Baby Got Back

So I’m writing/producing this web series (I'll wait for your applause) and one of the episodes requires the main character to stumble upon a pornographic magazine. I usually hate doing any type of research, but this was a task I was more than happy to accept. I first went to the “Hustler” Store” on Sunset, but everything they had was a little too tame. I needed a magazine that was a little more out there.

I then went to Long Beach to meet with a friend and asked him if there were any adult stores in the area. He directed me to a place called Phat Toys. I don’t know who named that store, but that person is a true genius. I waddle into Phat Toys and locate their magazine area. They didn’t have the biggest selection, but they did have a magazine called “Big Black Butts.” All I could think was jackpot! The magazine consisted of plus-sized African-American woman and their curvaceous figures.

I'm legally changing my name to Jonno-Mix-A-Lot

 I must say that whenever you purchase something in an adult video store, it’s always a little awkward with the sales clerk. You just feel like such a dirty, scummy human being. I felt a little better since I wasn’t using this magazine for my own enjoyment and it was for a project I was working on. Plus, I figured people have bought much worse than a “Big Black Butt” magazine at Phat Toys.  

As I approach the cash register, there wasn't anybody behind the counter. I hear a woman’s voice say “I’ll be right there.” A few moments later a heavy-set African-American woman walks out in a skimpy outfit. I immediately freeze as she notices my “Big Black Butt” magazine. She then looks at me and gives me a little wink and a smile. It was love at first sight because the Phat Toys sales clerk and I are now engaged. Please be on the look-out for a Save-The-Date card in the mail. (It mainly consist of a picture of both of our asses)

I don’t know about you, but I could sure go for some McNuggets!

-The other day I was walking around Beverly Hills and saw a middle-aged homeless woman rummaging through the garbage with a beard. And this wasn’t just a goatee it was more of a ZZ Top beard.  I was so repulsed from the image, I've had troubled eating since. So if you’re looking for a new diet after the holidays, I highly recommend the seeing a homeless- woman-with-a-beard-rummaging-through-garbage-diet.

-I don’t mean to come off as a comedy snob, but there aren’t too many TV shows that make me laugh aloud. That was until I came across the “New Girl.” Even though, Zooey Deschanel is great in it, the real person taking over the show is the Schmidt character. That character is a pure comedic gold mine. And just so you know Zooey and I have moved on ever since she gave me a dirty look at the movie theater. (See blog entry "500 Days of an Awkward Summer")

-Anybody that knows me is aware that I have an unhealthy obsession with the Muppets. I got a chance to see their new movie and it was everything I could have asked for and more. I was actually smiling for the duration of the whole movie. I think the last time I smiled that much was when I was a little kid. I take that back, it occurred last night when I was flipping through the pages of the “Big Black Butt” magazine.

Seriously... How does this not make you smile?

-Thank you ESPN for talking about Tim Tebow every single, friggin morning and making me feel like I’m reliving the movie “Groundhog Day.”

-Speaking of sports… When I applied to Penn St. back in high school and didn’t get in, I always thought it was because I wasn’t smart enough. I now realize it was because I wasn’t sexy enough. (ba-da bing!)

-The other day… I was at my GF’s place and her cleaning lady was finishing up. I wanted to come off as a pleasant and affable individual, so I began speaking to her in the little Spanish that I do know. After a few moments, she tells me in a perfect American accent that she doesn't speak Spanish and speaks French. How do you say awkward in French?   

H.A.K.A.S