500 Days of an Awkward Summer

I'm kind of a big deal these days... Okay not really, but I like to tell myself that. Recently, I went to the premiere of "500 Days of Summer". The Romantic Dramedy starring Joesph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. I knew Joesph Gordon-Levitt and the director were going to be in attendance, but I wasn't expecting anybody else. I sat down in the very crowded theater and saw this female sit a few seats down from me. And she looked just like Zooey Deschanel. I don't have many talents in life, but one of the few that I do have is spotting celebrities. I have a pretty good percentage rate of spotting them. I would say around a 75% success rate. So I'm sitting down in my aisle seat. (Btw, I never understood the whole sitting in the middle of the row? Does it really make a difference? Personally, I rather have the extra room.)

Anyway, she is sitting down in the same row as me. This guy needs to squeeze in the row, so being the polite gent that I am, I get up and allow him adequate space to squeeze by. He thanks me and we make-out. Kidding, I just gave him a reach around. It turns out this guy was Zooey's date/BF. A few minutes later, Zooey walks by me and I get up to allow her out of the row. She apologizes for making me get up again and promises it will be the last time. Being the witty guy that I am, I thought I would drop a little humor on her. So I say in a joking/sarcastic tone, "Well, it better be the last time!" The problem was that my tone was way off. It was almost like the devil took control over my vocal chords and prevented me me from my intended joking tone. So Zooey gives me a dirty look and walks away. Here was my chance, to impress one of the hot actresses out there and I blew it. To make matters worse, when she came back she entered on the opposite side of the row to avoid me. This is why I stick to writing rather than performing.

Other McNuggets...

-The other day it started raining on my walk to work. Instead of getting poured on, I thought I would catch the next bus that went by. So I waddle over to the nearest bus stand, and there is an African-American midget sitting on the bench and he appears to be cutting himself with some sort of object on his pant leg. If it was Webster or Garey Coleman, I would've felt more secure. But since it wasn't, I decided to forget about the bus and walk in the rain.

-Speaking of midgets... I recently read "The Orphan" script. I decided not to see it in theaters, because I didn't want to be sleeping with the light on in my parent's bed for a month. Apparently the twist (Spoiler) is that the Orphan is not really a young girl, she is a 30-year-old woman who suffers from a form of Dwarfism, who used to be a prostitute and escaped from a mental institution in Russia. I am now having second thoughts about the little boy I adopted that looks exactly like Verne Troyer. I may have to bring him back.

-I've come to the realization that whenever I see dudes email or text "LOL", there's a good chance they are a homosexual. I'm not sure why I feel this way, I have no statistical data to prove this. But whenever I see a male "LOL", I get an image of an extremely high-pitch laugh, with his hand tilted downward, as he drinks a Pina Colada.

-The most annoying song right now, without a doubt has to be the Black Eye Peas "I Got A Feeling." It is playing non-stop everywhere! If the song ends on one radio station and then I switch to another station, it comes on again! To make it worse they're using the song in TV and Films. CBS is using it as their Advertising Campaign for their prime time schedule. And how the hell is this even a song? A mentally challenged panda bear could write these lyrics... "Tonight's gonna be a good good night..." And tonight is NOT gonna be a good night. It's going to be a shitty night just like the rest of them! So stop misleading me and playing the damn song!

-I would like to be serious for a moment and mention how saddened I am, from the loss of John Hughes. In my opinion he is the best writer in film history. I know that is a strong statement, but if you look at the movies he put out year after year in the 80's, it is truly remarkable. His films had the ability to remain timeless and were the type you could watch a million times. I never understood why he stopped making films so early. His last directed film was in 1991. I heard rumors that his wife got tired of the LA lifestyle so they moved back to Illinois, but nobody knows for sure. It's too bad he doesn't get the recognition he deserves, until he passes away. But that's the way it kind of works these days. Thank you Mr. Hughes, for giving us the endless laughs and entertainment and hopefully one day I will be half the writer you were.

I'm Out!