Chipotle, Grunting, and Hugh Jackman

I waddled into Chipotle the other day to get some grub. I went with my usual, the burrito bowl with chicken. Now the secret to the burrito bowl is to ask for extra rice. This way you get more food without paying extra. (And btw, I'm fully aware I'm pathetic.) This old trick was taught to me by a friend a few years back. It is very imperative that you get the timing down as to when you ask for the extra scoop of rice. You have to make sure you ask for it right after she's scooped the first serving of. So I admit, I was a little rusty. I haven't had a burrito bowl in a while, so I knew my timing would be a bit off. I focused in on the Chipotle server to the best of my ability. When I felt the timing was right, I asked for my extra rice. I felt did a decent job, after being out of the game for a while. The chipotle server turned to one of her co-workers, said something in Spanish, and laughed. I'm not exactly sure what they said, but my guess is that it's something along the lines of "Hey, check out this cheap fatso trying to get more rice. What a loser." They can say whatever they want, but that's not going to stop me from getting my extra scoop of rice.

Speaking of Chipolte, I had the pleasure of using a public bathroom recently. I was finishing up my business in one of the stalls and some dude bursts into the bathroom breathing extremely heavy, almost panting. The combination of the burst and heavy breathing is never a good sign. It usually means, get out of the bathroom as fast as you can. This is not going to be pretty. And that was exactly the case. The dude gets in a stall, dropped his pants, and starts moaning and grunting like no other. Now, I've dropped some major loads in my day. But never once have I resorted to such obscene and repulsive grunting. Okay, maybe there was that one time with the jalapenos, but in all fairness that was in the privacy of my own home. The grunter would not let up, I thought he was giving birth to octuplets in there or something. I know you're struggling there buddy, but keep the sound effects to yourself. The lesson here is people, whenever somebody bursts into the bathroom at a rapid pace, you get the hell out of there at a rapid pace.

Other McNuggets.... (Sorry, I just drooled on myself.)

-I watched the Oscars the other night. I understand that the reason they chose the hunky, beefcake Hugh Jackman to host, is that they were trying to appeal to all the women out there. But there are a decent amount of men who watch the Oscars. And I don't find Hugh Jackman particularly funny nor entertaining. So the next time you pick some boring stud muffin as a host, at least have some Scarlett Johansson cleavage in the background. It's only fair.

-I was crunching on some pretzels at work the other day in my cubicle. And in my own head the crunching sounded so loud, as if it was Godzilla trying to eat a car. So I became extremely self-conscious about this and wondered if the crunching is as loud to the other people sitting around me? I may just have to tape record myself crunching, to get the bottom of this. Don't worry, I'll let you in on the results.

-I know there is all this controversy over what the hell is up with Joaquin Phoenix and his Letterman appearance. First of all, I highly doubt Joaquin Phoenix was doing some sort of act. The guy has always been a bit on the loony side. His parents were part of a cult, he endured the traumatic death to his brother, and I remember hearing he has some sort of social phobia. But I will tell you this about the guy, he is one hell of an actor. He would be a fool to retire from acting. That would be like me retiring from eating and waddling. If you haven't seen him in "We Own The Night" and "Two Lovers" you're definitely missing out. He's right up there with Leonardo Dicrapio.

-In other news, I've heard reports that Rihanna and Chris Brown are getting back together. Anybody who is falling for this crap, is too gullible. What's going on here , is that she's trying to help Chris Brown's image and get his career back together. It's more of a publicity stunt. I also believe she's trying to play mind games with me, by playing hard to get. Rihanna, I get it. I can play that game if you want, but I'm just too mature for that. If it's really meant to be, we will be together under your umbrella.

I'm Out!

Rihanna & Chris Brown: The True Story

I am very sorry to hear about Chris Brown's and Rihanna's altercation. I hope Chris Brown is properly punished for what he did. But I do have some inside information as to why the incident happened. In one of my previous blogs, I had mentioned that I bumped into Mr. Brown & Rihanna at The Grove movie theater in LA back in August. So this is what happened...

A hot sexy beefcake, Jonno, waddles into a movie theater carrying an extra large bucket of popcorn. He bumps into Chris Brown and Rihanna. Jonno and Rihanna lock eyes. There is mutual attraction. Chris Brown scowls at Jonno with jealousy.

Chris Brown: (To Rihanna) What you looking at that dude for?
Rihanna: What's your problem? I can look at whoever I want. That Jonno boy is fine!
Chris Brown: You best not be looking at any other boys! I don't care how fine that Jonno is and I know he is fine!
Rihanna: Whatever...
Chris Brown: In 6 months, I'm going to get in argument with you in a car, before the Grammy's, and hit you because of this!

AND SCENE.

Other Nuggets (This reminds me of Chicken McNuggets. Hmmmm....)

-I was in Banana Republic the other day, looking for some jeans. One of the sales associates comes up to me and asks if they could help me. I said sure, I'm looking for some jeans either 34x34 or 36x34. He then replies, hmmm... that's not a normal size. Thanks buddy, you really know how to make a customer feel good about himself. I'll be sure next time to make sure I go to the Big and Tall Freaks Republic.

-I'm sure everybody by now is familiar with the over-done and over-used "That Was Easy" Staples Advertising Campaign. They sell the red buttons that you can press it and it says those exact words. I guess at first it was a cute concept and amusing, but now it's annoying and old. Apparently people at my work have been living under a rock for the last 2 years. There's been about 3 instances recently, where somebody has seen the red button for the first time and then laughed hysterically. And then pressed it repeatedly. I mean what's next? Are they going to start doing Borat impressions and singing Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" all day?-

I was in the elevator the other day with this peculiar man. I pressed "13" because I was going to the 13th floor. And he asked me to press "18" for him because he was holding stuff. He then says to me in a very creepy voice, "Oooh 13 that's not good. It's Friday the 13th." I reply, "Oh yeah I didn't realize that." He says, "I would be careful if I were you." At this point, I'm a little spooked out and thinking this is the longest elevator ride to the 13th floor in my life. He then says, "Do you know who's coming here this weekend?" I reply, "I don't." He's says, "Well you should know." I was like okay??? And he says, "I'm not going to tell you." I was ready for him to then say, "It's me! And I'm going to slice your head your off!" How about having the security guards not just in the main lobby, but the elevators too. Just a thought.

-I hope everybody had a wonderful and fantastic Valentine's Day. Except to all the girls in my lifetime who have rejected me or would not give me the time of day. And to all the girls that I have rejected in my lifetime... Unfortunately there are none. Well there was that one transvestite... Does that count?

I'm Out!

Playing Footsie, Fat Jessica, and the Po-lice.

-I had the pleasure of going to an in-door water park this past weekend. I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Why would you go to an in-door water park?" Let me get back to you on that one, I'm still not exactly sure. Moving on, while I was in the hot tub, this heavy-set, burly, tattooed man kept on playing footsie with me. I believe it was unintentional, but at the same time I still felt used and violated. But I guess that is the price you have to pay, when you have hot, sexy feet. In other news, my left foot now has crabs.

-After a two year hiatus, I started watching "Lost" again. I don't understand why a TV show has to be so confusing. Enough with the time change and everything. I barely know what day it is and the date in my own life. Remember the birthday party game, "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"? You would get spun around a few times, while being blind-folded. Well, that's exactly how I feel after watching each episode. One word please for the "Lost" writers, SIMPLIFY.

-I've overheard all these rumblings that Jessica Simpson has gotten fat. So I took time out of my busy schedule to see what all the hub bub was about... Okay, she looks like she might of put on 5-7 pounds. But I still wouldn't call her fat. If that's fat, then please call me for now on, Mumbo Jumbo Jonno. Fat is somebody like Rosie O'Donnell. (I apologize Rosie, for using you as an example) or that James Gandolfini Sopranos guy. That's fat. I think we've all forgotten the definition of what it means. Jessica, I know you are reading this because you are one of my biggest (Not physically big) fans... Feel free to come over to my place and I will console with my hot, sexy feet during these tough times.

-I went to go see "Taken" the other night. Good fast-paced movie and Liam Neeson gave me a heterosexual hard on. Anyways, I'm sitting there with my GF shoveling popcorn into my mouth and I noticed all these kids at the theater. I'm not talking high school kids, these are kids who looked like they were in the 3rd grade. If I was in 3rd grade, why the hell would I want to see a movie about an ex CIA Spook whose daughter gets taken away by Albanians for sex trafficking? When I was that age I was watching Alf and Ninja Turtles, while I picked my nose. (Actually, I still do that) And who are these parents accompanying them that have no idea what the movie is about? I just don't get it! Anyways, as I was saying... I'm sitting at the theater and five more kids coming running in. They looked like they were probably in the 6th grade. They run up the stairs like annoying bastards and of course they sit right behind me. Crap! So we got up and moved somewhere else. Now I've never done this before, but I saw some of the handicapped seats open. And in most of my movie viewing experiences I hardly ever see a handicapped person sit in those seats. I've seen some elderly people, but that's about it. So we sit in the "special" seats. I'm content with myself that I made the right seating decision. A few minutes later I look to the left and I see a female in a wheel chair. She looks at me and I feel like the biggest douche in the world. We get up and offer her our seats and she politely accepts them. Now the theater is pretty much full, so we have nowhere to sit. The female in the wheel chair ends sitting in a different seat. So then my GF and I move back to the original seats. I still felt bad about what had happened, but I was glad to see she had found a better option. The lights go down and the movie is about to start and in walks this large and in charge dude, who sits right next to us. Okay, not the worst thing. But then he starts eating the most foul smelling fast food I've ever experienced. It smelled like White Castle meets Lean Cuisine Dinners. So I have now come to the conclusion that I will boycott going to the movies for the rest of my life. Good God!

-This is something that has been on my mind for a while now, but I keep on forgetting to discuss it, What is the deal with the Police in Chicago? Why is it that I never see any policeman downtown? Where are they? What are they doing all day? I don't even see them drive by. I'm beginning to wonder that maybe those "Police Academy" movies weren't so far-fetched. If I was deranged enough to want to rob somebody, I would have a field day in Chicago. There is no way, you would get caught with any repercussions. The few times I do see cops is when they are going to go get food, or if they're shopping. And just recently I hear a story that totally validates my thoughts on the Chicago police. Apparently a 14-year-old boy posed as a Chicago cop and rode in a police car last Saturday, After 5 hours of patrolling and protecting our streets, they finally realized he was not a cop because he was missing a star on his uniform. Are you friggin kidding me? Who is the dumbass officer at the police station that allowed the pimply faced, voice cracking kid to go the assignment? Who is the other buffoon that rode with him in the car for 5 hours and didn't realize it was weird that he wanted to listen to the Jonas Brothers on the radio? All I'm waiting to hear next is that Rod Blagojevich has entered the Chicago Police Academy Training Program.

-Since the Super Bowl is today, I will give my two cents if anybody gives a crap. First of all, I have to say it's one of the most overrated events. All these people watch the game that have no interest in football. They watch the commercials, see the half-time show, eat lots of food, and socialize at some friend of a friend's party. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I would just like to make that observation. And usually the game itself is boring and not that all compelling. Except for last year's game, that was one of the best I've ever seen. This year's game, I predict won't be that enjoyable. You have the Steelers, who are one of the most boring teams to watch vs. Cardinals, who are one of the worse teams to ever make the Super Bowl. You have an outstanding defense (Steelers) vs. a very high octane offense (Cardinals). I would like the Cardinals to win, mainly because they are the underdogs and there's nothing really to like about the Steelers. Unfortunately a great defense will always beat a great offense. Plus, nobody talks about the Steelers offense, which isn't too shabby. Steelers 27 Cardinals 14.

I'm Out!

The Drunken Nacho Whore

Any time I'm able to go to a Bulls game, it's usually a very enjoyable experience for me. I love watching the game live and also eating the food. My favorite thing to get are the nachos. There's just something about eating nachos at a live sporting event that makes the taste extra scrumptious. I don't know if it's something in the air, but I salivate when I dip that tortilla chip in the gooey, fattening, artificial cheese. I have run into a few problems with the jalapeno peppers. Problems, which I rather not disclose if you catch my drift. So I've learned to eat the peppers in moderation, because you gotta at least have some.

So I'm sitting down, inhaling a slice of pizza(the appetizer before the nachos), and watching the game with my buddy. I realized that about 5 minutes into the 1st quarter, all the seats around me were pretty much vacant. Even though I was sitting in the balcony, you still would think the first 3 rows would be occupied. But I wasn't complaining, because I've had enough idiots sit by me and ruin games in my life. So I began to wonder, maybe miracles can really happen. Maybe I'll be able to enjoy the game and more importantly my nachos in peace. Right then, in comes a friggin bus load of these yuppies. There had to be around 30 of them, a mixture of guys and girls. I had no idea where the heck they came from and why there were so many of them, but boy did they look annoying. The majority of them were carrying alcoholic beverages and seemed like they had been boozing for a while. You could tell they had absolutely no interest in the game and were just going for the social experience. Kind of like going to a Cubs game. After about 3o minutes of trying to figure out where their seats where, the yuppie train finally sat down. I turned to my buddy and just shook my head. I knew we would be in for a long night.

The yuppie train eventually settled down and I was able to somewhat enjoy the game. On my mind now, was when to get the nachos. I thought about getting them during the 2nd Quarter, it was too soon. I thought about getting them during halftime, just did not feel right. 5 minutes into the 3rd Quarter, the inner fat kid was crying and it was time to make the move. I get the nachos and sit down. They look as beautiful as ever. I look to my right and most of the yuppies were gone. I assume they all went for some more booze. Life could not be better. Out of nowhere, this drunken girl walks 10 seats down and plops right next to my buddy. He was eating his nachos periodically throughout the game. So he was near the last stage of the nacho eating. So this drunk girl sits next to my buddy and digs her hand into his nachos and starts eating them. I couldn't believe the nerve of that girl! I've been in plenty of intoxicated states before, but never have I stooped to the level of eating somebody's nachos. Fortunately for my buddy, he was almost done so it wasn't the biggest deal. The drunken moocher, takes a chip and spills cheese all over herself. I then thought to myself, who is the lucky man that is going to marry this wonderful bride? Even though it was a bit annoying, I kind of laughed it off. What did I care? My nachos weren't being abducted.

Then out of nowhere with supernatural strength, the drunken nacho whore ripped my box of nachos out of my hands. I was in shock. Here I am, just trying to enjoy the game and eat this heavenly treat and I got some idiot taking them away from me. So I kind of just lost it. I refused to be defeated by this individual. If you want to harm anything, take me before you take my nachos. So I got up out of my seat and I guess just started yelling at her. I don't remember exactly what I said because it was in the heat of the moment, but I believed I had called her a f-in retard. I apologize to my loyal readers, for my classless language, but I was infuriated. So after I've called her a retard and gotten my nachos back, this yuppie douche in the row in front of me turns around and starts yelling at me. "Don't call my friend a retard! She's my friend!" Well if she's your friend, then control her because she's out of control! So we say a few things back and forth. The drunken nacho whore calls me a f-in asshole. Because let's face it people, I am one horrible human being. I really couldn't believe I was involved in this mess. I pretty much didn't even want eat the nachos anymore. Then another one of the yuppie girls, says to me "Umm are you in the right seats?" What? Hello! We've only been sitting here for two hours you dimwit! I wondered what's next? Is somebody going to whack me in the head with a frying pan?

A minute or two later, the drunken nacho theif takes a box of nachos(not mine) and throws them over the balcony. This shows you how out of control she was. Of course security doesn't see it nor do anything about it. And I wasn't going to rat her out and have 30 of her yuppie friends ready to cut my throat. After she threw the nachos over the balcony, the yuppie douche who was yelling at me just a few moments ago, turns around and says "Sorry, you're right. She really is retarded." Well no shit, Sherlock! I appreciate your apology, but you're a little too late. I tried to go back to my nachos and it just wasn't the same. The emotion, the love, the passion, just wasn't there. To make matters worse, every so often the drunken nacho whore would stick her hand out near me and I would have to feed her a nacho. I felt like I was feeding a baby monkey. It was almost like a horror movie, where you keep on thinking the killer is dead, but they keep on coming back. It seemed like this creature had like 9 lives or something. Why couldn't of she fallen over the balcony, rather than that box of nachos?

I refuse to let this incident, alter my devotion and feelings for nachos. They are still the apple in my eye, the thing that makes my stomach drop when I see it, and more importantly the thing that completes me. Just like in any relationship, you are going to have your highs and lows. And this was definitely a low-point for my nacho relationship. But as I've learned through my wise awkward years, this will only make us stronger. And I truly believe that my next nacho experience, will be the best ever.

I'm Out!

The Return of Air Douche

After a little under a three year hiatus, I made my triumphant return to the basketball court. My return wasn't necessarily horrible, but it wasn't good. I should mention that the league I joined is a co-ed league. My rational for the co-ed league, was so that I could have a better chance at competing. I'm not trying to be sexist by any means, because I'm a huge Sheryl Swoopes and Cynthia Cooper fan. But let's call a spade a spade here, there's a bit of a difference. Plus, it always fun to throw a few elbows at some butchy broads.

The game is about to start and I meet my teammates. One of my teammates, is my brother-in-law, who hasn't played basketball in 6 years. So as you can see, not a great start to the roster. The basketball jersey, was a little tight fitting on him and he looked like he was ready to burst out like "The Hulk". I was worried the jersey was going to cut off his circulation. We have four girls on our roster, but only one showed up because of the weather. The problem with that, is that league rules say you have to have two girls on the court at all times. Fortunately, the other team felt sorry for us and allowed us to play with four guys.

My plan was to come off the bench and provide instant offense like Steve Kerr, but since "The Hulk" (Brother-In-Law) wasn't budging, I had to start. Right away, I could tell our opposing team was going to be a tough match-up. They appeared to all know each other and took the shoot-around very seriously. My shoot-around didn't go very well. I think I hit like 1 out of the 20 shots I took. My talent in basketball, is shooting... I really don't offer that much else, besides maybe a decent basketball IQ. I knew it was going to be difficult to get back in a shooting rhythm after being away for a few years. So it didn't seem like I had prayer of hitting a shot in the game.

The ball gets tipped off and as "The Joker" says... "And here we go!" My defense is usually horrible. The main problem is that I'm not quick enough to guard a lot of people. So I usually try to guard, smaller/ slower people. The problem with that strategy, is usually the smaller they are, the faster they are. Unless, you are guarding Danny Devito. Right off the bat, the opposing team takes off and whips our ass. I think they got to like a 20 point lead, before we even scored. They were a talented squad, who unfortunately enjoyed to run. Which did not bode well for my stamina five minutes into the game.

I don't know what it is about basketball, but it's a hell of a work-out for your body. I don't run a lot, but I do about 2 1/2 miles 4-5 times a week. So you would think, I could handle a basketball game, but that was unfortunately not the case. At the ten minute mark, I was sweating so much, you would of thought my hair was flooding like Katrina. So at that point I figured to grab some bench. We ended up getting demolished by the other team. And the girls on the their team, we're awfully feisty. Man, here I thought I was going to be schooling them and they were knocking me around like a punching bag. You would think being 6'3/200 pounds, I would be able to use my size to my advantage. But instead I stand on the perimeter and use my size like Mugsy Bouges. And I even got blocked by some 5'7 Indian kid. Too bad they didn't get that on Sportscenter.

In the 2nd half of the game, I actually shot decently well. I hit a few jumpers, including a three pointer and ended up with 9 points. Definitely not outstanding, but I'll take it for being out of the game so long. By the end of the game, I was wiped out and couldn't even make a coherent sentence. But then again, I always have trouble making coherent sentences. Three days later, today, my legs are still aching. And in other news, "The Hulk" is still wearing the same jersey because he can't get it off. We shall see what happens next week. Maybe I can get blocked by a 4-foot Dutch midget?

I'm Out!

The Curious Case of Bacon, Zoos, and Islam

-The Bulls are breaking my heart. I've tried to support and be behind them, but they keep on letting me down. I know they're young and have had bad luck with injuries, but that's still no excuse for the way they've been playing. John Paxson (General Manager), I know you are reading this... Save this ship from sinking as soon as possible because there's no Leo or Celine Dion music to help you out.

-Because the Bulls have let me down, I've turned to somebody else for love and affection. And that somebody else is Bacon. Is there a better food out there than Bacon? If there is, please feel free to write back and let me know. I mean not only is the taste, mouth watering, but it goes great with anything. You can put it on sandwiches, salads, potatoes, pastas, pizza, soups, etc... I'll stop myself before I go into a Bubba Gump rant. But be on the look-out for a "Save the Date" in your mailboxes. I will be popping the question any day now to my Baconetta.

-Is it just me or are zoos overrated? I understand the appeal, it's free and fun to look at different animals, but it has way too many negatives. First of all, the whole darn place smells like feces. They're are way too many people, most of them extremely annoying. And then when you do get to actually see the animals, they're always passed out sleeping. I might as well stay at home, take a nap, and crap my pants. It would be the same experience without the annoying people.

-I recently had the pleasure of seeing "The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button". The real title should of been "The Curious Case Of Why Is This Movie So Long? It's not a bad film by any means, but not even close to the epic "Forrest Gump". (The same writer wrote both films.) My main question is, how was Brad Pitt able to still look hot as an 80-year-old toddler? Nobody else could've pulled that off.

-Sometimes I think I have a handle on my intelligence, but on this past New Year's Eve, I realized I'm really not the sharpest tool in the shed. We were playing Trivial Pursuit with another couple... (Yes I know crazy, wild night!) And I can't remember the exact question, but it was something along the lines of "What eastern religion is the main religion of Djibouti?" I was leaning towards Muslim or Buddhism and I think we went with Buddhism. The answer ended up being Islam. And my response was, "I thought Islam was a country". Which was then followed by blank stares and awkward silence. What people? I only have so much available space in this noggin. You can't hand rugged good looks and intelligence.

-I've recently joined a co-ed basketball league with my brother-in-law. Yes, I did just say co-ed. I've learned it always good to take baby steps in life. I haven't played full-court basketball in the last three years. Which is when I had my 31-point outburst. (You can read all about it in the "Air Douche" blog entry). The first game back might get a little ugly, given the amount of running involved. So if you never hear from me again, it was nice knowing all of you and I hope I've been able to somewhat entertain you in an awkward way.

I'm Out!

An Awkward Christmas Week

-I can't handle this weather anymore. First it gets unbelievably cold, then it gets horribly windy, then the snow starts, then the snow freezes, then the streets and roads are full of ice. Now I have a horrible cold, my nose is running like Niagara Falls and I'm coughing up a lung, while I'm slipping around on the sidewalks like a fat kid on roller skates. Why do we even put up with this?


-My parents adopted a new dog a few months ago. My wonderful dog Barney, passed away last year. The new dog is very cute. He's a 12 pound, terrier/lapsa apsa mix named Pepper. He's very playful, loving and already obsessed with my parents. One night I was over at the house, playing with Pepper. He enjoys playing with his stuff animal Froggie. Basically the concept of the game is that you throw Froggie, Pepper chases after it, and then you have to try and wrangle Froggie away from his mouth. So we are playing the game and Pepper runs over to my parents who are lying on the couch. He drops Froggie onto the ground and sits right by it. I slowly walk towards him, like I'm going to take away Froggie. He stares at me, like he knows we're just playing a game. Out of nowhere, he lunges at me like a speeding bullet and attacks me. This dog lunged at me so fast, I had no time to dodge him. This little shit, bites me on my right leg. It was right on the top of my leg, parallel to my crocth area. So in other words, he was about a few centimeters from biting me in the family jewels. Pepper, if you're reading this, you better look over your shoulder the next time you're walking down a dark alley. Word!


-Speaking of dogs, I saw the movie "Marley and Me" recently... The movie was so-so, a little too slow for my liking. I'll admit it was a bit of a tear jerker. I did not cry, but I came close a few times. I think the last time I cried during a movie was when I was six and saw the "Karate Kid" Jennifer Anniston is amazingly hot, but boy she a boring actress. Okay, she was decent in "Office Space" because of brilliant writing, but otherwise she has pretty much been brutal in everything else. If there is one movie to see right now, it's "Slumdog Millionaire." I wasn't looking forward to seeing it, but all I can say is wow! That's one heck of a film.

-This past Saturday night I was going to my GF's friend birthday party at some trendy club. So when we gave our names to the pompous doorman, he asked us which party are we here for. The girl's name was Liz Hurley. To brighten the doorman's mood, I decided to make a little funny and say "But not the actress unfortunately." After I made the joke, the doorman looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "Did it take you all day to come up with that one?" I'm not saying it was a hilarious joke, where he should of been rolling on the ground laughing, but the A-Hole, didn't have to make me a feel like stupid douche. I mean where are the effort points? That's all I'm saying.

-I had this temp job the other day where I worked as a greeter for a real estate company. They where showing a condo and needed me there in case two different people came to look at the place the same time. Because of the weather and the holiday week, nobody unfortunately came to look at the condo. And I brought nothing to read or do for the whole day. They had a few random books on the shelf and so I started reading the Regis Philbin Biography written in 1995. And that's what I did for seven full hours. Mr. Obama, for the love of God, please help this economy!

I went to a Sister Hazel concert recently. I think they're a great underrated band. But why do other people have to ruin the concert for me? Who started the whole pump your arm in the air and almost hit the person in the face behind you? I could see if we were at a Metallica concert, but this Sister Hazel. People don't need to be waving their arms around like a psychotic Orangutan. And this older couple, is standing right next to me. During one of my favorite ballads "Champagne High," this gray hair, 50 year-old guy decides to yell out the whole song word for word in my ear. It totally hampered my ability to hear the real song. People, next time you go to a concert, enough with the spastic arm movements and the karaoke. There's a reason why there on that stage singing that song and your in the audience watching them next to me.

I'm Out!

Come On Ride, the CTA Train... Woo! Woo!

Chicago is a wonderful city and has a lot to offer. It's affordable, great food, fun night life, corrupt Governors and it's accessible. Between the "L" Trains, Buses, and Taxis it is very easy to get around the city. At the same time the convenient transportation has its negatives.

On a Saturday evening, my GF and I were traveling up north to Lincoln Park to meet some friends for dinner. You would think a few stops on the red line and then a transfer to the brown line would be an easy 25 minute task. But as we've learned throughout the years, nothing in the awkward chronicles world is easy. The first step was to walk from our condo to the red line. This usually is a short walk that takes five minutes. With the blustery winds, spitting ice rain drops, and overall cold temperature the walk felt like it was an hour. It was so nasty out, I almost felt like I was about to throw up. When I saw the sign for the red line, I thought I was walking towards heaven. (Which in reality would consist of rainbow sprinkles, muppets, and breasts.)

We walk down the steps to get on the train. Right before we hit the turn-styles to swipe our CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) cards, there is a homeless guy arguing with one of the CTA workers. Not a big deal, seen it before, but its nothing you like to see. We wait for the train... I'm always a big fan of walking way down the concourse, that way the train won't be as crowded when you get on it since the majority of people are lazy. The train comes and we get on a car that is not too crowded. We sit down and enjoy the ride. Not so fast... The train has a horrid, dispicalbe vomit smell. Not just a standard vomit smell, that I can tolerate. I'm talking about a mega nastry, vile, stench smell so bad, that would make horse manure seem like a perfume. People are on the train had to literally cover up their noses. I'm not trying to point figures, but there was a homeless man sitting a few seats in front of us. After an extensive investigation, we came to the conclustion that his feet were the source of the vomit smell. My GF could not tolerate the smell any longer, so we had to change cars at the next stop.

We change cars and get away from the heinous stench. Now we can comfortably enjoy the rest of the ride. Not so fast... A different homeless guy walks in and gives his 20 second plea for money. I do feel bad for the situation he is in, but given that I've been unemployed for the last few months I unfortunately have nothing to spare. The homeless man moves on to the next car. The train stops, a man gets on, and sits behind us while he talks on his cell phone. He is carrying a large garbage bag with lots of crap in it. I don't intend to be nosey, but when somebody talks really loud I have trouble blocking it out. So it appears this individual is talking to an ex-convict, who just got out of jail and is now homeless. The individual says, "I know your homeless, but I can't help you unless you got your papers in order. Do you have your Social Security Card? Your Birth Certificate? You gotz to have your papers."

So apparently what we have going on is a guy who has a ex-convict, homeless friend and the friend needs his help. The conversation takes a bit of a peculiar direction when the individual on the train starts asking more about his friend's background. "When you call, just ask for Allsion and tell her that I sent you. But they're not going to help you out, if you got shit on your background." I picture the ex-convict/homeless guy on the phone saying "What do you mean by shit?" The individual on the train replies, "Like have you ever killed anybody, raped anybody? Minor defenses are okay, but if you killed or raped anybody then you're in trouble.

As this very pleasant conversation is going on, all of the sudden there is an unbearable screeching sound going on that almost made my ears bleed. It was one of the worst sounds I've ever heard in my life. It was like the combination of fingernails on a chalkboard, going to the dentist, Fran Drescher Karaoke, and my parents making sweet love. (Okay, maybe I went a little far with the last one.) Apparently, the sound was from the train scraping against the tracks during one of its turns. After 30 seconds of this, the screeching sound died down, and it was time to pick-up from our delightful phone conversation.

The individual on the phone then says, "What about any sexual molestation? Because you might have to be around kids or something. Oh sorry man, I can't help you out then." So apparently this ex/convict/homeless friend on the phone, was able to pass the test with murder and rape. But when it came to sexual molestation, he surrendered in defeat. I don't know about you, but molesting always gets me too. As the conversation came to a close, it was finally time to get off and transfer trains. Fortunately, nothing else of importance occurred on the second train and we made it to Lincoln Park safely.

So the next time you want to complain about the CTA and the increase in rates, think twice about it. Make sure you enjoy the free amenities that come with it. Such as, the crazy guy arguing with the CTA worker, the smell of horrid vomit, pan-handlers asking for money, lovely phone conversations about murder, rape, and molestation, and random screeching sounds that will make you go deaf. I love the CTA!

I'm Out!

The Jerry Springer Show

Since there is nothing of great importance for me to talk about this week, I've decided to go into the Awkward vault and share with you a story that happened about five years ago...

I had just graduated college with all the hopes, aspirations, and dreams in the world. I've always been very fond of the entertainment industry and knew that I wanted to write for TV/Film. To avoid moving to LA or New York, I thought why not and work for the "Jerry Springer Show." And that's what I did for about five months of my life. My position title was Production Intern. I thought this internship would open numerous doors for me in the industry. Even though the show had no writers, my naive self thought maybe I could be the first one. I can't say my five months at Springer were an enjoyable experience, but I can say that many interesting stories resulted from it.

We would normally fly the guests in the day before the show. The show paid for all the airfare, hotels, and food. The guests are not paid at all to come on the show. So when the guests fly in, the producers want them to be entertained and have a fun-filled day in Chicago. Because the happier the guests are, the more responsive they'll be to the producer, and the better the show will be. Many of these guests have never been to a big city like Chicago and to avoid them staying out of trouble, they need a chaperon. Any guesses of who that chaperon would be? It's not Jerry... It's not that Bald-Headed A-Hole, Steve Wilko.... It was me! Yes, I was given the great responsibility of entertaining these freaks for a whole day. We would take a lovely waltz down to Navy Pier, stroll down the Magnificent Mile, play at ESPN Sports Zone, or stop in at the House of the Blues. Now don't get me wrong, some of the guests I worked with were decent human beings; others, well, they were probably the worst human beings you have ever met in your life.

One day before the taping, I waddled over to the associate producer to find out what guests would be flying in. Her response to me was that the guests were transvestites and are "awesome!" I realize some you might enjoy transvestites and have friends or family that are ones, or even have fetishes about them. Me on the other hand, I'm kind of scared of them. When I found out the news about the transvestite guests, I was worried, devastated, frightened, and nauseous all at the same time. I thought of ways to get out of it, but there weren't anyway. The only possible way out, was probably to hold Jerry Springer hostage. And we all know that would not be good for business.

The transvestites fly-in to meet me and the rest of the staff. I had no idea what to expect as far as their looks. I'm not saying I have a tranny fetish, but I've seen some decent looking ones in my day. One's where if you were in a dimly lit night club and intoxicated, you could be easily fooled. The two transvestites enter and they are the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my life. Not because they were ugly transvestites, they were just downright ugly men. One looked like Cookie the Clown from the Bozo Show and the other one had a beard. Ironically, the one with the beard's real name was Jason Biggs. Strangely enough the he/she kind of looked like the actor a little bit. I thought about bringing out an apple pie and seeing how this bearded creature would react. But I did not want to risk Jason Biggs getting anymore sexually riled up. I realize these transvestites were obviously pre-op, but if you are going to dedicate yourself to looking like a woman, I think you would at least shave off your facial hair. But what the hell do I know?

It was time for me to take Cookie the Clown and Jason Biggs to their hotel and check them in. I remember walking them to their room and being a little nervous. Here are theoretically two men who could easily have their way and gang-bang me if they chose to. I'm not sayin I'm some hot young piece of ass, but I'm do-able for an ugly tranny. I open the door to their room, because we have pratically do everything for these people. They follow me in and the door shuts. The room is pinched dark and I can't see a friggin thing. I start to panic to find a light switch before I get tossed on the bed like a rag doll. I swipe my hands across the wall furiously, hoping that I'll come across a light switch or even a fire alarm. Fortunately, I find the light switch and my clothes were still on. Even though it only took me a minute to find the switch, it felt like an eternity. I quickly ask if they are okay, they reply yes, and then I get the hell out of there.

I get back to the Springer office, hoping and praying that I'm done with them. But no, there's more. The associate producer tells me that I would be accompanying them to the House of Blues because they want to go out on the town. I gave a second thought to seriously holding Jerry hostage, but again I wussed out, so I go back to the hotel to meet with my buds Cookie and Jason. They are now all dolled and ready to party. They wear the tightest, sluttiest dresses, that I don't even think prostitutes would wear. And of course, they have piled on tons of perfume. We head over in a cab to the House of Blues. I walk in with the two scantily, ugly transvestites, and here I am wearing an Indiana gray hoodie. Can you tell which person doesn't belong? The whole place is literally silent. It was almost everything stopped at once. Every single person in the joint, is staring at us when their jaws dropped. And there had to be a good 50 people in there. I prayed to God, hoping that there was not one single person there that knew of my existence. I could just picture, somebody I grew up with having dinner at the HOB, wondering, "Hmmm, I wonder what that Jonno (Me) is up to these days." And then boom, here I walk in with the trannies. I could not handle the humiliation and awkwardness any longer. I knew I was suppose to stay with the trannies for a little bit and hang out with them. But I couldn't do it. I got them a table, made sure they were situated, and got the hell out of there.

I don't remember how the show went the next day, nor do I give a crap. All I know is that I will never forget Cookie the Clown and Jason Biggs. Their existence will forever be embedded into my brain. And I don't think I have ever been more scared in my life, than the one minute I was locked into that dark hotel room with them. I hope they are doing okay and maybe have shaved a little bit. Heck, maybe I can even reach out to them on facebook or something and we can reminisce about the Good Old Springer Days. If any of you or know anybody that have a desire to work for the Jerry Springer Show, my advice would be pretty simple... May God Bless You.

I'm Out!

Zack and Miri and Grandmas Make A Porno

This past weekend I had the pleasure of viewing "Zack and Miri Make A Porno." And don't worry I didn't pull a Pee-Wee Herman at the theater. I already did that for "High School Musical 3." What? You obviously did not see the Zack Efron shower scene. Anyways, I waddle into the theater with my big bucket of popcorn and beverage. I don't know about you, but I am cursed at movie theaters. No matter where I sit, what time of day, or how long the movie has been out, I always have some idiot sit by me and ruin the movie. I wish I could be one of those people who can tune it out. But I can't. I also wish I could be one of those people who say something out loud to the idiots. But I can't. Instead I give some sort of mean looking stare, thinking that my intimidating facial expression is going to get the idiots to shut the hell up. When in reality, I look as harmless as a little puppy in the fetal position. Not sure why I used that reference, but let's just go with it.

So whenever I walk into the theater I try to think the opposite of what a normal person would do. And in general most people are lazy. So if I have a choice to enter through the left side or the right side, I will go into the side that is the least convenient. I know it might sound crazy, but for some reason it works. Now this is something I still don't get and maybe some of you can help me out with this... What is the fascination with sitting in the middle? It makes no difference for the movie experience. Don't you realize that? So not only do you have to squeeze by people in the aisle, but you have to surround yourself with people you have no desire to sit by. I can't even tell you the last time I've sat in the middle. My strategy is always to sit in an aisle seat, away from the idiots. I don't know what it is, but I have this psychic ability to tell whose is going to be annoying and disruptive. Just by looking at somebody for one second, I can sense if they are going to be a loud-mouth jackass. Some people find cures, I find the idiots.

So we sit in our seats. An aisle seat towards the back of course. There's a group of middle-aged women down the row, to the right. Now, I knew they were going to be annoying right away. But it wasn't the talking type of annoying. It was the laughing type. You know the type of people who laugh at every single stupid ass thing. Like the people who even laugh at the commercials and the most obvious jokes. For example, when somebody falls down or gets hit the face. These women were rolling on the ground laughing. Man, where were those women when I bombed at doing stand-up? I don't like it, but the laughing idiots are the people I can somewhat tolerate. The non-stop commentary and I'm-so-popular-I-have-a-cellphone idiots, are a whole other story.

There is one other type of movie-goer nobody likes to sit by. And that's the elderly demographic. Don't get me wrong, I love my sweet elderly people. Heck, I practically am one. But if there are two places we rather avoid the elderly - at restaurants and movies. I don't know what it is about them, but they don't know how to shut the hell up when the lights go down. Maybe they don't care anymore or they don't realize it, but whatever the case is they're annoying. So the movie is about to start, I'm sitting in my aisle seat, stuffing my face with popcorn like how a person would eat in a pie eating contest. My laughing buffoons are sitting to my right. Not the best situation, but I can deal with it. Then out of nowhere come these three elderly ladies. And I can hear them talking miles away. I don't know if God was trying to punk me here, but I was devastated. I felt like a fat kid dropping his ice cream cone. They walk up slowly and of course sit in the row behind me. Not directly behind me, but a few seats down. I turned to my GF, with a look of devastation. I could not believe it. When you go see a movie called "Zack and Miri Make A PORNO" you doubt that you would have to worry about the older demographic. I don't know what these three older ladies were thinking. Maybe they were the founding sisters of Pornography or they thought they were seeing "Cocoon 3." I don't know and I was pissed off!

They sit in their seats, the movie begins, and there is non-stop chitter chatter. If you are not aware, this movie is probably the most foul-mouthed film that I've seen in a long time. I think I counted a total of 100 instances they used the words "Cock" and "Pussy" in the first five minutes. I tried my best to block out the laughing buffoons and the elderly mumblings, but it was way too much for my ADD to handle. Finally about a half hour into the movie and the one thousand mention of the word "anal" the elderly trio got up and walked out. Thank the Jewish Lord for that one! Whew! Now all I had to do was put up with the laughing buffoons. The movie was fair, it got a little too slow for me. But I would recommend maybe seeing it when it comes out on DVD, because some of the dialogue is pretty good. Seth Rogen pulls off his same old shtick and Craig Robinson from "The Office" has some good lines. But what's the deal with Elizabeth Banks? Not only is she in the movie I was watching, but also two previews as well. I mean is she taking over Hollywood or something? Producers and casting directors.... Give it a rest with the Elizabeth Bank overkill. I beg you!

I apologize for the Elizabeth Banks rant. It was something I needed to get off my chest. In conclusion, I realize there is no way to stop idiots, laughing buffoons, hey look at me cell phone guy, or the elderly commentators. But one thing we can stop, is for people to be informed about the movie before they decide to go see it. All it takes is a simple phone call to your grandmother/grandfather, or informing a random elderly person walking down the street and letting them know that "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" is not a good movie for them to see. Little by little, with every body's help, we can make a difference. We can change.

I'm Out!

The 5K, Cosby Kid, Fire Hydrant Race

This past weekend I had the pleasure of participating in my first ever 5K race. I know some of you may say, "What's the big deal about a 5K?" "Try doing a 10K or a half marathon, then write a friggin blog." You would be surprised to find out that the 5K race is a huge milestone for me. I would love to lie to you and tell you I'm this miraculous individual who made an unthinkable recovery after breaking both legs and was told by doctors that I would never be able to walk again. My situation was something of far more importance. I was a fat kid my friends.

I remember in gym class when we had to do the atrocious annual mile run. It was the day we all dreaded on the calendar, the day we tried to call in sick, or the day we wanted to drop out of school. But for some reason it always seemed impossible to avoid it. No matter what we did to run away from it, the mile run would catch us. Given my physical limitations, the run was never an easy feat for me. It involved a lot of Fatty McGee wheezing, walking, panting, and a facial expression that I had eaten too many prunes. Nevertheless, I knew one day I would be able to conquer the mile run with great ease.

Cut to today, I've been running consistently since my Junior year of college. My jogging consists of nothing too intense, two miles 3-4 times a week. I never felt the need to add any more kilometers to the work-out. In the last month or so, I've been stretching my runs to about 3 miles, with the aide of my lovely, vivacious, marathon runner GF. So it was now time to test my training and endurance. My GF and I, were going to be in Cleveland for a wedding and conveniently there was a 5K race the same weekend. So we signed up, along with her popz and her bro. The race started at 9am. I wasn't necessarily nervous by any means, but I was curious as to how I was going to perform.

I don't mean to make any of you nauseous, so I apologize beforehand. (I seem to write this in all my entries.) But I did not have my routine bathroom experience that morning, if you catch my drift. In other words, I did not drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. And I'm used to dropping Vanessa, Denise, Theo, and sometimes even Rudy during my morning routine. We get to the facility where the run was starting at. And suddenly I felt some small eruptions in the stomach area. I didn't know if it was nerves, or if I really had to use the restroom. We checked in and the eruptions were not getting any better. I thought about just waiting till after the run, but at the same time I didn't want to have to stop during the middle of the race and not be able to finish it. The other problem was that the race was going to start in the next few minutes. So I couldn't risk the race starting and then here I am bursting out of the bathroom with my pants around my ankles, yelling "Wait! Wait for me!", and tripping over myself. I quickly made the executive decision to just use the restroom now and try and be as quick as possible. Mission accomplished! The Cosby Kids were dropped off at the pool, Theo did a cannonball, and we were ready to roll!

It's time for the race to start. I line up with the other runners, who are mostly middle-aged men and women. A handful of younger people and some elderly people. The gun goes off and here we go! My GF and have nice pace going. We're not going too fast, but not too slow. Her popz takes off and gets way ahead of us. (Apparently he runs races often and fast) A few minutes into the race, her bro has a little trouble keeping us with us. I know the nice thing to do is to stay with him, but this was not a war. It was a race, where you could leave men behind. I look about 100 feet ahead of us and see these two short, stocky, fire hydrant shaped women in front of us. They look like they are running pretty slow, but they are a pretty big distance in front of us. I turned to my GF and said to her, "We gotta pass them." We did not do it right away, our plan was to pace ourselves. I wasn't worried about not being able to finish the race or something like that, but at the same time I didn't want to burn myself out too early. We hit the 1st mile checkpoint and the two fire hydrants are still in front of us chugging along. They appear to be experienced and they knew how to pace themselves. But I still wasn't going to let them beat me.

We hit the 2nd mile and they're still ahead of us. I turned to my GF and gave a look like, "Let's Do It." We turned on the accelerators and headed toward the two female fire hydrants. They didn't even see it coming. They also probably didn't give a crap about us at the same time. Regardless, we passed them and it felt good. If the Cosby kids were still with me, I don't think I would've been able to pass them. We hit the 3rd mile check-point, I'm a little winded, but I know this is the time to turn it on even more. So I run the fastest that I could at that moment to the finish line. Even though I felt like I was running fast, I'm sure in reality I was going as fast as an elderly person on an electric scooter. Waiting at the finish line was my GF's popz, who had finished the race at very impressive 27 minute time. I finished at 30:30, with GF a few steps behind. The female fire hydrants finished a few minutes later. Mission accomplished.

I'm fully aware that my time was not that great. But to be a stocky kid growing up, struggling with the gym class mile run, participating in my first race, passing the fire hydrant runners... I was pleased with the performance. To make it even better, they had munchkin donuts and some water after the race. Which made the race even that more of importance to me. What can I say? I'm a simple man, with simple desires.

I'm Out!

The Tricky Electronic Voting Machine

On Tuesday, November 4th, 2008, along with many millions of American citizens, I voted. Because I have moved cross country twice in the last year or so, I voted at a library in the southwest suburbs. Given the major celebrity that I am, I unfortunately cannot give you the address of my location. But if you are a curious young boy of about 7, maybe we can work something out. Big Brother settle down, I'm only kidding.

So I waddle over to the line and it's a decent turn-out. There were probably about 8 or 9 people waiting in front of me. The majority of the people were in the 50-70 age range. Which I fit perfectly in, given that I feel like a 70-year-old man trapped in a 27-year-old body. There were about 5 judges sitting down behind a table, with a box of dunkin donuts on top of it. Because I did not have any breakfast my fat kid instincts were kicking in like no other. Then out of nowhere, some man in a trench coat, almost God-like, drops off a box of variety donut holes from some local bakery. Some of the donut holes evcn had rainbow sprinkles on it! If you know anything about me, it's that I get hard on for rainbow sprinkles. Right at that moment, I thought," I must be a judge in 20012!"

I'm finally second in line and almost ready to vote. There is a gentleman, I suspect in his later 50's in front of me. One of the judges, all of the sudden makes it known, that there is a machine available to use. She says, "It's an electronic machine. It takes a little longer, but its easy to use." The gentleman does not answer, presumably because he wanted to fill out his ballot the traditional way. Bastard! So did I! I don't blame him, but he didn't have to leave me hanging out to dry. So now all eyes on me. Given that, I was representing the youth of America at this voting destination and for the sake of the long line, I loudly proclaimed, "I'll do it." I know people were thinking in their heads, "Wow look at how brave and courage this young man is." Or others may have of thought, "Why does he keep staring at those rainbow sprinkled donut holes?"

I then sat down face to face with my electronic machine. I correctly fed my ballot into machine. So far so good. The ballot was now electronically displayed on the screen and all I had to do was touch screen my votes. Seem easy right? One would think so. I accurately place my finger on the circle next to Obama/Biden (I would've voted for Alf, but his name was not on the ballot). And for some reason this electronic machine, filled in the circle next to McCain/Palin. I mean don't get me wrong, my dad is a Maverick and my mother is a Hockey Mom, and I once dated a Plumber named Joe... Regardless, that's not who I wanted to vote for! I touched the Obama/Biden circle again and it worked. Whew! Now came for the next 20 selections. The touch screen got progressively worse. I would touch the circle of who I wanted to vote for and nothing would happen. I would touch it five, six times and would get nothing. It was almost like the ATM machines, when you are trying withdrawal money. And you want to withdraw $40 and the somehow the machine thinks you hit $20. That error was occurring non-stop! It got to the point with some of the judges, where if the machine selected a different one than I had selected, I just moved on and didn't fix the error. I just wanted to get the heck away from this machine! I turn around and noticed an old lady in a wheel chair behind me. She was waiting to use the same demonic machine, because it was the only voting booth that had a chair. I tried to give her this look, like "Go away from here. Stay away! Far away! Kind of like how you see in those horror movies, where the killer is around, but the other person can't say out loud that it's around. But the little old booger wouldn't budge. I thought our elderly brainwaves would mesh and she would be able to decipher what I was thinking. But there was no luck. She was determined to sit in that chair and vote.

I finally finished up the voting, frustrated and pissed off as hell. What was suppose to be a liberating, fun voting experience turned out to be quite the opposite. All because of this stinkin', demented, voting machine! I thought about grabbing one of the scrumptious donut holes as an FU to the judges for making me use the machine. Fortunately my conscious got the best of me and told me otherwise.

Mysterious old lady in the wheelchair, hopefully you are reading this on your 1994 IBM computer with the AOL dial-up connection. And you accept my sincere apology for not making you aware of the malfunctions of the machine. God knows, you are probably still at the voting station, touching that screen with no luck. Hopefully our paths will cross again in 2012 and we will protest the end of the electronic voting machine.

I'm Out!

Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Segways, and Gary Busey

-May I just say, that there is no better feature on a computer than the "system restore" option. My God, I can't tell you how many times it has saved me. I love you system restore, I really do. FYI I did not get my last virus from pornographic sites.

-I don't understand why people are so lazy. When you are about to get on the L train, don't go on the first cart you see. That is going to be the most congested area of the train. Always walk down a few carts and then enter the train. Unless you are handicapped, in fear of missing the train, or, want to grind against a homeless guy that smells like vomit... Then yes, enter the train right away and have a hoot!

-To demonstrate my confusion on the amount of undecided voters out there, I will reference a quote from Humorist, David Sedaris on this issue. " To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

-Speaking of the election and society. (Segway) I have so much faith that the American public will make the most educated and intelligent decision on this upcoming election. Given that "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" has grossed over $70 million dollars and was #1 in the box office its 1st two weeks. God help us.

-Speaking of Segways, (Another great segway) I actually did the Segway Chicago Tour. Let me just say, despite freezing my toochis off, I had a great time. And more importantly, I proved to the world that special and slow people can ride a segway without harming themselves or other people. In other words, I'm the Jackie Robinson of segways.

-I watched the first episode of Celebrity Rehab 2. (Yes, I am unemployed at the moment) And one of the participants or "mentors" on the show is Gary Busey. He could honestly be the most entertaining individual in the business right now. If studio executives, are reading this, which I know they are, he must be casted on every single television program and film right this minute.

-Speaking of reality shows, (Don't worry I won't give a segway shout-out) What the hell is the deal with that douchey chef Rocco? That guy is on every single television program. Who the hell is he and why is he on the my television screen? The only way he should be allowed on TV, is if he wrestles Gary Busey in a steel cage match. Now we're talking!

-Is it just me or has "The Office" been lackluster so far this season? It seems like they are going more for the emotion than comedy. But I will say a new show that I have enjoyed is "Worst Week" on CBS. My only question for that show is, couldn't they of found a better actor?

-I was enjoying Pink's new song "So What" until every single radio station started playing this song 100 times a day. Thank you radio, for killing another song. This is reminiscent of what happened to Nickleback's "Photograph" song.

-I can't believe I picked up QB Kyle Orton for my fantasy team. Who the heck would of thunk it?
-The best Halloween costume you can buy this year is ...



P.S. The doggie shirt does not come with it.

I'm Out!

Run Sarah Palin Run... Far Away

-If you're looking to watch a nice light comedy on DVD. Rent "Run Fatboy Run." (And no its not my Bar Mitzvah Video. That was titled, "Read the Torah, Fatboy, Read the Torah."

-I don't know about you, but Joe Biden impressed the heck out of me Thursday Night. Sarah Joe Six-Pack, hockey mom, maverick, drill baby drill, Palin did not.

-How great is it that the Cubs got swept in 3 games? I mean this team pre-maturely celebrated everything. First, the great Eddie Vedder sings a song about them. Then they have a parade just for getting the playoffs. Man, can this team be any more obnoxious?

-I'm watching the latest season of the "Biggest Loser:Families" First of all they coud easily edit the show down to a half hour rather than two hours. And watching the host, Allison Sweeney, should be the next new sleeping pill prescribed by doctors. She's not bad looking, just put a muzzle on her.

-If you are looking for a tasty dish, order the Chorizo, Egg, and Rock Shrimp Breakfast Burrito at the "Bongo Room." You will thank me later.

-When did Jimmy Kimmel turn into such a great talk show host? He's going to be the next Letterman.

-How about those 3-2 Bears? Kyle Orton and that offense is a lot better than we expected. The division is there's to lose.

-I just finished reading the Rosie O'Donnel's latest book "Celebrity Detox." Don't ask why, but I read it. She mentioned in her book that she used to purposely break bones in her body when she was a kid. I wished she would've breaken more bones in her hands to prevent her from writing this book.

-We need to get rid of all these little restaurants/cafes with close seating. I can't stand it! The person next to me is always eavesdropping on my conversations. I mean don't get me wrong, I've eavesdropped on my fair share of conversations, but I always don't make eye contact. This woman the other day was staring into my eyes as she was eavesropping the whole time! I thought I was going to hear Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" playing in the background. People, next time you want to eavesdrop during my meal, at least offer me a bite of your entree. It's the least you can do for the free entertainment I offer.

I'm Out!

The Scream Heard Around the World

This past weekend, my significant other's family came into town. This probably is my third or fourth time meeting them, so I'm still not 100 percent at the comfortable stage yet. Nonetheless, her parents are very nice people. Throughout my history, I've always had trouble with the fathers of the girls I've dated. I have always felt this heavy awkward spirit whenever I'm in their presence. With the moms, I'm good. I'm golden. With the dads, I can't even make a coherent sentence. Although, I do have trouble making coherent sentences in my everyday life. Maybe I should look into that? I've wondered where does this awkward tension come from? Is it because I feel guilty that I have seen their daughter naked and have done filthy things to them? Filthy things with consent I may add. Sorry to make you nauseous, but this is something that I can't seem to figure out.

Anyways on a Saturday we all go out for dinner. My girlfriend (we'll call her GF), her bro, parents, aunt, uncle, grandma, sister, nephew, brother-in-law, etc... You get the point. The whole gang is there. We went to a place called Quartinos. (http://www.quartinochicago.com/) It's like this Italian tapas place where everybody shares each others entree. My fat kid self and I usually like any place that we waddle over to. But for some reason I received the worst service and I refuse to ever go back there. And I'm not some restaurant snob, I usually like anywhere I go. To make a long story short, they never gave my entree (pizza) that I ordered. We had a waiter and waitress for our table. After everybody got their meals, I mentioned to the waitress that I never got my entree. She told me she would go check and she never came back to give me an explanation. I saw our waiter, asked him what the deal is? and he told me it would be the next pizza out. 15 minutes later it never came. It wasn't the biggest deal since I had already ate enough that night and plus from my over-eating for the last 27 years I can probably starve myself for the next 10 years and be okay. But this was more about the principle people. I don't mean to brag, but I've worked in customer service before. And I would never, ever neglect a customer like that. I mean if they were smelly or psychotic maybe I would. And I am neither of those two. Okay, I'm trying to take care of the smelly part.

Overall, the bad service made for a bit of a stressful night. It kind of put a damper on the conversation flow and other dining aspects that we take for granted. Finally the waitress comes back out, after everybody is done eating, and apologizes for the mishap. She asks me if I would like to have the pizza now or get it to go. Because everyone was pretty much done I didn't know what to do. But I knew people at the table were waiting to try some of my pizza. So I was conflicted on what to do. My GF was sitting to my right, so I politely tapped on her shoulder to consult with her. I got no answer from her because she was engaged in a conversation with her aunt. I tapped her again on the shoulder and still nada. No answer. In hindsight, I should of been more decisive and answered the question on my own. But to me this quandary that I was in, was like Sophie's Choice and I had no answer. With the waitress still waiting for my answer and the urgency, I then slightly grabbed my GF's arm to get her attention. Out of nowhere she belts out a massive, loud, SCREAM that the whole city of Chicago felt. She turns to me and says "Owww, that really hurt!" I am now frozen and do not know how to respond. The whole family is staring at me, including her father like I have just physically abused her. I do not know if you've ever seen me before but in most cases 9/10 times a girl would beat me up in a fight. I might fare better in the W66-90 demographic. Plus, I have the most feminine, softest hands that feel like feathery pillow. And I cry when somebody pinches me. In conclusion, I am not that strong. But for some reason my GF decided to yelp and called for 911 when I grabbed her arm to get her attention. Later, she apologized for her outburst and said I just caught her by surprise. Unfortunately her apology did not change the scowl on her father's face, as he looked at me with extreme rage. Which I don't blame him for. I would do the same thing if some dufus dildo did that to my daughter. Let's just say the awkward conversations between him and I will unfortunately have to continue.

I'm Out!

Can you say "Menage a trois"?

-Apparently "America's Next Top Model" has a post-op transvestite as one of their contestants. I now have 801 reasons to not watch this show.

-Can you say karma as the reason for Tom Brady's injury? I think Bridget Moynahan strategically placed a banana peel on the field.

-The Bears defense impressed the heck out of me last week. And I hate to brag, but I kind of predicted a win to my close confidants. Who am I kidding? I really don't have any close confidants, but do demented homeless people count?

-David Duchovny is seeking to get help for his sexual addiction problem. It's horrible what the side effects of chasing aliens can do to you. I recently heard that Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen are competing to replace him in the next X-Files movie.

-Call me crazy, but I actually enjoy watching "The View." I get a kick out of that Joy Behar. But good God, can somebody please hit that Survivor Hasselback with a frying pan?

-I actually thought about this recently. And I was trying to figure out how much money it would take for me to go see "Disaster Movie." I came to the consensus that a grand would do it.

-I will use the "Disaster Movie" money to start the "Hit Survivor Hasselback with a Frying Pan" fund.

-I recently saw Chris Brown and Rihanna when I walked out of a movie theater the other day. Can you say "Menage a trois"? Actually I did say that and now have a restraining order against me and a black eye.

-Why is it that every picture of the Jonas Brothers, the youngest one, Nick, poses like Zoolander. I find it very annoying. In other news, I'm not gonna lie, the middle Jonas is not a bad looking kid. Can you say "Menage a trois plus one? "

I'm Out!

Hands Across America

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Douche meets "Entourage"

So this past week I was in LA for the Espys. For all you peeps who don't know what the Espys are, its basically a Espn Sports award show. It's like the Oscars or Grammys for Sports. I was able to get this trip through work. I won't get into the specifics, but basically my buddy/co-worker Johnny was offered this ESPN sponsored trip. And of course he was gracious enough to take me along for the ride. This is the same guy who has taken me to Milwaukee twice, Cleveland twice, Hartford/Boston, San Diego, and now LA. So I guess its fair to say I probably I owe my life to this dude.

Anyways, we arrive in LA Tuesday morning. A driver meets us at the airport, holding a sign with our names. How cool is that? I never thought I would be that guy with my name on a sign. I mean shit, who am I? Really just some schlub who works in the media industry. So we get to our hotel and decide to walk around LA for a little bit. Our driver suggested that we hit up "In and Out Burger." Given Johnny and myself's fat kid resume, we thought it was a fantastic idea. Before we left for grub, we had to check in with the ESPN people. So we talk to these ESPN representatives and they give us a run down of what's going for the next two days. And then they tell us to grab a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. Now this somewhat amusing, because Johnny was just mentioning how he forgot to bring his sunglasses and he was going to have to buy a pair. Then almost magically through the heavens, ESPN tells us to pick out a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses, assuming worth $100. Since it was a bit of a walk to "In and Out" we took a cab down Sunset Blvd. Since we were so hungry and not sure where it was at. Our plan was to take a cab there and walk back. On the way in the cab we passed by all this cool stuff. One thing I saw was a film crew out on the street filming something. I was curious to see what they were filming, but given this was LA I figured it probably wasn't that big of a deal. And they were probably shooting some commercial or something. We get to the Burger joint and chow down on some Burger and Fries. The food was good, but not as great as everybody made it out to be.

After the feast, we decide to walk back down Sunset Blvd. We saw all these cool sites. Comedy Store, Laugh Factory, Viper Room, Directors Guild of America etc . . . Finally we came to the spot where they were filming. From across the street I could see a hot blonde. Again I did not think this was a big deal. Hot blondes are all over this friggin place. Then Johnny tells me he overheard they are shooting "Entourage." I was like, "Are you kidding me?" There wasn't even a huge crowd watching. And here in my first hour in LA, I bump into the filming of one of the biggest shows in the country. So I quickly waddle over and cross the street. I walk up as close as I can and nobody says a word to me. I guess security assumes that I'm part of the crew. Right away, I see Kevin Dillon. And I'm thinking this is amazing! Then, security asks me if I'm part of the crew. Stupidly, I say no. He tells me to wait behind this yellow taped line. I watch them film a scene and I see the rest of the cast. I'm thinking to myself, when else am I going to be a situation like this? I had to walk away with some type of evidence I was here. Either get a picture with one of the actors or shoot the shit with them. They end shooting one of their scenes and you can only walk by the set if you are trying to cross the street. So as I walk by there is some guy getting a pic with Kevin Dillon and Turtle is taking the picture. So right when I was ready to get to talk to him, the Director yells that they are going to start filming again and for everybody to leave. Strategically, I walk across the street. So that when they stop shooting again, I'll be able to walk past the set again. I know as you are reading this, you are probably thinking . . . "Man, this guy is acting a gay stalker little school girl, about these dudes." You know what, I don't give a shit, say what the hell you want. I was trying to make some history here. Anyways, they shoot the scene and take another break. This was probably my last chance to get a pic. Because if I keep on walking by the set back and forth, I'm sure security would get suspicious. So I walk past the set again and to my right I see Vincent and E sitting down smoking a cigarette. On the show, Vincent plays the movie star and E plays the best friend/manager. I really had no idea how they would react. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "These guys are going to totally tell me to screw off or we're too busy for a pic." I then walk up to them and say, "I'm really sorry to bother you guys, but is it cool if I just got a quick picture." E quickly gets up and is like, "Oh yeah sure, no problem." Seeing how E was cool with it, Vincent then gets up also. I could tell Vincent kind of did not want to, but felt he had to since E was willing. At this moment, I was like "Holy shit!" I had no idea it was going to be this easy. Just to think two days ago I was sitting in my underoos, scratching my ass, watching them on the Tele and here I am taking a pic with the two of them. So with E on the left, Vincent in the middle, and myself on the right we pose for a picture. Fortunately, Johnny was right there behind me to be able to take the picture. I think I said to Vincent before the picture, "Sorry, that I'm a little sweaty. It's so friggin hot." I could tell Vincent was thinking "Somebody get this friggin gross douche away from me." And thinking about it right now, I don't know why I had to tell him I was sweaty. Friggin awesome!

More from the Espys to come later.

I'm Out!

Bulls Talk, Brooke Hogan, and "Little Man" Hype

-Let me just say I am extremely surprised that my Bulls were able to sign Ben Wallace. First of all, I didn't not think Paxson was interested in Wallace because of his age and the money that it would cost. Secondly, I never thought he would leave the Pistons for the Bulls. But he did and its friggin awesome. Wallace brings some much needed toughness and experience that the Bulls desperately needed. Now it looks like Tyson Chandler will be traded with that God awful contract. My sources tell me he will go to the Hornets for P.J. Brown. I think P.J. Brown will be a great addition because he is the ultimate professional and will be able to mentor Tyrus Thomas. Also, P.J. Brown's contract ends after next year, so that will give the Bulls cap space room to sing their core players who will be up from new contracts soon. As for the draft, I was not as happy as most people. I understand Tyrus Thomas has the potential to be a good player. But he's 6'8 and only weighs 220 pounds. We needed a center who could score down low. And Aldridge gave us that, but for whatever reason Paxson did not like him. But given Paxson's track record I will shut the hell up and trust him. Can't wait till next season!

Other random awkward thoughts . . .

-I've came to the realization that I cannot snap my fingers. If anybody would like to come and show me I would greatly appreciate it.

-At all costs try to stay away from the L and Wrigleyville during Cubs games. Believe me, it is in the best interest for you to stay away from those large crowds of bafoons.

-Read my Lips . . . Brooke Hogan will be the next biggest Pop Star in the world.

-If you are looking for a new funny show. Watch Comedy Central's new show "Dog Bites Man." It's from the same proudcer of the Ali G Show.

-If you think I am serious with the second to last comment I just made. Then please never read my blog again and make sure to get on the next L to Wrigleville on a Cubs game day.

-Rumor has it I will be making a trip out to LA for the ESPYS. I know most of you are thinking I will be accepting an award for my 31-point performance I had in a park district basketball game earlier this year. But that is not the reason. (For reference: Please read the Air Douche blog entry. )

-My favorite song right now. Snow Patrols; "Hands Wide Open."

-The person that I would like to punch in the face right now . . . Is young singer, John Mayer wannabe, bitch Teddy Geiger. Man that kid irritates me!

-I am looking forward to seeing "Superman Returns" for only one reason. To see Kevin Spacey play Lex Luthor.

-I already bought my tickets to see the Wayans Brothers new movie "Little Man." I don't know what all of you think, but that looks like a laugh riot! (Who is the mother-fu*ker that allows those non-talent clowns to make movies?)

-Does this ever happen to you? You are getting ready to go out somewhere (ex: bars, dinner, work etc.) In your head you are content with how you look, so you leave to go out. Then maybe an hour or two later you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and "Good God, this is not how I thought I looked." Well this happens to me frequently and its a bit frustrating.

-Christine Auguilera is looking better and better these days.

-I'm Out!

The Break-Up, Zach Braff Look-A-Like, and Screech

-I saw the movie "The Break-Up" last weekend. I felt the movie was mediocre. It wasn't great and it wasn't bad. Vince Vaughn had his moments, but overall I found most of the movie to be very slow. It was neat to see how the film was shot in Chicago. Speaking of scenery, Jennifer Anniston looked so friggin hot it was ridiculous. I thought she might of lost too much weight, but I was wrong . . . She still has it going on! Scenes involving Vaughn and John Faverau were hilarious, since they have phenomenal on-screen chemistry. But boy did Faverau put on some weight. I think he might of eaten Rudy. Rating: 2 1/2 Awkward moments out of 4. P.S. I thought the movie ended the right way.

-I am all for Dallas beating the crap out of those Miami A-Holes in the NBA finals. First of all Dirk Nowitzki has turned into one of my favorite players. He's always been able to score, but now he's added some toughness to his repitriore. And who would of thought Avery Johnson would be such a good head basketball coach?

-My take on the Ben Rothensberger motorcycle accident. My question to Ben is how many athletes do you need to see get hurt on a motorcycle before you realize this is not a good idea? I mean we have Kellen Winslow Jr., Jason Williams, Jeff Kent, and Aaron Rowand etc . . . Have all had serious injuries from riding a motorcycle. Dumb move pal!

-Don't ask me why, but I tried to watch the spoof parody movie "Date Movie." Oh my gosh was it just brutally bad. I had to turn it off after 20 minutes. It was truly unbearable to watch. I think I rather watch my traumatizing, embarrassing Bar Mitzvah Video 100 times in a row than sit through that piece of crap.

-It was announced that Zach Braff and Mandy Moore have called it quits. Now I don't know if this is true or not, but I've been told by a few people that I look like Zach Braff. So does this mean then that I can get Mandy Moore caliber ass?

-I realize the answer to the previous question is no. I thought I would just give it a shot.

-Speaking of ass . . . (Amazing Seg-Way) I waddled over to Walgreens the other day. And I noticed that they now have condoms locked up in a case. I guess these thieves who have been steeling Claritin and Mach 3 razor blades, are finally getting laid. Congrats!

-As I was driving to work the other day, I heard Paris Hilton new hit single "Stars Are Blind" on my satellite radio. I think I could make better music, dropping a deuce and listening to Clay Aiken music simultaneously.

-On the Howard Stern Show recently, Screech from Saved By the Bell was on as a guest. Screech revealed that his special member is 10 inches long. I gotta guess Lisa Turtle is kicking herself in the ass after hearing that one.

-I'm Out