be a big deal because changing light bulbs is one of the few things I can actually do. The issue is that the light bulbs in the kitchen are enclosed in a glass circular bowl that can be difficult to get off. At least for me…

Last year the lights went out in another room that had the same glass bowl. I tried to be proactive and remove the glass bowl myself and ended up taking down the whole light fixture and wires were left dangling from the ceiling. Given that experience, I was a bit timid to change the kitchen lights. At the same time, I was also hesitant to call Mario and bother him. I have this inkling that whenever he sees my name pop up on his caller ID he shouts out obscenities.

I get on my little step stool to take down off the glass bowl and wasn’t having much luck. If I went any further I could tell the same thing was going to happen. With no other choice I called Mario and this is how it went down…

Me: (Cheery) Hey Mario, how’s it going? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

Mario: (A bit gloomy) It was fine. Thanks.

Me: That’s good. I’m sorry to bother you, but the lights went out in the kitchen and if you remember last time I had some trouble with that same light by the bathroom. There’s no rush though, just whenever you’re visiting your parents again.

Mario: I’ll take care of it. Thanks. 

I could tell Mario was irritated by me. It gave me the same unsettling feeling you get when a parent is disappointed in you. I wanted to prove to Mario that I wasn’t a sissy little bitch and was able to change my own light bulbs even if they were enclosed in some random glass bowl.

I got back on the step stool to face the behemoth. I felt like a hunter going into a African jungle to murder his first lion or whatever it is they kill. Underneath the glass bowl was a tiny little screw. The few brain particles I do have helped me realize that the screw could be the pathway to the light bulbs. 

I turned it to the left because I'll never forget when I was younger my dad yelling at me "Left is to loosen for God's sake!" So I turned it a few times... And a little more... My instincts kick in and tell me to turn the glass bowl simultaneously as I'm turning the screw...  And then BOOM! The glass bowl comes off and I belt out a thunderous scream. 

 It felt like I had just won a gold medal in the Olympics. Alright, maybe more like the Special Olympics. In any case, here is the end result... 

How would you like to wake up to this face every morning?

If there is anything I took away from this experience, besides that I'm borderline mentally challenged... It's that you need to attack your obstacles, not avoid them. Because there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Get it? Because you know I replaced the... Okay, I'll stop.

It's the holidays and I'm in the giving mood... So how about a 12-piece McNugget?  

1. I saw the film “Silver Linings Playbook” all I could think was… “God, I bet Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence banged a lot on the set.” 

2. Speaking of hooking up... How come the opposite sex puts more clothes on me instead of taking them off?   

3. God, I’m so way behind on my leftovers… I just finished Thanksgiving 2009.  

4.  Speaking of Thanksgiving eating... After trying on my jeans recently, I feel like I could probably star as Shakira’s body double in “These Hips Don’t Lie” music video. 

5.  In Phillip Seymour Hoffman's next movie, he should just yell and scream for 90 minutes. I would totally go see that. 

Loud Noises!

6. It should be mandatory to give somebody a virus on their computer when they post on Facebook “Life is Good.”

7. Another reason to get a virus on your computer… Is if you’re still posting wedding photos on Facebook a year after the actual wedding. 

8.Twitter is very similar to the vagina... No matter how much I play with it, I'll never fully understand it. 

9. After seeing that ABC's Friday night line-up consists of shows starring Tim Allen and Reba McIntyre… I feel like their advertising slogan should be “We’ll make you feel like you’re reliving the 90s”

10. Bruno Mars “Locked Out of Heaven” is one of those songs I totally love now, but will despise in three months. (A.K.A. “Some Nights” by Fun)

11. "Two and a Half Men" should enlist Angus T. Jones into a scared straight program where  he goes to "Sesame Street" and hangs out with Elmo for a week.
  
12. I don’t know about you guys, but this has been the most exciting NHL season in history.

H.A.K.A.S

Finding Love at the Coffee Bean

Throughout our history bars, clubs, parties and other social spots have been the typical places to pick-up on women. Another place you can now add to that list is the Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. Why you may ask?   

The other day I was working on some writing at this establishment. To my right I noticed this Israeli gentleman with a thick accent hitting on these two WASPy women who were taking a coffee break from their catering gig. Given that I have the tendency to be a bit nosy like a Yenta, I took off my headphones to watch this gentleman work his magic. 

Jonno at the Coffee Bean

To my dismay it was more painful to watch than it was enjoyable. The girls did not seem overly responsive to his random questions. One of the girls at least acknowledged his existence so he began to focus on her. As she was getting ready to leave he asked for her digits, but she asked for his number instead. In other words, the Israeli gentleman will never hear from this girl again.

Despite the rejection, I was in awe of his persistence and dedication. Twenty minutes later I noticed him chatting it up with a blonde outside on the patio. I knew at that moment, I had to introduce myself and learn this man’s life story. Unfortunately, since I have a penis he refused to talk to me.

A few days ago at the same Coffee Bean, I witnessed a similar interaction that blew my mind. It was so good that I decided to transcribe it for you in screenplay format.           

INT. COFFEE BEAN – DAY

An ATTRACTIVE GIRL, early 20s, puts sugar into her coffee. A PREPPY DUDE, late 30s, walks up to her and makes a little small talk. They share a laugh.

PREPPY DUDE: So what brings you here?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh, I’m just meeting with a friend of mine.

PREPPY DUDE: That’s cool. Very cool.

Awkward silence.

PREPPY DUDE: You know you should come to this party I’m having this weekend. It’s actually a charity party. (Question: Do charity parties even exist?)  

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh… Okay.

PREPPY DUDE: Here, I’ll give you my number and you can text me yours back. 

Preppy Dude forcefully tells the girl his digits as she types it into her phone.

PREPPY DUDE: Cool. It should definitely be a good time.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Sounds good.

PREPPY DUDE: By the way, how old are you?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: 17.

Preppy Dude’s calm look turns to shock.

PREPPY DUDE: Oh God, don’t call me. Yeah really, don’t call me.    

Preppy Dude embarrassingly walks away, while Jonno bursts out in laughter. 

END OF SCENE

You know what time it is? I think you know... Because it's time for a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I find it alarming that our country’s biggest issue is being ignored in these presidential debates… How to stop our parents from joining social media sites.  

2. Speaking of these debates, does the fact that I still own a trapper keeper of grade school female crushes make me a viable candidate for the 2016 presidential election?

3. Ben Affleck did such an outstanding job with “Argo” I feel I owe it to him to sit through “Gigli."

4. My favorite part of Taylor’s Swift’s new song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is that it reinforces I still have a chance with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So you're saying there's a chance...

5. Whenever I fly Virgin Airlines, I feel like I've just been cast in a 70s porn film.   

6. If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to trick her into thinking that's after she turns 17 her age stays the same for rest of her life.


H.A.K.A.S

When Jonno Met Kimmel

Recently the lady and I attended a foodie charity function at Culver Studios. The event featured some of the top chefs in the country and was for a great cause, Alex’s Lemonade Stand.  When I first heard about the ticket price for the event, I practically fainted. Then I read a little more about it and saw that my idol Jimmy Kimmel was the emcee for the festivities. I rationalized the price and told myself it would ultimately benefit both of us from a networking perspective and if money was an issue I could always go back to stripping on the weekends. (I just hope the Jewish retirement home will take me back after the last incident.)  

At the event I saw Kimmel right away and his producer friend. Ironically, I was interviewing with his producer friend the following week. Bonus! I waddled up to his friend and quickly introduced myself. I then gave them their space because I was hopeful there would be another opportunity with Kimmel later in the day. 

The food at the event was phenomenal. The best part was that you didn’t have to wait in long lines for the tastings. At the same time maybe this wasn’t such a good thing, because after 45 minutes of stuffing my face in the heat, I felt extremely sick. To read more about the scrumptious food at the event, check out my lady’s blog here.

The item that put me over the top was “Top Chef “season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio’s dish. He made a breaded chicken dish served in oyster shells on top of a bed of salt rocks. When I took a bite some of the salt rocks stuck to the chicken. Being the idiot that I am, I figured the salt rocks were part of the dish and ate two of them. Remember doing beer bongs in college? Well I felt like I had just done a salt water bong and immediately turned green and thought I was going to vomit. Fortunately, my inner fat kid called me a "puss" and I powered through by eating a fried chicken leg and some desserts.

Some of the other celebs at the event were Laura Dern, Jason Ritter, Lena Dunham, Allison Williams (Brian William’s daughter), Timothy Olyphant, Phil Rosenthal (Creator of “Every Loves Raymond”), Jim O’Heir (Jerry from “Parks and Recreation”), Harold Perrineau (Michael from “Lost”) and musician Michelle Branch. I chatted with Jason Ritter a little bit and he was an extremely down-to-earth guy and Jim O’Heir could not have been friendlier or sweatier.

When I spoke with Lena Dunham, I attempted to impress her with my witty sense of humor.

Jonno awkwardly taps Lena Dunham on the shoulder.

Jonno: I just have to say as a 31-year-old Jewish male, I can’t thank you enough for empowering women and helping them embrace their sexuality.

Crickets. Lena Dunham stares at Jonno blankly.

Lena Dunham: Oh, thanks.

Despite bombing horribly in front of her, she was still gracious enough to take a picture with me.

Promoting getting peed on in the shower awareness

Later in the day, I saw my opportunity to chat with the one and only, Jimmy Kimmel. After I introduced myself, I said something overly cliché to him about being a fan. He was able to recognize me right away from earlier in the morning and started laughing.

“You better run for the hills” said Kimmel. “Run as far away possible.”

Kimmel was referring to his producer friend, who I guess has the reputation of being a little demanding. I can’t remember exactly what I replied because it was such a surreal experience. I watch Kimmel every night on television and here I was sharing a laugh with him. The best part about him is that he has the same charismatic personality that he displays on television. Unbeknownst to me the lady was wise enough to take the perfect action shot as I was talking to him.

Love at first sight

Despite the ridiculously priced ticket, the scorching heat, and that fact that I almost overdosed on salt, I am extremely pleased to have attended the event and am looking forward to heading back next year. Now if I can only figure out how to deal with the restraining order Kimmel has against me... 

Do you smell what I smell? Oh yeah, it’s a 6-piece McNugget:

 

1. I don’t know if you heard the news already, but I have been cast to star opposite Larry David in “Looper 2: Oy! How dare you double-dip my chip!”

2. Speaking of Seinfeld, I recently saw Jason Alexander when he hosted an event at the Hollywood Bowl and was very upset to see this…

George Costanza having hair is equivalent to Bill Cosby changing his pigment to become white.

3. I'm beginning to question my masculinity after I walked by a squirrel the other day and it didn't run away or even flinch. All it did was laugh and throw a pine cone at me.

4. The second my parents tell me they have their own web series, I'm going to drive off a cliff Thelma & Louise style. 

5. I’m really bummed about how my lemonade stand is struggling. Apparently nobody wants to buy the goods from a 31-year-old male who isn’t wearing pants.

6. Can we please stop with the horribly scary movie trailers whenever I see a rated-R film in the theaters? The price of the ticket is expensive enough, so the last thing I need to do is buy new pants after soiling myself. (See the above nugget for more proof). 

H.A.K.A.S

Remembering 9/11

Given this week is the 11^th anniversary of 9/11 I thought I would share a story of how I first heard the tragic news. 

It was the beginning of my junior year at Indiana University. Over the summer I had made an effort to lift weights and get a little leaner in an attempt to lure the ladies. There was this girl I was smitten with in my 9:30am Telecom class. I had met her the year before working on a group project together and wanted to ask her out. 

Since I was a bit of timid wuss, I figured I would wait a little bit and develop more of a rapport with her.  Good thinking Jonno, wait for something to develop while you’re in the one time in your life where girls are exploring their sexuality and have low morals. 

Jonno's college sex life

It was Tuesday, September 11, 2001 and Jonno was going to make his move. I had an 8am class, followed by my 9:30am Telecom class with the gal. (Brilliant scheduling by me)

In the 8am class, nobody knew anything about the attacks even though the first tower had already been hit. 

I waddled to my 9:30 class and got myself mentally prepared to ask my crush out. I walked into class and saw my teacher sitting down with other classmates glued to the room’s television. There was dead silence as they watched the live coverage on NBC. I could tell it was a bad situation, but at that point, I didn’t fully know the severity of it. A few moments later, the girl sits down next to me and also focuses on the television.

In hindsight, I realize how ignorant this was of me, but I was completely focused on asking her out. For some reason I had it in my head that this was the moment to do it. As she watched the news, she began to freak out a little bit. Most of the people were watching it quietly, but she kept on repeating, “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

At this point I knew there was no way possible I could make a move. I mean, even John Mayer would throw in the towel in a situation like this. Plus, it wasn’t like I would never see her again. I figured I would just take care of business the next week.

Well that never happened, because I never saw her again. She apparently dropped out the class or stopped going. Jonno had lost his opportunity.

Fortunately I don’t have to blame the terrorists for my love life because I have a wonderful 

woman by my side. But, if there is anything to take away from this story, it’s that you should go after every opportunity in life because you never know how long it will last.  (Also, try and hook up as much as you can in college.) 

How about we turn it up a notch for a 9-piece McNugget!

1) I was playing flag football the other day and ten minutes into the game this gentleman steps in a mud puddle and it splatters all over my face to make me look like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart.” I really should just stick to fantasy football.

2) Speaking of fantasy football, if I could go back in time the first thing I would do is re-draft my fantasy team.

3)  When I look back at the career of Michael Clarke Duncan, I realize the movie "A Night at the Roxbury" would not have been the same without his role as bouncer #1.

4) Why is it whenever I listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast, I feel like he is trying to seduce me?  

5) Whenever I see a dude open a car door for his woman, I immediately assume he has not had intercourse with her.

6) When I was teaching my parents how to copy and paste on the computer, it felt like I was teaching a chimp how to do sign language. 

This probably would have been a lot easier and more enjoyable.

7) One of the positives to summer ending is that I won't have to use my excuse of being allergic to the sun for wearing a t-shirt at pool and beach parties. 

8)  If I'm talking to somebody at a party and they use the word "equity", I will immediately tune out of the conversation.

9) Party Tip: If you're bringing boneless buffalo wings to a party, it's not the best idea to eat five of them in your car without drinking anything. Or else you’ll have the hiccups for the duration of the party and receive odd looks from people.    

H.A.K.A.S.