British Accents, Peanut Butter, and Lebron James

A friend that I met here in LA had asked me to read a part in his staged reading for his TV pilot. I was surprised that he would ask a person such as myself, given that I have the tendency to be a stammering, mumbling, fumbling idiot. To add on to my bewilderment, the part that he wanted me to read was for one of the leads. I wanted to grab my friend, shake him, and yell "Do you have any idea what you are getting yourself into?" Wisely, I decided against doing that and instead hid my doubts and insecurities. The day of the staged reading I looked over the script, just as any diligent, professional actor would do to get into character. The lines didn't seem too difficult, given that the character I was playing was the quasi-facetious older brother. Right as I felt comfortable, I saw that I had to sing/rap to the song "Suga Suga" by the artist Baby Bash. I thought to myself, you gotta be kidding me? Rapping? If you don't recognize this song from the title, believe me you've heard it. I looked up the video on YouTube(after a pit-stop at YouPorn) and did my darnedest to get the hook down. I figured if I purposely sang bad, then people would laugh with me rather then at me. I remember learning that from a "Family Matters" episode with Steve Urkel. (Awkward Fun Fact: I dressed up as Steve Urkel in 4th grade for Halloween. The costume was great, except for being tall, skinny, and black I was short, portly, and Jewish).
     (Can you tell which one is the real Urkel?)

Anyway, now that I got the rap song out of the way it was now time to continue with the script. Towards the end of the script was a line that read "Crank this shit up!". Now, normally this would appear to be a simple line to read. The twist is that in parentheticals it said to say the line in a British accent. Back in the day I could do a British accent with no problem. I don't mean to brag, but in 5th grade I was MAN #2 in OLIVER TWIST. Even though I had about two lines, the accent came to me with great ease and I had an immense about of confidence performing it. I'm not sure what has happened in the last 18 years, but I have completely lost the ability to do the accent. Before the staged reading we rehearsed the script with the rest of the cast. When it came to the part of the British accent, I was hoping I could just read the line without the accent and nobody would notice. That plan backfired when my friend was like, "Dude where's the accent?" I was like, "Do I really have to do it? I'm horrible at it." He replied, "You gotta do it. It's important." I didn't want to let him down so I unfortunately knew I had to give it a shot.

So the audience is seated and the staged reading begins and all I can friggin think about is that damn British accent. I can't get it out of my mind. As each page of the script goes by, I'm thinking I'm closer and closer to humiliating myself. It kind of had an affect on my other lines and made me stumble on some of them. I probably would have stumbled regardless, but let's blame it on that. My rap solo of "Suga Suga" did not go as horrible as I expected. I actually got a few laughs out of it, so I was hoping that would give me some momentum for the British accent. We hit pg. 32 and it's time to deliver the goods folks. It felt I was up to the plate in the bottom of the 9th with 3 balls, 2 strikes. and 2 outs. I got my game face on and tried to deliver the best British accent somebody could deliver. And what came out of my mouth, is something that is extremely difficult to describe. The best way to put it, is that my accent sounded like Corky from "Life Goes On" being lit on fire. After I did the accent, there were a few moments of awkward silence, since the audience had no idea I was attempting a British the accent. But the other cast members knew what I was trying to do and they all started laughing uncontrollably. The laughing was definitely not with me, but at me and well deserved I must say. I did feel bad for my friend because I butchered his script, but at least I did warn him of my retarded limitations. After this incident, I think it's time I hung up acting shoes and my Steve Urkel Halloween costume and stick to the writing. Although, that might need to be hung up too.

I know what you've been craving for the last few months... The McNuggets!!!

-I know this is a little old, but I have to comment on the Sandra Bullock divorce from Jesse James. Sandra, I'm sorry to hear that Mr. James cheated on you, but what the hell did you expect? The guy has a kid with a Porn Star? I don't know what your criteria is for characteristics you look for in a husband, but I would think having a kid with a porn star would be near the bottom of that list. And stop with this whole bad boy dating image thing. Maybe you could have done that during the "Speed" days, but you're 45 years old now. How about meeting a nice Jewish boy on JDATE or something?  I would just maybe leave out the whole adopting the African baby thing on the profile, to improve your chances.  Maybe wait to the fourth or fifth date for that revelation.

-The other day I came into work and there was this strong smell of Peanut Butter on me. I figured it must have been because I had eaten peanut butter/jelly toast for breakfast. But I still felt that the smell was a bit more pungent than usual. An hour or two later, I waddle into the bathroom and look in the mirror... And what I see is a huge glob of peanut butter on my chin. Two questions I immediately had for myself... 1) How did I not feel the peanut butter on my chin? 2) How many people saw this and did not tell me?

-If I had to choose the biggest scumbag on the planet right now, I might have to choose Ben Roethlisberger. Last year the dude gets charged with sexual assault with a Lake Tahoe Hotel Staff member, but was somehow able to get the charges dropped. In other words, the woman was paid off. Then, this past month he gets charged for sexual assault again with some college girl at a Georgia Bar. Dude, what's your deal? How many bullets do you think you can dodge? You have the money to be with any woman you want, so why would you have to resort to this? All I know, is that there no chance in hell that I will be drafting Ben Roethlisberger in the upcoming Fantasy Football draft. So take that you despicable piece of crap!

-I don't know if you caught the SNL that Betty White hosted, but it was one of the best episodes I've seen in years. The last time I could feel that much energy was when Jim Carrey hosted over ten years ago. Why can't it be like that every week?

-What a disappointing playoff loss for Lebron and the Cavs. It's almost as if they just gave up and threw in the towel.  I know there are a lot of rumors about Lebron coming to the Bulls(my favorite sports team). But I gotta admit, I would feel guilty if Lebron came to Chicago.  I just know how devastating it would be to the city of Cleveland if he left. Sorry Drew Carey, but all your "Cleveland Rocks" songs would not make up for his absence.  My prediction... Lebron gets courted by JayZ and the new Russian billionaire owner and goes to the New Jersey Nets.

-Even though I've given up on the show "Lost" because I'm lost when I watch it. (Get it? I used the same word twice.) How pathetic is it that the show's intro still spooks me out even though I've seen it a hundred times and know it that it's coming? All I can say, is that my Spiderman night light has been the best purchase I've made in years.

 (I think I just wet myself)



I'm Out!