Baby Baby Baby...

The other night, I got home from work on a Thursday night at around 9pm. I parked my car and then heard this strange sound, but I just assumed it was some noise my Prius was making. When I opened the door, it sounded like there was a baby crying literally right next to me.


The problem was that it was pitched dark outside, so I really couldn’t see a thing. In addition, I park in a shared carport in an alley behind my apartment and there was not one single living creature in sight besides me and this mysterious crying baby. So to put it mildly, I was a bit freaked out. Actually not a bit, I was scared shitless. And if you’ve never experienced hearing a baby crying, in a dark, deserted alley, it’s quite a creepy and eerie feeling.

The thought did occur to me that the sound could have been some cat or animal that was trapped underneath something, but the noise was very distinct and extremely close to me, so I was pretty sure it sounded like a baby. It was also garbage night, so there was a garbage can right next to the carport. Using my detective retardo skills, I came to the conclusion that this baby/animal was either in the garbage can or trapped underneath the car I share a carport with.


Now, I did not open the garbage can or poke my head underneath the car for two reasons…


1. If it was an animal, I didn’t want it to jump out at me and latch onto my face.

2. This might sound a bit insane, so please bear with me….The thought also occurred to me that maybe the baby crying was a recorded sound used to startle me so then somebody could rob and attack me.

Some people may call me "The Baby Whisperer"

In case it was a baby, I did not want to leave it abandoned so I decided to look for some help. I figure if it was an animal or some other human that was going to attack me, it’s always good to have numbers. Plus, I wanted to make sure I was not going insane and this baby crying sound did indeed exist. So I decided to turn to my always available and unemployed Persian neighbor.

Here’s a little background about my Persian neighbor…

• He has been unemployed ever since I’ve lived at my place, which has been over a year now.
• When I walk into my apartment or leave it, he is always there to greet me.
• There are times when I don’t even see him and he sneaks up behind me to say hello.
• He is an extremely nice gentleman, but tends to be a bit chatty.
• He is also the same individual that told me I have a beautiful voice because he listens to me sing in the shower outside my bathroom window.

Despite all of his irritating characteristics, I knew I could count on my Persian neighbor to be available and help me during this crisis. So I walk up to his door and knock and he is of course not home. Are you kidding me? This guy is always friggin home and the one time I actually need him he is nowhere to be seen! I then call my buddy who lives down the street and of course he did not answer because he was at his girlfriend’s place.

With not other option, I decide to go in my apartment, recollect my thoughts and figure out some sort of plan. I was extremely tired and very hungry, so all I wanted to do was eat some grub and watch one of my DVR’d Jimmy Kimmels. But I knew I couldn’t do that because there was a damn baby to save! My neurotic mind was concerned that police could find out through some hidden camera that I abandoned this baby, maybe I could be prosecuted. I also thought what if this baby unfortunately dies and it’s ghost comes back to haunt me for the rest of my life?


Given both of these very likely scenarios, I decided to get a flashlight and be a God damn hero. As I flashed the light towards my carport, I fortunately did not see or hear a sound. I might not have given it the best and longest effort, but I did give it a shot. Till this day, I honestly have no idea what the heck that sound was.


So let’s cut to about a week later… I get an e-mail forward from my mom. It’s one of these forwards from the police that give you a list of ten things to be aware of so you can avoid being robbed or assaulted. I quickly skimmed through the list, until I come to number nine on the list.

9.“Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird… The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door…' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.”


So maybe I'm really not as crazy as I think I am? Also, does this mean that serial killers think I’m a woman?


H.A.K.A.S.