Two and a Half Awkward Men

The nice thing about LA is that you never know who you might run into. This past Labor Day the GF and I saw an awfully skinny Jonah Hill at a grocery store in Santa Monica; I gotta admit I liked him better pudgy. Earlier that day, I ran into another powerful individual in the entertainment industry at this brunch spot called Blue Plate.

I had never been to this restaurant and when I walked in, it didn’t give off the best vibe. There was a bit of a wait for the table and the staff wasn’t the friendliest; I don’t ask for much from a host or hostess except for a little pleasantry. This particular hostess reacted as if I was asking her to be the mother of my child, when all I’d done was give her my name to add to their waiting list.

Despite my baby face, I can sometimes act like an elderly Jewish man, so I tell my GF that we should go somewhere else where they will respect our business. After walking down the block, there weren’t too many other options we reluctantly did the walk of shame back to the restaurant. When I was reunited with the lovely and cheery hostess, she let me know how upset she was I hadn’t materialized when she called my name. After stumbling over some lame excuse as to my whereabouts she finally sat us down at a table in the back. 

About half-way through our meal, I noticed a gentleman in his 50s walk in with an attractive woman. Even though he was wearing sunglasses, I immediately thought he looked familiar and told the GF this new customer was indeed Chuck Lorre. For all you readers who are too cool to watch television, Mr. Lorre is probably the most powerful man in TV today. He has created hit shows such as “Two and a Half Men”, “Big Bang Theory” and many other successful ones that are in syndication. 

Chuck Lorre (Jonno's future boss)

 

Not many people would recognize Chuck Lorre, but given that my passion in life is comedy TV writing (and the fact that I religiously study the medium) I knew it was him. Our table was towards the back of the restaurant and near the bathroom. A few minutes later, Mr. Lorre walked past our table to use the facilities. As if by an act of God, at that same moment, I too had to use the little boys’ room. (Although my situation was a bit more serious) Because the bathroom was a tiny, one-person facility there was unfortunately no opportunity for me to challenge Mr. Lorre to a sword fight. (Regardless, I probably would have lost) 

The GF encouraged me to approach Mr. Lorre when he exited the bathroom. At first I told her I didn’t think it was the best idea, but then in so many words she told me to grow a pair and just do it. In order to protect my manhood and integrity (which I feel like I have to defend on a daily basis) I obliged. Right as I approached the bathroom, Mr. Lorre walked out. It happened so quickly that I wasn’t properly prepared to say anything. Plus, I didn’t think it was the best location to have a conversation, since the restroom was practically located in the middle of the kitchen.

After we paid the check and were ready to leave, I saw my next chance.  A person in my situation doesn’t get many opportunities like this, so I knew I couldn’t leave without talking to Mr. Lorre. Upon leaving the restaurant I decided to take my chance and walked up to him, nervously to say:

“I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I just wanted to let you know I’ve always been a big fan of your work and I wish you the best of luck for this upcoming season.” 

I purposely kept it short and sweet. If he gave me a cold response, I could walk out and be content. That did not happen. Mr. Lorre was extremely friendly and seemed flattered by my comment.

“Thank you very much. What’s your name?” replied Mr. Lorre. 

I had nervously mumbled my name way too quickly, he asked me to spell it out for him. (Or get a translator) Since he gave me a warm reception, I decided to pull out a little Jonno banter and say:

“By the way, if you’re looking for another writer for one of your shows feel free to let me know.”

At this point I knew it would be a good time to give him my business card and lucky for me the GF was holding my wallet ready with the card to give him. Mr. Lorre studies the card very closely.

“It says comedy writer. I like that,” said Mr. Lorre. 

I then brought up a mutual friend and he sarcastically told me that knowing him was a strike against me. As George Costanza taught me, it’s always essential to go out while you’re on top. I took that as my key and gave my goodbyes.

Even though I realize the chance of Mr. Lorre actually reading this blog are the same as me becoming a shirtless Abercrombie model, I would like to thank him for being a genuine human being and I look forward to working with him in the future. (Even if “working with him” means becoming his butler)   

H.A.K.A.S

The Price of Being Tall

People may say being tall has its advantages, but I tend to disagree. Here are two examples to help prove my case.

-I was at the grocery store in the refrigerated section and this old lady asks me if I can help her get some yogurt because she could not reach it. Now, this is not the first time this has happened. I’ve been at Walgreens or CVS and have helped other shorter customers reach for things. I’m starting to think these convenience stores should start compensating me for all the hard work I whore out. Any way, I help the older woman with getting the yogurt and grab about three or four of them.

“Thank you! Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. Thank you!” she says.

One thank you would have been enough, the extra gratitude just made it uncomfortable. I then go back to my cart and resume shopping, assuming my nice deed has been completed. Not so fast. I then hear…

“I’m sorry, but could you get me some more?”

Really? This time I’m not as bubbly and I grab her a few more yogurts.

“I’m sorry, but can you get some more?”  

I get a few more.

“Actually, can you just give me all of them?”

I’m thinking what the hell lady? Are you planning for the Apocalypse to happen or something? The last time I checked yogurt is not like gold or oil. I literally spent a good few minutes grabbing all of the yogurts and ended up putting 30 in her cart. I strongly debated chucking the last one at her head, but decided against it.

For now on, I’m just going to put my knees in my shoes and walk around like a dwarf in public. 

Nobody would ask this guy to grab yogurt.

-Whenever I go to a movie or any other type of event,  I prefer to sit in the aisle seat. As you can tell from the previous entry, I’m a taller, strapping, quasi-young individual who prefers my leg space. I also might be a little claustrophobic and don’t like being crammed in between two people. So I went to go see a comedy show at The Groundlings with a friend and there was an usher there who sat us. The usher takes us to a row where the first five seats are available, including the aisle seat.

Politely, I ask the usher guy if I could please sit in the aisle seat.

“No. They’re not available,” he says.

I felt the response was a bit odd, but I obeyed what he said and sat in the middle of the row. I wait a few minutes, the show is about to start and the aisle seat is still available. My buddy and I decided to move down to the first two seats in the row. Literally, a few seconds later the usher walks in a few more people and I’m thinking this is going to be horribly awkward. The usher gives me this intense stink eye stare, but all I can do is look down in shame. The shame is comparable to how a dog feels after it has let his owner down by peeing on the brand new carpet.

I gotta admit the awkwardness of the interaction was not worth the aisle seat. Fortunately, the show starts and I can finally just sit and relax. About a minute later, I get a tap on the shoulder from the girl sitting behind me.

“Excuse me, but would you mind moving over so my friend can sit in the aisle seat in front of me?”

All I could think was. “Is this for real? Am I on some hidden camera show or something?

After the show, I walk out of the theater and I am stunned to see a familiar face. Who do I see? My good old flying buddy, Liza! (See my previous blog entry “Flying with Liza”)

I then made the fastest sprint to my car that has ever been done in history.       

H.A.K.A.S.    

Sleeping with Jonno

Lately, during my beauty sleep (picture me wearing a sleeping hat and footsies) I've been having some rather odd dreams. I am by no means a dream interpreter, but I gave it my best shot to make some sense of them and and of course to entertain my loyal readers.

The other night, I had this dream that I was traveling with Justin Timberlake. I don't know where we were going or why, but we were sharing a room together. It was by no means a sexual dream, but I was so excited to brag about hanging out with Justin Timberlake all to my family and friends. I do remember Justin not being very friendly to me, but I honestly couldn't care less because of his celebrity status. Awkward Dream Interpretation: Maybe I'm not as straight as I think I am.  

At work, my office is next to this one gentleman who I really don't care for. I don't have any specific reason for this, but I kind of just get that negative vibe from him. Anyway, I had a dream where I went into his office when he was not in there and proceeded to urinate all over his desk. I remember the peeing going on forever and wondering if it was ever going to stop.

Right as I finish urinating, the guy I don't care for and his associate walked into the office. For whatever reason I was shocked to see them and felt that I needed to explain why there was a massive puddle on his desk. So all I could think to say to them was "Sorry, I spilled." I don't know if that excuse made any sense because I still was holding my thingy and had it hanging out. Fortunately, the dream ended as they stared at me with blank expressions. But I'm not gonna lie, once I realized it was a dream I thought for sure I had wet my bed. For the record, that did not happen. Awkward Dream Interpretation: I really don't like that dude and should consider wearing a diaper when I sleep.

Most of you are aware that I have a secret obsession with food because of my inner fat kid. So in this one dream I had, I was shopping at Trader Joe's. I remember going through all the aisles and selecting certain items to toss in my basket. But the issue was that I could not find my turkey meatballs for the life of me. Now, I don't know if you've ever had Trader Joe's turkey meatballs, but they are pretty darn scrumptious, and I remember being extremely frustrated because I could not find the darn things! I even tried to ask some of the staff, but nobody had an answer for me.

Do not leave me again! You hear me? Never leave me again!

In addition to that dream, I also had one where I was ordering Taco Bell and was extremely confused by the menu. Apparently, they had changed the menu around and only had select items. Out all of all my dreams, this was easily the biggest nightmare. Awkward Dream Interpretation: I should win an award for managing to avoid obesity.

This last dream is a bit odd, so bear with me; at the same time, I think it could also make for an interesting movie. Anyway, apparently this one guy had brain cancer or some other type of deadly disease involving his brain. In order to live, he needed to kill me and take my brain. Now, I honestly feel sorry for anybody who wants to torture themself with my brain, because I lived with this thing for 30 years and let me tell ya it causes more harm than good. I don't think the guy ever did get to me, but I remember his entourage was after me. I also vaguely remember John Travolta being in the dream and trying to help me out. Regardless, when I woke up I was so freaked out and I don't think I could fall back asleep. Awkward Dream Interpretation: I should consider seeing a therapist and yeah I really need to get those diapers.

H.A.K.A.S

Flying with Liza

Every time I travel, I literally tell myself I’m never flying again. Even though I know it’s probably not realistic, it’s something I should seriously consider. The other day I was flying from LA to Chicago on a 6am flight.

First of all, I'm still amazed there are still people out there who are unaware of the security rules. I mean unless you are Walt Disney and have been frozen for the last 50 years, there is no valid excuse as a living human being to not know you have to take off your shoes, or take your laptop out of your bag. Come on people, let's get with it here!  

Moving on... I was flying Southwest so it was first-come first-serve seating.  Fortunately, I was in the “A" group and was able to snag the window seat in the emergency exit row. In my opinion, this is probably the second best seat on the plane because of the leg room. Because I had only gotten three hours of sleep the night before, my intention was to catch up on some much needed beauty sleep.

That whole plan ended about a minute later when this grandmother and her baby grandson decided to sit directly right behind me. When she sat down all I could say to myself was “mother f’er!” Out of all the seats that were available, why did the one behind me look so appealing? Right away the friggin baby starts crying. And the crying is not one of these soft whimpers, it’s more of a ear deafening scream. To make matters worse, every fellow passenger that walked down the aisle gave me this annoying look of “Well you’re screwed” or “Thank God it’s not me.” In order to resist from bitch-slapping the baby and his grandmother, I take a big deep breath and tell myself that I’ll just block it out when I’m allowed to put my headphones on.

As the boarding dwindled down, I saw light at the end of the tunnel. The middle seat next to me was vacant. Maybe this was God’s way of balancing everything out and his way of apologizing to me for the screeching baby. Well apparently God was on vacation because the last person to board the plane was this middle-aged woman, who wore a jump-suit, reeked of perfume and of course sat in the middle seat next to good old little Jonno.

I’m going to call this woman Liza, because she literally looked liked the love child between Liza Minnelli and David Guest. 

Damn you two for procreating!

The first thing Liza says to me and the guy sitting near the aisle, “Well aren’t you guys glad you didn’t get some fat old person sitting next to you?”

Liza did have a valid point, it could have been worse. At the same time, she was no spring chicken and was not the size of a stick. Liza then goes into some story about how she barely got on the plane because this other woman tried to cut in front of her. Liza then went on to reveal the woman she got into an argument was African-American.

“I really don’t like getting in arguments with black people,” said Liza. “You just never know how they’re going to react. They can sue you for being racist and stuff.”

Not only was I shocked how ignorant Liza was, but also because they’re happened to be two African-American women sitting right behind us (next to the crying baby). And by no means does Liza speak quietly.  

“Sorry I talk a lot,” said Liza. “I’m Jewish and I have a big nose.”

Thank you Liza for helping the Jewish stereotypes out there and putting a stop to Anti-Semitism around the world.

Liza then bends over to get something out of her carry-on bag and I couldn’t help but notice that she had a tramp stamp of Shaggy from "Scooby-Doo!" How friggin random is that? I mean what the hell is a 50-year-old woman doing with a Shaggy tattoo on her ass? And why was I looking at it? My best explanation for looking at it, is the same reason you slow down on the highway to look at a car accident. You know you shouldn't look, but you can't help yourself from staring. Liza did not seem afraid to show off her tramp stamp because she bent over numerous times. And most of times it seemed like she was doing it for no reason. Can you blame her? As my mom always told me, “If you got it flaunt it.” 

At this point the screaming baby seemed like heaven compared to Liza. If there was any saving grace, the burly man in my row sitting near the aisle was willing to talk to her. Liza and this man pretty much talked during the whole 4-hour flight. I was probably able to only fall asleep for 5 minutes at most. Things got even more uncomfortable, when Liza decided to feel the man’s leg and commented how strong it felt. It was very obvious that Liza was not only annoying, but a filthy whore! (Sorry ladies, but I had to.)  

And for some reason, Liza would keep on looking at me when she talked to the man. Because she kept looking at me I felt obligated to do a fake smile at her jokes. And I don’t know if she had hemorrhoids or something because she would constantly shift her butt in her seat. Each time she shifted, she not only bumped into my leg, but would expose her God damn nauseating Shaggy tramp stamp! 

I was completely ecstatic when she finally decided to doze off. That was until Liza’s dozing off consisted of taking off her shoes and spreading her feet on the seat in front of us. She apparently did not care that her feet were in my personal leg space.  It was at that moment when I finally understood why humans murder other humans.

When the flight finally landed, I jumped off that plane as fast as I could to get away from that obnoxious creature.  In hindsight, even though the flight was miserable I did learn a few things...

1. There can be a lot worse things on a plane than a crying baby.
2. Never get a Shaggy tramp stamp.

H.A.K.A.S!  

Baby Baby Baby...

The other night, I got home from work on a Thursday night at around 9pm. I parked my car and then heard this strange sound, but I just assumed it was some noise my Prius was making. When I opened the door, it sounded like there was a baby crying literally right next to me.


The problem was that it was pitched dark outside, so I really couldn’t see a thing. In addition, I park in a shared carport in an alley behind my apartment and there was not one single living creature in sight besides me and this mysterious crying baby. So to put it mildly, I was a bit freaked out. Actually not a bit, I was scared shitless. And if you’ve never experienced hearing a baby crying, in a dark, deserted alley, it’s quite a creepy and eerie feeling.

The thought did occur to me that the sound could have been some cat or animal that was trapped underneath something, but the noise was very distinct and extremely close to me, so I was pretty sure it sounded like a baby. It was also garbage night, so there was a garbage can right next to the carport. Using my detective retardo skills, I came to the conclusion that this baby/animal was either in the garbage can or trapped underneath the car I share a carport with.


Now, I did not open the garbage can or poke my head underneath the car for two reasons…


1. If it was an animal, I didn’t want it to jump out at me and latch onto my face.

2. This might sound a bit insane, so please bear with me….The thought also occurred to me that maybe the baby crying was a recorded sound used to startle me so then somebody could rob and attack me.

Some people may call me "The Baby Whisperer"

In case it was a baby, I did not want to leave it abandoned so I decided to look for some help. I figure if it was an animal or some other human that was going to attack me, it’s always good to have numbers. Plus, I wanted to make sure I was not going insane and this baby crying sound did indeed exist. So I decided to turn to my always available and unemployed Persian neighbor.

Here’s a little background about my Persian neighbor…

• He has been unemployed ever since I’ve lived at my place, which has been over a year now.
• When I walk into my apartment or leave it, he is always there to greet me.
• There are times when I don’t even see him and he sneaks up behind me to say hello.
• He is an extremely nice gentleman, but tends to be a bit chatty.
• He is also the same individual that told me I have a beautiful voice because he listens to me sing in the shower outside my bathroom window.

Despite all of his irritating characteristics, I knew I could count on my Persian neighbor to be available and help me during this crisis. So I walk up to his door and knock and he is of course not home. Are you kidding me? This guy is always friggin home and the one time I actually need him he is nowhere to be seen! I then call my buddy who lives down the street and of course he did not answer because he was at his girlfriend’s place.

With not other option, I decide to go in my apartment, recollect my thoughts and figure out some sort of plan. I was extremely tired and very hungry, so all I wanted to do was eat some grub and watch one of my DVR’d Jimmy Kimmels. But I knew I couldn’t do that because there was a damn baby to save! My neurotic mind was concerned that police could find out through some hidden camera that I abandoned this baby, maybe I could be prosecuted. I also thought what if this baby unfortunately dies and it’s ghost comes back to haunt me for the rest of my life?


Given both of these very likely scenarios, I decided to get a flashlight and be a God damn hero. As I flashed the light towards my carport, I fortunately did not see or hear a sound. I might not have given it the best and longest effort, but I did give it a shot. Till this day, I honestly have no idea what the heck that sound was.


So let’s cut to about a week later… I get an e-mail forward from my mom. It’s one of these forwards from the police that give you a list of ten things to be aware of so you can avoid being robbed or assaulted. I quickly skimmed through the list, until I come to number nine on the list.

9.“Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird… The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door…' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.”


So maybe I'm really not as crazy as I think I am? Also, does this mean that serial killers think I’m a woman?


H.A.K.A.S.

2011 MTV Twilight Awards

Awkward observations…

-I thought Jason Sudeikis did a decent job hosting, although I could have done without the Arnold jokes. Ladies , could you help me out with something? Is this guy that good looking to the point where’s he been able to bed January Jones, Jennifer Aniston and Scarlett Johansson? Or do girls just want to sleep with him because his uncle is Norm from “Cheers?”

-The cast from TWILIGHT must be doing the same type of shrooms together because they always give the most awkward acceptance speeches. Also, I think Taylor Lautner blew the MTV moon man because that would explain why they win every single award. We all know Team Jacob bats for the other team right?  

-Speaking of batting for the other team... The Foo Fighters and my man crush Dave Grohl tore the place down. Seriously people, you cannot tell me there is a better band out there than them. But I do agree O-Town is a close second though.  

-Speaking of boy bands... When Justin Timberlake groped Mila Kunis’ breasts, all I could picture was her longtime ex-beau, Macaulay Culkin, watching from home with his HOME ALONE face.

Hang in there buddy!

-I noticed that Gary Busey was seated right next to Steve-O. I wonder if that section was equivalent to the kiddie table at Thanksgiving?

-Jonno Fun Fact: The actor who played the boulder from 127 HOURS is a former Chicago improv teacher of mine. (I fully realize nobody else cares about this fact except for me) 

-Is it just me or has Steve Carell had a lot of work done since the first season of “The Office?” Specifically in the topical region?

Season 1 of "The Office"

Present

-I get the vibe from Emma Stone that she would be a cool chick to have a beer with. I also got the vibe from her duet with Jason Sudeikis that he banged her.

-I was not aware Patrick Dempsey was in TRANSFORMERS 3? He must be replacing Megan Fox’s role.

-If Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively ever had a child together, it should be kept locked up in a museum for the whole world to see.  

-Nicki Minaj... I have no idea what you do, but you have a nice rack.

-Speaking of nice racks... The little girl’s line from GROWN UPS “I wanna get chocolate wasted” was not funny in the movie and is still not funny.

-Why exactly was Chelsea Handler one of the presenters for the Reese Witherspoon award? Also, I didn’t realize she was the German bad guy from DIE HARD.

Bad guy from DIE HARD

Chelsea Handler

-Back to Gary Busey...  When he presented "The Best Movie Award" in a bubble it wasn’t for comedic effect, but more for security reasons.

-In Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech, she mentioned that you don’t need to break into Hollywood by making a sex tape. I wish she would have told me that before I filmed myself sleeping with Rob Kardashian. 

H.A.K.A.S.

Dumping Facebook

Facebook and I have what you call a rocky relationship. It’s kind of like dating somebody you know is wrong for you, but you do it regardless for selfish reasons of indulgence. Therefore, I have decided to break up with Facebook via a letter because I’m very old-fashioned and felt texting was inappropriate.

Dear Facebook,

I remember when I first laid eyes on you in a dark, isolated room. I was taken immediately by your natural beauty and all your endless communication possibilities. On our first date we caught up with old friends and looked at their photos. The first time we made love I was networking and shamelessly plugging my blogs, but then all of the sudden our relationship took a turn for the worse.

I saw the dark side of you. You’re extremely addicting. I think John Mayer said it best when he referred to Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm. Even though I have no idea what that means, I think you are my sexual napalm. It’s gotten to the point where I cannot go a second without checking how you’re doing and all of your status updates.  Whether I’m in an elevator, at a red light, or taking care of business in the little boy’s room… I cannot help but find out about how a so-called “friend” is stuck in traffic or how many eggs they have collected on Farmville.

I also cannot stand how you make me waste countless hours staring at people’s photos I hardly even know. If these people even knew I was looking at their personal photo album, they would have a restraining order against me and I would have to live in a hut in some third world country.

My new home

 Another thing I dislike about you is how you are a tease and inflate people’s egos by showcasing their birthday, so they get endless amounts of attention on their wall. (Side note: People, please settle down with the FB birthday wishes. How about a new rule where you only wish somebody happy birthday if you would actually pick up the phone and verbally tell them happy birthday?)

I know this is hard for me to do and I’m going to miss you deeply, but I think it’s time we go our separate ways. I realize there are going to be times where it’s late at night and I’ve gotten tired of ESPN.com and You Tube (more likely You Porn) and I want to give you a booty call and see how you’re doing. Hopefully, I'll have the self-control to not log-in with my secretive password and hear your sultry, comforting voice. Facebook, I really do appreciate the time we’ve had together, but I'm afraid it’s over.

Warm Regards,

Jonno

P.S. I’m not falling for your crap where you call me a few weeks later and tell me you’ve missed your period.     

McNuggets…

-Apparently my precious Red Prius has some type of bullseye on it.  A lovely gentleman decided to make a U-Turn on a busy street and for whatever struggled to complete the U-Turn… So he then decided to smash right into my driver’s door.

Poor baby... I still love you no matter how you look.

I have fortunately gotten the car back and from the outside it looks fixed, but there is just something about it that’s not the same. It’s similar to a veteran coming back from Vietnam. Yeah they made it back alive, but mentally they are shaken for the rest of their life.   

-Speaking of driving… I don't like to make generalizations, but I work in Koreatown, which allows me to share the streets with numerous Koreans. After studying them closely, I’ve come to the conclusion Koreans are not aware you are allowed to inch up into the median when making a left turn at a green light. I cannot tell you how many left turns I’ve missed because of this issue. If you know of any Koreans in the LA area, please spread the word to them so I can actually get to work on time!   

-Since we just talked about Koreans, let’s move on to Persians shall we? I have this nice Persian gentleman neighbor who tends to like to chat a little bit too much. The other day I was coming back home and he told me I have a beautiful voice. I looked around because I thought maybe he was talking to somebody else or something. But apparently my Persian neighbor can hear me sing outside my shower window. There are two problems with this situation… A) I wasn’t even aware I was singing in the shower. B) Why the hell is he listening to me in the shower? I mean do I need to go back wearing my rape whistle when I bathe?  

-Speaking of nudity... I was able to check out the movie “Love and Other Drugs.” The movie was actually pretty decent, but I gotta admit Anne Hathaway’s boob shots increased my overall rating of the movie from two and a half stars to four stars. Overly obvious joke of the day: How come Anne Hathaway’s breasts didn’t win best supporting actress? 

-Continuing on the nudity topic...Has anybody noticed the high percentage of men in porn that wear watches while they are performing? What’s the point of the watch? I find it very distracting and not consistent with the character they are trying to portray. And just to clarify, I'm not just watching men, there are women involved too. And to clarify one more time, I don't watch porn, but I have friends that do. 

-(Okay, I've given up on the witty transitions) The other day I waddled into Walgreens during my lunch break and a female customer walked up to me and asked if I could help her find something. I then explained to her that I don’t work at Walgreens. She replies, “Oh, I thought you did.” Dumbass, what exactly about me in my maroon button down shirt tucked into black dress pants tells you I work at Walgreens? Let me guess, if you saw me at Hooters you probably would think I was a waitress there too?   

-Very rarely do I talk about music, but I have a few things on my mind to share…

1. I cannot stop listening to Adele’s song “Rolling in the Deep.” It feels like a throwback to an oldies song or something.

2. Anybody who knows me is aware I have a severe, but healthy man crush on Dave Grohl. So I was watching a documentary about the Foo Fighters (the greatest band in the world) and did you know after Kurt Cobain passed away Tom Petty offered him the drummer position in his band? I love Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, but thank God my snookums made the decision to start his own band.

3. How in the heck are The Strokes a successful band? Honestly, I rather listen to myself sing in the shower, while a middle-aged Persian male stares at me with a giant grin. 

 

I’m Out!

Father-Son Bonding

The other night my friend and I met up for happy hour, and by the time that ended it was only 8pm. So what are two semi-nerdy guys with no plans supposed to do? Can you say gentleman’s club? I know what most of you are thinking… Jonno is a dirty, stinky, filthy, pig. Okay, I agree I’m a little dirty, stinky and filthy, but how dare you say I’m a pig! In all honestly, I haven’t been to a strip club in ages. I think the last time was about seven years ago for a bachelor party. So let’s face it people, I was due.

When we walked in a little after 8 o’clock, it was like a ghost town in there. There was one dude sitting by the stage and that was it. Here’s a little tip for all you youngsters out there… Do not go to a strip club before 10pm. You would have thought I would’ve learned my lesson given a previous experience I had.

FLASHBACK (doodle-do-doodle-do-doodle-do)

I had just turned 21 and I went on a family trip to Vegas. Sounds like a blast huh? My dad and I were walking down the strip and we passed by a gentleman's club. I jokingly said, “Hey, we should go in there.” Assuming my dad would just laugh it off and give me a look like, “I’m so disappointed you’re my son.” He says, “Sure, let’s go.” I was in total shock from his response, given that my dad is somebody who never drinks, smokes, or does anything out of the ordinary. For some reason I got the idea that going to strip club would be a good father-son bonding experience, so we walked into the joint on a week-day in the early afternoon.

The place of course was completely dead. There was nobody else there and I don’t even think I remember seeing a dancer on stage. My dad and I take a seat and order two beers. A minute after the beers came, two strippers mozy on over and sit on our laps. When the stripper sat on my dad’s lap, he turned into vegetable and went into complete shock. The girls tried to make small talk with us, but my dad could not utter a word. So I had to do my best to keep the conversation going. I must say, it’s a troubling sight to see a stripper sitting on your dad’s lap. Even though I had the better looking one, I knew we had to abort this mission as soon as possible if my dad was ever going to speak again.

I think my dad would've felt more comfortable with this stripper

My dad probably thought the strippers would just dance on the stage and would leave you alone. He didn’t put into account that when there is absolutely no business, strippers will hound you like a piece of fresh meat. After we managed got the girls to go away, we quickly paid our bill and got the heck out of there. To this day, I don’t think my dad has said a word about this awkward strip club experience. Although, he has kept in touch with one of them and is friends with them on Facebook. Even though he’s retired, he says it for networking purposes.  

McNuggets

-What took so long for the Snickers marketing people to combine their candy bar with peanut butter? You would think this would’ve been discovered 20 or 30 years ago. I must say that I tried it and it was quite scrumptious, but isn’t it just the same thing as a Nutrageous bar?

-If any strippers are reading this… When you’re trying to get money from a Jewish customer, it’s not the best idea to tell them you come from a family of Nazi’s.

-I would like to thank the Packers for winning the Super Bowl, helping me win $100 and defeating the sexual assaulter known as Big Ben. How can anybody in their right mind root for that scumbag? In other news… Move over Dave Grohl because I think I have a new man crush on Aaron Rodgers. 

You ladies sure know how to pick them.

-I think I found out where hell is on Earth and it is a stored called Big Lots. Love the prices, but God that place is a mess. It would probably be best if I go back there when I’m 60 and Hispanic.  

-In LA, they keep on showing this commercial about preventing kids from smoking by showing a woman with a hole in her throat. I appreciate the message, but it’s not the best thing to see as I’m about to take a bite out of my Lean Cuisine dinner. Btw, I’m fully aware that eating a Lean Cuisine is disgusting on it’s own.     

-Derrick Rose you are quickly becoming a Chicago God and I have already begun to build your statue.

-On the way to meet somebody on a first date, my right ear started to bleed profusely. I have no why or how it started, but I felt like Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” minus the hot make-out session with Mila Kunis. After I arrived at the bar, I received a call from my date that she got a flat tire. I’m not a spiritual person by any means, but I think this was God’s way of telling me… “Yeah, maybe this isn’t going to work out.”

-Between seeing the Muppets with Cee Lo Green on the Grammys and on Top Chef, I must say it was one hell of a Muppet week! Keep it coming!

-When I look at Facebook on my phone sometimes, it's been saying I "Like" certain status updates without me selecting the "Like" button. So if you happen to see that I "Like" your status update that your dog died or you just got in a car accident. I don't really like it and I'm sorry to hear that.   

H.A.G. S.    

The Fire Alarm

So this past week I’ve been in Florida for work. I was getting a bit concerned when nothing of any awkward substance occurred during my trip. Fortunately, the awkward Gods were watching over me and I finally have an incident to share with all my peeps.

As I was getting some beauty sleep, I was having a dream that I cannot fully recall what it was about. I know for sure it wasn’t a sexual dream, or else I would’ve remembered that. Anyway, I was in the middle of my dream and having a conversation with some older man and all the sudden he started making this irritating loud sound. I then woke up and realized the reason he was making that annoying sound was because the fire alarm was going off in the hotel. I checked the clock and it was 1 a.m. After saying an expletive to myself, I waited a few minutes to see if the alarm was going to stop. It of course did not, so I said another expletive to myself and rolled out of bed in my jammy jams. (Picture me in Superman footsies)


I was still half asleep as I stumbled into the lobby. There were only a couple of other hotel guests that left their rooms. By the way, when did Tampa turn into Hickville? I swear every dang person in this hotel has some sort of strong southern accent. I don’t mind a southern accent every now again, but when it happens this frequently it’s a bit bothersome. Moving on, the two concierges behind the desk were giving no indication if it was a fake or real fire alarm. The concierges with their heads down repeatedly kept on picking up the phone and hanging up
without saying anything.

Watching them, I almost felt like I was stuck in some sort of nightmare because I could not figure for the life of me what the heck they were doing. A wise person probably would’ve walked up to them and asked them why the fire alarm was going off. But I was so tired and I didn’t have the strength to ask them. All I could do was stare at them with my mouth dropped open and wonder, “Why is this happening?”

Of course as I was waiting there had to be some entertainment. I already was not feeling the best because I had eaten some seafood at Best Western Hotel restaurant. Speaking of Hickville, this heavy-set Yosemite Sam looking dude rolls the lobby. He is practically dressed as a farmer, but for some odd reason he has this denim shirt on, but chooses not to button it. Therefore, his massive belly and chest are busting out of the shirt. All he had to do was just take 30 seconds of his life and button it. But for some reason he was proud of physique and decided to flaunt it to everybody. And as my mother once told me when I started developing… “If you got it, flaunt it!”

Because I was already not feeling well, the man’s appearance made me somewhat nauseous. As the concierges continued their robotic pick-up the phone and hang-up dance, fat Yosemite Sam decided to walk up to somebody to find out what was going on. And who does he choose out of the pick-up line? Any guesses? Our little innocent Jonno. As his pasty, hairy stomach jiggled my way in slow-motion - I couldn’t help, but throw up in my mouth a little bit. I felt like Judge Reinhold in that scene from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” where he watches Phoebe Cates get out of the pool. Only, this was quite the opposite effect.

Fat Yosemite Sam



Phoebe

Fat Yosemite Sam asks me if I know why the fire alarm was going off. To avoid making eye contact with his enormous gut or smell him, I looked away, held my breath and shook my head no. Fortunately, that was it for the Q & A session with Fat Yosemite Sam and he didn’t ask me to partake in a game of “Truth or Dare.” By the way, I never really understood the game of “Truth or Dare.” Choosing the truth is way easier than the dare. And what exactly is the incentive for doing the dare?

A few minutes later, the robotic concierges finally hung up their phones and the fire alarm stopped. They of course still did not give any explanation as why the alarm went off. I think one of them might have murmured a “sorry” under their breath, but it’s debatable if that was even said. All I could do was just look at them and shake my head, with a sarcastic chuckle of, “Are you kidding me?” I know the blame can’t go solely on them for what happened, but I got a feeling they contributed somehow to the alarm debalce.

By the time I went back to my room, I was fully awake. I had to wake up in a few hours for work, so I did everything in the book to make myself fall asleep. Nothing worked. Without anymore options, I found out what room Fat Yosemite Sam stayed at and we played a game of “Truth or Dare.” Surprisingly, Fat Yosemite Sam was a fan of going for the dares. Who knew he could shove 30 marsmallows up his sphincter?


I’m Out!

An Awkward Time at the Movies...

The Fighter: When I saw the trailer for this movie it did pique my interest, but I was still unsure how good it was actually going to be. I know it’s shocking to say, but Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch has actually turned into one the best actors out there. Btw, what happened to the heavy-set African American woman from the “Good Vibrations” video? You would think she would make some type of cameo in one of his films. Since Marky Mark’s somewhat comical performance in “Fear” he has really improved leaps and bounds in the acting department. Before I get into my review, I have a bone to pick with the trailers. Trailers used to be one of my favorite parts of the movie experience. Now it seems like anytime I see an R-rated movie, every trailer has to be a film about the devil or something depressing. I mean are there no more comedies coming out? I honestly think I strained my neck from having to continually look away from the screen from the scary trailers! (And yes, I’m totally aware that this is completely pathetic for a 29-year-old male to do.) By the way is Natalie Portman taking over the world? She literally has four movies coming out. How about a little variety Hollywood? More on her later.

For some reason I have trouble pulling off this look.

The story and the acting were superb. These days, it is near impossible to keep my focus and interest for a full 2 hours. I’m usually thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner or when will be the next time I will make love to a beautiful woman. But this movie sucked me in. You might as well give the Oscar to Christian Bale for the best supporting actor because there is nobody coming close to that performance. I guess there’s a reason why that dude is a crazy a-hole… Because he can act! And who the heck played the mom?  I’ve never seen her before, but her character was so annoying I wanted to jump out of my seat and strangle her. And just so you know, if a character gets under your skin like that they’re doing a hell of a job. To top it all off the film had Amy Adams in her bra and underwear. By the way, what’s the deal with the word “panties?” When will dudes understand they come off as creepy when they say “panties.” Only women are allowed to say that word so let’s try to stick to it fellas. Anyway, by far the best movie of the year! This movie shows that whenever you get an opportunity in life, you have to make the most of it because you might not get another shot. And if you don’t… Then I guess you’re kind of screwed.   

Little Fockers: I’m sure most of you are wondering why the heck I saw this movie.  And after seeing it, I’m kind of wondering the same thing. The reason being I was in the mood for an easy, light-hearted movie. Plus, I am a huge fan of the original and knew they had to redeem themselves after the atrocious “Meet the Fockers.” And I’m not really sure if they did because I actually fell asleep during the film. I might have smiled at one joke during the time I was awake. Owen Wilson’s role in this movie was completely useless and there was way too much of him. Even though Jessica Alba got into her bra and underwear (notice I did not say panties) in the movie, I wanted to bang my head with a frying pan watching her. Her storyline about the Viagra drug and her character hitting on Ben Stiller was so bad, I probably would have preferred to of seen Barbara Streisand in her bra and underwear instead. And please don’t even get me started on the whole Dustin Hoffman salsa dancing thing because who’s ever that idea was should be blacklisted from the industry. By the way, Teri Polo must be thanking her lucky stars that they made three of these films. Because the only other thing I know she’s done is that nude Playboy spread from a few years back. And just so you know, I never saw the spread because I’m a man of honor and integrity. Actually not really, I just have no desire to see Teri Polo naked. 

True Grit: Okay, I know this movie got rave reviews and numerous accolades, but I just didn’t get it. I see how the young girl is talented, but I feel like the whole mature, intelligent kid has been done way too many times. I also could not understand about half of the dialogue because of the southern twang that was going on. It sounded like Jeff Bridges had 20 bags of Big League Chew in his mouth. Speaking of Big League Chew… God, I miss that stuff! I feel like you’re only allowed to chew that stuff if you’re playing little league baseball. On the other hand, if a person such as myself chews Big League Chew, I might come off as a pedophile. Honestly, I think this debate is more interesting than this film.

Black Swan: Before I saw this film, I always thought Natalie Portman was the least frightening person on this planet. After seeing this film, Natalie Portman scares the crap out of me. I realize I get scared rather easily, but come on people… You can’t tell me you didn’t flinch a few times during this film. I never really appreciate a director when I see a movie, but I can tell this Darren Aronofsky is a talent. Although, I’m not sure how he could break up with the one and only Rachel Weisz. Similar to “The Fighter” this movie moves quickly and the time flies by. By the end of it your brain feels worn out and all you can do is just sit and stare in outer space for a few minutes. So for that reason alone you gotta see it. Another reason to see this film is the hot provocative scene with Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. I know I’m gonna get a lot of crap for saying this, but this movie made want to have a vagina. (Not permanently, just for a like few minutes.)

McNugget Golden Globe Observations…

-They should have just called it “The Social Network” and GLEE awards

-I think if Christian Bale wasn’t such a good actor, he would need to be institutionalized.

-Bruce Willis looked like he wanted to kill Ricky Gervais after he made fun of him.

-By the way, I like Ricky Gervais and all of his digs at celebrities… But has he forgotten that every single movie he’s done has been awful?

-Can Jack McBrayer from 30 ROCK ever stop smiling? It's a bit excessive.

I'm sorry, but somebody needs to punch this guy in the face.
.

-Christopher Nolan’s wife is probably a wonderful woman, but she’s not very easy on the eyes.

-On another note, who knew Peggy Bundy was so attractive? Damn!    

-I thought security should have stepped in when that Autistic woman mauled and bear hugged Claire Danes after she won. They probably would have been better off sitting the woman with Christian Bale.

-After listening to Andrew Garfield present an award, I think it would have made more sense for him to be the lead in “The King’s Speech.”
-Props to Natalie Portman making a joke about her pregnancy.(And on a good note, she didn't scare me!)

-Mila Kunis sure wasted no time in finding her rebound guy in James Franco. Franco at least makes sense to me, because I never really understood the whole Macaulay Culkin relationship. Maybe Brian Austin Green should have gave Macaulay some advice, since he has been able to hang onto Megan Fox for so long. He seriously must have hypnotized her to make her think we are currently in 1992.

I’m Out!   

The Red Eye

For this blog entry, I decided to go back into the awkward vaults and share a story that happened to me a about three years ago. This story occurred to me because I've been traveling and flying pretty frequently lately, kind of like George Clooney from "Up In The Air." Except I'm not as cool and I don't hook up with hot random married women. (No jealousy at all.) Anyway,  I can't believe I never shared this story given it made me chuckle when I recalled all the events that happened.   

So I was in LA at the time(my first tour) and flying to my friend's wedding in Miami. It's not the most convenient flight given there aren't many direct flights to Miami. So I ended up taking the red eye around 11pm and was arriving at 7am. This was actually my first red eye flight I had ever taken, so it was going to be a bit of an adjustment for little Jonno. In addition, I'm not a person who sleeps on planes very easily given my brain moves like a hamster wheel.  I was seated in an aisle seat next to this friendly, older southern couple probably in late 60's early 70's. In order to not be a mess the whole trip and get some shut eye, I popped two benadryl before the flight.

About two hours into the flight I finally fell asleep. As I was sleeping, I kind of had this feeling that there was something around me. I wasn't sure what, but I knew it was something. So as I open my eyes, I look over and there is this bald, albino, gentleman probably in his mid 30's hovering over me with his eyes closed. He practically looked like a zombie ready to eat my head off. And I was like holy friggin sh*t! I didn't know what the heck was going on. Out of all the people that could be sleepwalking, how come this guy had to be a bald albino scary looking zombie?  I mean why couldn't the person have been a nun or an accountant or any other type of a human being? Just not a zombie looking dude!

(Rise and shine Jonno!)

                  











As I am face to face with the bald albino sleepwalker zombie, I realize he is about fall on top of me. So in order to not get smashed by him I lightly pushed him away. As I pushed him he felt like the weight of a feather because he was asleep. So he flings backward and falls on the back of his head and into the aisle. Because of the fall everybody on the plane woke up from their slumber and that's when the mayhem started. The Southern older couple who I thought were sweet people at first, quickly turned on me. It's true you really do learn who your real friends are in stressful situations. The husband of the couple turned to me and yelled, "What are you doing? Get up and get some help!" So let me get this straight... Because I was sleeping and an bald albino sleepwalking zombie decided to fall on top of me, this was somehow my fault?

I was a bit groggy from my sleep, but being the true hero I am I managed to get out of my seat and seek help. I went to the front of the plane and there were no stewardesses to be seen. When I turned around I saw that there were two stewardesses from the back of the plane attending to the bald albino zombie. The albino ended up fortunately being fine, but I still got the stink eye from every single passenger for the rest of the flight. The plane was overwhelmingly pro-zombie and anti-Jonno. To make it even crazier, I later saw where the zombie was sitting and it was towards the back of the plane. I was sitting in the 5th row, which means he had to pass about 20 rows before he decided I was the lucky chosen one to fall on.

God, that George Clooney is a lucky bastard! (Again, not jealous)

I'm Out!

Memoirs of the Invisible Jonno

Two recent instances have made me wonder if I am truly invisible. Before your brain gets flooded with confusion, please let me explain myself. A few Saturdays ago, I was waddling down the street getting ready to head into CVS. As I made a sharp right turn (walking) I saw a young hipster doofus standing in front of the store smoking a cigarette. As I glanced up, the young doofus proceeded to hock a slimy loogie into the air. It was as if the projectile loogie hesitated and winked at me mid-air. My facial expression quickly turned to "OH NOOOOOOOOOO!" I knew at this point there was no turning back. Unfortunately, this loogie had a destination and it was aimed at our little, innocent, and precious Jonno. The loogie smothered me like a tsunami and drenched my shirt and shorts. Fortunately, it was not my Gucci wardrobe day (that usually occurs on Wednesdays, if you’re scoring at home).

I turned to the hipster doofus and asked him, "What the hell is your problem?" In a very non-apologetic tone he replied, "What? I didn't see you." That was his response?!!!! What has this world come to? He was almost as if he thought it was my fault that I walked into his spit! If I had accidentally spit on somebody, I’d get down on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness. Being the “mensch” that I am, I’d probably even offer to pay for their dry cleaning. If I hadn’t been such a friggin’ wuss, I would've slammed the hipster doofus’ head against a wall. The thing I still can't understand is who the heck hocks a loogie without any type of control in a heavy traffic area? If I do happen to spit, which I rarely do, it's usually directed at the ground (away from any humans, animals, or living organisms). I'm not a vengeful person, but I if I ever see this young hipster doofus again, I'm most definitely going to spit on him. The only issue is that I tend to dribble a bit when I spit. I guess I'll have to practice in my free time.
       
As we continue along the invisible theme...

Earlier this morning, I decided to hit the gym to maintain my stunning physique. After getting a sip of water from the water fountain, this gentleman was not paying attention to where he was walking and almost knocked right into me. In order to avoid the collision, I did a ninja reflex move, but he still grazed my groin area (settle down ladies, your time will come). The gentleman said, "sorry, excuse me" which was a valid apology given the circumstances. I felt we had reached an understanding. I decided to work off some of my fat kid's gorging from the previous night and do some crunches. As I struggled to do some, I noticed the same gentleman who had grazed my groin area approach me. He says to me, "Did you just push me?"  I looked at him like he had 8 heads because I had no idea what he was talking about. He then goes on to say "I just wanted to make sure I wasn't disrespected."  At this point, I was like what the hell is this guy talking about?  I'm not saying I'm the strongest man in the world, but I think somebody would know if I pushed them. So I practically laughed at him and said, "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."  Maybe it was more of a nervous laugh, but nonetheless it was a laugh. The gentleman than says before he walks away, "I hope so. Because I don't want to be disrespected!"  If anything, I was the person that was disrespected, given that he bumped into me and grazed my special area. And how is it that people keep on not noticing me?  I'm practically 6'3 and 195 pounds. It's not like I'm Mini Me walking around and getting stepped on. It's almost like I'm re-living the movie "The Sixth Sense" and I'm some type of ghost.

I see awkward people!

                                                    
Time for everybody's favorite part(Or maybe just mine)... The McNuggets!!!

-I gotta pick a beef with facebook here... I'm really not a fan of anytime I leave a comment on somebody's thread, I then get e-mailed everybody else's comment. It's nothing against the other people, but I unfortunately don't care what they have to say. Facebook, I know you do offer some good things, so I guess we'll just have to compromise here... As long as you let me stalk women and stare at their pictures, I'll deal with the comments thread. Deal?

-I also have a bone to pick with stainless steel pots and pans. What is the benefit of them?  I know they look nicer, but they have to be the biggest pain the arse!  Every time I use them, I end up burning the bottom of the pot. To add on to the madness, they are harder to clean and the handle always gets too hot!  It's almost like dealing with some ultra-sensitive little baby. who cries over any little thing you do wrong. Actually come to think of it, that's kind of like me.          

-I don't know how the Real World does it, but every season they are able to find the most psychotic, obnoxious person, with the worst communication skills. And in this past season in New Orleans, they introduced me to the wonderful Ryan. Ryan, I never want to meet or see you, but thank so much for bringing so much joy to my life.

My future roommate from Craigslist

-I know the song "California Gurls" has gotten fairly old by now, but I am compelled to discuss it. As you know, the song basically talks about how attractive the girls are in California with their bikini tops and daizy dukes. For some reason, whenever I'm driving around the streets of LA and this song comes on the radio, I always see the most grotesque women, shaking their flabby asses as I look out my car window. Ms. Perry, where are these "California Gurls" that you speak so highly of?  

-Awkward line of the week... A few weekends ago, I was at this lounge and my friend started to talk with this attractive hostesses. My friend said to the her, "Doesn't that guy over there look like Hayden Christensen?"  You know, the guy from Star Wars." The hostess then replied, "I don't know. I don't watch that show."  That's why we all love the California girls.

I'm Out!