Finding Love at the Coffee Bean

Throughout our history bars, clubs, parties and other social spots have been the typical places to pick-up on women. Another place you can now add to that list is the Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. Why you may ask?   

The other day I was working on some writing at this establishment. To my right I noticed this Israeli gentleman with a thick accent hitting on these two WASPy women who were taking a coffee break from their catering gig. Given that I have the tendency to be a bit nosy like a Yenta, I took off my headphones to watch this gentleman work his magic. 

Jonno at the Coffee Bean

To my dismay it was more painful to watch than it was enjoyable. The girls did not seem overly responsive to his random questions. One of the girls at least acknowledged his existence so he began to focus on her. As she was getting ready to leave he asked for her digits, but she asked for his number instead. In other words, the Israeli gentleman will never hear from this girl again.

Despite the rejection, I was in awe of his persistence and dedication. Twenty minutes later I noticed him chatting it up with a blonde outside on the patio. I knew at that moment, I had to introduce myself and learn this man’s life story. Unfortunately, since I have a penis he refused to talk to me.

A few days ago at the same Coffee Bean, I witnessed a similar interaction that blew my mind. It was so good that I decided to transcribe it for you in screenplay format.           

INT. COFFEE BEAN – DAY

An ATTRACTIVE GIRL, early 20s, puts sugar into her coffee. A PREPPY DUDE, late 30s, walks up to her and makes a little small talk. They share a laugh.

PREPPY DUDE: So what brings you here?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh, I’m just meeting with a friend of mine.

PREPPY DUDE: That’s cool. Very cool.

Awkward silence.

PREPPY DUDE: You know you should come to this party I’m having this weekend. It’s actually a charity party. (Question: Do charity parties even exist?)  

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Oh… Okay.

PREPPY DUDE: Here, I’ll give you my number and you can text me yours back. 

Preppy Dude forcefully tells the girl his digits as she types it into her phone.

PREPPY DUDE: Cool. It should definitely be a good time.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Sounds good.

PREPPY DUDE: By the way, how old are you?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: 17.

Preppy Dude’s calm look turns to shock.

PREPPY DUDE: Oh God, don’t call me. Yeah really, don’t call me.    

Preppy Dude embarrassingly walks away, while Jonno bursts out in laughter. 

END OF SCENE

You know what time it is? I think you know... Because it's time for a 6-piece McNugget!

1. I find it alarming that our country’s biggest issue is being ignored in these presidential debates… How to stop our parents from joining social media sites.  

2. Speaking of these debates, does the fact that I still own a trapper keeper of grade school female crushes make me a viable candidate for the 2016 presidential election?

3. Ben Affleck did such an outstanding job with “Argo” I feel I owe it to him to sit through “Gigli."

4. My favorite part of Taylor’s Swift’s new song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is that it reinforces I still have a chance with Jake Gyllenhaal.

So you're saying there's a chance...

5. Whenever I fly Virgin Airlines, I feel like I've just been cast in a 70s porn film.   

6. If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to trick her into thinking that's after she turns 17 her age stays the same for rest of her life.


H.A.K.A.S