When Jonno Met Kimmel

Recently the lady and I attended a foodie charity function at Culver Studios. The event featured some of the top chefs in the country and was for a great cause, Alex’s Lemonade Stand.  When I first heard about the ticket price for the event, I practically fainted. Then I read a little more about it and saw that my idol Jimmy Kimmel was the emcee for the festivities. I rationalized the price and told myself it would ultimately benefit both of us from a networking perspective and if money was an issue I could always go back to stripping on the weekends. (I just hope the Jewish retirement home will take me back after the last incident.)  

At the event I saw Kimmel right away and his producer friend. Ironically, I was interviewing with his producer friend the following week. Bonus! I waddled up to his friend and quickly introduced myself. I then gave them their space because I was hopeful there would be another opportunity with Kimmel later in the day. 

The food at the event was phenomenal. The best part was that you didn’t have to wait in long lines for the tastings. At the same time maybe this wasn’t such a good thing, because after 45 minutes of stuffing my face in the heat, I felt extremely sick. To read more about the scrumptious food at the event, check out my lady’s blog here.

The item that put me over the top was “Top Chef “season 6 winner Michael Voltaggio’s dish. He made a breaded chicken dish served in oyster shells on top of a bed of salt rocks. When I took a bite some of the salt rocks stuck to the chicken. Being the idiot that I am, I figured the salt rocks were part of the dish and ate two of them. Remember doing beer bongs in college? Well I felt like I had just done a salt water bong and immediately turned green and thought I was going to vomit. Fortunately, my inner fat kid called me a "puss" and I powered through by eating a fried chicken leg and some desserts.

Some of the other celebs at the event were Laura Dern, Jason Ritter, Lena Dunham, Allison Williams (Brian William’s daughter), Timothy Olyphant, Phil Rosenthal (Creator of “Every Loves Raymond”), Jim O’Heir (Jerry from “Parks and Recreation”), Harold Perrineau (Michael from “Lost”) and musician Michelle Branch. I chatted with Jason Ritter a little bit and he was an extremely down-to-earth guy and Jim O’Heir could not have been friendlier or sweatier.

When I spoke with Lena Dunham, I attempted to impress her with my witty sense of humor.

Jonno awkwardly taps Lena Dunham on the shoulder.

Jonno: I just have to say as a 31-year-old Jewish male, I can’t thank you enough for empowering women and helping them embrace their sexuality.

Crickets. Lena Dunham stares at Jonno blankly.

Lena Dunham: Oh, thanks.

Despite bombing horribly in front of her, she was still gracious enough to take a picture with me.

Promoting getting peed on in the shower awareness

Later in the day, I saw my opportunity to chat with the one and only, Jimmy Kimmel. After I introduced myself, I said something overly cliché to him about being a fan. He was able to recognize me right away from earlier in the morning and started laughing.

“You better run for the hills” said Kimmel. “Run as far away possible.”

Kimmel was referring to his producer friend, who I guess has the reputation of being a little demanding. I can’t remember exactly what I replied because it was such a surreal experience. I watch Kimmel every night on television and here I was sharing a laugh with him. The best part about him is that he has the same charismatic personality that he displays on television. Unbeknownst to me the lady was wise enough to take the perfect action shot as I was talking to him.

Love at first sight

Despite the ridiculously priced ticket, the scorching heat, and that fact that I almost overdosed on salt, I am extremely pleased to have attended the event and am looking forward to heading back next year. Now if I can only figure out how to deal with the restraining order Kimmel has against me... 

Do you smell what I smell? Oh yeah, it’s a 6-piece McNugget:

 

1. I don’t know if you heard the news already, but I have been cast to star opposite Larry David in “Looper 2: Oy! How dare you double-dip my chip!”

2. Speaking of Seinfeld, I recently saw Jason Alexander when he hosted an event at the Hollywood Bowl and was very upset to see this…

George Costanza having hair is equivalent to Bill Cosby changing his pigment to become white.

3. I'm beginning to question my masculinity after I walked by a squirrel the other day and it didn't run away or even flinch. All it did was laugh and throw a pine cone at me.

4. The second my parents tell me they have their own web series, I'm going to drive off a cliff Thelma & Louise style. 

5. I’m really bummed about how my lemonade stand is struggling. Apparently nobody wants to buy the goods from a 31-year-old male who isn’t wearing pants.

6. Can we please stop with the horribly scary movie trailers whenever I see a rated-R film in the theaters? The price of the ticket is expensive enough, so the last thing I need to do is buy new pants after soiling myself. (See the above nugget for more proof). 

H.A.K.A.S