Tuesday, January 08, 2013

The Mysterious Valet Idiot

The lady and I were staying at a hotel in LA for a night and the only option for parking was to valet. I got out of my car and handed my keys over to a gentleman. I did not see his face nor did I get his name, but I trusted that he would handle my Prius with good care. Little did I know, I was dealing with the mysterious valet idiot.

The next morning I gave my ticket stub to the valet attendant to retrieve my car. There were two people in front of me and they received their cars. Conventional wisdom would have me think I was next. Not so fast big mama… The person behind me got their car… Then the person after them… And then a third person… At this point I began to worry that the lady and I had somehow transformed into invisible people.  

We strolled up to the valet attendant to inquire about the car. The valet attendant said he can't find our ticket stub, despite the fact that I gave it to him ten minutes ago. He then asked what kind of car it was and I described my car. The valet attendant looked through his book and told us they have no record of that car. What the heck is going on here? Either I'm on an episode of "The Twilight Zone" or one of the valet dudes pulled a “Ferris Bueller” and is having a joy ride in my car all over LA. 

If you're having this much fun driving a Prius, something is seriously wrong.

The valet attendant goes to the garage to look for my car. He came back to reveal the delightful news that my car won’t start. Is every valet person at this hotel mentally challenged? I mean how long was he planning to wait to tell me this information? Maybe he was hoping I had some form of amnesia or was going to drop dead in the next hour. Then everything would work out absolutely fine and he would never have to return the car back to me.  

I couldn’t understand why the car wouldn’t start. The only other time this happened was when I didn’t close my trunk all the way and the battery died. I then went to go see my car and figure out what the issue was. As I approached the car, I saw the hood open with an Asian valet dude watching an instructional video on his iPhone on how to jump-start a Prius. Just great, he’s probably going to do something wrong and mess up the car even more. It also didn’t help that I’m a complete moron when it comes to cars and couldn't offer any assistance. 

I now had a tough decision to make... Do I have the Asian valet dude try to jump-start himself and risk further damage? Or do I call Triple AAA and wait another 30 minutes to an hour to have them do it? I felt like I was dealing with a “Sophie’s Choice” dilemma… Okay maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I’m a horribly indecisive person. Fortunately, my lady stepped in and suggested to have the valet guy try to do it. The Asian valet dude does his thang and miraculously the car starts. Thank the heavens!

I asked for his opinion as to why my car didn’t start. He responds with, “Probably from the cold weather. It's been happening all the time.” Cold weather? It’s 50 degrees outside and my car was in Chicago for two years! For a second there I actually believed him, until my retardo detective skills kicked in and I realized the mysterious valet idiot from the night before left my keys in the ignition and drained the battery.  

Why in the world would he do that? The Prius has been around for over ten years and everyone in LA drives one. Was I the first Prius customer for the mysterious valet idiot? Was the mysterious valet idiot even an actual valet employee? So many questions, so little answers!

Despite the unpleasant experience and 45 minute wait, I at least got out of the $20 to pay for valet parking. And do you know what Jewish people like myself call that? A victory. So in your face mysterious valet idiot! (Do people still even say "In your face?") 

Do you smell that? No, I didn't footsie. It’s a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I'm convinced Brian Austin Green has hypnotized Megan Fox to make her think we are actually in the year 1992. Somebody needs to rescue her. 

2. I really enjoyed everyone getting off work for the holidays. It felt like the whole world was being lazy with me. We should all do that more often. Call me. 

3. "Jack Reacher" was such a bad movie, I would have rather gotten a reach around from Tom Cruise.

4. Speaking of movies... Thank you trailer for "Mama" for scaring me so much that I accidentally hit myself in the face with my remote while trying to quickly change the channel. 

I can't wait for the sequel "Dadda."

5. If the point of Twitter is to get porn star spam accounts to follow you then consider me Miles Davis. ("Billy Madsion" reference) P.S. you call follow me @awkwardjonno

6. My 2013 New Years resolution was to increase my penis size and decrease my bra size... So far I'm off to a rough start. 


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