Monday, February 28, 2005

The Boarding Pass

Last week my co-worker/buddy Johnny and I traveled to Cleveland to see Motley Crue. One of the TV stations in Cleveland was taking us out there. It was good deal, the TV station paid for the airfare, hotel, food, concert, alcohol etc. . .

Our plane was taking off at O'hare around 8:30 a.m. On the way to the airport, traffic was just brutal. So we were running a little late. While we were walking to our gate, Johnny could not find his cell-phone. He checked his coat pockets and it was not there. He then realized that he probably left his cell-phone in the car. Not the biggest deal in the world, since he could just use my cell phone if he needed to make any phone calls. But the problem was that he had the phone numbers of the people we were suppose to meet in Cleveland, in his phone. We figured once we landed in Cleveland, we would call one of our co-workers to get the phone numbers from Johnny's computer.

Let me tell ya O'hare is one big ass place! If you need a work-out, try walking around that place a few times. On the way to our gate we passed by a McDonalds. We weren't sure if we should go to McDonalds now or go to our gate first to check in. This was a pure battle with the inner fat kid. The inner fat kid was obviously telling us to eat the McDonalds now and not care if we were to miss our flight. The fat kid's rationale was: if we did miss the flight, at least we would have eaten McDonalds. Normal rationale: catching the flight and having all paid for trip to Cleveland is more important than eating McDonalds. In the end, we were able to defeat the inner fat kid and decide to walk to the gate first. But it was a tough battle.

We finally made it to the gate and had two questions for the attendant. 1) Is the plane here yet? Answer: No 2) Do we have time to go to McDonalds? Answer: Yes, but you should hurry up. Johnny and I made a fast waddle to McDoanlds and got some breakfast. We brought the food back to the gate. We were both having a fabulous time chowing down on some Egg Mcmuffins. By the time we finished our food, the attendant was calling the rows to board the plane. I stood up and started to look for my boarding pass. I checked both of my jean pockets, not there. I then checked my duffle bag, not there. The last time I remembered holding the boarding pass was when I was eating McDonalds. I was holding it with my napkins. Sherlock Schmuko Holmes then makes the masterful assumption that I must of thrown away the boarding pass with the McDonalds bag. Keep in mind, the theme of losing stuff was imbedded in my brain after Johnny left his cell-phone in his car.

I then made a furious dash to the garbage can. With my bare hands, I went through every McDonalds bag I could fine looking for that friggin boarding pass. As I'm searching, I hear Johnny yell out, "Hey, look at that bum! Look at that bum search the garbage!" I turn around around to see about 15-20 people staring at me. With no luck of finding my boarding pass and fear of missing my flight, Sherlock Schmuko Holmes decides to take the top off of the garbage can so I could get deeper into the garbage. As I searched deeper in the garbage can, I probably looked like a friggin raccoon rumbling through a dumpster. Instead of giving me some assistance Johnny then yells out, "Hey, you don't have to eat that other half of that Egg McMuffin! I can buy you a new one!" I then turn around to see an additional 20 people looking at me. I then walked back over to Johnny where my duffle bag and coat were. He is laughing hysterically at me and I got about 50 people staring at me. My last and final attempt to find my boarding pass was to search my coat pockets. I reached my hand into my left coat pocket and there I pull out my boarding pass. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm out!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A.C. Green, Annoying Fans, and Fatty Foods

The other night, I was fortunate enough to go the Bulls vs. Sacramento Kings game. It was a heck of a game and my tough Bulls got the win. Ben Gordon played phenomenally, by hitting clutch shot after clutch shot. What a pick Paxson!

One of the good things about sitting close to the team's bench, is that you get to see how professional players act during the game. The first four players on the bench watch the game closely. Knowing that at anytime their coach could throw them in the game. But as you gaze farther down the bench at the guys who don't get to play that much, they do not pay attention to the game at all. All they do is look in the audience to inform one another when they see a hot girl. Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of good looking women at the game. I myself, even did a few stare downs. But these players are extremely fortunate to be playing in the NBA for a living. So you would think for 2 and a half hours they could just watch their team play and not gawk at women the whole game. Man, where's A.C. Green when you need him? (Fun fact: A.C. Green, early 40's, a former NBA player who remained abstinent until he got married two years ago.)

When you sit behind the basket, the first ten rows are given these big cardboard signs that say "BRICK." You are too flash and wave these signs, whenever the opposing team shoots a free throw. Knowing how stupid I would feel holding this sign and realizing this has no effect on a professional nba player missig a free throw, I refuse to partake in this pointless act. But everybody else sitting around gets extremely into it. If its kids doing it, I totally understand. Kids are annoying. But these are 40-year-old grown men, shaking these signs like there is no tomorrow. People, I hate to break it you. But your stupid little "BRICK" sign will have no distraction on a NBA player making a free throw, when they probably shoot 100 of them on a daily basis. Yeah, I could totally see Peja Stojakovic who completes 92 percent of free throws telling his coach, "Sorry coach about the missed free throw. But this one guy in row G, seat 7 was shaking his "BRICK" sign so rapidly. I just could not stop staring at it." Friggin morons!

During time-outs at NBA games there is always some type of entertainment for the fans. Every game there is a Dunkin Doughnut race on the jumbo-tron. When you enter the stadium, you are given a card that either has a "1, 2, or 3" on it. Which ever number you get that is the doughnut that you are suppose to root for. If your doughnut wins the race, you supposedly get a free doughnut and coffee, or something like that. You would think they are giving away free steak and lobster at the best restaurant in Chiago. These people are screaming on top of their lungs, cheering for their stupid-ass doughnut to win the race. And again, these are not just kids we are talking about here. Also, during time-outs they got these guys running around shooting out these free-shirts. Depending on how loud you are screaming, they will shoot the t-shirt in your area. These same annoying fans are spazzing out, acting like monkeys all for a stinkin free t-shirt. You would think there was some type of gold wrapped inside of these t-shirts. I saw this 30 someting year-old guy, wrestling with a ten-year-old kid for this spectacular, once in a lifetime t-shirt. Geez, get a life!

Finally, one of the perks of going to a basketball game is the food. You really don't eat at a game if you are trying to diet. Between the nachos, hot dogs, pizza, beef sandwiches, and cheesburgers the fat kid alarm was naturally going off at an alarming rate. I chose to go with the "minnie burgers." Which are, three miniature cheeseburgers with a pickle on top. They were very scrumptious. Usually, I also get nachos too but fortunately the inner fat kid was taking a nap. And I had no intentions of waking him. I think these pro arenas are trying to making every single fan obese. Because if the Bulls score over 120 points and win, every fan gets a free Big Mac from McDonalds. Apparently, it is not enough if a fan chows down on a hot dog, nachos, pretzel, ice cream cone and a large coke. Add on to that a free doughnut from the pheneomenal dunkin doughnut race, if you are so fortunate to win. Heck, you would think the Bulls organization would give a free lipo after a night of eating like that.

I'm out!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Boring Random Rants and a Whacko Lady

Alright, what up? I never know how to start these darn things, so lets cut to the chase here.

My thoughts on Sammy Sosa being traded: What team would want Sosa? Are they crazy? Granted the Cubs will be paying for most of his salary, but this guy is damaged goods. He hits for a low average, strikes out a ton, can't field, has no arm, close to 40 years old, doesn't care about winning, plays loud annoying music with his boombox, has some sketchy entourage, and is a self-centered pain in the ass. You would think these reasons, would be enough not to trade for him. But for some strange reason the Baltimore Orioles were willing to take him. Here is another good example of Cubs GM Jim Hendry making another masterful move. If he could only be the White Sox GM. . . . Now don't think that just because Sosa has left the Cubs, I'm switching to the North Side. There are still too may reasons why I would never become a Cub fan. One of them is the fear of my father disowning me. So don't worry, I will always stay true to my lonely White Sox. No matter how tough it gets. But for all you Cubs fan out there, be extremely happy that this phoney, fake, piece of crap is gone.

What the heck happend Saturday Night Live? Oh my God is it bad! The cast is so not funny. The writing is horrible! Lorne Michaels, its time to do something already. The only funny/talented person on the cast right now is Fred Arminsen. He is really the only guy I see who has a future in Hollywood. I'll also add that Darrell Hammond is good at doing impressions and Amy Poehler is funny for a chic. One of the problems I see with this cast, is that they have no recurring characters. Recurring characters are what made this show so great. Characters like Waynes World, Pat, Church Lady, Opera Man, Matt Foley, Harry Carry, Bulls/Bears guys etc... Right now, I cannot name one recurring character for this present cast. Now that Will Ferrell (comic genius), Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Chris Kattan, and Jimmy Fallon have all left I think it would be wise to start all over with a whole new cast of no-names. Kind of like what they did when Farley/Sandler/Myers/Spade all left the show. Oh, and who's bright idea was it to make Tina Fey the head writer. Ever since she has gotten that title, the show has gone in the crapper. Oh and no, this is not a campaign to get Schmuko an opportunity on the show. I am fully aware that I am not talented enough to be on the show. So don't worry folks.

I saw an advertisement for that new "Apprentice Burger" from Burger King. I believe its called the "Western Steakburger." It contains 1/3 lb of burger, lettuce, chedder cheese, bbq sauce, and onion rings (woooh) After seing this ad, the fat kid alarm was of course going off at a rapid rate. So I waddled over to my nearest Burger King and was getting ready to meet my new friend. Right before I was getting ready to order, some whacko lady comes out of nowhere and cuts in front of me to ask for change. I mean, it was almost like it was staged or something. The timing was just phenomenal. Seeing that I was waiting before the whacko lady, the Burger King employee allowed me to order my food first. So of course I went ahead and ordered my Western Steakburger. The whacko lady, hears what I orderd and glances at the pictuee of the Steakburger. She then says to me, "Oooooh ,boy that looks good." Being the friendly gent that I am, I replied, "Yes it does." Was she done talking? Oh no. Because this burger is known as the "Apprentice Burger." She then says, "Oh, thats the burger from The Apprentice. That Donald Trump sure has weird hair. Its so obvious he goes for the comb-over. Hah-Hah-Hah." (Hey annoying Sherlock, that's the first I've heard about somebody talking about Trump's hair. Friggin Idiot!) Trying to get her to shut the F-up, I just faked laughed and said "Oh, I know." But people, the question here is why do you have to talk to me? I don't know you and I don't want to get to know you. I'm just trying to fill my manatee appetite and enjoy a burger here. So please leave me the hell alone and in return I will leave you alone. Deal? Deal.

Before I say goodbye, I'll tell you my Super Bowl thoughts. Very good match-up between the Patriots and Eagles. If Terrell Owens was 100 percent healthy, I might have picked the Eagles. But since he is not, I will have to go with the Patriots. Tom Brady always finds a way to get the job done, Bellicheck is amazing at coming up with defensive schemes, and Corey Dillon is a weapon that they have never been able to utilize in a Super Bowl before. I do think the Eagles will make the game competitive. Terell Owens will not be a factor and will be mainy used as a decoy. If the Patriots can stop the versatile Brian Westbrook, the Eagles have no chance. Final Score: Patriots 27 Eagles 23.

I'm out!