A Case of the Mundays

Let's face it, Monday's are really just a huge pile of crap. Nobody likes Mondays. And if you do like Mondays, then there is seriously something wrong with you and probably deserve a good old-fashioned wedgie. Recently, I had the pleasure of having a horrible "Case of the Mundays" and this is how it all went down.  

I'm getting ready to leave for work and I go to grab my wallet. The only problem is that my wallet is nowhere to be seen in the drawer I always leave it in. I start to panic a little bit, but then figure its maybe in the cargo shorts I wore the previous night. I check all four of the pockets and there's no wallet. Now its time for me to officially freak out. 

For those that care to remember, losing my wallet is one of my biggest fears. Actually it's probably more in my top five 

1. Death
2. Car Accident 
3. Any scary movie
4. McDonalds running out of Chicken McNuggets.  
5. Losing my wallet 

The reason for number five is because when I was in college my dad accidentally took my wallet and blamed me for losing it. It pretty much scarred for me life. (You can read about it here.) 

Back to the story... I then try to retrace my streps and recall the last time I had my wallet. (Similar to the episode of "The Cosby Show" when Vanessa left her homework in the fridge.) The previous night I was doing some work at Coffee Bean. Okay to be honest, I was probably doing everything I could to avoid doing work and instead staring awkwardly at other patrons.

Me at the coffee shop. 

I remember using my wallet to purchase something online (I promise it wasn't porn) which meant there's a good chance I indeed left it there. So I call Coffee Bean to see if the kindness of humanity came through and found my wallet. 

ME: Hi, by any chance did someone find a wallet last night? 

COFFEE BEAN BARISTA: Yes, we did. 

ME: Oh great! Is it black? 

(Out of nowhere my wife decides to interject.)

THE WIFE (O.S): It's not black, it's navy!  

ME: Sorry, I mean is it navy? 

COFEE BEAN BARISTA: No, it's black. 

Rather than argue back and forth the color, I figured it was mine and told them I would be right there to pick it up. I waddle into Coffee Bean and the wallet is indeed mine! Thank you God! Someone is indeed watching over me! 

Now I have to figure out what to give them in return. $10? Send pizzas over for lunch? Is that too much money? Is that not enough? What is the etiquette for situations like this? At least with tipping, we know to give 20 percent. Even though they refuse to take any money, I toss $20 on the counter and thank them again. Folks, just refer to me as Jonno WarBucks from now on. 

I assume at this point, all the crazy chaos was over and I could just get to work and start my week. Right? Not so fast big guy! 

Somebody has a "Case of the Mundays."

At my lovely job, we don't have parking. So I have to scour the sketchy streets of Hollywood to find a parking spot. Usually when I'm running late or can't find parking I just park in the Denny's parking lot across the street. Right as I pull into Denny's, I see that its blocked off and under construction for two weeks. Are you friggin kidding me? I then drive around for another 10 minutes looking for parking. Only half of the spots are available because there is street cleaning on Monday. And what the hell does street cleaning actually do? Can you seriously ever say the streets look clean to you?  

I finally come across what appears to be enough of a "gray" area for me to park. But of course there is some Hipster dude sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. Out of all those places to sit and smoke, is the one available parking spot in Hollywood the best place? 

I give him a slight wave to gesture that I would like to park where he is sitting. He sees me and gets up. Whew. Okay. That's a positive start. Then the Hipster Dude starts taking his time and doesn't move of the way. I'm literally sitting there for a few minutes, waiting for him to gather his Hipster belongings. I thought about honking, but didn't really have the energy or chutzpah for any type of confrontation.  

Finally the Hipster Dude moves out of the way and I'm able to park my car. Out of nowhere, I hear someone trying to get into my car. I turn around and it's the Hipster Dude. I don't know what the hell was going on. I mean was I actually getting carjacked? Is this seriously happening right now? Maybe it was shock, but I do my best to hold my composure. Fortunately, my doors are locked and the Hipster Dude isn't trying to break in overly aggressively. So maybe he was just high on something or really out of it. 

I then brainstorm other ideas what this guy could be thinking. I considered driving away, but I really did not want to lose this fabulous parking spot. I slightly roll down my window just enough to talk to him, but not enough so he could stab me... 

JONNO: Hey, what are you doing?

HIPSTER DUDE: What do you mean?

JONNO: Why are you trying to get in my car? 

HIPSTER DUDE: Wait, you're not my Uber driver? 

JONNO: What? No. 

HIPSTER DUDE: Oh, my bad. My Uber driver drives a Prius too. 

We share a chuckle about what just happened and I am just completely relieved that I'm not being robbed. Heck, we even shared a hug and made out a little bit. It's true you really don't know where you will find love these days. Also, all of you should be receiving a SAVE THE DATE in the mail very soon. #Blessed 

I'll tell you one thing that would help cure a Case of the Mundays... And that's a juicy and succulent 6-piece Chicken McNugget. 

1. I was taking a pleasant weekend nap and my wife suddenly wakes me up to tell me that Chrissy Teigen likes a Pho restaurant down the street from us. #PerksOfBeingMarried 

2. My favorite part of going to parties, is when I get to leave them. 

3. Speaking of being a big party guy... Considering starting a music career and calling myself "The Weekday." 

4. I recently saw the "Steve Jobs" movie and I couldn't understand why a guy who looks like Michael Fassbender would lock himself in a garage with a chubby nerd to build computers. 

5. Hey kids, if you want to know Victoria's Secret its that you'll never get a girl who likes that.

6. Developing a new game show: "Is this person trying to carjack me OR do they think I'm their Uber driver? 


H.A.K.A.S  

Excuse Me, Can You Help Me?

Not sure if it's my baby blue eyes, boyish smile, softish/average figure, or my constant dandruff, but strangers seem to always ask me for help. The other day I am waddling into my office building, which is right off of Sunset in a sketchy part of Hollywood (then again every part of Hollywood is sketchy.) Right as I'm about to press the code to enter a gated door, I hear someone behind me yell out "Excuse me, can you help me?" 

I turn around to see a middle-aged man getting out of his car and walking aggressively towards me. Feel free to call me a wuss if you want, but the fact that he was getting out of his car weirded me out. I mean, if the guy wanted directions or something wouldn't he just stay in his car and roll down his window like a sane person? And why did he have to approach me with such an aggressive manor? I'm not saying he needed to skip or gallop, but let's just say he didn't make the best first impression.  

The man was probably in his mid-to-late 40s. average height/weight and looked like the comedic actor Matt Walsh from "Veep," but with hipster glasses. He kind of looked like someone who you would hear about in the news going postal and murdering everyone at a coffee shop. (Where I am currently as a write this. And why is some random man staring at me? Maybe I should go home.)  

HELP ME JONNO! 

In the split-second, two quick scenarios popped in my head about what this guy was going to do to me. 

1) Immediately punch me in the face and take my wallet. 

2) Somehow manage to chloroform me, put me in his car and live in his basement for the rest of my life. 

Also, if this guy was going to indeed attack me. Why me? I get that internally I'm a wuss, but you think most people would choose other targets than a 6'3/200lb male (rounding down) in his 30's with decently broad shoulders. (My mom told me once they looked broad) 

I respond to him and say, "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm late to work," and frantically try to open up the gated door. In an extremely irritated tone, the man says "Fine!" gets in his car and drives off. It puzzled me as to why he would drive off, if he was in such desperate need of help. I mean why not wait for the next, klutzy, tall, awkward Jew to walk by and ask for help? I probably will never know what that man actually wanted, but at least I am alive to write about it. For now... (The guy at the coffee shop is still staring at me) 

A few days later, I was put in a similar predicament. I was heading out for a jog at around 7am (I'll wait for your shock to ware off) and am stopped by a random gentleman trying to prop open the door of my apartment building. He says, "Excuse me, can you help me?"  

All I could think is here we go again... And how about the timing of this? If I just would have been 15 seconds earlier or later I probably could have avoided this. Why God? Why????
This gentleman was also in mid-to-late 40s, but had a British accent, which made it even more suspicious. He kind of looked like that Desmond character from "LOST."

HELP ME JONNO!

Desmond explains that he was moving in and something was not working correctly with his keys. I told him I can't help him and to contact the Apartment Manager. (Like any other human would do when they first move into an apartment building) Plus, why the hell should I believe him? It wasn't too long ago that the car parked next to us in our parking garage was broken into and stolen. I will also admit I wasn't the most pleasant, since I am not a morning person and not extremely excited about my upcoming physical activity. 

Desmond rejects my reluctance to help him and continues to show me his keys. I tell him again that he needs to contact the apartment manger, like every single tenant in apartment living history. Desmond glares at me and says sarcastically "Great to meet you neighbor." 

Later that morning, I call the apartment manager to let them know about Desmond. And of course the husband (of the apartment manager) answers who is elderly, South-African, and not the easiest to understand. I explain to him what happened...

Jonno: Do you know of a British Man that is supposed to be moving?

Elderly/South African Apt. Manager: What did you say? 

Jonno: Is there a British Man moving in?  

Elderly/South African Apt. Manager: No, I don't believe so.  

Ah-Ha! I was right that Desmond was a phony and up to no good! In that moment, I felt like a hero and that I saved the apartment building and the tenants from a dangerous individual. Until...

Elderly/South African Apt. Manager: Oh wait! Did you say a British Man? Yeah, he's moving in to the unit right next to the elevator. 

Jonno: Lovely. Wonderful. Thanks for your help. 

CUT TO: Me being attacked by the Matt Walsh look-alike (from story #1) and the only person that can help me is Desmond. Instead of helping, Desmond jumps in and beats my ass as well. 

I'll tell you one thing, I would be willing to help in any situation and that's a juicy and delectable 6-piece Chicken McNugget

1. Pitching a new game show: "How in the hell do I know that person on my Facebook news feed?" 

2. I was so moved by "A Football Life" about Doug Flutie that I'm going to reduce my height to 5'9.   


3. Is it just me or does the latest winner of HBO's "Project Greenlight" look kind of like another famous TV personality?  

4.  After attending the LA Podcast Festival and meeting podcast fans, I think there needs to be more podcasts about the importance of grooming and good hygiene. 

5. Spoiler Alert: In "The Intern" Robert DeNiro teaches Anne Hathaway life lessons that will help her grow and become a better all-around individual.  

6. My biggest disappointment from the Emmys is that I did not win for best supporting chin in a dramatic series. 

Snubbed

H.A.K.A.S. 

The Karate Kid

The 80s was a fascinating decade that had plenty of Ups and Downs. For example, some of the "Ups" were Michael Jordan, Capri Suns and Alf, while some of the "Downs" were the Cold War, AIDS and my entrance into this world. Recently, I was reminded of one of the "Ups," which was the movie "Karate Kid." Seeing this movie again proved it is truly one of the best all-around movies in history. And if you have nothing else better to do with your life (like me) check out 8 reasons why.  

1. Emotion: I rarely ever cry during a movie, but as a kid I recall weeping my chubby little heart out during the tournament when it appeared Daniel had no hope as Johnny was intentionally injuring him. Even watching that scene recently, I wanted to jump into the screen and help save Daniel. (Spoiler Alert: Daniel ends up winning and is able to fully heal from his injuries.) And if you care to know, I almost cried in the underrated movie “About Time” when the main character goes back in time one last time to hang with his dad on the beach before he dies. (Excuse me… I'm a bit Ver Clempt and need to step away.)

2. Bad Guy: Come on. Is there really a better bad guy in movie history than Johnny? The guy truly oozes douchebaggery and cockiness. How the hell could you not friggin hate this him? He’s good-looking, athletic, rich, embarrasses Daniel in public, and treats his girl like crap. And where is this dude's Oscar? His karate moves and choreography are off the hook. (Working on my hipness) Plus, to make this movie even more believable the actor said in a recent interview that he is still best friends with the guys who were part of the Kobra Kais! (Villain Shout-out: Also goes to the teacher, Kreese. Man, was that guy a manipulative piece of crap!) 

3. Iconic Quotes: "The Karate Kid" has some of the most memorable quotes that we still obnoxiously repeat 30 years later.

"Wax on, wax off." 

Not only did this scene teach me how to wash a car, but also how to masturbate.

"Sweep the leg." 

This is also what my mom would say to me when the deli guy didn't give us enough lean corned beef.

    4. Daniel LaRusso: We really don't see many characters like Daniel LaRusso anymore. Typically the protagonists in these type of movies are geeky, lack confidence, schlubby, awkward... (Woah, just realized I'm pretty much describing myself here.) But Daniel is the complete opposite. He's cool, calm, athletic, tough as nails and has a way with the ladies.  

   5. Elizabeth Shue: Speaking of ladies... (Segue!) Even at the ripe age of 21, Alli with an "I", stole every young boy's hearts and made us desperately want her to be our babysitter. (Sorry for the creepiness factor)

"Adventures in my Pants" Am I right?

6. Improv Scene: In my 20s I attempted to do improv for a few years in Chicago. (I'll wait for your applause.) I was an extremely average improviser because as my mother kindly described during one performance, "I looked like I was constipated." My best performance came during one of my final shows at IO (A.K.A. Improv Olympic.) Every show the audience would give some sort of suggestion and for this particular show it was "the 80s." So I came into the scene and said "Mom, Dad, Sis... I saw the best movie ever! And I have to take karate."

I fully realize that line is not overly humorous, but because everyone grew up with "The Karate Kid" they erupted with laughter. During the middle of the scene, I get interrupted by some random dance music. I didn't know what the hell was going on, or what to do. So I just decided to beat the crap out of my improv family with Karate Kid moves and the audience went nuts. #humblebrag #StillBadAtImprov

P.S. After the show, the DJ told me he hit some button by mistake and did not intend for the music to play. #NotSureIfIShouldHaveToldThisStory #StopWithTheHashTags

 7. Cameos: Not only did this film feature great character and actors, but there were also stellar cameos that you may have missed. 

-Frances Bay was Daniel's crazy, older neighbor with dog. You know her best from "Seinfeld" as the lady that Jerry steals the marble rye from and of course Adam Sandler's grandmother in "Happy Gilmore."

-Larry B. Scott was one of the fellow karate contestants that Daniel beats the crap out of in the tournament. We know him best as the flamboyant Lamar in "Revenge of the Nerds" and also from the highly underrated "Space Camp." 

        (Rumor has it, these two had a steamy romance on set)

    

  8. Music: Believe it or not some of the music from the movie still holds up with such gems  as "Cruel Summer" by Banarama and of course the chilling, but ultra-motivating "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito. And if you have never danced to this song in the confides of your home in just your underwear... Then frankly you haven't lived. 

Just try to block-out that this is the actual singer of the song

There's really one thing that's more satisfying than watching "The Karate Kid" and that's a delicious and mouth-watering 6-Piece Chicken McNugget. 

-

1. Every time I see a skateboarder practice their moves, I really just want to to say to them.... "You realize, nothing will come from this, right?" (Some may think the same thing about this blog entry as well)  

2. I might not have any role models in sports, but I do have a ROLL Model thanks to Penn State's Freshman Kicker.  

It's probably the Freshman 75

3. Staying on the sports subject...  If Aaron Rodgers and Olivia Munn have a child together, it's going to have a great arm with nice tits.


4. My biggest takeaway from the film "No Escape" is to NOT take your wife and kids to Thailand when there are riots going on and they want to kill you. 


5. From my parents, I've learned that older people not only suffer from memory loss, but also from severe butt-dialing.  


6. Some people have resting bitch face, but I suffer from resting double-chin face. 


H.A.K.A.S 

Deep-Fried

The other weekend I had the distinct pleasure of going to the Ventura County Fair. We were going with another couple to see Huey Lewis and the News perform. (Younger Peeps: They are a band that had several hit songs in the 80s, mainly from the movie “Back To the Future.”) (Even Younger Peeps: “Back to the Future” is an iconic movie from 1985.) (Note to myself: God, am I getting old.) 

Moving On... I enter the fair, look around and I'm immediately slapped in the face with culture shock. 

Me at the Country Fair

I feel like I'm part of "The Jerry Springer Show" meets "COPS" reunion. It's a bit overwhelming and I start freaking out at the wife about wanting to leave. She tries to calm me down by telling me that we'll get something to eat. Typically this tactic of distracting me with food works effectively. However, since my "free smoothie" incident (previous blog entry) I've been tracking my calories by using the delightful "MyFitnessPal" app. (More like "MyFitnessAnnoyingEnemy!" LOL! Okay, I'll stop and go back to crying inside.)


Also, trying to eat healthy at a fair is near impossible. It’s like trying to avoid having sex at an orgy. (Sorry that was the best analogy I could think of) Everywhere you turn there is a booth offering some delectable deep-fried goodie. Heck, even one of the fellow fair-goers tried to take a bite out of my ass because they thought it was deep-fried. (Which is quite juicy if I might add) 

I then stumble upon a booth that was selling chicken kabobs. I thought to myself, "How bad could grilled chicken and veggies be for you?" I considered asking them how many calories were in the kabobs, but I stopped myself because I know a question like that can get you stabbed at a county fair. So I order the kabobs, but the concession employee has a look of concern.

Concession Employee: Sorry, but we’re still cooking the kabobs.

Jonno: Oh, do you know how long that will take?

Concession Employee: Uhh… A little over an hour.

Are you friggin kidding me? What the heck are they grilling here?

This might explain why

Unfortunately, it was back to the drawing board. I notice a Mexican food stand with some sort of healthy sign and give it a shot. The line is literally taking forever and barely moving. And to make matters worse, I have this older woman behind me yacking it up and practically stepping on the back of my heels. I mean what’s the deal with people? Doesn’t anyone have a sense of space anymore? On top of all this, the cash register gal is repeatedly yelling for everyone to get in two lines when there is only one register. 

After 10-15 minutes of waiting, it’s finally time for me to order. For whatever reason, something comes over me and I’m just not getting a good vibe. I don’t know if it was the older yapper, the annoying cash register gal, or just my insanity… But I decide to walk away. And I'm sure you are wondering, "Why couldn't I have made that decision 10 minutes prior?" Good question. I'll ask my therapist at the next session and get back to you. 

Meanwhile, the wife and the other couple are eating together at a table wondering if I got abducted or ran away. At this point, I knew I had to make a decision and make it fast. I see a seafood stand and decide to waddle over. They of course have a bunch of fried fish and shrimp, but then I notice at the bottom of the menu a Salmon Burger.  Bingo! I order the sandwich and am already getting a much better vibe than the Mexican food joint. Just like how Kate Beckinsale was always meant for John Cusack in the extremely underrated movie "Serendipity," the salmon burger was always meant for Jonno. 

The sandwich is finally ready and I'm absolutely starving. I take a big bite, but can sense something tastes a little off. I look at the sandwich to find that the salmon burger is... Not barbecued... Not baked... Not sautéed... But instead it was... 

(Drum Roll please) 

Deep-Fried. 

I'll tell you one thing I'll eat that's deep-fried... A scrumptious and succulent 6-piece McNugget.  

1. The other day I was replying to an email chain at work, where I made a little joke about my former company. I then look at the email and see that I accidentally copied a former co-worker from that same company on the email. Yeah... Umm... I think it's time I just stick with sending messages via telegram or carrier pigeon. (P.S. I hate myself) 

2. Dreamt that I attended a Donald Trump magic show, but this woman sitting next to me kept touching my forehead and bothering me. It was extremely irritating because I paid good money to see Donald Trump's magic show.

3. Note to all wealthy men: Follow the George Costanza rule of only hiring nannies/secretaries that you don't find attractive.

That's right Ben Affleck, I'm talking to you! 

4. Speaking of younger gals... I was extremely sad to hear that Alex from "Modern Family" opted for breast reduction surgery. She really had a bright future ahead of her. 

5. I was jogging and some random older man yells at me, "It's too hot to run!" It's situations like these that make me more flexible on gun laws. 

6. I'm a little late on this, but was extremely saddened about the passing of Rowdy Roddy Piper. Not only did I grow up watching him wrestle, but also had the pleasure of working with him as well. I'll of course never forget the time he accidentally locked himself in the janitor's closet, when he was trying to find the restroom. But the thing that will always stick with me was when he told everyone at our office that if we knew of any sick children, he would go out of his way to visit them at the hospital. Truly one of the most talented and nicest people you will ever meet. 

H.A.K.A.S.   

Free Smoothie

The other day my co-worker comes back from lunch with great excitement to tell me that a woman is handing out free smoothie coupons a few blocks away from our office. He urges me to get one right away. He had a point, not only are smoothies quite scrumptious, but we all love free stuff. (Especially people with my DNA) Heck, just re-watch any episode of "Oprah" when she gives away free stuff, the audience goes absolutely bonkers.

This is also how I act when I enter Costco

So I venture outside and waddle down the street to claim my free prize. It was a hot, humid day so I was a bit parched and in much need of a cool beverage. At a busy intersection I could see a large tent that said the “The Body Factory” and a gal was standing there with a stack of coupons. I walk towards her with a giant grin on my face and we make eye contact. 

Rule #1 for getting free stuff: Always fake being extra polite. 
Rule #2 for getting free stuff: Act surprised
Rule #3 for getting free stuff: Bring funny glasses in case you want seconds. 

I slyly stick out my hand for the coupon and come away with absolutely nothing. Zippo. Zilch.  What the heck? I knew she saw me. I considered asking her for a coupon, but of course my wussy nature stopped me. I also didn’t want to be "that guy" begging for free stuff. However, at Costco I'm much more aggressive with the free samples because I feel more at home there. 

Then a light bulb went off in my head... Maybe this smoothie gal is being selective with who she gives out the coupons to? Given that the place is called “Body Factory” maybe she was only looking for prospective customers that are fit and athletic. Similar to my co-worker.

I then stand back in a corner for a little private investigation. A few people walk by, that are a bit on the portly side, and she doesn’t even flinch. A few moments later, this slender, stylish dude in a pink button-down shirt walks over… And BINGO! The smoothie gal goes out of her way to give him a coupon!

I couldn't believe it! I mean who does this gal think she is? I wanted to run (or waddle) and report her discrimination, but who could I tell? Lena Dunham? Kelly Clarkson? Or whichever celebrity is currently fighting for the chunksters? I remember Tyra Banks went on that tirade a few years ago where she yelled "Kiss my big, fat, black ass!” But unfortunately Tyra has been MIA and I don't believe anyone really wants to find her. 

The other thing is that I wouldn't classify myself as someone in horrific shape. I'm totally aware I'm no Channing Tatum. (Side Note: Didn't love Magic Mike XXL" but did enjoy his sick dance moves) However, I do make a decent effort to take care of myself. Most of you don't even realize that I have to work out four times a week just to maintain average.  

This is how I would look if I didn't exercise

So I do my walk of shame back to the office and my co-worker takes notice that I'm empty-handed. 

Co-Worker: Where's your smoothie? You saw her right?

I had two choices here: Do I be honorable/ethical and tell the truth? Or do I lie and risk any future extra embarrassment/humiliation? You better believe I f'in lied my tuckus off!

Jonno: Nah, I just decided to go the other direction to Starbucks.

This weak attempt at a lie wasn't apparently enough for my nosy co-worker.

Co-Worker: But why? It's free! 

He had a point. What would make me turn down such a delicious and scrumptious treat? I needed to think of something good and fast. I had no other choice, but to steal from the very best. My inspiration. And that individual is Tyra Banks. So I replied...

I'll tell you one thing that will never discriminate me for how I look... And that's a mouth-watering 6-Piece Chicken McNugget!

1. I was getting ready to use the restroom at work, but then I suddenly get a phone call. I check my phone and it's an LA number. Given that I don't get many phone calls, I was excited and decided to answer it. I hadn't officially started my "business" yet and was standing up, fully clothed. It turns out it's a female client from one of the agencies we work with.

Female Client: Hi Jonno, how are you doing?

Jonno: Oh hi! I'm doing--

Suddenly the automatic flush on the toilet goes off. I am completely flabbergasted and frozen. There is literally 8 seconds of awkward silence. Until...

Female Client: Do you want me to call you back?

Jonno: That's probably a good idea.

2. My in-laws were in town and staying at a nice hotel. They invited me over to the hotel pool and I suddenly became an extra in a Schmitt's Gay SNL commercial. 

Not that there's anything wrong with that

3. Speaking of sexy men, but I'm currently in talks to star in the prequel to Magic Mike: "Magic Mike XS." 

4. Because my side profile is way more attractive than my front profile, I'm going to start walking sideways from now on. 

5. Hosting a new game show where contestants have to guess if I have... "Sunburn or Rosacea" (Chances are it's the latter.) 

6. You know you are getting old when you ask your wife to explain how Periscope works and she replies, "Isn't that what pirates use to see things that are out of sight?" 

H.A.K.A.S

Directionally Challenged

I have never been someone with a good sense of direction. Before GPS, I once had to pick-up a co-worker who lived 5 minutes away from me and it took me over an hour because I got lost. I get spun around so easily, every time I exit a parking garage I feel like I'm playing a game of the pin the tail on the donkey. 

Me exiting a parking garage

Despite being directionally challenged, people always seem to come up to me and ask me for directions. I’m not exactly sure why, but apparently I have a very trustworthy face. 

Not only do adults trust me, but ethnic babies as well.

For example, the other day I was waddling down the hall at work and I pass by the one and only Katie Couric. I can sense she’s in a hurry and Katie says to me…

Katie Couric: Excuse me, do you know where the elevator is? I need to get to Suite 300.

Jonno: Sure thing. Follow me.

Katie Couric: Thanks! 

Jonno: No problem!

I bring Katie to what I think is the elevator and all we see is a large construction wall. Unbeknownst to me the nearest elevator was being renovated. She turns to me with somewhat of a disappointed look.

Jonno: (Stammering) Sorry, didn’t realize it was under construction. Let’s go to the other one.

We then have a long, silent and awkward walk to the opposite side of the building and part ways. Now this would not be the biggest deal if a similar situation did not occur a few weeks earlier. I was waddling down the hallway once again, but this time on the 2nd floor. Oscar winning screenwriter, John Ridley (“12 Years a Slave”) was walking with a group of people and he asks me…

Oscar Screenwriter: Excuse me, do you know how to get back to the parking garage?

Jonno: Sure thing. Follow me.

I walk them to the closest elevator and it’s blocked off because this elevator was also under construction. I have no idea how I could forget this, since I have not been able to use that elevator for the previous two months. I turn to the Oscar Screenwriter and his entourage…

Jonno: Sorry, I’m a little out of it today. 

I laugh nervously, but instead of laughing back they just stare blankly at me. We then do the long awkward walk of shame to the other elevator. I try to make a little small talk, but it’s not really working. As we approach the elevator, I press the “down” button for them since they are trying to get to the parking garage. The elevator takes a while and this woman from his entourage gives me a dirty look and presses the button again. She apparently didn’t trust me and figured I was too much of a doofus to know how to operate an elevator. Finally the doors open, we go down to the parking garage and I send them on their merry way. 

Moving forward, I would like all of you to know I am working diligently to improve my sense of direction. I genuinely want to help celebrities (and some regular people if I'm in the mood) get to where they need to go, so I'm studying compasses, maps and learning constellations. And if you would like to continue reading this blog, please scroll "UP" to read more. 

I may not be good with directions, but I am good with a juicy, delectable and scrumptious 10-Piece McNugget.

1. Speaking of elevators... How come every time I'm by myself in an elevator and decide to pass gas, someone gets on a second later?  
2. Netflix will be doing a “Full House” reboot. So when Uncle Jesse says “Have Mercy,” he’ll actually be referring to his arthritis this time.
3. Kevin Hart's next movie will be about training a white guy how to act like Kevin Hart in a movie. 
4. If I wrote an episode for “Modern Family” it would be about the family urging the middle daughter to get a breast reduction.
5.  My version of networking is lurking by a successful TV Showrunner/Writer as he is having a conversation.
6. Speaking of networking, I just realized I have never met anyone I am connected with on LinkedIn.
7. Looking forward to the time on "Ryan's Roses" when a married man wants to send his flowers to Ryan Seacrest because he is having an affair with him.
8. Hey there Flatbread, let's just cut the bullshit and call yourself Pizza already. We all know there is no difference.  
9. The moment I can't recognize one single cast member from MTV's “The Challenge,” is the moment I have fully matured as an individual. 
10. When the most exciting part of your weekend is eating samples at Costco and buying an XL drying mat at Bed Bath and Beyond, it might be time to reassess your life.

H.A.K.A.S