Wax On, Wax Off

It was brought to my attention from a doctor's appointment that I have a lot of ear wax build up. Sorry ladies and little boys... My sexy, hot beefcake self might not be as desirable as once thought. I've always associated ear wax build up with an elderly person. But as I've learned throughout my 28 years, I tend to get many symptoms that an elderly person would have. So I was kind of hoping that I could get the ear wax out myself with a cue tip, but apparently it was so far in my ear that I had to go to a specialist. I don't know why my general doctor couldn't attempt to get it out, but my guess is that he did not want to get anywhere near it. Can I blame him? Not really. So I ended up making an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat doctor. After waiting for about an hour, my name finally gets called. By the way, why is it that I see the weirdest friggin people in doctor's waiting rooms? On second thought, maybe I look weird to the other people too? Okay, I'm just gonna shut up now.

I explain to the doctor's assistant that I need to get my ears cleaned out. Her reaction made it seem like this was a normal occurrence, so that made me feel a bit more comfortable. The doctor's assistant leaves the room and tells me that they'll be right back to clean them out. Now, in my mind I pictured them using some type of instrument, like a scalpel or something to get the ear wax out. But apparently I was wrong. These two nurses walk in with this mega huge super soaker looking device. It looked like the hose that fireman use to put out a massive fire. The nurses put this large tarp over me and I my head is spinning from not knowing what the hell is going on. The one nurse fills up this super soaker thingy, while the other nurse holds a cup underneath my ear. It would've been nice to hear some type of explanation of what's going to happen, but instead they just got right down to business. The nurse with the super soaker walks over to me and precedes to shoot the water into my ear. And I'm not just talking about a little squirt or two. It felt like she was pouring all of Lake Michigan into my ear at a hundred miles per hour. And it friggin hurt folks! I wanted to cry, but the one percent of integrity I have was able to beat out the 99 percent of panziness I have. Usually the 99 percent always wins.

So after a few minutes of shooting this water into my ear. The ear, nose, and throat doctor runs into the room. I was excited to see the doctor, because I was hoping he could give me some sort of an explanation to what's going on and possibly protect me from the giant super soaker. Instead he says to me, "Your insurance stinks." What the hell? Do I not get a hello? The doctor goes on to give me a lecture about my health insurance. And how stupid of me it was to choose an insurance with a $5,000 deductible. As he is telling me all of this, the woman is shooting the water into my ear and I can barely tolerate the pain or comprehend what he is saying. I explained to the doctor I was working a contract job where I wasn't getting insurance. So I had to pay for it out of my own pocket and I couldn't afford insurance with a lower deductible. But my question is, what the hell happened to the usual doctor greeting? "Hello, my name is Dr. so-in-so... nice to meet you... (Handshake followed by an ass fondle) What? Are you trying to tell me your doctor never fondled your ass? Looks like you need to find a new doctor!

After berating me about how stupid my insurance was, the doctor finally left. It was now time to clean out the left ear. I couldn't believe I was only half-way done. I wanted to take a breather from the super soaker so I attempted to make some small talk with the nurses. And by the way, thank the Lord that these nurses weren't attractive. Not that I really have a chance with the majority of attractive females out there. But if I did have a chance, I can't imagine anyone would be attracted to an ear wax filled idiot with horrible insurance. I'm not an avid reader of Cosmo, but my hunch is those are not traits women look for in men. So I asked the nurses if my ear wax build up was normal or is it usually more than they are used to seeing. They replied that it's pretty above average. What the hell is wrong with the doctor's office? I got the doctor telling me how stupid my insurance is and I have the nurses telling me my ear wax build up is not normal. They might as well tell me I suck at life and I should go crawl in a bunker and isolate myself from society. What ever happened to the decency of making the patient feel good about themselves? Even if they have to lie to me.


So it's now time to clean out my left ear. For some reason the nurse, decides to use water that is extremely hot. I'm talking about water that would be too hot to wash your hands in. So now I don't only have to deal with the discomfort of the water pressure hitting my ear, but also the scorching hot water. They might as well kick me in the nuts and give me a wedgie too. Because I'm sure those things would feel better than this! Finally, they were done cleaning out the left ear. I couldn't even tell you how happy I was to be done with this. It was as if I had survived a war and come back home. One of the nurses then shows me the cup that was being held underneath my ear. She's like, "Look! You see how much wax you had in there?" My idiotic self then looks in the cup and I almost vomit. I don't mean to gross any of my awkward readers, but I could not believe the size of the wax and how that could possibly fit in my ear. It was like the size of a goldfish. The nurse then says, "I bet you can hear a lot better now." But the truth was I couldn't hear any better. The reason being, I still had water stuck in both of my ears because of the God damn high pressure super soaker!


I'm Out!

McNugget Bonanza

-It is becoming apparent to me how comfortable some men are being naked in the locker room. I'm not talking about ripped, physically fit men. I'm talking about middle-aged, out of shape, hairy, saggy men. I've always been a believer to keep my nakedness to myself, except for a select few lucky ladies out there.(Not including my mom) Don't ge me wrong, if I looked like Terell Owens nude, I would be shaking my ass with no towel on. Given that I look like a pasty white, hairy, teletubbie naked... I'm fully aware of my limitations.

(T.O.) (Jonno)

But after seeing many schlubby men with small wangs prance around the gym locker room... I'm beginning to think that I need to embrace my nakedness and be proud of who I am! (By the way, I wasn't really looking at the small wangs. I just kind of took a peek and looked away. What? Everybody peeks.)

-I'm having an issue with public bathroom sinks. You know the ones where you push down on the knob to turn it on? Well I can turn them on, but the problem is that I can never turn them off. I do everything possible with the knob to turn it off and I can't get the water to shut off. I try twisting it to the right, to the left, pushing down, pushing up.... I get nothing! So then I wonder if it's one of those automatic ones that go off on it's own. So then I'm standing there like an idiot, staring at the sink for a few minutes waiting for the water to stop. And it doesn't! I don't want to be rude and just walk out with the water running, but I'm out of options people! How in the hell do you turn these sinks off? On another note, I'm not the biggest fan of the hand sensor paper towel dispensers. I look like a retarded mime trying to perform on a street corner. Not there's anything wrong with that. I'm sure they make an honest living.

-First David Letterman and now dudes from ESPN getting caught having affairs with fellow staffers. What is going on? Look, I know cheating happens. It's something that is very common with adults in the workplace. But Steve Phillips, what the hell are you thinking? You have a lovely wife, four children, a great job, and you risk all of that for this gal?

(I think I rather hook up with the teletubbie.)

Are you kidding me? And this is after you already admitted to having a sexual addiction problem and had an affair while you worked for the Mets. I'm sorry, but you deserve everything that is coming. I would also like to clear up this whole myth of sexual addiction. Every single man is addicted to sex. If every man could get laid, they would as much as possible. But some of us don't have many options. Now celebrity, rich, and powerful men can have sexual relations whenever they choose. So therefore, they are the ones that always admit to having a sexual addiction problem. (Michael Douglas, David Duchovny, Russell Brand etc...) Now I myself don't have a sexual addiction problem because I'm too busy trying to figure out how to turn off public sinks.

-You know you're getting old when you enjoy Costco. I went there the other day and had a friggin blast. The fat kid and I were going ape shit over the samples. Every aisle I walked in there was another friendly older lady handing me a delightful chicken taquito or a cream puff. I must say though there are a few awkward moments with the samples. First of all, I feel like I have to make small talk with the sample lady. I have to show some type of interest in the sample and ask questions about it, even though there is no chance in hell I'm going to buy a 75 pack of egg rolls. Another thing is the second helping walk of shame. Sometimes samples are so good, I cannot help myself but return for another one. Customer code says that you take one and walk away. So when I go for seconds it is extremely awkward between me and the sample lady. I do my best to not make eye contact with them or another option is to wear some funny glasses in disguise. Or if you have some extra time on your hands such as myself, wait till there is a shift change and a new sample lady takes over. Then it's fair game. By the way, I've realized there may be a correlation between my love for the Costco samples and my teletubbie nakedness.

-So I had an interesting thing happened to me during the other night while I was sleeping. No it was not a wet dream, so get your head out of the gutter. I'm actually still waiting for my first one to happen, I got my fingers crossed. Anyways, I was having a dream which I can't remember too much of. But apparently there was this dude, who I'm not sure if I knew and he was making just the funniest faces that I have ever seen. And I could not stop laughing. Like it wasn't just a chuckle, it was like one of those uncontrollable laughs where you can't even breathe. I was laughing so much, I woke up and still laughed for another ten minutes. I don't know what the hell made this dude and his funny faces so hilarious, but it was if I had been injected with laughing gas. But why funny faces? The last time that made me laugh I was 2 years old and crapping my diaper. If some stranger were to make those faces to me, while I was awake I would have to punch him in the face. Okay maybe I wouldn't really punch anybody, but at least I would pinch them or pull their hair.

-I heard on the news that a woman named Susan Finkelstein put a posting on Craigslist to get Phillies World Series Tickets by offering sexual favors. She was arrested by an undercover cop and her lawyer's excuse was that she has a case of Philly fever. First of all, is there a funnier name than Susan Finkelstein? It sounds like the name of my Hebrew Teacher growing up. I also love the explanation too that she has case of Philly Fever. I believe the correct diagnosis should be Whorish Fever.

(Jonno repeat after me.... Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam...)

I guess I can't really make fun of it, because I had White Sox fever back in 2005 when they made it to the World Series. The difference for me was that even though I already had World Series tickets, I was still giving out sexual favors. What can I say? I'm just very generous.

I'm Out!

Sit and Reach, Letterman, and the Craz-E Burger

So apparently when you join a new gym, the standard procedure is to get a physical assessment with one of the head trainers. I must say I am not a fan of this, but given the team player I am... I went through with it. Plus, I thought it would be great material for my awkward readers... And it of course did not disappoint. So I meet the head trainer, the guy is built like an Adonis. Apparently, he was a defensive back at Iowa and played a little bit in the NFL. At this point I'm thinking we have a lot of common, since I've played Fantasy Football for about ten years. So first he weighs me in, which wasn't too bad since I've dropped a few lbs. So I'm feeling decent at this point. Next up, was the body fat percentage. That did not go as well. The body fat percentage was a little higher than I expected. I know you want to know what is, but I'm sorry that is confidential between my trainer and I. But I'll tell you it's below 100 and higher than 1. Next up was the bicep strength test. Why don't we, just skip the results of that test. Next up was the dreaded sit and reach. Right away, I had flashbacks to the physical fitness test in 6th grade and a chubby little Jonno trying to do the sit and reach and failing miserably. Well after 16 more years, apparently nothing has changed. Folks, lets call a spade a spade, I'm not very flexible. I think a brick wall has a better chance of doing a somersault before I do. I was so bad at the sit and reach, that I could barely reach the measuring ruler. It doesn't help that I'm somewhat of a taller gent, but it was just a truly pathetic display. It you could somehow find a YouTube video of me attempting the sit and reach, I'm sure it would break the record for hits. The best way to explain how it looks, is to picture a Panda Bear trying to give itself oral.

(Jonno, how about a little help here?)

Mr. Adonis's next test was to check my heart rate. He had me speed walk on a treadmill for about ten minutes. At this point, I thinking this was my time to shine. I jog two miles 4-5 times a week. So I figured I would pass this test with flying colors. No dice, I got a bad score on that too. I'll blame it on the after effects of the sit and reach. So then Mr. Adonis gave me my summary. He said right now I have the health of a 32-year-old, which is four years older than my current age. He said ideally he wants me to have the health of a 19 year-old. At this moment, I felt like I was on the Biggest Loser where that creepy doctor with a lisp, makes all the fat people cry when he tells them how unhealthy they are. But really who wants to be a 19 year old? I could see maybe 22 or 23. But 19? Does that mean I also have to go back to using my Delaware fake Driver's License too? By the way, Dover is the capital of Delaware. That's a good thing to know in case you have a fake ID from Delaware and a bouncer asks that. In summary, I don't want to be 32 nor do I want to be the young age of 19. I would like to be the age that I'm currently at. I would also like to do the sit and reach with more ease. And I'm sure Panda Bears would like to give themselves oral with more ease. Panda Bears... Let's work together on this. With hard work and determination, we can do it!

Other McNuggets...(I saw a woman eating a 10 piece McNugget at a food court recently. And I strongly debated punching her and stealing them. I did not because I against Female and McNugget abuse.)

-This Letterman stuff is crazy. The more and more I hear about, it just gets wackier and wackier. I'm usually not surprised when I hear somebody famous cheating. But I admit, with Letterman I was surprised. Given, that he is one of the most private celebrities out there. You never ever hear a peep about him nor see a picture of him. When I found out that the person he was having an affair with was Stephanie Birkitt, the PA/Intern who was was constantly on the show. Whenever, I was watching Letterman and saw her on there, I always found it curious as to why she was always on the show. And obviously now it all makes sense. Mr. Letterman, I think you're one of the funniest people in history, but how dumb can you be? To constantly showcasw the person you're sleeping with on the show, when you never had another PA/Intern on there. Isn't that a little suspicious? In other talks show news, it's being reported that Jimmy Kimmel is dating the head writer. What's going on here with all these talk show hosts being pimps? Is Oprah the only one that doesn't get laid? Come on, we all know Stedman bats for the other team.

-I went to go see "Zombieland" the other day. The movie was alright, it was bit gruesome at times but entertaining. One problem with seeing a R rated Zombie movies are the trailers. I am a big fat wuss. I do not handle scary movies well at all. So I'm watching this one trailer, it starts off kind of peaceful. This pregnant young woman and her husband are at some rural diner. A nice old lady approaches the pregnant woman. And she politely asks, "Are you pregnant" And the woman replies, "Yes I am." The old lady then says, "Oh that's nice." So I'm thinking, okay maybe this isn't a scary movie and instead something nice and calm . Then out of nowhere, the Old lady says in a devilish voice, "You're baby is going to burn!" and then tries to take a bite out of the pregnant woman. I literally almost jumped out of my seat. I strongly debated running to my car and hiding underneath it, while I sucked my thumb. But good God that was frightening. So thinking I was done with the scariest trailer, the next one was the new Freddy Kreuger movie. I said a Mother F'er under my breath and stared at the ground until it was over. Note to self: Only go to G-Rated movies or don't enter the theater until the trailers are done.

-People in Chicago have no idea how lucky they are that the Olympics did not come here. I couldn't believe how disappointed everybody was when they found out news. It was as if some monumental person died or something. Do they realize what it would've been like? Ridiculous crowds of people, horrible traffic, threats to the public's safety etc... Wait a second, Chicago already has all of those things. Never mind.

-So I hear Russell Brand and Katy Perry are an item now. I'm sure Mr. Brand is dating her after reading one of my previous entries, where I discussed how Ms. Perry's attractiveness is very underrated. So he wanted to beat me to her. I get that. I am threatening figure. But let's be realistic here... I give this a few months, tops. And Katy when you need to somebody to be there for you after a difficult break-up, I'm only 101 feet away. (The Restraining Order stated I couldn't be within 100 feet)

-Speaking of stalking... I am the only one who is getting harassed by Micah Carter in my gmail? Micah Carter I have no idea who the hell you are, but you have to be the most annoying individual on the planet. Because you literally send me a spam e-mail daily. And they're always personalized too, like we're best buds or something. Micah I don't know you and frankly don't want to know you. Maybe you can wine and dine me sometime and change my mind. But as of right now, leave me the hell alone! Geez, now I know how Katy Perry feels.

-I like greasy food just as much as the next guy. But I have to admit, when I heard about the Krispy Kreme's "Craz-E Burger" it made me nauseous. The Craz-E Burger contains a beef patty, two strips of bacon, melty gooey cheese, and sandwiched between two glazed donuts. The sandwich contains 1,500 calories. I mean who in their right mind would want to eat that? Instead of using weapons and guns on people. I say you give them a Craz-E Burger if you want to kill them. That way it's less violent and dangerous. Hey Micah Carter.... How about a Crazy-E Burger? It's on the house.
(At least it's Kosher)

-I must say I'm very excited about the return of the Real World/Road Rule challenge "The Ruins". That's right. You heard me. I'm not afraid to admit it. I don't know what it is, but that show entertains the shit out of me. And recently I discovered that the veteran Brad(Real World San Diego) works out at my gym. When I saw him I almost screamed like a little school girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. But I was able to contain myself. There's no need to have two restraining orders against me. Instead, I just went up to him and asked if he could spot me in the shower.

I'm Out!

Do You Want Me To Be Honest With You?

I've come to the realization that the worst thing to hear somebody say is "Do you want me to be honest with you?" Whether it was from a girlfriend, a person's response to a script I wrote, or a manatee(I had to put something random in there), I've only heard horrible things come from those words. Well it happened again last week, when I could sense something was going on at work. So I went into my Supervisor's office to find out what the dillio was? (Has anybody said that word dillio since 1993?) The Supervisor says the famous words, "Do you want me to be honest with you?" At that point, I should've just ran out of the room and hid underneath my desk, while I sucked my thumb. Because I knew it was going to be something horrible. It's not like somebody would ever say to you, "Do you want me to be honest with you?" And then follows it with, "God you are the most amazing person in the world." So after the Supervisor says those words to me, I of course nodded and prepared to brace myself. And he then says, "Your last day is Friday." Mother F'er! I knew it! I really think we need to reconsider those words in the English Language and substitute them with "Are you ready to hear some really shitty stuff that's going to make you feel like crap?"

Other McNuggets(Chicken Select Strips? What an insult to the McNugget family!)

-Earlier this week was the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the wonderful holiday where we get to starve ourselves for 24 hours. Don't be jealous, I know it beats the hell out of happy Christmas songs and Easter Egg hunts. Anyways, if you know anything about me... It's that I'm a fan of eating. So I'm sitting in Temple a bit tense and bothered, since all I can think of is a Gordita from Taco Bell.
(Come on, eat me Jonno. You know you want to.)


For some reason whenever I'm hungry, my brain always turns to Taco Bell. And then when I finally get it, I'm like this really isn't that good. But then a few months later, I crave it again. It's the weirdest thing. Anyway, I'm sitting at Temple and it's the part of the service where the Rabbi gives his sermon. This is usually, where I space out big time and think about Jonno's Happy Place (Muppets, rainbow sprinkles, breasts, and now Gorditas) The sermon is about the recession. Shocker. Strangely, the Rabbi starts telling recession jokes. His first one was "The recession is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail." Everybody laughs and I'm thinking okay he started off with a joke and that would be it. But no I was totally wrong. The Rabbi goes into a series of recession jokes. I felt like I was at Giggles Comedy Club and was waiting for Gilbert Gottfriend to come out and start yelling at us. His next joke was, "It's so bad, McDonalds is now introducing the 1/4-Ouncer" Everybody in the Temple is cracking up and practically falling off their chairs. I figured he would be done, but he wasn't. He finally closed with, "The economy is so bad that parents in Beverly Hills are considering raising their own children." I know the Rabbi was trying to give us some humor to take a break from the boredom and the fasting, but it just seemed awkward and out of place. Do you want me to be honest with you Rabbi? You stink at comedy.

-I was helping my sister move this past weekend. Okay, maybe I wasn't really helping. I was more just staring, scratching my ass, and picking my nose. But anyway, being a professional mover has to be one of the worst jobs out there. You have to lift heavy shit all day. And it's not like you have to do it once and you're done. You have to carry it again, into the new place that the customer is moving into. God, I would be brutally bad at that job. Another job that I would be bad at would be a Taxi Driver. I've always hated driving, when there are strangers in the car. To add on to that, I would also be a bad stripper. For one thing, I'm not that flexible. I never did good with the sit and reach in gym class. And if you want me to be honest with you, I'm much more attractive clothed than naked.

-Fantasy Football has really turned me into a bitter, angry, old man. It's totally ruined any enjoyment of watching football games. I hardly ever watch the actual game, instead all I do is stare is at the stat ticker at the bottom of the screen. And I don't really ever say anything, all I do is just sit there with a scowl on my face. It's almost like I have somehow morphed into Clint Eastwood from "Gran Torino."
(Aaron Rodgers throw a friggin TD and get off my lawn!)

-I think I finally found a new funny show on network television. Yes people, I just said network television. It's called "Modern Family". It's like a mix between "The Office" and the movie "Parenthood". I've seen the first two episodes and I've actually laughed out loud. Which is a rare occurrence for me. I think the last time I laughed during a TV show, was "ALF". Why can't they make shows like that anymore? God, I miss that little furry guy.

-So I joined a new gym recently. Yeah that's right, you heard me. Got a problem with that? Look at me, I've already turned into a meathead. I never realized how big of a commitment it is. It's almost like I'm entering a one year relationship with somebody. Except there's no comfortable, constant sex. Unless, I meet a nice gent in the shower. Can you say soap chase? Apparently part of the deal of joining a gym, is that you have to do a physical assessment with one of the trainers. And I already know what they're going to tell me. "Do you want me to be honest with you?" I nod yes. "You should just cancel your membership because there's really no way we can help you."


I'm Out!

Wet Cement, Gerald Butler, and BBWs

A few blogs ago(Yellow Tape, A Smiley Haitian, and Jennifer Anniston), I had mentioned that I had an incident where I stepped into wet cement. It was a horribly idiotic and embarrassing moment in my life. A moment that I assumed would never happen ever again. If you wanted to bet on it in Vegas, the odds would be set at 100 to 1. So in other words, a long shot. The other day I was walking down the street after a doctor's appointment. I was a bit distorted from the appointment and I had to make another phone call to set up an appointment with another doctor. Okay the secret is out people... I'm getting a sex change. Chaz Bono and I are swapping body parts. Is it just me or does Chaz Bono share a resemblance to Uncle Kracker? Anyway... I'm walking down the street, trying to make a phone call... And all of the sudden my foot feels stuck. I look down to see what the issue was and it happened again. I had stepped in wet cement that apparently had not dried. But this one was way worse. First of all, I had both feet in the cement. The previous time, I only had one foot. And this cement was way deeper and wetter. It was almost like this cement was the big angry mother of the previous one and was getting payback on me for stepping on her child. The closest thing I can compare to stepping in wet cement is when you get depantsed by somebody. You kind of just stand there for a few moments in shock. When the shock went away, the next thing to look for... Did anybody see this? Immediately, I see three younger dudes laughing their asses off. They are having a friggin ball at my expense. And rightfully so I must say. If I saw some bumbling, fumbling idiot step in wet cement, it would truly make my day too. I look to the right and the construction guys are furious at me. They look like they are ready to beat my ass. I mean who knows how long it took for them to put this cement down that I had ruined.

My next step was to get out of the cement. At this point, both of my shoes are demolished. And the ironic thing is that I was wearing the same jeans when it happened before. I swear I always have an article of clothing that is cursed and bad things always happen whenever I wear it. I had this one zip-up Abercrombie Tan sweater, where the worse shit would happen to me whenever I wore it. So I had to give it away because I couldn't take it anymore. So if I have another incident like this, the Seven Jeans are going to a nice young man named Ogbay in Ethiopia. So as I was saying, I'm trying to get out of the cement and I take my left foot out. My foot comes out of my shoe and the shoe is stuck by itself in the cement. I look to see if the three young guys have left, unfortunately they haven't. They are practically on the ground laughing hysterically. Oddly enough, my right foot made it out okay. So here I am standing with one shoe on, while the other one is stuck in the cement. A very angry, Hispanic construction worker approaches me and gets my shoe out from the cement. He stares at me with complete and utter disgust. I didn't know what to say to him. I knew an apology wasn't enough, but I still said sorry regardless. The construction worker begins to yell at me in broken English. "You and Phone! Bad! No phone and walk! Bad! It was as if my father was yelling at me after something stupid I did. Even though I couldn't understand a word he was saying, I knew he was right. So I didn't know what to say to him. I was like, "You're right. Okay?" As I exit and do the walk of shame, I notice on the other side of the wet cement, a friendly construction worker is guiding people as they walk by to prevent them from walking into it. Why in the hell was there no construction worker guiding me on the side I entered? It was like night and day between the two sides. On the other side, the construction worker was smiling, giving back massages, and handing out snow cones. While on the side I enter on, I get my shoe stuck in cement, 3 dudes laugh their asses off at me, and a Hispanic construction worker yelling at me in broken English. Not fair!

Other McNuggets(Honey Mustard Dipping sauce... Mmmmmm...)

-I was going down the elevator from the 20th floor at work. My stomach started rumbling a little bit. So I thought it would be a good time for me to let one go. A second later the elevator stops at the 19th floor. Five people barrel into the elevator and into my gas. Let's just say, I got a lot of uncomfortable looks. Note to self: It's never safe to fart in an elevator.

-You know you are in a highly emotional state, when you start crying during HBO's "Hard Knocks". What can I say? It got me when the mother started crying, after she saw her son on the NFL field for the first time. This pathetic event made me wonder to myself, when was the last time I cried during a movie/TV show? And it was when I was about six or seven and I would cry whenever I watched "Karate Kid". I hated the part when that douche Johnny dude beat the crap out Ralph Macchio towards the final fight and it looked liked he had no chance to win. Man, that always got me.

-What's going on with Gerald Butler these days? Is he the male counterpart to Elizabeth Banks? When I saw "Inglorious Bastards", the dude was in three of the previews that I saw. Hollywood, can we have a little more variation here instead of shoving the same damn actor down our throats? And who does this Gerald Butler guy think he is? Has he ever been a good movie? I know he was in that 300 Spartan crap, but I never saw that. The only movie I've ever seen him in was "P.S. I Love You." And that movie sucked more than stepping in wet cement for the second time. I'm really not looking very masculine right now, between the crying and admitting that I saw "P.S. I Love You."
(P.S. I Love Jonno)

-I was in Best Buy paroozing DVD's. And let me tell you, they were some very manly, masculine DVD's. So this Best Buy representative walks by me and says "Are you okay boss?" Now I have to say, I'm not a fan of the being called boss. I'm not saying I should be this well respected individual because I don't even respect myself. But boss? Come on! Who says that? And what does it mean? Does it mean that I look like the total opposite of a real boss, so that's the irony in calling me that? Is it kind of like how you would walk up to a hideous ugly looking person and say to them, "How's it going good looking?" To make a long story short, I purchased "P.S. I Love You" and got the hell out of there.

-When you're sitting on airplane, waiting to see which passengers are sitting next to you. It's almost comparable to your first day of school, when you are curious to see which people are in your classes. I feel the same way when I'm on airplane, trying to scout out which people I will be stuck with for the next few hours. So I was fortunate enough to get an aisle seat in an Emergency exit row. So at this point, I'm thinking life is good. A bit of an older, bigger man comes into my row and has the window seat. No biggie, I still got the buffer middle seat. Then a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) sits directly across from me. BBW is putting it nicely, let's just say she asked for a belt extension. But again, not a big deal because she was across from me. Finally another BBW approaches me and of course she is in the middle seat next to me. So in a way, I was in this BBW sandwich. Which is much better for a porn site, then on a plane.


(Can I sit next to you?)

She was nice enough lady, but I'm surprised given her stature why she would select a middle seat. Because her body overlapped into my seat, so my arm was pressed up against her. Am I turning you on? Because I am! To make matters worse, she's starting yacking it up with the guy sitting by the window. Then the BBW sitting across from me opens up her Diet 7-Up bottle and it sprays all over me. Not a good flight for the boss.

I'm Out!

Possum Haircuts, Gawking, and Katy Perry

The other day I went to get a haircut. I did not make an appointment, so I was hoping to get a walk-in. The first place I went to, there were four of five people sitting down waiting. So that was not going to work. I then went into another barbershop and they told me they had nothing available until 11am. Apparently, I did not get the memo that it was get your haircut day. With the mindset the third time is the charm, I saw a sign for "Michael's Barbershop". So I waddled inside and there were no customers. Finally! There was a middle-aged man in a barber's uniform and some younger suave looking guy sitting in the barber's chair. I couldn't tell if he worked there or was a customer. Because he didn't look like a guy who worked at a barbershop. I usually prefer older, ugly men to cut my hair. So I was hoping the barber looking guy would approach me, but instead the suave looking dude did. Immediately I thought to myself, "Shit!"

So right away I got the impression that this suave guy reeked of doucheness. I sat down in the chair and I told him I wanted my usual fade. He had trouble understanding how I wanted my hair to be cut. And he also talked in this low, quiet, mumbling voice where it was near impossible to hear him. So he starts making small talk with me. He asks me where I was from and then I asked him where he was from. He replied, "Michigan". So being the great conversationalist that I am, I asked why did he move to Chicago. He replies, "Why do you think? For the chicks man." Right then I debated if I should take the blow dryer and clobber him in the face with. "For the chicks man"? Have you ever heard a more douchey comment in your life? Who the hell talks like that? I think the last person who talked like that was the Fonze. I did my best to compose myself and let him finish my haircut. So he asked how I want my hair cut on the sides. And I usually like it fairly short. So he asks, if I usually have my sides cut with clippers. I really hate when they ask me these questions because I never know the answer. Especially the question of what number to set the razor on. I can never remember for the life of me. Not knowing the answer, I said yes to using the clippers.

So he starts shaving the sides of my head and it looks EXTREMELY short. I mean it looks like he's giving me a Mohawk or one of these 90's skater boy cuts. It was that short people! I didn't know what to do. Could I stop him? Was it too late? Was there enough time to salvage this disaster? In a freaked out panic, I practically leaped out of my chair and yelled out "Stop!" He looks at me quizzically. I'm like, "Don't you think you're going a little too short on the sides. It looks really short". He replies, you said you wanted clippers. Well hello Mr. Douche McGee! Had I known clippers meant Mohwak/Skateboard kid shaved sides, then I would've said no! So he looks at me like, "What the hell do you want me to do?" There wasn't really much he could do since he had already started this mess. So he tells me that he's going to blend it on the sides. But it was too late. It was literally the worse haircut I have gotten in my life. On top of that, he sucked at life and it cost $30! When he was done with me, I looked like a mentally challenged possum. It was horrible. I was embarrassed to even walk outside. It was so bad homeless men couldn't even look at me in the eye. They actually gave me money. Who knows? Maybe the retarded possum haircut can become the new George Clooney?

(Do I turn you on?)

Other McNuggets....

-I really think the gawking that men do has gotten out of control. Don't get me wrong, when an attractive female walks by, I'll take a look, but quickly look away. But these gawker dudes I see on the streets don't really hide it that well. It's almost like they become hypnotized when they are intrigued by a woman and start walking backwards uncontrollably like a zombie. To add to that, what has happened to the gawker standards? Maybe it's the economy, but lately if a girl is 200 pounds or under and can breathe she will most likely be gawked at. What we need are some mentally challenged possum haircuts for women, which will help reduce the amount of uncomfortable gawking. Who's with me?

-I was driving in my car the other day... And I got caught picking my nose by a female in the car next to me. It was a very awkward situation. There really is no good way to bounce back from getting caught during a pick. The best way to explain the feeling, is when a fat kid gets caught taking a cookie from the cookie jar. It sucks, but it was totally worth it.

-It is it just me or are pigeons flying lower and lower these days? Yesterday, I was waddling down the street and a pigeon literally grazed by head. I don't believe it defecated on me or anything, but I definitely felt like my personal space was violated. I wonder if there is a correlation between the pigeon grazing my head and the mentally challenged possum hairdo?

-I'm not gonna lie, I see some weird shit on my daily walk to work. I was walking in this alley and I see some guy wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses hunched over a garbage dumpster. There was another man standing next to him reading a newspaper. I had no idea what was going on, so I kept looking over at him. It looked like he was smelling the garbage. Then I look back again and I thought he was snorting coke or something. So I turn back and look again and out of nowhere a waterfall of a Mountain Dew looking vomit shoots out his mouth like no other. I guess really nothing good can from gawking. Even if it's same sex gawking.

-Speaking of gawking, I really gotta thing for this Katy Perry gal. Not only are her songs not too bad, but she's pretty easy on the eyes. She looks my friend Zooey Deschanel, but with some curves added. I just thought I would share that with you.
(Do I turn you on?)

-I was flipping channels on the Tele and I came across the Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian reality show. What the hell? Why is this show on my TV? So let me get this straight... First we have a girl named Kim Kardashian on TV because her father was O.J.'s lawyer, her mom got re-married to Bruce Jenner, and she did a sex tape with Brandy's brother. Neither of those things warrant a TV show or fame. So now, we have her sisters with their own show, who are even less revelant. So what's next? A show on Kim Kardashian's underwear skid marks? Actually, I probably would watch that.

-And finally, I have joined the twitter craze. So feel free to follow me at http://twitter.com/awkwardjonno... And right now we have a special campaign, where every person that follows me gets a complimentary mentally challenged possum haircut.

I'm Out!

500 Days of an Awkward Summer

I'm kind of a big deal these days... Okay not really, but I like to tell myself that. Recently, I went to the premiere of "500 Days of Summer". The Romantic Dramedy starring Joesph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. I knew Joesph Gordon-Levitt and the director were going to be in attendance, but I wasn't expecting anybody else. I sat down in the very crowded theater and saw this female sit a few seats down from me. And she looked just like Zooey Deschanel. I don't have many talents in life, but one of the few that I do have is spotting celebrities. I have a pretty good percentage rate of spotting them. I would say around a 75% success rate. So I'm sitting down in my aisle seat. (Btw, I never understood the whole sitting in the middle of the row? Does it really make a difference? Personally, I rather have the extra room.)

Anyway, she is sitting down in the same row as me. This guy needs to squeeze in the row, so being the polite gent that I am, I get up and allow him adequate space to squeeze by. He thanks me and we make-out. Kidding, I just gave him a reach around. It turns out this guy was Zooey's date/BF. A few minutes later, Zooey walks by me and I get up to allow her out of the row. She apologizes for making me get up again and promises it will be the last time. Being the witty guy that I am, I thought I would drop a little humor on her. So I say in a joking/sarcastic tone, "Well, it better be the last time!" The problem was that my tone was way off. It was almost like the devil took control over my vocal chords and prevented me me from my intended joking tone. So Zooey gives me a dirty look and walks away. Here was my chance, to impress one of the hot actresses out there and I blew it. To make matters worse, when she came back she entered on the opposite side of the row to avoid me. This is why I stick to writing rather than performing.

Other McNuggets...

-The other day it started raining on my walk to work. Instead of getting poured on, I thought I would catch the next bus that went by. So I waddle over to the nearest bus stand, and there is an African-American midget sitting on the bench and he appears to be cutting himself with some sort of object on his pant leg. If it was Webster or Garey Coleman, I would've felt more secure. But since it wasn't, I decided to forget about the bus and walk in the rain.

-Speaking of midgets... I recently read "The Orphan" script. I decided not to see it in theaters, because I didn't want to be sleeping with the light on in my parent's bed for a month. Apparently the twist (Spoiler) is that the Orphan is not really a young girl, she is a 30-year-old woman who suffers from a form of Dwarfism, who used to be a prostitute and escaped from a mental institution in Russia. I am now having second thoughts about the little boy I adopted that looks exactly like Verne Troyer. I may have to bring him back.

-I've come to the realization that whenever I see dudes email or text "LOL", there's a good chance they are a homosexual. I'm not sure why I feel this way, I have no statistical data to prove this. But whenever I see a male "LOL", I get an image of an extremely high-pitch laugh, with his hand tilted downward, as he drinks a Pina Colada.

-The most annoying song right now, without a doubt has to be the Black Eye Peas "I Got A Feeling." It is playing non-stop everywhere! If the song ends on one radio station and then I switch to another station, it comes on again! To make it worse they're using the song in TV and Films. CBS is using it as their Advertising Campaign for their prime time schedule. And how the hell is this even a song? A mentally challenged panda bear could write these lyrics... "Tonight's gonna be a good good night..." And tonight is NOT gonna be a good night. It's going to be a shitty night just like the rest of them! So stop misleading me and playing the damn song!

-I would like to be serious for a moment and mention how saddened I am, from the loss of John Hughes. In my opinion he is the best writer in film history. I know that is a strong statement, but if you look at the movies he put out year after year in the 80's, it is truly remarkable. His films had the ability to remain timeless and were the type you could watch a million times. I never understood why he stopped making films so early. His last directed film was in 1991. I heard rumors that his wife got tired of the LA lifestyle so they moved back to Illinois, but nobody knows for sure. It's too bad he doesn't get the recognition he deserves, until he passes away. But that's the way it kind of works these days. Thank you Mr. Hughes, for giving us the endless laughs and entertainment and hopefully one day I will be half the writer you were.

I'm Out!

Mysterious Phone Calls, Stares, and Peepholes

So a few weeks ago, I get a strange call on my work phone. I thought it was the receptionist, so I picked up. Apparently she was transferring somebody to me. I answer the phone and it's this dude with a radio DJ voice. "Hey there Jon how's it going? This is so-in-so and I'm a Sigma Pi from Eastern Illinois University... I found your profile on Linkedin and I'm going to be in the area, so I was wondering if you would want to grab coffee or something?" I obviously had no desire to sit down and talk to some complete stranger. At the same time, I didn't know what to say. I'm too much of a puss to be a complete dick. But why would I even talk this guy? We went to completely different colleges. Does this mean I'm obligated to talk to every single Simga Pi, from colleges all across the U.S.?

We start talking about Tony Romo(The NFL QB and now former BF of Jessica Simpson) because the guy went to the same college as him. And being the football dork that I am, I of course give into the conversation. I mean, if Charles Manson wanted to talk NFL with me, I would discuss it with him. So in order to put the kibosh on the conversation and put the ball in my court, I pulled the old, "Hey, let me get your info so I can call you later." So I write down his info with no intention of calling him back. And I'm thinking case closed, I'm done with this guy.


Let's cut to a few days ago, I get another phone call from the receptionist. Being the diligent employee that I am, I answer it right away. And it's the friggin Fraternity guy again. He says "Hey Jon, remember me? We talked about Tony Romo?" Of course I remembered this idiot, how could I forget? He's like, "So would you be up for meeting up this Wednesday?" I wasn't in the best mood that day, because I was PMSing. So I cut to the chase... "Look, I'm kind of busy right now, is there something I can help you with?" It was obvious to me he wanted something, but I didn't know if it was a reach around or a cookie. He replies " Well I work for Northwestern Mutual and I wanted to go over some investing possibilities with you." Of course, he wanted my money. So I tell him... "I'm sorry, but I'm not in a position right now where I can help you." After a few moments of awkward silence... He says, "Is it alright if I call you in six months, to see if you're interested?" (Note to self: Consider getting rid of Linkedin Profile.)

-Speaking of strange phone calls... I got a peculiar Voice Message on my cell phone. It was some guy in a foreign accent, that sounded like Ozzie Guillen. I had trouble deciphering the message, but it was something along the lines of.... "This message is for Jonno... There is something you need to take care of. And if you don't call back, the decision will be made." What the hell is this dude talking about? I didn't know what to think. Did he have my parents tied up in some warehouse and was holding them for ransom? Was he another member of my Fraternity that wanted to talk about investing? I had no idea and it scared the shit out of me. So I called the number back and it's the Foreign guy. I was ready to burst out, "What do you want? And what did you do with my family?" Fortunately, I was able to compose myself and give a normal greeting. To make a long story short, the guy worked for a Collection Agency and apparently I owed money for a cleaning that was done to an apartment I rented in LA. In any case I was relieved because I had no idea what this guy wanted. The ironic thing is that when I went home to see my family, they were indeed tied up. Except it was done for other reasons. Ba-dum-bum-CHING! (Rimshot)

-Speaking of Tony Romo from my earlier rant, I was not shocked to see he broke up with Jessica Simpson. This seemed like it was doomed from the start. But is it gay of me, that a reunion of Jessica and Nick Lachey excites me? I have no idea why I would even care, but the thought of a "Newlyweds" Sequel makes me want to skip around the streets with animated hearts shooting out of me, as I sing love ballads from "Grease".

-Speaking of being gay, I caught an episode of the new TV Show "Dating In The Dark". What a fantastic idea, I must say. If I had dated in the dark during my bachelor days, I would have done a killing. I'm like a Brad Pitt meets Casanova combo when the other person can't see what I look like. When you can see me, I'm more like a stammering, stumbling, Urkel meets 40-Year-Old Virgin Combo.

-For some reason I get a lot stares from people. I'm not sure exactly why that is. I know we look at everybody. But the looks that I get, are more of a leering stare that lasts longer than the normal two second glance. If I was wearing a thong, while I juggled baby seals, and fireworks shot out of my ass, then that would justify the staring. Usually, I'm just going about my daily business and walking down the street when I get these peculiar stares. The other day, I was driving to the airport and this Asian older man who was driving beside me was apparently smitten by me. He literally turned his head while he was driving, so he could not see the road just to look at me. After a good 7-8 seconds of staring, I figured it would be over with, since I was going to the "Departutes" lane and he was going to the "Arrivals" lane. But I was wrong. The Asian man literally pulled an "Exorcist" move, where it appeared his head had spun around, just so he could get a longer look. I really need to start driving with clothes on. Ba-dum-bum-CHING!

-I heard that there is a nude online video of ESPN Sports Reporter, Erin Andrews. Apparently it's not one of those sex videos where she taped herself. Some sick dude, recorded her through a peephole while she was in her a hotel room. Now, I have not looked at this video because I am a man of integrity and also there is the fear of getting a virus on my computer. (Which has been reported from viewing the video). But this is some sick shit I must say. If you really want to see a naked, attractive, ample bosomed female... There are thousands of willing females on the internet, where you don't have to look through a hotel room peephole. I could not even fathom if there was a video taken of me in a hotel room. And I'm sure nobody would really want to see it, since it would consist of me lying on the bed in my underwear, eating chicken wings, while watching a marathon of "That's So Raven".

I'm Out!

Teeth Whitening Ads, A Sneezing Asian, and "The Hangover"

As I've been surfing the Internet latley, I've been noticing these extremely distracting and repulsive web ads for teeth whitening. I don't know where they've come from all of the sudden, but they're everywhere. Maybe part of this stimulus package went into teeth whitening advertising, because that would be the only way to explain this catastrophe. I mean, here I am chowing down on a sub at my desk... Enjoying every single scrumptious bite like it’s my last. I’m perusing around the Internet... And then boom! A disgusting ad pops up out of nowhere, of somebody's yellow buttery teeth staring right at me. I can almost compare it to having an intimate moment with yourself or another person and then an image of your parents pops into your head. (It’s never happened to me personally, but friends have told me about it.)
It's not like the ad is small, they of course have to zoom in 500% and take up half of my screen. To make it worse, the "after" picture is almost equally as disturbing. It's a picture of an African American male mouth's with his pearly white teeth, but his lips are more chapped and dry than a deserted desert. (Spelling Tip: "Dessert" has two "S's" because you always want seconds.) Whoever is the graphic designer for these ads needs to be taken into custody immediately, shipped to some Third World Country and never be allowed to come back here. I mean what's next here? Small Penis/Enlargement Ads? By the way, does anybody know a good surgeon? (It's not for me of course. It's for a friend.)

-I was in the security line at the airport over the holiday weekend... And the line was absolutely going nowhere. There was a young Asian lady behind me and she began repeatedly sneezing. After her initial sneeze, I politely turned my head just to get some reassurance that she was indeed covering her mouth. Since, you know that's what NORMAL people do. As I peeked behind me I noticed she was not making any attempt to cover her mouth, and with the Swine Flu, SARS, and Mad Cow disease.(I'm just trying to think of a third one) I'm not gonna lie, I became a little neurotic. I mean it's one thing if her sneezes were dry. But as Larry David once said, "You can never assume dry." What also made it difficult was that she was behind me, so it's not like I had eyes in back of my head and I could protect myself from her repeated infectious sneezes. My only other option was to turn around and stand backwards in the security line. I think then I would have freaked her out and most likely been taken away by security for improper leering. (I've had previous offenses) I guess the only option is to suck it up and by one of those Michael Jackson Homo Swine Flu Masks.

(This is my ex Julio. I miss him.)

-I was trying to close a drawer at my GF's home, but it would not close for some reason. This drawer is home to the aluminum foil and storage bags, so thinking it were something of that nature stuck towards the back I reached my hand in the drawer to remove whatever was preventing it from closing. Stuck in the roof of the drawer was this random picture that looked like it was taken from the early 90's... In the picture was a male stripper in a thong with his ass sticking out and some unidentified girl trying to insert some object into him. I must say, it wasn't the best picture to find in your significant other's home. I would have much preferred to have found a picture of little puppies and bunnies having a nice delightful picnic in a park. I confronted the GF and she started laughing because she had no idea where the picture came from. She thinks the picture might have belonged to the previous condo owner. I'll take her word for it. But when she finds my midget porn collection, all I can say is... Jonno has some leverage!

-I saw a screening of "The Hangover" last week. And I must say, it is pretty darn hilarious. (Prediction: Zach Galifianakis is going to be the next comedy star.) He was that good. So right before the film starts, this woman in her 50's sits directly behind me. No it was not the sneezing Asian, but I think I would have preferred her. I had my phone out because my friend was running late. She asks me "Is your phone a LG?" I replied, "I don't believe so." Thinking I was out of the woods with this woman, she then asks, "How do you get your phone to vibrate? I don't know how to get mine to." Are we serious? Has this woman been in a coma for 8 years and just recently bought her first cell phone? And why am I the first person she has to ask on how to use a phone? Was I wearing an AT&T customer representative thong that was sticking out of my ass? (Sorry, I still can't get the male stripper image out of my head.) Being the nice guy that I am, I told her that I just press the volume buttons on the left side of my phone to the lowest level. And she's like, "Well, I don't have those." Fortunately, she found someone else to bother with her phone questions. Thank the Lord!

The movie begins and the cell phone incompetent woman decides to laugh at every single joke. Her laugh was this ear-deafening chuckle that felt like it lasted for an eternity. She would also add her own commentary such as, "Oh No” or “Good God..." If you haven't noticed I'm not really the type of person who can tune stuff out. And why is it that these buffoons always show up at the last minute? I swear it always happens that way. Fortunately, the movie was funny enough where I was still able to enjoy it despite her interjections, but God that woman was ridiculous. If only I could have figured out a way to put her on vibrate. (Get it? Like the phone?)

I'm Out!

Mother's Day, Wet Dreams, and Matthew McConaughey

A Happy Mother's Day to all!

When speaking about this topic, there is one Mother's Day that stands out from all the others. It was about ten years ago now and the whole family went to go see the film "Election", starring Matthew Broderick and Reese Witherspoon. I had not heard much about the movie, except that it was an independent film produced by MTV. I admit I was a little suspicious of the movie, because I knew it was a dark comedy, but my mom wanted to see it. This was of course her day, so there was nothing I could really do to dissuade her. We got to the theater, plopped down in our seats, shoveled popcorn into our mouths (it must be a genetic thing), got comfortable, and then the movie began. It was probably only one minute into the movie when Matthew Broderick's character has a conversation with his co-worker (who is apparently having an affair with one of his students). This character bluntly states "Her pussy gets so wet, you wouldn't believe it!" At this point my whole family is frozen in the moment; my Mom, Dad, older sister and me. That thing you fear the most whenever you see a movie with your parents, had just happened. Now, I realize some parents are different than others, but my Dad is not the person you want to be sitting next to when there is any mention of sex. I don't know what it is, but his presence and reaction magnifies the awkward level to the 100th degree. I mean did the screenwriter really have to start off with that line of dialogue? Couldn't he have waited just thirty minutes or an hour? I guess in a way, he was trying to warn us for the inevitable so that we could leave before it only got worse.

I think at this point, all of us knew that the film was going to be bad news, but I guess we were hoping for that slim chance, that maybe the worst part was out of the way. I think we lasted about another 20 minutes into the film. The last straw was when Chris Klein's sister in the film, starting making out with some other chick. My dad had enough by this point, so he got up and yelled "That's it!" and left. Could I blame him? Not really. There was really no way to bounce back from that initial line of dialogue. Any small mention or reference to sex was going to be the icing on the cake. (Mmmmm cake....)

After we left the movie, we went to have dinner, but none of us were the same. It was as if, we had all just gone to war. We could not get that line of dialogue out of our heads. I think my dad was contemplating, finding out where the screenwriter lived and punching him in the face, while I was thinking how I could invent a time machine to prevent this experience from ever happening. I never did see the rest of "Election". From what I hear it’s a quirky, dark comedy. Most people even that seemed to enjoy it even. I guess ten years later, it’s something that we can all look back on and laugh at now. Fortunately now, thanks to IMDB and other similar resources, we can now prevent any other types "Election" moments from happening again. So yesterday for Mother's Day, my whole family and I went to see "Chitty Chitty Gang Bang" and really enjoyed it. It's a must see!

Other McNuggets...

-I recently bumped into one of my Fraternity pledge brothers, who I haven't seen in years... And I never know if I should shake his hand normally or give the Fraternity handshake. So because of my indecisiveness, I end up giving him an awkward "Edward Retardo-Handshake." Can somebody please tell me the cut-off age for Fraternity hand-shakes? I say Fraternity handshakes expire four years after graduation. The only scenario where you can use the handshake after that is at a Fraternity Alumni Function, but who the hell goes to those? Come on people, it's time to move on...

-I don't know how this happens, but whenever I open up my yogurt at work, it always splatters onto my pants. I don't know if it’s from being in the fridge and then it taking out, but somehow the yogurt always manages to explode onto my pants and it looks like I just had a wet dream. On the bright side, if I ever do have a wet dream at work, I can blame it on the yogurt.

-Speaking of wet dreams, I was surfing the net and came across this porn site (Oh shut up, we all do it), where this girl had three boobs. Now, I don't know if it was a birth defect or an implant, but whatever the case was, I found it extremely repulsive and nauseating, and I cannot get the image out of my head. Sorry, I just wanted to share that with all of you.

-I was in LA recently having lunch with my friend, (because as we all know I'm kind of a big deal) and there were these stereotypical LA girls having a loud conversation right behind us. As I take a bite into my buffalo chicken sandwich, their topic of conversation suddenly changed to their menstruation and dryness issues in a specific area. Can you say Yummy?

-I recently saw "Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past" (I was forced to) and I came to the realization that Matthew McConaughey must be the most one-dimensional actor in history. I mean the guy has played the same character more than Stallone has played "Rocky". Every movie he is in, he plays a womanizer, with a Southern accent, who pissed off some girl because of his bachelor ways. So he ends up realizing what he wants is true love and has to win her back. And he always does the same thing when he acts, where he drops his mouth open and sticks out his hand. If I do that I look like I just crapped in my pants. But, somehow he's able to pull it off where he looks hot and studly. Not fair folks.

I'm Out!

Edward Retardo-Hands

When you're like me, and your dream is to become a nude model, you must take excellent care of your body. Given this burning desire of mine, I went for my usual jog along the lakefront path the other day. Typically I run a marathon or two before I get into work, but today was my easy day and I was just going for a short two mile jog.

I know I've reached my halfway point, when I pass by this scrumptious little green snack shack (Mmmm) and then I go up about 5 or 6 steps and turn around. So, I had reached this halfway point, gone up the steps, and then something happened. I don't know what exactly, but I tripped over something - this could have been a large crack in the sidewalk, a banana peel, my own foot, or even a midget ghost... I don't really know. Somehow this trip felt like an eternity. For a few seconds there I thought I was going to catch my balance. I did one of those, "Woah, Woah, Woah, Woaaaaaah" with my arms flailing around and I did almost stop myself from falling. Now, I'm no physics major, but apparently too much weight was going forward and there was no stopping this ship from sinking. I knew at this point I was going to fall and there was just nothing I could do, but accept it. To brace my fall, I stuck out my hands so that my natural, gorgeous face would not hit the pavement The harsh surface of the sidewalk cut open and tore off the skin on the palms of both my hands. In my opinion the worst part was not the blood oozing like a waterfall, but more the fact that this incident occurred during the morning rush hour as in front of 30-40 cars drove down Lake Shore Drive (one of Chicago’s busiest streets). To be honest, I'm surprised I didn't cause a few accidents. Given the Technological Age we live in, I'm sure if you were to go on YouTube and type in "Clumsy Douche Falls" you might find a video of this tumble.

So, after I fell and cut both of my hands open, I knew I had only two choices. I could (A) walk home and take care of my bleeding hands, or I could (B) keep my nude modeling dream alive and finish the arduous run. Any guesses what I did? That's right folks, I kept going. As, I was jogging back I noticed this middle-aged guy on his bike going the opposite direction. It was apparent to me, that this gentleman witnessed my fall. So as he passes me, he lurches his head forward and stares at me with his mouth dropped open. I was ready to say to numb nuts: "What the fuck are you looking at?" But, I'm of course too much of a wuss to do anything like that. Now numb nuts totally handled the situation wrong. When you see somebody fall you have two choices. You can either (A) politely ask, "Are you okay?" or you can (B) do the preferred option and just go by like nothing ever happened. You don't friggin stare at someone like they’ve got two heads and a unicorn shoved up their ass (I'm not sure why I chose a unicorn, but just go with it.). As I was running back home, my bloody palms made me feel insecure. I didn't want other people to think I was some psychotic mass murderer or just some weird dude with blood on his hands, so I pulled my sleeves down over my hands and ran back home.

After cleaning up my hands, I put Band-Aids on my palms to cover the wounds. Of course these had to be on the most awkward spots on my hands where it was virtually impossible to get the band-aids to stick. It could also be because I have the motor skills of a 4-year-old, but damn those Band-Aids were hard to get on. Anyways, so I'm at work, and of course I'm a little self-conscious because I have Band-Aids plastered all over my hands. Now I've been at my job for 3 months, and I've probably shaken one or two hands with other members of the company (and those handshakes occurred on my first day). Now, if I was an odds maker, I would say the chances were extremely slim that I would have to shake any body's hand, but given that this is the Awkward Chronicles, pretty much anything is possible. And sure enough it is. This sales guy decides to peruse by my cube, for God knows what reason. He looks at me and says, "I don't think I've met you before." Now I'm thinking, "That’s right buddy and let's keep it that way." He of course does the unthinkable and sticks out his hand for me to shake. I thought for a second about punching him in the balls and running way, but then it occurred to me that would not be very professional. So, with no other choice, I awkwardly stuck out my bandaged hand and gave him the worst handshakes known to mankind. This “handshake” if you will, consisted of him shaking my pinky. After he felt the bandages on my hand, he gave me a strange look and quickly walked away. Fortunately, nobody else decided to introduce themselves to me for the rest of the day. I'm sure this sales guy sent out a memo warning everyone to stay away from Edward Retardo-Hands.

If you take anything away from this entry, I hope it’s not only for you to realize my determination to become a professional nude model, but for you to follow your dreams as well. Because, even if there are obstacles (such as falling face first along Lake Shore Drive, tearing the flesh off your hands, having numb nuts annoyingly stare at you, and giving one of the most awkward handshakes in your life), you have to accept those hardships and realize that's all part of the journey.

I'm Out!

Shared Water Bottles, Passover and Jay Cutler

I'm playing in another basketball league. Why you may ask? Because I hate to waste this extraordinary abundance of talent. I mean its like Michael Jordan deciding to become a professional hot dog contest eater rather than playing basketball. Although have you seen MJ lately? I think he could give a Kobayashi a run for his money. Anyways... I'm playing my first game and of course I'm out of breath and sweating bullets. It's been a good 6 to 8 week lay-off since my last game. I had brought a water bottle from home and I was sucking down that thing like no other. Like a baby does to his bottle or his mother's... (Okay I'll stop) After just re-filling this bottle and about half-done, I notice a price sticker on the bottle. I thought to myself, "How's that? I brought the bottle from home." Very slowly like a retarded Sherlock Holmes, I realized that this was not my water bottle. So I did one of those, yuck screams and threw the bottle down in a panic frenzy. I have no idea whose bottle that actually was. I'm not an overly religious man, but I'm beginning to think God is trying to tell me I don't belong on the basketball court.

Other McNuggets...(I just got turned on and had an accident in my pants. Sorry, the next nugget will explain.)

-Currently I'm in the 6th day of a Jewish holiday called Passover. Frankly Passover really F's me over. Get that? It rhymes. (I should be a rapper) Anyways, basically I can't eat anything with yeast for a week. Which consists of bread, pasta, rice, cereal etc... So I'm pretty much just left with salad, eggs, fruits/veggies, and matzah. None of those things are appealing to a fat kid. Especially the President of the Fat Kid Club. So all my friends who complain about Lent, give me a break! I would take Lent over Passover any day of the week. I mean come on, how hard is it really to give up chocolate or pop for 6 weeks? Oh and you can't eat meat on Fridays... That's so tough, I can't imagine having to eat a large deep dish cheese pizza instead. If any non-Jewish people out there, want to trade holidays next year... Please, let me know. Cause I'm ready! And I have 10 boxes of matzah and 3 jars of gefilte fish to prove it.

-I understand facebook has it perks. You get to re-connect with old friends and share pictures with each other, and maybe even date or network. But lately, I feel like some facebook users are kind of being a little selfish here. And its kind of ticking me off. Stop with the 20 status updates a day. You are taking up my whole page! Myself and nobody else gives two shits, if you're tired from work, are going to watch "Lost", or took a quiz on what animal you would like to have sex with. People, if you want to leave a status update I'm fine with that. But do everybody a favor and please limit it to one or two times a day. I know after I finish this blog entry, I'm going to shamefully plug it on my facebook status. But I promise, that's all you're hear from me.

-So I park in this garage that is a block away from where I live. And in order to get in/out of the garage I have to go through an alley. Let me just say, that I'm not the biggest fan of this garage. I have the smallest parking spot known to mankind. I have to squeeze my car between two columns. So I literally have a few inches of room for error. And given my Jeff Gordon driving skills, I've already scratched my car twice. Anyways, this abandoned alley has to be one of the most exciting alleys in the world. I think if I were to open up the Guinness Book of World Records of most popular alleys, there might be a picture of it in there. There is always something going on in this alley. People walking, hanging out, or doing whatever... There is always some type of activity that blocks me from getting into/out of the garage. The other day I was waiting in my car, in the infamous alley for my GF, who was getting a cup of coffee down the street. While I'm waiting in the alley, I saw more traffic in five minutes than happens on Lake Shore Drive. A cab decides to drive through and drop people off, a homeless woman knocks on my window for change, group of kids walk by, a creepy dude decides to follow my GF into the alley (Fortunately I was there waiting for her)... I mean what's next? A midget orgy, fireworks, and an Osama Bin Laden sighting? Good God!

-The other night I had a dream I was sticking my head in a fridge and gorging myself with endless and endless amounts of candy corn. Why was it candy corn? I don't know. Why was the candy corn in a fridge? I don't know that either. Actually come to think of it, I bet you candy corn would taste good if it was refrigerated. Hold on to your seat belts everybody, I'm going to experiment this and get back to you with the results in my next blog. I can feel the excitement!

-Since my last blog, the Bears made a monumental move by trading for the one and only Jay Cutler. I am totally shocked and still am as we speak. I never thought in a million years the Bears would make a gutsy move like that. It's just not in their nature. I know they gave up a lot to get him and the Broncos are going to get some good players with the 1st round picks. But lets face it, it was something that had to be done. It's no guarantee that Cutler will bring a Super Bowl Ring to Chicago, but I at least appreciate the effort made by the organization. But if we are somehow fortunate enough to win a Super Bowl, can we please do it by 2016? Because I'm getting my ass out of here before the Olympics come. That is going to be one big mess. Yeesh!

-Have you seen the trailer for "Obsessed"? Starring the all-star cast of Ali Larter(the chick from Varsity Blues) Beyonce, and Idris Elba(I have no f'in clue). This has the potential to be one of the worst movies of all time. The last trailer I can remember being this bad, was for "Lakeview Terrace". Well I did some awkward investigative research and ironically I found out that the same writer wrote both movies. His name is David Loughery. David, congratulations, on having such a successful writing career with absolutely no talent.

I'm Out!

Douchebaggery, Sweet Home Chicago, and Big Macs

You would think going out to breakfast on a Sat. morning @ 9:30 you would be in the clear of any douchebaggery, unfortunately that was not the case this past weekend for your friend Jonno. I was standing in line at nice cafeteria located within a grocery store – your order your food with the cashier and another server brings the food out to your table. Well, there were these two dudes (late 20's) in suits in line in front of me. I'm not really paying attention to them, because I'm engrossed with the menu and trying to figure out what I should feed my fat kid Robert with. After I make my decision (Cobb Omelet), I realize that the two douches are holding up the line. I turn around and I see a good six or seven people behind us. First of all, anytime you see two young guys in suits early on a Saturday morning, you know it’s not going to be good for business. There was a guy in between me and the two douches, and he politely asks them if they are in line to order. One of the douches turns around and says in a sarcastic and rude tone "It will just be a minute. Okay?" And I'm thinking in my head, "Here we go!" Finally, they walk up to the register to order and they start joking around with the cashier. I turn around and see there are about 10 people in line now, and these two idiots, don't even care that they are holding up this line. Finally, after about five minutes of banter with the cashier, they order and leave. Good riddance right? Not so fast.

We were meeting my GF's parents for breakfast and they had gotten there before us and already had a table. I walk over to them and of course her parents are sitting at a table right in front of the two douches. It turns out the two douches have been there for quite a while and were on their 2nd bottle of wine (yes, at 9:30 in the morning!) The douches are sitting with some woman in a business suit, but I don't think I heard a peep out of her. The douches were having an intense conversation and just dropping F-bombs and obscenities left and right. I don't know exactly what their conversation was about, but for a few minutes I felt like I was part of the movie "Boiler Room". I then hear one of the guys ask if they should get a third bottle of wine. At this point, I'm thinking I better get the hell out of here before I get a bottle smashed on my head, because this is only going to get uglier. We finished our breakfast and head out down the stairs to exit. All of us, were talking about how crazy the Douches were. And of course walking up the stairs passed us was Douche #1. Can you say awkward? We then go outside and walk down the street. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy running full speed in the middle of street dodging cars. And of course it is Douchebag #2. I have no idea what the hell he was doing or where he was going, but it felt like no matter where we went, we could not get away from them. Of course about an hour later we walk past the window of the café and who’s still sitting there probably drink bottle #5? Yep, you guessed it – the douches. They probably sat there all day annoying innocent people like me with their douchebaggery.

I hope all of you learn a lesson from this and realize that douchebaggery is a serious subject that cannot be taken lightly. It us up to all of us to inform our youth about the severe dangers of douchebaggery. The next time you see your young child, get frosted hair tips; pop up his collar; wear a suit on Saturday when it is not for a funeral, wedding, meeting or bar mitzvah; tan five days a week’ wear a fedora hat; or just act like a complete jackasss in general, please get him counseling… immediately.

Other McNuggets (Btw, what's the most McNuggets you've ever eaten? I've put down a 20 piece before. If you want to have a contest, please let me know.)

-I cannot stand it when I get a foot long from Subway and the sandwich is not cut in half fully. I don't know why they would cut 3/4 of it and not the whole thing, because what happens is that I have to tear the friggin sandwich on my own and then it all falls apart in a big mess. I don't know about you, but it’s not like I have this gigantic sandwich knife that I can just pull out of my desk drawer at work. And if I did, that would just be kind of creepy.

-I think a law should be passed that if you are jogging outside and the people walking taking up the entire pathway in front of you are too dumb to realize that they should move out of your way, you should then just be allowed to push them out of your way. And since I am person of equality, it shouldn't matter if it’s a small child or an elderly lady. Everybody is fair game to get knocked out. Who's with me?

-I was waddling to work the other day, and since this is Chicago, I of course had some random dude come up to me. He says "Excuse Me! Excuse Me!" Given that I was running late for work, I unfortunately could not take time to help this man with solving world issues like the economy, terrorism, and global warming... So instead of being a jerk-off, I said "Sorry" and just kept on walking. He then replied "Sorry because I'm black!" Everybody please sing it with me... Ready one, two, three... "To the Same Old Place, sweet home Chicago".

-Speaking of this wonderful city, there is nothing better than at the end of March walking in a few inches of wet, slushy snow, and then getting pelted in the head from these heavy ass snowballs falling from the trees. All I needed was somebody to give me a wedgie and a punch in the balls and I would have been officially in hell.

-Is it wrong that when I saw the new trailer for the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge that I jumped off the couch, pumped my fist in the air, and screamed on the top of my lungs with joy? My gut instinct tells me yes.

-I finally saw "Milk" and the movie was decent. But after seeing Sean Penn jam his tongue down James Franco's throat, I was easily convinced he deserved the Oscar for Best Male Actor. Sorry Mickey Rourke, but kissing Maris Tomei ain't the same thing. Nice comeback though.

-I am convinced that Jay Leno has to be one of the worst TV personalities in history. I was dumb enough to stay up and watch his interview with President Obama. A friggin mute chimp could have done a better job interviewing our President. I think Obama's Special Olympic comment was done purposely not to offend anybody, but to keep the audience out of a coma.

-When the Chicago Bulls score over 100 points and win a game at home, everybody in the stands gets a free Big Mac. Well this past week, the Bulls had an important game against the Pistons. They ended up winning the game 99-91. Kirk Hinrich, who had a phenomenal game, missed a free throw that would have given them 100 points and everyone a free Big Mac. At the end of the game, fans booed loudly and even personally at Hinrich, who pretty much was the reason they won. I have an idea, instead of shooting T-Shirts out of that blasting gun device into the stands, I say we shoot piles of monkey feces at all of those idiotic obese fans. That should shut them up.

I'm Out!

Yellow Tape, A Smiley Haitian, and Jennifer Anniston

I was walking to work the other day, listening to the Jonas Brothers on my ipod (don't judge - I can't control what comes on the shuffle) and there was a crazy amount of street construction going on. I was kind of zoning out in my own world (this usually consists of my dreaming of rainbow sprinkles, Muppets, and breasts). I attempted to cross the street, but it was blocked off with yellow tape. One would think the yellow tape would be a sign to an individual, "Hey Dumbass, don't walk this way", but being the rebel that I am, I kept walking ahead. I figured I could just step over the yellow tape or do an awkward limbo underneath it, but right as I was approaching the yellow tape head on, like a mean, angry bull.... My left foot sinks down into the ground, like quicksand. My foot had to go into the cement substance at least a good 3 feet. Yeah, this cement substance had apparently not dried yet. I lift my foot out of the gook and it is completely smothered in cement. And of course with my luck, I had to be wearing my 7 Jeans, which happen to be the most expensive jeans that I own. I'm sure many of you are wondering why a schlub such as myself would be wearing designer jeans. And that is a valid question-- I wake up many mornings wondering the same thing. But, back to the story – so, I take my left leg out of the cement. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I quickly turn around to see if anybody witnessed this disaster and I of course I see a few people snickering. Fuckers! I debated going back home and changing, but I was already running late as it was. So I decided to just plunge ahead. I really did feel like jackass walking down the street with one leg drenched in cement. I felt like a version of the comic book villain Two Face, except my name would be Two Foot. Or would it be Two Feet? I'm not sure, but you get the idea. Even though I endured much public embarrassment and humiliation from my incident, I feel like a hero in some ways. Because from my misfortunes, I can now protect and spread the awareness to rest of America and our children from the dangers of Yellow Construction Tape.

Other Chicken McNuggets.....

-The best part of St. Patricks Day is not the parades and the all day drunkenness... It's the fact that you know McDonalds is now offering the shamrock shake.

-I was on the bus coming back from the Bulls game and there was a Haitian male in his late 40's sitting by himself. As I was attempting to talk to my GF, I kept seeing the Haitian male smiling and giggling at me out of the corner of my eye. I did my best to ignore him, but I could not help myself from occasionally glancing at him. Every time I looked at him he would be smiling at me. It felt like this was a game you play with a two-year-old child. You know the whole peek-a-boo game, except I was playing it with a Haitian male in his late 40's, on a bus at 11 o’clock on a Saturday night. A little strange I would say. But, to make a long story short, it must have been fate. Serendipity if you will, because as I write this, he is soaking my left cemented foot in hot water, while wearing a thong. And of course he is smiling at me.

-Before I mention this next nugget... I've noticed many older and younger relatives of mine hopping on the facebook bandwagon. Which is perfectly fine, this is a social networking site for the public, but be aware, you might see or hear stuff that may be more than a bit disturbing and inappropriate. I apologize in advance, but it is my duty to inform the public on my awkward misfortunes.

-I really think my "special member" is playing tricks one me. I don't know if any of you males or she-males have this issue, but whenever I'm done urinating, I give it two or three shakes to double-check, I then zip up my pants thinking I'm finished, and then (surprise) a few drips shoot out. This is constantly happening and I don't get it. I don't know if I should go on Oprah and ask Dr. Oz about this or if I should wear a diaper, but this is getting awfully frustrating. On the other hand, I know my "special member" is having a ball with the practical jokes. And don't even get me started what "he" does to me when I have a check-up at the doctor's office. Let's just say, he has a tendency to do his best "turtle impression".

-Speaking of my special member, what's the deal with Jennifer Anniston? I just don't get it! Something must be up with the gal. I mean I know she was dating douchebag Mayer, but how does this girl keep on getting dumped? She is friggin gorgeous and a highly successful actress. She must be one hell of a psychotic biatch behind closed doors, but even that wouldn't be enough for guys to keep on dumping her. There are plenty of dudes who marry hot ass basket cases. I think there's something else about her, which is why I've come to the conclusion that she is a constant, obsessive farter. She must pass the worse gas and give the most vile Dutch Ovens than no human has given before. That is the only explanation that would make sense to me

I'm Out!

Chipotle, Grunting, and Hugh Jackman

I waddled into Chipotle the other day to get some grub. I went with my usual, the burrito bowl with chicken. Now the secret to the burrito bowl is to ask for extra rice. This way you get more food without paying extra. (And btw, I'm fully aware I'm pathetic.) This old trick was taught to me by a friend a few years back. It is very imperative that you get the timing down as to when you ask for the extra scoop of rice. You have to make sure you ask for it right after she's scooped the first serving of. So I admit, I was a little rusty. I haven't had a burrito bowl in a while, so I knew my timing would be a bit off. I focused in on the Chipotle server to the best of my ability. When I felt the timing was right, I asked for my extra rice. I felt did a decent job, after being out of the game for a while. The chipotle server turned to one of her co-workers, said something in Spanish, and laughed. I'm not exactly sure what they said, but my guess is that it's something along the lines of "Hey, check out this cheap fatso trying to get more rice. What a loser." They can say whatever they want, but that's not going to stop me from getting my extra scoop of rice.

Speaking of Chipolte, I had the pleasure of using a public bathroom recently. I was finishing up my business in one of the stalls and some dude bursts into the bathroom breathing extremely heavy, almost panting. The combination of the burst and heavy breathing is never a good sign. It usually means, get out of the bathroom as fast as you can. This is not going to be pretty. And that was exactly the case. The dude gets in a stall, dropped his pants, and starts moaning and grunting like no other. Now, I've dropped some major loads in my day. But never once have I resorted to such obscene and repulsive grunting. Okay, maybe there was that one time with the jalapenos, but in all fairness that was in the privacy of my own home. The grunter would not let up, I thought he was giving birth to octuplets in there or something. I know you're struggling there buddy, but keep the sound effects to yourself. The lesson here is people, whenever somebody bursts into the bathroom at a rapid pace, you get the hell out of there at a rapid pace.

Other McNuggets.... (Sorry, I just drooled on myself.)

-I watched the Oscars the other night. I understand that the reason they chose the hunky, beefcake Hugh Jackman to host, is that they were trying to appeal to all the women out there. But there are a decent amount of men who watch the Oscars. And I don't find Hugh Jackman particularly funny nor entertaining. So the next time you pick some boring stud muffin as a host, at least have some Scarlett Johansson cleavage in the background. It's only fair.

-I was crunching on some pretzels at work the other day in my cubicle. And in my own head the crunching sounded so loud, as if it was Godzilla trying to eat a car. So I became extremely self-conscious about this and wondered if the crunching is as loud to the other people sitting around me? I may just have to tape record myself crunching, to get the bottom of this. Don't worry, I'll let you in on the results.

-I know there is all this controversy over what the hell is up with Joaquin Phoenix and his Letterman appearance. First of all, I highly doubt Joaquin Phoenix was doing some sort of act. The guy has always been a bit on the loony side. His parents were part of a cult, he endured the traumatic death to his brother, and I remember hearing he has some sort of social phobia. But I will tell you this about the guy, he is one hell of an actor. He would be a fool to retire from acting. That would be like me retiring from eating and waddling. If you haven't seen him in "We Own The Night" and "Two Lovers" you're definitely missing out. He's right up there with Leonardo Dicrapio.

-In other news, I've heard reports that Rihanna and Chris Brown are getting back together. Anybody who is falling for this crap, is too gullible. What's going on here , is that she's trying to help Chris Brown's image and get his career back together. It's more of a publicity stunt. I also believe she's trying to play mind games with me, by playing hard to get. Rihanna, I get it. I can play that game if you want, but I'm just too mature for that. If it's really meant to be, we will be together under your umbrella.

I'm Out!