Home Improvement

Look people, I’m aware I have many flaws. One of my most frustrating weaknesses is that I’m the least handy person in the world. Maybe I’m too dumb? Too uncoordinated? Too Jewish? Whatever the case is, I just don’t have a brain for it. 

Whenever a small thing goes wrong in my apartment, I have to call my landlord’s son, Mario, to fix it. He’s in his early 50s, a good guy and appreciates me as a loyal tenant. But I can tell he’s starting to get annoyed that I’m bothering him for the most mundane issues. For example, a few weeks ago my towel rack fell off in the bathroom and I had to call him to fix it. After that incident I was hoping nothing else would fall apart in the next few months to save whatever dignity I had left.

Unfortunately, my wish did not come true and the the light went out in the kitchen. Now this would normally not be a big deal because changing light bulbs is one of the few things I can actually do. The issue is that the light bulbs in the kitchen are enclosed in a glass circular bowl that can be difficult to get off. At least for me…

Last year the lights went out in another room that had the same glass bowl. I tried to be proactive and remove the glass bowl myself and ended up taking down the whole light fixture and wires were left dangling from the ceiling. Given that experience, I was a bit timid to change the kitchen lights. At the same time, I was also hesitant to call Mario and bother him. I have this inkling that whenever he sees my name pop up on his caller ID he shouts out obscenities.

I get on my little step stool to take down off the glass bowl and wasn’t having much luck. If I went any further I could tell the same thing was going to happen. With no other choice I called Mario and this is how it went down…

Me: (Cheery) Hey Mario, how’s it going? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

Mario: (A bit gloomy) It was fine. Thanks.

Me: That’s good. I’m sorry to bother you, but the lights went out in the kitchen and if you remember last time I had some trouble with that same light by the bathroom. There’s no rush though, just whenever you’re visiting your parents again.

Mario: I’ll take care of it. Thanks. 

I could tell Mario was irritated by me. It gave me the same unsettling feeling you get when a parent is disappointed in you. I wanted to prove to Mario that I wasn’t a sissy little bitch and was able to change my own light bulbs even if they were enclosed in some random glass bowl.

I got back on the step stool to face the behemoth. I felt like a hunter going into a African jungle to murder his first lion or whatever it is they kill. Underneath the glass bowl was a tiny little screw. The few brain particles I do have helped me realize that the screw could be the pathway to the light bulbs. 

I turned it to the left because I'll never forget when I was younger my dad yelling at me "Left is to loosen for God's sake!" So I turned it a few times... And a little more... My instincts kick in and tell me to turn the glass bowl simultaneously as I'm turning the screw...  And then BOOM! The glass bowl comes off and I belt out a thunderous scream. 

 It felt like I had just won a gold medal in the Olympics. Alright, maybe more like the Special Olympics. In any case, here is the end result... 

How would you like to wake up to this face every morning?

If there is anything I took away from this experience, besides that I'm borderline mentally challenged... It's that you need to attack your obstacles, not avoid them. Because there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Get it? Because you know I replaced the... Okay, I'll stop.

It's the holidays and I'm in the giving mood... So how about a 12-piece McNugget?  

1. I saw the film “Silver Linings Playbook” all I could think was… “God, I bet Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence banged a lot on the set.” 

2. Speaking of hooking up... How come the opposite sex puts more clothes on me instead of taking them off?   

3. God, I’m so way behind on my leftovers… I just finished Thanksgiving 2009.  

4.  Speaking of Thanksgiving eating... After trying on my jeans recently, I feel like I could probably star as Shakira’s body double in “These Hips Don’t Lie” music video. 

5.  In Phillip Seymour Hoffman's next movie, he should just yell and scream for 90 minutes. I would totally go see that. 

Loud Noises!

6. It should be mandatory to give somebody a virus on their computer when they post on Facebook “Life is Good.”

7. Another reason to get a virus on your computer… Is if you’re still posting wedding photos on Facebook a year after the actual wedding. 

8.Twitter is very similar to the vagina... No matter how much I play with it, I'll never fully understand it. 

9. After seeing that ABC's Friday night line-up consists of shows starring Tim Allen and Reba McIntyre… I feel like their advertising slogan should be “We’ll make you feel like you’re reliving the 90s”

10. Bruno Mars “Locked Out of Heaven” is one of those songs I totally love now, but will despise in three months. (A.K.A. “Some Nights” by Fun)

11. "Two and a Half Men" should enlist Angus T. Jones into a scared straight program where  he goes to "Sesame Street" and hangs out with Elmo for a week.
  
12. I don’t know about you guys, but this has been the most exciting NHL season in history.

H.A.K.A.S