Finding Love at the Coffee Bean

Throughout our history bars, clubs, parties and other social spots have been the typical places to pick-up on women. Another place you can now add to that list is the Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. Why you may ask?   

The other day I was working on some writing at this establishment. To my right I noticed this Israeli gentleman with a thick accent hitting on these two WASPy women who were taking a coffee break from their catering gig. Given that I have the tendency to be a bit nosy like a Yenta, I took off my headphones to watch this gentleman work his magic. 

Jonno at the Coffee Bean

To my dismay it was more painful to watch than it was enjoyable. The girls did not seem overly responsive to his random questions. One of the girls at least acknowledged his existence so he began to focus on her. As she was getting ready to leave he asked for her digits, but she asked for his number instead. In other words, the Israeli gentleman will never hear from this girl again.

Despite the rejection, I was in awe of his persistence and dedication. Twenty minutes later I noticed him chatting it up with a blonde outside on the patio. I knew at that moment, I had to introduce myself and learn this man’s life story. Unfortunately, since I have a penis he refused to talk to me.

A few days ago at the same Coffee Bean, I witnessed a similar interaction that blew my mind. It was so good that I decided to transcribe it for you in screenplay format.           

INT. COFFEE BEAN – DAY

An ATTRACTIVE GIRL, early 20s, puts sugar into her coffee. A PREPPY DUDE, late 30s, walks up to her and makes a little small talk. They share a laugh.

PREPPY DUDE: So what brings you here?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh, I’m just meeting with a friend of mine.

PREPPY DUDE: That’s cool. Very cool.

Awkward silence.

PREPPY DUDE: You know you should come to this party I’m having this weekend. It’s actually a charity party. (Question: Do charity parties even exist?)  

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh… Okay.

PREPPY DUDE: Here, I’ll give you my number and you can text me yours back. 

Preppy Dude forcefully tells the girl his digits as she types it into her phone.

PREPPY DUDE: Cool. It should definitely be a good time.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Sounds good.

PREPPY DUDE: By the way, how old are you?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: 17.

Preppy Dude’s calm look turns to shock.

PREPPY DUDE: Oh God, don’t call me. Yeah really, don’t call me.    

Preppy Dude embarrassingly walks away, while Jonno bursts out in laughter. 

END OF SCENE

You know what time it is? I think you know... Because it's time for a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I find it alarming that our country’s biggest issue is being ignored in these presidential debates… How to stop our parents from joining social media sites.  

2. Speaking of these debates, does the fact that I still own a trapper keeper of grade school female crushes make me a viable candidate for the 2016 presidential election?

3. Ben Affleck did such an outstanding job with “Argo” I feel I owe it to him to sit through “Gigli."

4. My favorite part of Taylor’s Swift’s new song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is that it reinforces I still have a chance with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So you're saying there's a chance...

5. Whenever I fly Virgin Airlines, I feel like I've just been cast in a 70s porn film.   

6. If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to trick her into thinking that's after she turns 17 her age stays the same for rest of her life.


H.A.K.A.S

When Jonno Met Kimmel

Recently the lady and I attended a foodie charity function at Culver Studios. The event featured some of the top chefs in the country and was for a great cause, Alex’s Lemonade Stand.  When I first heard about the ticket price for the event, I practically fainted. Then I read a little more about it and saw that my idol Jimmy Kimmel was the emcee for the festivities. I rationalized the price and told myself it would ultimately benefit both of us from a networking perspective and if money was an issue I could always go back to stripping on the weekends. (I just hope the Jewish retirement home will take me back after the last incident.)  

At the event I saw Kimmel right away and his producer friend. Ironically, I was interviewing with his producer friend the following week. Bonus! I waddled up to his friend and quickly introduced myself. I then gave them their space because I was hopeful there would be another opportunity with Kimmel later in the day. 

The food at the event was phenomenal. The best part was that you didn’t have to wait in long lines for the tastings. At the same time maybe this wasn’t such a good thing, because after 45 minutes of stuffing my face in the heat, I felt extremely sick. To read more about the scrumptious food at the event, check out my lady’s blog here.

The item that put me over the top was “Top Chef “season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio’s dish. He made a breaded chicken dish served in oyster shells on top of a bed of salt rocks. When I took a bite some of the salt rocks stuck to the chicken. Being the idiot that I am, I figured the salt rocks were part of the dish and ate two of them. Remember doing beer bongs in college? Well I felt like I had just done a salt water bong and immediately turned green and thought I was going to vomit. Fortunately, my inner fat kid called me a "puss" and I powered through by eating a fried chicken leg and some desserts.

Some of the other celebs at the event were Laura Dern, Jason Ritter, Lena Dunham, Allison Williams (Brian William’s daughter), Timothy Olyphant, Phil Rosenthal (Creator of “Every Loves Raymond”), Jim O’Heir (Jerry from “Parks and Recreation”), Harold Perrineau (Michael from “Lost”) and musician Michelle Branch. I chatted with Jason Ritter a little bit and he was an extremely down-to-earth guy and Jim O’Heir could not have been friendlier or sweatier.

When I spoke with Lena Dunham, I attempted to impress her with my witty sense of humor.

Jonno awkwardly taps Lena Dunham on the shoulder.

Jonno: I just have to say as a 31-year-old Jewish male, I can’t thank you enough for empowering women and helping them embrace their sexuality.

Crickets. Lena Dunham stares at Jonno blankly.

Lena Dunham: Oh, thanks.

Despite bombing horribly in front of her, she was still gracious enough to take a picture with me.

Promoting getting peed on in the shower awareness

Later in the day, I saw my opportunity to chat with the one and only, Jimmy Kimmel. After I introduced myself, I said something overly cliché to him about being a fan. He was able to recognize me right away from earlier in the morning and started laughing.

“You better run for the hills” said Kimmel. “Run as far away possible.”

Kimmel was referring to his producer friend, who I guess has the reputation of being a little demanding. I can’t remember exactly what I replied because it was such a surreal experience. I watch Kimmel every night on television and here I was sharing a laugh with him. The best part about him is that he has the same charismatic personality that he displays on television. Unbeknownst to me the lady was wise enough to take the perfect action shot as I was talking to him.

Love at first sight

Despite the ridiculously priced ticket, the scorching heat, and that fact that I almost overdosed on salt, I am extremely pleased to have attended the event and am looking forward to heading back next year. Now if I can only figure out how to deal with the restraining order Kimmel has against me... 

Do you smell what I smell? Oh yeah, it’s a 6-piece McNugget:

 

1. I don’t know if you heard the news already, but I have been cast to star opposite Larry David in “Looper 2: Oy! How dare you double-dip my chip!”

2. Speaking of Seinfeld, I recently saw Jason Alexander when he hosted an event at the Hollywood Bowl and was very upset to see this…

George Costanza having hair is equivalent to Bill Cosby changing his pigment to become white.

3. I'm beginning to question my masculinity after I walked by a squirrel the other day and it didn't run away or even flinch. All it did was laugh and throw a pine cone at me.

4. The second my parents tell me they have their own web series, I'm going to drive off a cliff Thelma & Louise style. 

5. I’m really bummed about how my lemonade stand is struggling. Apparently nobody wants to buy the goods from a 31-year-old male who isn’t wearing pants.

6. Can we please stop with the horribly scary movie trailers whenever I see a rated-R film in the theaters? The price of the ticket is expensive enough, so the last thing I need to do is buy new pants after soiling myself. (See the above nugget for more proof). 

H.A.K.A.S

Remembering 9/11

Given this week is the 11^th anniversary of 9/11 I thought I would share a story of how I first heard the tragic news. 

It was the beginning of my junior year at Indiana University. Over the summer I had made an effort to lift weights and get a little leaner in an attempt to lure the ladies. There was this girl I was smitten with in my 9:30am Telecom class. I had met her the year before working on a group project together and wanted to ask her out. 

Since I was a bit of timid wuss, I figured I would wait a little bit and develop more of a rapport with her.  Good thinking Jonno, wait for something to develop while you’re in the one time in your life where girls are exploring their sexuality and have low morals. 

Jonno's college sex life

It was Tuesday, September 11, 2001 and Jonno was going to make his move. I had an 8am class, followed by my 9:30am Telecom class with the gal. (Brilliant scheduling by me)

In the 8am class, nobody knew anything about the attacks even though the first tower had already been hit. 

I waddled to my 9:30 class and got myself mentally prepared to ask my crush out. I walked into class and saw my teacher sitting down with other classmates glued to the room’s television. There was dead silence as they watched the live coverage on NBC. I could tell it was a bad situation, but at that point, I didn’t fully know the severity of it. A few moments later, the girl sits down next to me and also focuses on the television.

In hindsight, I realize how ignorant this was of me, but I was completely focused on asking her out. For some reason I had it in my head that this was the moment to do it. As she watched the news, she began to freak out a little bit. Most of the people were watching it quietly, but she kept on repeating, “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

At this point I knew there was no way possible I could make a move. I mean, even John Mayer would throw in the towel in a situation like this. Plus, it wasn’t like I would never see her again. I figured I would just take care of business the next week.

Well that never happened, because I never saw her again. She apparently dropped out the class or stopped going. Jonno had lost his opportunity.

Fortunately I don’t have to blame the terrorists for my love life because I have a wonderful 

woman by my side. But, if there is anything to take away from this story, it’s that you should go after every opportunity in life because you never know how long it will last.  (Also, try and hook up as much as you can in college.) 

How about we turn it up a notch for a 9-piece McNugget!

1) I was playing flag football the other day and ten minutes into the game this gentleman steps in a mud puddle and it splatters all over my face to make me look like Mel Gibson in “Braveheart.” I really should just stick to fantasy football.

2) Speaking of fantasy football, if I could go back in time the first thing I would do is re-draft my fantasy team.

3)  When I look back at the career of Michael Clarke Duncan, I realize the movie "A Night at the Roxbury" would not have been the same without his role as bouncer #1.

4) Why is it whenever I listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast, I feel like he is trying to seduce me?  

5) Whenever I see a dude open a car door for his woman, I immediately assume he has not had intercourse with her.

6) When I was teaching my parents how to copy and paste on the computer, it felt like I was teaching a chimp how to do sign language. 

This probably would have been a lot easier and more enjoyable.

7) One of the positives to summer ending is that I won't have to use my excuse of being allergic to the sun for wearing a t-shirt at pool and beach parties. 

8)  If I'm talking to somebody at a party and they use the word "equity", I will immediately tune out of the conversation.

9) Party Tip: If you're bringing boneless buffalo wings to a party, it's not the best idea to eat five of them in your car without drinking anything. Or else you’ll have the hiccups for the duration of the party and receive odd looks from people.    

H.A.K.A.S.

Neighbors

I'm not an overly religious or spiritual man, but it states in the Bible eight different times to love our neighbors. As much as I try to obey God's request, the issue is that neighbors are just too darn annoying and irritating to love.

Come and follow me, as I take you on a journey of getting to know two of Jonno's lovely neighbors.

Max: late 40s/early 50s, Persian, male, unemployed and lives with his friendly wife. Max is an extremely nice and sweet human being, but unfortunately he is always around. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, if I’m leaving or returning. Max is always there, smoking a cigarette. He has the tendency to ask the most random questions and requests. Here are some of Max’s greatest hits:

·       One day Max told me I have a beautiful voice. I looked at him perplexed because I had no idea what he was talking about. He then pointed to my shower window and explained he enjoyed listening to me sing. Maybe my dream of being a member of the boy band One Direction isn't so far fetched after all?  

·        Staying on the shower subject, I was listening to music as I showered the other day. I could sense something around me, and as I turned around I saw Max staring at me through my shower window. After he took in a few seconds of me naked, he requested that I turn down the music.

Can you blame Max?

 

 

·      Max wondered why he wasn’t seeing me bring girls back to my place. He explained that I need to be taking more advantage while I’m younger and in my sexual peak.  

·        While I’m in the kitchen cooking food or washing dishes, Max enjoys talking to me through my window. Not only is it annoying, but it feels like I’m talking to somebody in a jail cell.

·       I forgot what holiday it was, but Max gave me a kiss on the cheek. Despite it feeling hairy and wet, I could tell he is a good kisser.

·      One night I heard a baby crying next to my parking spot. It was dark out and I didn’t know where it was coming from. I thought the one man who is always home and never leaves could help me in this desperate situation. I knocked on Max's door and of course he was nowhere to be seen. 

Loud Hipster: early 20s, short, scrawny, thinks he is way too cool for school and lives above me. Before the loud hipster was this quiet and considerate girl who's last name was "Alf." (Probably the best last name known to mankind) When the loud hipster move in, I could sense he reeked of somebody who would be trouble. The thing I don't understand is that the kid probably weighs 160-170 pounds, but sounds like Bigfoot when he walks around in his apartment above me.




Is it just me or did anybody else find "Harry and the Hendersons" frightening as a child?

Every time the loud hipster is ready to leave, it sounds like there is an earthquake about to erupt. And for some reason he can’t just go downstairs slow and quietly, he races down the steps like his feet are on fire. In addition he always seems to return home late at night, so little poor baby Jonno gets woken up from his beauty sleep.

The worst incident came on a Saturday night/Sunday morning at 3am. Of course it had to happen a night when I had to wake up at 7am for the first day of filming of my hilarious web series “Howard Gets an Interview." (Shameless plug). I was sound asleep and suddenly woken up by a thunderous “boom." I didn’t know what the heck it was and then the “boom” happened again. This time the sound was so loud it shook the walls of my apartment. After putting two and two together, I realized the loud hipster had locked himself out after a night of drinking. Instead of crashing at a friend’s place, the rocket scientist had the bright idea to try and kick his door in.

I could hear him grunting each time he wound up for another blow to his door. I thought about saying something, but realized I wouldn’t get anywhere with an obliterated individual. I then heard him crying and shouting “I just wanna go home!” I was unfortunately too tired and pissed off to enjoy the comedy. Finally he gave up and ran down the stairs. Right as I thanked God that the drunken loud hipster storm had passed over, he gets a second wind and runs back up the stairs. After another 10 minutes of booming kicks the loud hipster stopped for good and went somewhere else to cry like a baby.

The incident could have been a lot worse, if it wasn't for my neighbor Max spooning me in bed and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I don't know what is, but he just makes me feel safe. 



H.A.K.A.S

Jonno The Dark Knight

This past weekend I had the pleasure of seeing the “The Dark Knight Rises.” All I can say is what a movie! From the first minute on I was hooked and caught up in the story. That’s saying a lot given the movie is a 160-minutes long and I have the attention span of a baby chimpanzee. Surprisingly, the star of the movie was not Christian Bale, it was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Who would have thought the young kid from "3rd Rock From the Sun" would become such a phenomenal actor? If I was a gambling man, I would have put my money on the squinty guy.


Anne Hathaway provided some much needed sass and Tom Hardy's voice was creepy enough to pull off the villain role. Although, I probably need to see it again to understand half of the things he said. I'm not sure what happened to Michael Caine's character, Alfred in the last four years. His character transformed from a butler to a Jewish mother, nagging Bruce Wayne to settle down and find a wife.

 

"Brucie, I know a great girl for you! She's a teacher, great personality and such a cute figure. Are you really going to wear that tie with that wrinkled shirt? Oy!"

Major kudos goes to creative genius, Christopher Nolan for making a satisfying ending to one of the best trilogies in cinematic history. If only more people could make movies like this, it would be a better world.

So, I saw the movie at 4:15 p.m. on a Saturday at the Arclight Dome Theater in Hollywood. For those that don’t know, the Arclight is probably one of the most popular theaters in LA and is right off Sunset Blvd., a highly trafficked street. When I strolled into the theater lobby, I surprisingly did not see any extra security. That might explain why this obese Caucasian male, late 40s/early 50s, wearing all black and carrying a small duffel bag waddled into the theater with 30 minutes left of the movie. He sat in the aisle seat of the last row and immediately everyone looked back to stare at him.

Given the horrible and sickening incident that happened in Colorado, everyone was overly alert and on guard. About three or four people got out of their seats and exited the theater. It was unclear if they were getting security or if they just left because they were scared out of their minds. Right as I thought about getting up to find a theater employee, two security dudes entered the back of the theater. They were literally standing right behind the sketchy dude, but appeared confused. They then began to walk the wrong way, to the other side of the row.

Even though all this was going on during the most pivotal point of the movie, I knew protecting society was more important. I thought to myself "What would Batman do in this situation?"

I got out of my seat, grabbed the security dudes and pointed them to the sketchy man. It was a bit awkward because the sketchy man saw me pointing at him and heard me say "That's the guy!" A few moments later security got him to leave the theater.

As I walked back to my seat, I was hoping for a standing ovation from the theater crowd, for my heroic deed. Instead, I got absolutely no response because they were captivated by the movie. I didn't mind. I realize heroes such as Batman and myself, don't need the recognition or the accolades. As long as the human race feels safe that’s all that truly matters.



To the sketchy man... I apologize for kicking you out of the theater, but you had too many things going against you in the red flag department. Next time you plan to see a movie, I highly suggest you don’t walk in with 30 minutes left, you don’t wear all black, you don’t carry a small duffel bag and you don’t sit in the creepiest seat in the theater. Also, I greatly appreciate that you did not try to attack me when I walked out of the theater.

If any of you would like to send gifts, donations, or baked goods for my heroic efforts, I would be more than happy to send you my contact information.

H.A.K.A.S

A 25-Piece McNugget

I think it's about time we did some McNuggets!

1.After sitting through the movie “That’s My Boy”, the only fair retaliation would be for me to kidnap Adam Sandler and give him a dutch oven for 90 minutes.

2. My mom's description of HBO's "Girls" pilot. "I couldn't believe what I saw. She was having sex from behind and everything!"

3. Lena Dunham is a heck of a talent, but I find it troubling my breasts are bigger than hers.



4. Speaking of breasts, Kate Upton please make some despicable anti-Semitic remark or do something horribly gross that will make me stop obsessing over you.

  I can never stop sharting.

 5. To all the people that attend Farmers Markets... The sliced-up strawberries in the plastic bag are not samples, they are the eaten samples. I unfortunately had to find this out the hard way.



6. After reading about the dangers of bath salt, I took a bath with pepper instead and felt a lot safer.

7. Whenever I walk by a women's work-out class, there is always one out-of-shape guy in the back of the room that looks horribly out of place. The unfortunate part is that I'll probably be that guy in a few years.  

 

8. I would like to apologize to all the people who invested in my kids toy idea called the “Tickle Monster.” Just bad timing.

9. I appreciate the respectful communication I'm receiving from strangers, but if you're significantly older than me there's no reason to call me "Sir."    

10. One of the many reasons I hate the Facebook Timeline feature, is that now everyone knows I was fly girl for "In Living Color" in 1991.




11. I'm beginning to think my Mohel made a mistake during my circumcision. I must hunt him down and have a few words with him.


12. Dear band named FUN, give me one more good single and I'm buying your album.  I have to be cautious because I'm still scarred by the purchase of my Crash Test Dummies CD in 1994.

13. Not sure why John Travolta, just didn’t swap faces with Nicolas Cage before he attempted any sexual assaults.



14. And I'm totally shocked that the star of "Grease" and the person who dressed up in drag in "Hairspray" could be a homosexual.



15. Speaking of homosexuals and Scientology... I have a feeling Katie Holmes and Suri had to escape Tom Cruise like Tim Robbin's character escaped prison in "The Shawshank Redemption."    



16.If there is a job out there that requires you to intentionally avoid people you know when you see them in public, please tell me where I can send my resume. 

17. Memo to all drivers and pedestrians in Los Angeles and across America... Yes, I drive a Prius and I'm fully aware it doesn't make any noise. No need to inform me.

18. Does anybody else get this message when they connect their car bluetooth to their cell? Or is it just me? "Hands-Free connection a Success. You are Not"




19. I’ve come to the realization it's nearly impossible for a man to not fart when he is urinating at an airport urinal.

 

20. Why does the number of plastic bags a person carries, increase exponentially as they get older?



21. After seeing the size of Dan Akyroyd recently, I'm beginning to think he ate John Belushi.  

22. When I went to see "Magic Mike" my disguise did not work and I got noticed.

Any better disguise ideas when I go see the Katy Perry 3D movie?

 23. I think Matthew McConaughey feels just as uncomfortable wearing a t-shirt, as I feel going shirtless.

24. Also, thank you Channing Tatum for putting an end to the stereotype that white guys can't dance. That kid can bust a move.

25. I realize I'm not helping the stereotype by saying "bust a move" in the previous nugget.

H.A.K.A.S

The Suit Jacket

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a wedding in Minneapolis with the good old fiancée (FI). The wedding was for a college friend of the FI and I wanted to make a positive impression. To my own surprise, I was able to accomplish it. I had a good buzz going and I was strutting my stuff on the dance floor.

My Perception

My Reality

Despite my lack of dancing skills, I was feeling good that the FI's friends were seeing a fun version of Jonno.It was around midnight and the wedding was coming to an end. The plan was to take a cab with another couple back to the hotel. Earlier in the night I had taken off my suit jacket and left it on the chair at my table. When I had went back to retrieve it, the jacket was gone.

I scanned the table to see if there were any other suit jackets and I noticed one on the opposite side of the room. I picked it up and realized it was somebody else's Hugo Boss jacket with a pink interior. I looked around at the other tables and there were no jackets to be seen. My suit jacket was indeed gone and I began to panic.

The suit I was wearing was fairly new and one that I had gotten tailored for my heavenly shaped physique. I do own one other suit, but it is a bit older and the jacket fits me like the little kid at the end of the movie “Big.” More importantly, I really did not want to spend the money and time to buy a brand new suit.

I was given an index card to fill out with my information in case somebody returned the jacket. Because I was a neurotic drunken mess, I was concerned that I had written the wrong phone number down. I made a big scene in front of everybody for the FI to track down the guy with the card to ensure the info was correct. Now all of the FI's friends were seeing a different and less likable side of Jonno. 

While all of this is going on, the FI’s friend and her husband were waiting for me with the cab.
In a perfect world, it would have been nice if I played it cool when I got in the cab and been like…

“It’s no big deal. It happens all the time. I’m sure I’ll get the jacket back.”

Unfortunately that did not happen and I decided to go this route...

I want my suit jacket back!!!!

For the 20-minute cab ride I had the brilliant idea to not say one single word. They did their best to include me in the conversation and I just sat there stone-faced. To say the very least it was extremely awkward and I did absolutely nothing to help the situation.

When we got back to the hotel room, I acted like a complete ass to the FI. Despite my immature antics, she was gracious enough to text her friend (the bride) about my jacket. The FI had a hunch that this one drunk doofus at our table might have taken the jacket.

Amazingly enough the next morning we got a text from the bride that the drunken doofus did indeed take my jacket by mistake. Apparently, somebody had taken his jacket so he then decided to continue the idiotic trend and take my jacket. I was then given the phone number of the sister to the drunken doofus since he crashed there that night.

I called and texted the number and heard nothing. The problem was that I had to leave for the airport in an hour. I figured the best case scenario was that the drunken doofus would ship me the jacket in a few weeks. Miraculously enough, I got a text back and the sister told me her drunken doofus brother would drop off my jacket in 30 minutes.

I met the drunken doofus in the lobby and he gave me the jacket. It was an awkward exchange because I wasn’t really sure what I should say or if I should shake his hand. Instead he gave a quick “sorry” and left. I looked at my jacket and there was of course some weird spot on there. I didn’t care if the drunken doofus made nice, sweet love to the jacket because I was just happy to finally have it back.



One thing this incident taught me is to never take off my suit jacket at a wedding. I also learned whoever said to "always be yourself" was totally wrong.  

H.A.K.A.S.

The Awkward Proposal

It was a beautiful, sunny Saturday in Malibu and I was a few hours away from proposing to the GF. The plan was to propose some time after dinner on the beach. For some reason the ring box that I had was abnormally big; it looked like I had a sideways erection in my pocket. Fortunately, the GF was holding onto my wallet which helped the situation a bit. Although, I’m still curious how most lads hold onto the box without it getting noticed.Perhaps, I'll do a scientific study one of these days.

I had made reservations at an upscale restaurant, Geoffreys in Malibu, which was next to the ocean. They gave us a nice romantic table off to the side and everything seemed to be going smoothly. The GF even said she saw a dolphin swimming in the ocean; this unfortunately isn’t a normal occurrence at our usual date spot “Sizzler.”

About 45 minutes into our dinner, celebrity power couple Fergie and Josh Duhamel walk in and are seated at the table right behind us. When I saw them I kind of wanted to scream like a little school girl, but I was able to contain myself and politely elbowed the GF instead. Josh Duhamel was so close to me we were practically rubbing our buttocks against each other. 

I gotta feeling... Tonight is going to be an awkward night.

Then a light bulb went off and I thought to myself... “Why don’t I just propose during dinner?”  We were seated by a large family celebrating a college graduation and also a young prom couple, so there was a positive vibe and good energy surrounding us. Plus, Fergie and Josh Duhamel seemed open for a little banter as they chatted with the prom couple. I thought about what a great story it would be if we celebrated our engagement with two A-List celebrities. Plus, my hopes of a beach-side proposal were squelched after our waitress deemed the stairs down to the ocean “off-limits” for diners. 

We had already finished our main course, so I made a quick trip to the bathroom to get myself psyched up. I sat back down and waited for it to get a little quiet. I wasn’t exactly sure how to initiate the proposal as I’m far from being smooth, or a romantic individual. So I turned to the GF and said “I have a question for you…”

As I suavely pulled out the ring box the GF whispered in a panicky urgency “Jon, please don’t propose to me right now. Please! I don’t want to get embarrassed. I’d rather it just be the two of us!”

The gig was up. Apparently the GF had seen the bulge in my pocket when I walked back from the bathroom; I had tried to explain the bulge was from looking at Josh Duhamel, but she didn’t buy it.

I was in complete and utter shock. All I could think was “Are you kidding me?”  I felt like I had just been caught with my pants down right as I was about to urinate and somebody had yelled “STOP!” I didn’t understand how I could start a proposal, pause it and then continue it somewhere else. I thought about going against her wishes and just forcing the proposal on her, but it didn’t feel right. Plus, I wanted to make a good impression on Fergie because I've always felt my true calling was to be a back-up dancer to the Black Eyed Peas.

So our new plan was to drive on the Pacific Coast Highway and find a good place to stop on the beach. I wasn’t happy with this plan, but there weren't any better options. It was around 9pm when we started driving down the PCH and we struggled to find a good place to stop. It was night time and most of the public beach parking lots were closed. Sometimes I would suggest a spot and the GF wouldn’t like it. Then other times she would suggest a spot and I wasn’t big on it or I would stupidly drive past it.

Finally, I had enough and was desperate to get the proposal over with. I knew if this kept on we would eventually do a “Thelma and Louise” and drive off the Santa Monica Pier. I made a decision to pull over to the side of the road and bust out the ring box. Of course I opened the ring box upside down and causing the ring to fall out of its spot. I said some nice things about the GF and finished the now epic proposal. 

It wasn’t the most romantic spot nor was anything executed efficiently, but nonetheless it was a proposal in true Jonno fashion. Honestly in the end, I don't think any of this matters; what does matter is that little Jonno has a good woman on his side, who for some odd reason is willing to put with all of his annoying and irritating idiosyncrasies. God bless her.

My only concern now is that come wedding day she’ll stop me right before I say "I do" and will beg me in front of 200 people to please find a more private spot to do our vows. If it happens again, I’ll go to Plan B and run off with Josh Duhamel.

H.A.K.A.S.     

The Missing Enchilada

Recently, the red button on my Blackberry Torch decided to die on me. For those of you who still use rotary phones, the red button’s main function is to disconnect or hang-up calls. I must say this has become an annoyance because in order for me to hang up, I have to take the battery out of the phone. This issue got me in a bit of trouble the other night when I got some carry out at Wahoo’s Fish Tacos.

I waddled into Wahoos and ordered two tacos and an enchilada with some rice and beans. Now the enchilada was essential to the meal because it provided some much needed zest and flavor. In other words, the fat kid in me just wanted to eat an enchilada. As they gave me my food, I asked them if everything was in the bag and they gave me the seal of approval.

When I got home, I ripped open the carry-out container and all I saw were rice and beans. I then searched the bag and all I could find were two individually wrapped tacos. My worst nightmare had come true, they'd forgotten my enchilada!

It took me over 20 minutes to drive home so there was no way I was going to drive back there. I was pretty much screwed and I came to the realization that the enchilada and I were never going to have our special moment together.

With no other options, I picked up the phone and called Wahoos to give them a little piece of my mind. I told them I could not believe they could forget my enchilada after I asked them to make sure everything was in the bag. I felt like Liam Neeson in “Taken” when he screams at the kidnappers on the phone after his daughter gets abducted.

Bring me back my enchilada!!!

And by the way, when you call a food establishment to tell them they forgot a $3 item in your order, there’s a little voice in your head that says to you… “Hey chubbs, is this really worth it?  I really don’t think missing out on an enchilada is going to kill you.”

The fat kid in me decided to ignore the little voice and yell at the Wahoos employee a little more. As I’m having some words with him, I look out of the corner of my eye and see a little red sauce poking underneath the rice. I then quickly move the rice out of the way and I find my missing enchilada. For some odd reason it was buried underneath my rice and beans like hidden treasure.

Unfortunately, I’m still on the line with the Wahoos employee, but I’m too much of a coward to admit I found the enchilada. I try to hang up my phone and of course it will not hang up because the friggin red button doesn’t work! The guy on the line is still trying talk to me so I just buried the phone underneath my couch as I made sweet passionate love to the enchilada.

Speaking of scrumptious food... Do you smell that? Because I think can smell some McNuggets!
   

-I want to thank everybody for your support about my audition as Horse #2 for the HBO show “Luck.” To give you an update, the audition did not go very well because I actually died during it.

-I’m kind of upset the “The Hunger Games” stole the title of my soon to be released autobiography about growing up as a fat kid.

-It’s good to see they let the whole cast of “American Reunion” out of rehab to make the movie.


-Is it just me or was “21 Jump Street” not a funny movie? Apparently, I seem to be the only person who thinks this.

-Speaking of Jonah Hill, I watched him host Saturday Night Live recently and on behalf of all the chunksters out there… It’s great to have you back!


-Does it take anyone else longer to think of a suitable subject for the e-mail then to write the actual e-mail?

-I think I’m going to start “liking” depressing status updates on Facebook to confuse people.

-I’ve come to the realization that I’ll never feel satisfied in life until I try the new Dorito taco at Taco Bell.

-The other day when I got out of the shower, for some odd reason I decided to put on my socks first before my underwear. All I can say is that it felt horribly weird and I hope to never do that ever again.

-When people refer to where they live, they need to stop using the word “house” so loosely. If you live an apartment/condo then unfortunately you can’t say house. I just need to make sure my jealously is accurately directed at people who actually own homes. 

-I was at Coffee Bean and this 16-18 year old girl accidentally knocked over this glass bottle of milk as she was on her way out. The glass and the milk splattered everywhere and the staff didn’t make a big deal out of it and cleaned it up. About 3 minutes later, I hear something else hit the ground. I turn around and the same girl spilled as she was pouring something into it. I realize I'm not a judge, but I think it would be legal at this point for the Coffee Bean staff to beat the living snot out of this clumsy girl.


-What’s the deal with restaurants’ fascination of sitting you right next to strangers when there is a plethora of tables available? If this trend doesn’t stop, I’m going to bring the clumsy 16-18 year old girl Coffee Bean girl with me to knock over some plates and glasses.  

H.A.K.A.S 

When Jonno Met His Man Crush

Later this week I’m embarking on a trip to Disney World with the GF and her family. It’s been a while since I’ve been to Mickey’s crib and I couldn’t help but think back to my first visit where I met my non-sexual man crush.

I was in 2nd grade and waiting in line with my dad for Space Mountain. Behind us in line was this rocker dude with long hair, probably around 16-18 years old. He was with two girls and this other taller weird looking rocker gentleman.

While in line, the rocker dude with the long hair kept staring at me. Nowadays, I’m perfectly used to people staring at me and I totally understand why somebody would. Heck, I would also stare at “me” if I saw myself waddling down the street. But as a little kid, I found his excessive staring a bit troubling and it freaked little Jonno out. I also found it strange he wasn’t paying any attention to the ladies he was with and instead was fixated on me.   

He began talking to my dad and was asking questions about roller coasters. Apparently, this was his first roller coaster and he was surprised how calm I was given my young age. Little does he know at 30 years old, I still cover my eyes during scary movie trailers.


The rocker dude was overly nervous and heard rumors that roller coasters make you feel like your stomach drops. Surprisingly, my dad was able to somewhat calm him down and pretty much told him in so many words to pipe down and grow a pair. 

Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you that I don’t have many talents. One of the talents God did bless me with besides an ample bosom was a ridiculous memory. I can remember the most obscure details and I’m pretty good with faces. Although it gets kind of annoying that I can always remember meeting someone, but they don't remember meeting me. If you're hot chick I get it, but if you're ugly there's no excuse.  

So let’s cut to five or six years later and I'm starting to get into music. One of the bands I was into was Nirvana. When I began to see them on MTV, I thought to myself… “God that drummer looks familiar.”

I then put two and two together and realized the rocker dude with long hair staring at me was Dave Grohl! Plus, the taller rocker dude he was with kind of looked like the guitarist, Krist Novoselic.

No wonder he was staring at me and not the girls.

Mr. Grohl must have put some kind of spell on me during our encounter because I’m pretty obsessed with him. I’m not a big fan on going to concerts or music in general, but I’ve probably seen the Foo Fighters live at least five times. Not only is he an amazing performer, but the dude is hilarious! Plus, how cool is that he was this quiet drummer of this legendary band and then starts his own group and has these extraordinary talents that nobody knew of?   

Now I’m still not 100 percent sure that it was indeed Dave Grohl, but a 2007 interview he did with Time Out magazine helped make my theory a little more accurate. In the interview, they asked Mr. Grohl what's it like to be a father(his daughter had just been born) and what he enjoys doing with her. Mr. Grohl replied that one thing he won’t be doing with his daughter is taking her to Magic Mountain (an amusement park in California) because he’s afraid of roller coasters.

The only thing I forgot to mention is the restraining order he has against me. It's only 500 feet so it's not a big deal with binoculars.
  
How about some McNuggets? (What's the deal with the Chicken McBites? How dare they take attention away from my little babies!)


-Speaking of McNuggets... In recent news a woman was charged with offering sexual favors for McNuggets. Now if that's a crime, then I should be incarcerated for life.


-One of the many reasons I won't be getting laid tonight... I cut myself during shaving and left a piece of toilet paper hanging on my neck for the whole day at work.


-I'm very saddened by the death of Whitney Houston, but on the bright side it's finally socially acceptable for me to watch "The Bodyguard" alone and cry myself to sleep.


-I'm confused... When did the bad guy from "The Hangover" start playing for the Knicks and become good at basketball?

Linsanity!

-So get this... I went to see "The Artist" and the friggin sound didn't work! I could hear the music, but I couldn't hear the people speak. And the crazy ticket clerk wouldn't give me a refund. I'm seriously going to boycott any AMC theater for now on. Who's with me?


-Why is it that whenever acquaintances find out that I jog or go to the gym... I always get this pity response of "Good for you!" They almost make me feel that I've somehow been able to defy the odds despite my obesity.


-I went to a friend's one-woman show and it occurred to me that if I ever did a one-man show it would consist of me sitting on the toilet, while I checked my Facebook news feed.


-Staying on the Facebook topic... I'm afraid the Facebook birthday wall epidemic is getting worse and worse. I've mentioned before how to put a stop to this and I'll mention it again... Before you write happy birthday on a friend's wall... Ask yourself, is this friend somebody I would normally call, e-mail or text happy birthday too if it wasn't for Facebook? (FYI, this does not apply to my own birthday on July 6th. Please feel free to give me the attention my ego desperately needs.)


-Another reason I won't be getting laid tonight.. I spent a few hours on this blog entry.


H.A.K.A.S