To Catch an Awkward Predator

The other night, I had nothing going on. Which is shocking, given there is usually a waiting list of people waiting to hang out with me. Anyway, my friend asks me if I would want to go to this girl’s place with him. From what he told me, he didn’t really have any interest in her, but she would constantly text him. I guess the girl asked to him to bring a friend, since she was hanging out with another girl. My friend warned me that these girls were not attractive. I said I didn’t really care because… A) Who am I to judge? B) I was more going for the material than anything else. C) These girls were 21 and a little too young for my taste. D) All the above and I’m desperate as hell. If you’re scoring at home, D is the correct answer. We drive out to this girl’s place. It was about a half hour drive. My friend really knew nothing about where she lived. We get there and apparently she lives is this gated community. And I’ve never really driven through a gated community before. It was like something you saw out of a movie. So we had to give our name to the security guy. Even though the security guard stared me down for a good two minutes, he eventually let us in. We drove past some houses and they were absolutely enormous. I was getting more excited about this girl’s house, than anything else. We pull up and it’s a gorgeous house. If anything, I was ready to move in. It was evident, that she was probably living at home with her family. So then that made me wonder if her parents were home.

We walk up to the door and the girl lets us in. She looked a bit tired and maybe a little under the weather. So it wasn’t the most generous vibe walking in. Although, I usually never get generous vibes wherever I go, so maybe it’s me. Anyway, I was carrying a six pack of Bud Light. Actually, it was a four pack since I had drank two of them in the car. I know what you’re thinking, “What a generous house warming present, numb-nuts”. As I walk in I could hear a lot of giggling and chitter-chatter. I thought it was just going to be another girl there, but it sounded like there were definitely more people of both sexes. She leads us to the family room. And as I walk in, I pretty much just freeze. There are two girls and two guys sitting on the couch. The girls look like they are underneath blankets and wearing their pajamas. There is a plate of brownies on the table and they’re drinking milk. One of the girls was painting the boys arm. I could not believe my eyes. What the hell was this? A Junior High pajama party? This was totally different than what my friend had explained to me over the phone. Which was… me, my friend, and two girls hanging out and drinking. As I walk in the four younger people stare at me with their mouth dropped open. They were probably thinking, who the hell is the old weirdo carrying beer? And should we call the police? In order to try and alleviate the awkward silence, I politely offered a beer to anybody who was interested. But of course, nobody was interested since beer doesn’t really go with brownies, milk, and face painting. I felt so uncomfortable, I was seriously waiting for Chris Hanson from NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” to walk up behind me and start questioning me.

(Jonno, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?)

I sit down on the couch and I can already hear some snickering from the youngsters. I looked over at my friend and he was just as shocked and pissed off as I was. They were watching “40-Year-Old Virgin”, so at least they had decent taste and weren’t watching "High School Musical 3". (I wonder if they graduate). I tried to make conversation with the kids, but I wasn’t getting much of response. It felt like I was in pure hell. Where every minute felt like an hour. The only thing that was giving me any attention was the girl’s eight pound little dog, Kloe. I tried to get Kloe’s digits, but unfortunately she didn’t have a cell phone. Finally after maybe of 45 minutes of being there, my friend texted me and asked if I wanted to get the hell out of there. And I could not have flew off the couch any sooner. There were just too many things that didn’t make sense to me. Why would this girl invite my friend and tell him to bring a friend, if she was babysitting her younger brother, younger sister, and their friends? Another good question might have been, why didn’t my friend find out more information before making the trip out there? And my final question is, will Chris Hanson ever track me down?

Other McNuggets…

-Speaking of McNuggets…I waddled into this McDonalds in Burbank the other day. My plan was to get something quick to eat because I was going to a friends show. Given that there was a long wait in the drive thru line, I figured it would be wiser to go inside and order. I walk inside and walk up to the counter. The McDonalds employees appeared somewhat busy. So pretty much five minutes go by and they don’t even acknowledge my existence. I figured it wasn’t worth waiting for, so I just left. Cut to two hours later… I’m driving back home and I pass by the same McDonalds. So I’m pretty hungry at this point. I contemplate turning in, but I say what the hell and I give it one more shot. Again the drive-thru was pretty busy, so I go back inside. There were a few other customers waiting for their orders. So I walk up to the counter and give it a second try. The two or three McDonalds employees still ignore me. This time I wait another good five minutes and I get nothing! No one look or acknowledgement in my direction. I thought about yelling out loud and saying “HELLO!”, but for some reason the little bitch in me took over and I didn’t say a word. Instead, I kicked the door open and stormed out of there. Yeah that’s right, I totally showed them. But seriously, it was like I was living in a “Twilight Zone” episode and I was invisible or something. I mean how in the hell could this happen twice? I know it makes no sense how I did not speak up and say something. But really anything I do makes a little or no sense. I’m thinking because of this incident I’m going to have to rename my “Other McNuggets…” segment. Bastards!

-Given all the controversy surrounding Late night talks shows, I figure I must give my two cents. First of all, I have never been a fan of Jay Leno. I never understood how this man got his own talk show. I know he’s a decent stand-up, but he is not spontaneously funny and is a horrible interviewer. Especially when guys like Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel are friggin hilarious. Leno should just get the hint already and just give it up. He doesn’t need the money, he has no kids, and plus everybody hates him right now. I know Conan is making a crap load of money, so it’s hard to feel sorry for him. But I think it’s more than money with him and more about the principle. He’s wanted the Tonight Show gig forever and never really was given a fair chance. I also feel bad for all those people that work on the show and moved their families from NY to LA. The real person behind this mess and should be getting the blame, is Jeff Zucker, the president of NBC. That guy has single handedly brought NBC to the shitter and made it the laughing stock of television. When I was growing up, NBC always had the best shows and was like the Rolls Royce of the networks. Mr. Zucker, if you’re reading this… NBC is not the right spot for you and I know a job that is better suited for you. There is a McDonalds in Burbank that could really use your help.

-I don’t know what is, but lately I’ve seen numerous people picking food out of their teeth. I guess it would make more sense if it was happening at restaurants, but I’m seeing it wherever I go. Walking down the street, in my car, at the gym, bank, post office, whorehouse… You name it! I find picking food out of your teeth is extremely gross and nauseating. It should be treated equally as picking your nose. And why is everybody getting food stuck in their teeth? Is everybody on some kind of laffy taffy kick that I’m not aware of? Laffy taffy… (Insert Homer Simpson drooling noise)

-Why does every darn commercial these days, have to be the old lady from “Legion”. I know I touched on this from a previous blog, but it’s almost like she’s following me or something. And it always tricks me because the commercial starts off with the sweet and gentle old lady, before she goes off on her devilish transformation and spazzes out. It’s bad enough that they play this commercial three times a day, but I feel like it’s been going on for over a month now. I mean will damn movie come out already, so I can watch TV without covering my eyes!

(Your baby is gonna burn!)

-Speaking of TV, I have a new show that I recommend… “Men of a Certain Age”. I’ve never been a big Ray Romano fan, but this show has got me hooked. It’s kind of a dramedy, but with great characters and some really funny moments. I actually laughed out loud at the last episode, which I rarely do when I watch TV. I don’t know what it is, but I’m on this weird kick where I enjoy watching show/films where people have issues. Especially issues where a 28-year-old male, hangs out at a junior high sleepover or can’t order McDonalds two times in one night.

I’m Out!