Sunday, February 20, 2011

Father-Son Bonding

The other night my friend and I met up for happy hour, and by the time that ended it was only 8pm. So what are two semi-nerdy guys with no plans supposed to do? Can you say gentleman’s club? I know what most of you are thinking… Jonno is a dirty, stinky, filthy, pig. Okay, I agree I’m a little dirty, stinky and filthy, but how dare you say I’m a pig! In all honestly, I haven’t been to a strip club in ages. I think the last time was about seven years ago for a bachelor party. So let’s face it people, I was due.

When we walked in a little after 8 o’clock, it was like a ghost town in there. There was one dude sitting by the stage and that was it. Here’s a little tip for all you youngsters out there… Do not go to a strip club before 10pm. You would have thought I would’ve learned my lesson given a previous experience I had.

FLASHBACK (doodle-do-doodle-do-doodle-do)

I had just turned 21 and I went on a family trip to Vegas. Sounds like a blast huh? My dad and I were walking down the strip and we passed by a gentleman's club. I jokingly said, “Hey, we should go in there.” Assuming my dad would just laugh it off and give me a look like, “I’m so disappointed you’re my son.” He says, “Sure, let’s go.” I was in total shock from his response, given that my dad is somebody who never drinks, smokes, or does anything out of the ordinary. For some reason I got the idea that going to strip club would be a good father-son bonding experience, so we walked into the joint on a week-day in the early afternoon.

The place of course was completely dead. There was nobody else there and I don’t even think I remember seeing a dancer on stage. My dad and I take a seat and order two beers. A minute after the beers came, two strippers mozy on over and sit on our laps. When the stripper sat on my dad’s lap, he turned into vegetable and went into complete shock. The girls tried to make small talk with us, but my dad could not utter a word. So I had to do my best to keep the conversation going. I must say, it’s a troubling sight to see a stripper sitting on your dad’s lap. Even though I had the better looking one, I knew we had to abort this mission as soon as possible if my dad was ever going to speak again.

I think my dad would've felt more comfortable with this stripper

My dad probably thought the strippers would just dance on the stage and would leave you alone. He didn’t put into account that when there is absolutely no business, strippers will hound you like a piece of fresh meat. After we managed got the girls to go away, we quickly paid our bill and got the heck out of there. To this day, I don’t think my dad has said a word about this awkward strip club experience. Although, he has kept in touch with one of them and is friends with them on Facebook. Even though he’s retired, he says it for networking purposes.  


-What took so long for the Snickers marketing people to combine their candy bar with peanut butter? You would think this would’ve been discovered 20 or 30 years ago. I must say that I tried it and it was quite scrumptious, but isn’t it just the same thing as a Nutrageous bar?

-If any strippers are reading this… When you’re trying to get money from a Jewish customer, it’s not the best idea to tell them you come from a family of Nazi’s.

-I would like to thank the Packers for winning the Super Bowl, helping me win $100 and defeating the sexual assaulter known as Big Ben. How can anybody in their right mind root for that scumbag? In other news… Move over Dave Grohl because I think I have a new man crush on Aaron Rodgers. 
You ladies sure know how to pick them.

-I think I found out where hell is on Earth and it is a stored called Big Lots. Love the prices, but God that place is a mess. It would probably be best if I go back there when I’m 60 and Hispanic.  

-In LA, they keep on showing this commercial about preventing kids from smoking by showing a woman with a hole in her throat. I appreciate the message, but it’s not the best thing to see as I’m about to take a bite out of my Lean Cuisine dinner. Btw, I’m fully aware that eating a Lean Cuisine is disgusting on it’s own.     

-Derrick Rose you are quickly becoming a Chicago God and I have already begun to build your statue.

-On the way to meet somebody on a first date, my right ear started to bleed profusely. I have no why or how it started, but I felt like Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” minus the hot make-out session with Mila Kunis. After I arrived at the bar, I received a call from my date that she got a flat tire. I’m not a spiritual person by any means, but I think this was God’s way of telling me… “Yeah, maybe this isn’t going to work out.”

-Between seeing the Muppets with Cee Lo Green on the Grammys and on Top Chef, I must say it was one hell of a Muppet week! Keep it coming!
-When I look at Facebook on my phone sometimes, it's been saying I "Like" certain status updates without me selecting the "Like" button. So if you happen to see that I "Like" your status update that your dog died or you just got in a car accident. I don't really like it and I'm sorry to hear that.   

H.A.G. S.    

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